Why do I feel angry with my very ill Mum?

[reallyworriedjobhunter]

Firstly, I would never express these feelings out loud to her or anyone in my family.

My Mum is very very unwell. She is recovering from a heart valve replacement surgery and has stage 4 lung cancer. She is currently in a unit doing some rehab following the heart surgery before returning home and starting treatment for the lung cancer.

A dr spoke to her today, asking her to think about having a 'do not resuscitate' plan in place given her now increased risk of heart attacks following the heart surgery. The dr also talked to her about the lung cancer saying that when she sees the oncologist in a couple of weeks, she will need to think about what they say and of the available treatment options, what she will want to do.

Obviously, she is really upset by all this. But part of me is also thinking that she has already had cancer once, that she has been in hospital for two months, that she is very frail. She looks like she is 150 years old - she is 75. Why is any of this news to her? Surely she must know how unwell she is and that the end of her life cannot be too far away?

I go from feeling devastated about losing my Mum and that she is having such an awful time, to being angry that she really doesn't seem to have realised what her situation is and doesn't want to confront it. Worst of all, I feel angry that she is scared and upset. I'm also sick of talking about her and her illnesses. I'm not proud of this.

Why do I feel angry with her for being scared? I feel like a terrible person and I am genuinely ashamed. Can you help me unpack this a bit?

I'm so sorry op.
My friends and I are going through this stage with parents right now. Along with perimenopause.
It's horrendous isn't it.

It's very common to feel sad, deep love and deep irritation for someone all at the same time. In my experience.

Of course she's scared and in denial. Doctors can be very blunt. She's probably petrified.
Parents are just people. They don't have magic powers to bear these horrific end of life situations any more than we would.

I keep thinking about how in our mind, no matter how old we get, we are really not changed very much in our heads since we were children. When people get scared and frail and exhausted, their inner child seems to surface.

Perhaps deep down you'd like your mum to grow up and accept the situation and deal with it?

Seeing our parents' fear and childishness is scary and exasperating. Especially when we are busting a gut to be there for them to help & support.

Try to sit with your feelings and think about why you might be feeling them. It's totally normal. Don't beat yourself up.

But your Mum won't be around forever so try to focus on the nice interactions you can still have.

Sometimes loving someone is about being there to witness them having difficulties and accepting their feelings about these things.

Just being there for them as much as you can. It's very much like having a child. In my opinion. Sometimes kids act like proper armholes. We might think "shut the fuck up!" In our heads, but we don't say it out loud. We love them in the most gracious way we can. Parents deserve this grace from us too (mostly).

Sending all strength to you X

People don't read properly op. Ignore them.

"I think you're grieving, I feel like I went through a lot of the grief process while my mum was ill and was just numb afterwards, anger is part of it and it's very normal. I'm so sorry you're going through this"

@Mummyofbananas I felt like this. I used to howl, crying my eyes out every day on the way home from that god awful hospital for the 6 weeks it took my beloved Dad to die.

I was so angry with the state this horrendous government has left the NHS in. Fuckers. I would cry until I was hoarse.

Then in the months following his death it was like a relief from all the stress. I also have kids, am a senior manager in peri and had to work through this time, whilst going to hospital every day to try to feed him, because there weren't enough staff to give him any actual "nursing"

This amazing man who had spent his life working for a better world, helping those less fortunate than himself. A man who always made everyone smile.

Lots of very complicated emotions.

I am angry that she is old and I'll. Its so unfair. She has been in awful hospital rooms for two months. She has had amazing treatment and care but it hurts that she has become so frail and helpless.

I think part of me is also angry that this happens to all of us. It will happen to me. It will happen to my children.

She retired from teaching when she was 55 and has not really done much for the last 20 years. Crafting and holidays really. Driving around her little car to go to Waitrose and painting classes.

I've always judged her for not doing more. Not helping my sister and I more, not volunteering. Not being a productive member of society.

Very judgemental of me I know and not kind. It's up to her what she does with her life and we are very different people.

She lives in a village and is not part of the community at all whereas I live in London where we know all our neighbours and contribute to community activities. We are very different and I judge her by my standards. Which isn't fair or right I know. I never voice any of this to anyone.

It sounds like I see her as a very selfish person and myself as a selfless person. I totally recognise that selflessness is not a good thing and I am working on taking care of my self more and being less of a people pleaser.

But she made a huge contribution to that by being such an unavailable parent.

Thank you to all on this thread.

Everything you are saying sounds valid OP. Have you had any therapy? I have complex feelings towards my parent who died, I think if we are honest a lot of us do, and therapy has helped me to recognise the different feelings that are coming up and that it's ok. I know that sounds wooly written down, but it isn't wooly in any way what has been happening internally for me and I needed to talk it through with someone.

I'm glad you found therapy helpful. I agree that I need some professional help.

This morning's phone chat with her was about how good it was that the ward she is now on is in the middle of a council estate. Basically saying how good it is to have lots of poor people around to work there and wait on her so she doesn't have to 'lift a finger'.

And that they live nearby so can get there easily.

Yes mother, it's called a town. She has chosen to live in an isolated village without a single shop. Everything for her life requires a car trip.

Rationally, I know she is trying to make small talk in the face of something terrifying. I know she has lived a very privileged life that she worked hard for. But she makes me so angry.

I don't know. But the last post makes me feel like you are being very harsh to your mum. So what if she lives in a rural area. She was probably just saying it's nice to be around other humans in the face of her own death. I think I'd be inclined to make small talk during my impending demise, just to lighten things up a bit. Can't you just support her a little through the last few weeks of months of her life?

Also teaching is an exhausting and commendable profession. I don't know why you are thinking she hasn't contributed to society. Teaching is a big vocation. If she could afford to retire at 55 then good for her. I think you are being really mean to her. I understand the anger but I think it's misplaced and you are angry at death and aging itself. Not your mother.

How was she not a productive member of society if she was a teacher until she was 55. She'd done her bit and chose to retire amd enjoy life or would you rather she just worked until her cancer diagnosis and had no time to herself.

Good for her enjoying art classes and holidays. I hope my retirement is like that.

As for being part of a community that idea makes me shudder with being involved with my nosy bastard neighbours. She doesn't have to be involved with her community nor does it make you a better person.

I'm mad at my mum for doing literally nothing for most of her life - I've never seen her with a job and we suffered for it living on benefits and it was hand to mouth.

This is really quite nasty and spiteful. What is it you feel she should have done for you?

Are you sure there isn’t a bit of jealousy underlying your last couple of posts? 🤔 It sounds like she has had a productive life but even if she hadn’t it doesn’t mean her life is worthless, I think you need to re evaluate your own social judgements. For example, I’m 43 and disabled and I haven’t worked since I was 32 due to health issues, I won’t work again (manage on a combination of disability benefits and inheritance). I live rurally and my life mostly consists of Tv, Mumsnet, helping out in various health groups online and the occasional trip out somewhere. Should I somehow be ashamed of my life because others feel I haven’t contributed enough?

I do think part of the issue with death for a lot of people is coming to the acceptance that actually life is pretty pointless. However you live, whatever you do or don’t do, we all die in the end so you might as well do what makes you happy as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else. Whatever issues you have with your Mum it’s okay that she was / is a completely different person to you.

I agree with the above post. She was a teacher until 55 plus she raised you. That's pretty full on isn't it?

Hi op, I didn't want to read and run. Firstly I'm sorry your mum is going through what she is going through.

However your mum is feeling like this because she doesn't want to think about dying, she doesn't want to leave you behind and family.

My dad has a heart problem condition and has suffered 3 heart attacks and he is in denial himself. We have told him he needs to relax etc but he is scared of dying.

She didn't raise me. She ignored me while she raised my sister.

Teaching is an incredibly hard and skilful job which she did with great success for years. She made a real difference to some of her pupils.

I just meant that once she retired, she didn't do anything.

But you are right - I am judging her harshly. It's making me really think about that and how I judge myself.

I'm 45 now and will have to work until I drop dead to support my disabled children who will always be dependent on me. I won't have any retirement at all.

I grew up without being properly looked after, never learning to look after myself and maybe I am angry that even at the end, she gets to decide it all without any consideration for me.

@reallyworriedjobhunter I totally understand this, this was my childhood. My Mother died thinking they would save her life after they had the year before, but she was too frail for that. Do not judge yourself on what you're going through now, my excuse was that I was 200+ miles away, and I left it to my sisters to sort things out, though I was there for the final few days. I can't feel guilty about that, I had children that needed me more than she did, and I have got over those feelings now.

You have to know that the medical staff will do whatever is best for her in her situation. They will do what is best for her in her state of health.

Do what is best for you and your family. Wishing you well.

I'm 45 now and will have to work until I drop dead to support my disabled children who will always be dependent on me. I won't have any retirement at all

But this is not your mother's fault. Can you do some financial planning so you don't have to work until you drop? Can you get any support for your children especially as they age?

This isn't quite the same as what you're asking, but I recently found this article when I was hoping my very ill dad would die (20 years of a terminal illness and I can't do it anymore): www.agingcare.com/articles/amp/139321

It really resonated with me and took the guilt away a bit. You're allowed to feel sad and frustrated, you don't have to love everything your mum does just because she's sick. You're allowed to feel fed up about it all and want your life back.

I saw your previous post and I get the resentment. She's done whatever she wanted, not helping you when you needed it, and now the entitlement is there that you drop everything for her. My mum is like this and is very disabled, with no end in sight. You just need to put up boundaries and do whatever it takes to not feel guilty. Lean on friends or a partner to alleviate that guilt.

Yep it's crap getting old and dying op.

Maybe it's ok then that your mum spent her retirement doing what she wanted to do?

You situation with your kids isn't her fault. You sound hurt that she hasn't been around more and helped out, like you see other cuddly grannies doing for your friends perhaps?

Accepting people for how they and figuring out how we feel about that is hard when it conflicts with how we see ourselves sometimes.

Accepting people for how they "are"

Yes. 100%