Why do I feel angry with my very ill Mum?

[reallyworriedjobhunter]

Firstly, I would never express these feelings out loud to her or anyone in my family.

My Mum is very very unwell. She is recovering from a heart valve replacement surgery and has stage 4 lung cancer. She is currently in a unit doing some rehab following the heart surgery before returning home and starting treatment for the lung cancer.

A dr spoke to her today, asking her to think about having a 'do not resuscitate' plan in place given her now increased risk of heart attacks following the heart surgery. The dr also talked to her about the lung cancer saying that when she sees the oncologist in a couple of weeks, she will need to think about what they say and of the available treatment options, what she will want to do.

Obviously, she is really upset by all this. But part of me is also thinking that she has already had cancer once, that she has been in hospital for two months, that she is very frail. She looks like she is 150 years old - she is 75. Why is any of this news to her? Surely she must know how unwell she is and that the end of her life cannot be too far away?

I go from feeling devastated about losing my Mum and that she is having such an awful time, to being angry that she really doesn't seem to have realised what her situation is and doesn't want to confront it. Worst of all, I feel angry that she is scared and upset. I'm also sick of talking about her and her illnesses. I'm not proud of this.

Why do I feel angry with her for being scared? I feel like a terrible person and I am genuinely ashamed. Can you help me unpack this a bit?

@Twiglets1 She was a heavy smoker many years ago. My whole family were as they all worked at a cigarette factory.

She stopped smoking when she met my Dad but she has never prioritised her health.

I think you want her to be an adult about it, but she has reverted to a child and you feel frustrated. Very common I think as the roles change.

Please consider contacting Macmillan to talk about your feelings. They offer support, and can perhaps help you through this.
or your local hospice? This is an awful time for you.

The child-adult thing is spot on. I want her to be my Mum - I always did but she was always very focused on my sister who she strongly favoured and still does.

It's almost like she has been on a holiday whilst in hospital. At first she kept apologising to us for it all happening but she has become very focused on herself and not really interested in discussing life outside the hospital. It's almost like she has enjoyed it.

I think it’s at least possible that your mother never prioritising her health is part of the extremely complicated feelings you are now struggling to process.

@thesandwich Great point. I think I need some RL talking therapy.

Be kind to yourself. This is the grief process starting (and yes, it begins way before a person dies). You are mourning the mum you once had. There is no right or wrong to grief.

Please seek support so you can take on the role you want in this.

Thank you @Mariposista

And do pop over to the cockroach cafe threads in elderly parents - loads of support and wisdom there

Thank you - this makes a lot of sense

I am actually quite surprised that they did a valve replacement on her!!

I've been lurking

The child-adult thing is spot on. I want her to be my Mum - I always did but she was always very focused on my sister who she strongly favoured and still does.

This is very likely a large factor in your feelings @reallyworriedjobhunter

You’re losing the mum you have, and any opportunity of the Mum you want.

I think you may be finding it hard to understand your mums behaviour because you think she should react the way you would.

But... you don't actually know how you would react. You're imagining how an elderly person should feel about impending death, but you're not an elderly person yet. It's easy to assume that you'll be pretty philosophical and rational about it just because it's more normal to die at that age. But when it comes to it, you might not feel that way at all.

That doesn't mean you're not allowed to be angry and scared, but if her way of coping with being angry and scared is denial, that's her choice.

They went back and forth about it which is why she has been in hospital for such a long time. The cancer was found during the pre op checks.

Patients often go into denial after being given a terminal diagnosis - it's shock, but also a way of protecting themselves from the looming inevitability of the end of their life and the obvious grief that elicits. Of course the doctor will discuss DNR with her to get her decision, and to help her understand the seriousness of her condition, but resuscitation is physically brutal, especially for a frail person with multiple life threatening illnesses.
Your own anger towards your mum is understandable but maybe it's frustration and disappointment that her life is nearing the end, and realisation that we're all pretty helpless in this situation.

I think your fear of losing your mum explains what appears a harsh viewpoint . It feels like you're angry with her because she'll be leaving you . Try and overcome this .
Bring I'll is not her fault and quite rightly she is scared of what's to come . Be supportive or you'll regret it forever because you won't get her time again .

@AllProperTeaIsTheft You are right

Is it that you're ready for it to just be "over"? To go through the grieving process, make your peace with it etc. because you know that's what's coming and there's no other alternative. So you might as well be ready for it/prepare for it. Whereas at the moment you're stuck in limbo, knowing that hope is a lie and life saving measures are just prolonging the inevitable, while feeling all the hurt,pain and fear yourself without an end in sight.

In short, you're ready to let go, she isn't.

It’s her journey and she gets to do it her way. As frustrating as that is for you, my advice is don’t do anything you will regret later. What I mean is as PP have said, be as kindly as you can. If she wants to chat, or look at old photographs, listen to you reading or watch telly together, do that. Take time off as you need it and don’t beat yourself up when you’re not there.
Write a journal if that helps, or get counselling so you can unload.
Do your best so you have no regrets. Watching someone you love die is relentlessly shit.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all .

Never attempt to take away someone’s hope.
Especially if that is all that they have.

@Riapia I'll remember that for a long time

If we think about what the evolutionary value of emotion is, perhaps it makes more sense.

Expressing anger at someone from "the tribe" who has weakened themselves, and therefore the tribe, by doing something stupid, is a way of pressuring people to think twice before they screw up.

Your intellect knows that your anger is pointless. But our intellects are like tiny fleas clinging to the back of the rampaging rhino of our instincts, drives and emotions.

So, be angry. It's normal. But separate from that...
Right now, your Mum is ill. Even if she were curable, she'd still be ill for a few months. Her suffering will end, just not the way you'd like, but it will end and she won't need you then.
So do what you can for the unwell mother you have now. Spend time that you enjoy with her, but don't feel guilty about fleeing situations where you think, "this is helping NOBODY!".

When she is gone, you'll be very sad, but you will cope eventually, like she did, like everyone (who isn't buried by their parents) does. Children are SUPPOSED to outlive their mum and dad. It's the natural order. So don't spend too much time thinking about that bit of the future. It won't come any slower for doing so.

FIL is 80's, three lots of cancer, one grade 4, and is ploughing through six lots of intense chemo before surgery in December. He's also recently had a bowel obstruction and had surgery for that. In hospital more than out of it atm.
MIL just cannot believe this is happening. Neither can FIL tbh. Wills out of date, no POA, no practical preparations at all, a very 'cross that bridge' attitude to everything. It seems to baffle them that people of their age actually get old, become incapable and die. The fallout on DH and SIL has made me very angry.
More so because I lost both my dad in his 50's, my mum by accident in her 60's yet PIL seem to feel they've hard done by.