Why do I feel angry with my very ill Mum?

[reallyworriedjobhunter]

Firstly, I would never express these feelings out loud to her or anyone in my family.

My Mum is very very unwell. She is recovering from a heart valve replacement surgery and has stage 4 lung cancer. She is currently in a unit doing some rehab following the heart surgery before returning home and starting treatment for the lung cancer.

A dr spoke to her today, asking her to think about having a 'do not resuscitate' plan in place given her now increased risk of heart attacks following the heart surgery. The dr also talked to her about the lung cancer saying that when she sees the oncologist in a couple of weeks, she will need to think about what they say and of the available treatment options, what she will want to do.

Obviously, she is really upset by all this. But part of me is also thinking that she has already had cancer once, that she has been in hospital for two months, that she is very frail. She looks like she is 150 years old - she is 75. Why is any of this news to her? Surely she must know how unwell she is and that the end of her life cannot be too far away?

I go from feeling devastated about losing my Mum and that she is having such an awful time, to being angry that she really doesn't seem to have realised what her situation is and doesn't want to confront it. Worst of all, I feel angry that she is scared and upset. I'm also sick of talking about her and her illnesses. I'm not proud of this.

Why do I feel angry with her for being scared? I feel like a terrible person and I am genuinely ashamed. Can you help me unpack this a bit?

A few possibilities that spring to mind:

• Your mother is generally unrealistic or unprepared and this has always been a source of frustration for you

• You feel that your mother hasn't supported you at crucial times in your life when you felt afraid or vulnerable, or you didn't feel properly cared for by her as a child. Perhaps she hasn't had any tolerance for weakness / denial / fear in yourself or others in the past. So having to support her feels bitter, or unfair. Perhaps you feel she is a hypocrite.

• On the contrary, your mother has always been strong, realistic and capable. And you're angry at the frightened vulnerable person that has replaced the mother you knew and relied upon

• Your anger is part of an anticipatory grief response

• Your mother being unrealistic and surprised about her poor health is something that "rubs salt" into how you feel about her dying. You are having to face the grim reality, so you want her to face it with you. Perhaps you even wish that she could support you with her dying

• You blame your mother for her health problems. Perhaps her denial now is a continuation of her denial about the behaviours / choices that have led to her current situation

• There are other unresolved elements in your relationship with your mother that you are angry about and realise on some level that you will never fix. You aren't able to address these directly for the same reasons that they remain unresolved. So instead you feel angry about her irrational response to her illness

My mum died recently of cancer. Her decline was very shocking and rapid, and her diagnosis too late. She was relatively young, much younger than yours.

I went through several stages of anger with her throughout her illness. I thought she was dramatic at one point, at another I thought she was being manipulative (history of) to make other people do things for her, and other things at various times. I'm proud of none of these moments and plenty of other feelings I've had during her illness and after her very recent death.

However, what I've done is allowed myself to feel what I feel without analysing it too much. It's usually fleeting, and it passes in a few days. There's no need to share those feelings with her. And I tried to be there for her throughout and give her what she needed and wanted.

At the end of the day, losing a parent is a hard situation and you never know how you'll react moment to moment. Be kind to yourself and don't put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way or chastise yourself or change your feelings. I'm trying to treat my grief the same way. Sometimes I remember when our relationship was bad and I think well at least we won't be like that again! Other times I cry because I miss my mum. There's no right or wrong way to do all of this OP.

Its easier to feel angry than scared - so somethings fright translates into anger. Dont feel bad. You are not doing anything wrong.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It sounds like for a lot of your life, you've wanted your mum to look after you (as a mum should), but that that hasn't happened.

Now you're going through a very difficult time. A way your mum could look after you would be to accept that she is dying and put appropriate plans in place - that would make things easier for you. But she's not doing that. This is the last time she could look after/mother you and she's not doing it. I can understand why angry feelings have emerged. (I must say though, having seen more loved ones than I'd like reaching the end, I don't blame your mum for her denial. Some people's capacity for denial towards the end is strong.)

Everything that's happening will bring up some massive feelings for you. There's a lot going on. Your feelings after decades of wishing you'd been parented differently (which maybe you've always pushed aside), are being forced to the forefront at the same time as you're loosing your mum. As others have said, I'd try to speak to a professional who can support you through all this. These aren't straightforward feelings. They're complex and confusing.

In your mum's position, she is allowed to not want to think about a dnr and whatever else she doesn't want to talk or think about.
Yes, it's hard on you and her husband, but even harder on her.

@Flopsythebunny I totally accept that. Thank you for giving me that perspective.

They say anger is a secondary emotion. It’s usually protecting a bigger, more unmanageable emotion, a vulnerable part of you.

Can you get underneath the anger? What is it protecting you from feeling, were it not present?

I’m sorry about your mum 💐

Gosh some of these replies are very touching and I wish I’d posted a similar thread about my identical feelings about my Mum when she was dying of bowel cancer in 2019 as I could have really have done with hearing some of these things - so thank you for sharing them as hopefully not only have you helped the op but you’ve also helped me. 💐

My mum and I had a really difficult relationship, she was an alcoholic and schizophrenic and was sectioned many times when I was a young child. As she got better and stronger I felt responsible for her and worried she would relapse so we lived together until I was 32 and we had a very complex relationship. We fell out completely when I met my dh and she didn’t like him (I had been married before but we’d all lived together and now dh didn’t want that and who could blame him) so we purchased separate houses and our relationship fell apart. She got bowel cancer several years after that and was terminal within 6 weeks of diagnosis. I was so, so angry I couldn’t even conceal it well. I was unwell myself, caring for a disabled child, struggling financially and I knew it meant we’d never resolve our issues. Like the earlier post says - she was never going to be the Mum I needed her to be.

She lived 10 mins away from me and was resentful I wouldn’t move her back into our house but I just couldn’t. I did go to hers every day, twice a day. I cared for her as much as I could - and it wasn’t easy, she declined mentally and became shouty and aggressive like she was when I was little. It was triggering and hard. She knew I was angry with her though and I remember her staring at me one day and asking me why I was angry with her and I said of course I wasn’t- but I felt sad she’d realised I was.

The one thing I will echo is what another poster said about making sure you leave yourself in a good place - so you don’t spend the next xxxx years dwelling on things you might have done differently. It’s the little things you feel bad about. My Mum asked me to take her to McDonald’s a week before she died. She was in the hospice and said she just really wanted a drive thru, she asked me to take her in the car. And I said no, because I didn’t feel able to physically (getting her in car safely) and mentally I was just so fed up and angry with the whole thing- which actually went on for nearly 3 months in the end- and now I torment myself with thinking how the fuck could I deny a dying woman her bloody last choice …?! A poxy McDonald’s, I should have just done it.

Of course it’s far more than that. But these are the things that consume you. And we can’t help the way we feel.

I always found patients would look forward to going home rather than looking forward to death day to day - in denial is very normal - consultants have the last word on unrealistic DNARs

Everyone deals with it their own way, age is just a number, be patient with her and let her be. Soon she will comes to terms with it and react differently. No matter how old we are death is scary, leaving loved ones behind hurts. You are going through a lot at the moment...take some time out for yourself and look after your mental health. Sending you lots of prayers 🙏 and love ❤️ I've dealt with grief it hurts and anger can be part of it too. Xx

HNRTFT but I think that regardless about how you feel about your Mums unrealistic expectations,you should just go with how she is feeling and not burst her bubble.
She obviously doesn’t feel ready to face up to the reality and her positive expectations should be respected. It’s hard for you but even worse for her .
Am sorry you are going through this.X

I think I am going to have to do what others on the thread have said and seek some proper help with that.

@Pigeonqueen

I am so sorry. That all sounds incredibly hard. Especially what happened when you were a child.

Thank you for the advice. I'll remember that. I love your user name btw.

Can you consider giving your mum the death she wants?

It’s something we are currently going through with a loved one and when she talks of moving to a smaller house we look at smaller houses online. Doing anything else is futile and we eventually accepted this and decided to do her death her way. Can you do the same for your mum?

I hadn’t seen your post when I posted my reply but I agree with everything you’ve said.

I think confronting death is an essential part of growing older. There is only one way out of here, and living in denial/being delusional is a sign of gross immaturity.

We are all going to die, including me and including you. There is something very sad about a person have many decades to prepare for their inevitable death, and to have made no headway in dealing with it.

@ForfarBridie I do see your point. It's her life, her death and 100 per cent her decision. I will not interfere in it and will respect her wishes.

Except that decision also has a huge impact on my Dad, my sister and me. But there is nothing I can do about that.

My Mum has always avoided difficult conversations and emotional situations. She has always preferred to deal with things her own way. She gets to carry on doing that.

But I live a life in the wreckage of how she has behaved. I grew up without being properly looked after, never learning to look after myself and maybe I am angry that even at the end, she gets to decide it all without any consideration for me.

Sorry you're dealing with this and hugs to everyone else on the thread with similar experiences. Seems to be common to deny own mortality and aging. We had to go and get MIL from hospital in France last year. DH and BIL had spent so many years and time trying to get her to prepare for the day she might not cope alone, only to be repeatedly ghosted or told to f*ck off. Now we have her living with us frail and with vascular dementia and all kinds of hassle to sell her house and d/w stuff in France. Obviously she's forgotten all her fluent french and we don't speak it. Still annoyed with us for "scooping her up and forcing her back here" lol. I also nursed my DM through early Alzheimer's years ago and was constantly raging inwardly at her. I don't know why, I was young, early 20's, panicked about my own life and thought she was so ungrateful for everything I did, also thought she was faking most of it. It took her having a mild stroke in front of me to wake me up and after that I was completely different.

@TheresaOfAvila I am working through this myself. I am scared of leaving my children behind, very scared indeed. They have additional needs and I may be leaving behind people who are very vulnerable. It terrifies me.

But I am working through it, trying to prepare myself that one day I will have to leave them. I will try to make it as easy for them as I can.

I do take the point made several times on the thread that thinking about your own death theoretically is a world away from it actually happening and knowing that you are nearing the end of your life.

In this last paragraph we start to see where some of that anger has originated. This is all really useful stuff that you’re starting to unpack on here, as you set out to do so well done.

Illness and death are very individual.
Im a planner, I’ve got a medical directive in place, I’ve arranged and paid for my funeral.
But I’ve done these while I’m well.
After I was widowed I met lots of other widows through an online group, lots whose other halves died of cancer , often ill for a couple of years. And I was initially surprised how many didn’t talk , didn’t make plans but came to realise when you’re facing so much illness, so much future is unsure, speaking about it makes it too real. It’s one day at a time, take what happiness you can from each day.
Let your mum make choices and decisions, she’ll feel a lot of control over her life has been taken away, help her keep what control she can.
And talk to Cancer UK or similar for support for you. The hospital may also have support for you.

Another thing that strikes me is that in this situation, two things can be true at the same time.

I can be sad that she is dying and angry with her at the same time. I can be grieving and pissed off that she seems to be enjoying being the centre of attention. I can be scared of one day never talking to her again and also feeling very aware of how she chose to neglect me.

It's all there at the same time.

This is so true.

Something that I found difficult when she actually died was that people kept turning up with flowers / being very kind and compassionate and saying how terrible it was and in that moment I wanted to scream at them she was a ffing twatarse and I hated her and I was glad she was dead (🫣) whilst simultaneously somewhere feeling glad they’d turned up and I needed the flowers - more for me to acknowledge that my mum had passed -whatever kind of person my Mum was. It was all very odd. Feelings are complex in these situations. And that’s okay.

My mum has just been issued with a DNR and this was not the advice we were given - totally different in fact. If medics are not aware of a DNR they absolutely will start CPR if something happens. We’ve been advised to carry the written DNR with us at all times when out and about, and to know where it is when at home, because unless a medic sees it, the instruction doesn’t exist and they will resuscitate. The only place this doesn’t happen is in the hospital itself where the DNR will be on the patient records, so for example, if an ambulance is required and the patient has an event, the paramedics are required to resuscitate unless they have sight of the document itself. Just telling them that the patient has a DNR order, isn’t enough.

I understand, having lost my mother to cancer when she was just in her early 60s.

I was angry too - angry at her for leaving us, angry because a strong, independent and capable woman suddenly became vulnerable and stupid and I hated that!! It did bring up issues from childhood too.

I was angriest with her when I would take her to appointments and she would go wandering off the wrong direction, even though I was with her and she had been before! I held it all in of course.

She used to say how very scared she was, and how she had expected to see her grandchildren grow up - my god it was heartbreaking. We lost her upwards of 20 years ago now and it's still very raw sometimes.

She went through phases about talking about things like which daughter was getting which piece of her jewellery but she never did it. We didn't discuss funeral arrangements either. (As it turned out, that bit was easy, because we knew that she loved Autumn colours, and we knew her favourite hymns etc, and she could recite the Bible reading from memory as she learned it as a child).

I didn't think of counselling at the time but I absolutely think now I should have. I think the cancer charities could point you in the right direction. I think they might also do therapies for patients and family members? I did go to Cruse afterwards.

It's a horrible time in your life @reallyworriedjobhunterand your feelings are very valid and common too. Real life support might help you cope with it. Thinking of you x