Why do I feel angry with my very ill Mum?

[reallyworriedjobhunter]

Firstly, I would never express these feelings out loud to her or anyone in my family.

My Mum is very very unwell. She is recovering from a heart valve replacement surgery and has stage 4 lung cancer. She is currently in a unit doing some rehab following the heart surgery before returning home and starting treatment for the lung cancer.

A dr spoke to her today, asking her to think about having a 'do not resuscitate' plan in place given her now increased risk of heart attacks following the heart surgery. The dr also talked to her about the lung cancer saying that when she sees the oncologist in a couple of weeks, she will need to think about what they say and of the available treatment options, what she will want to do.

Obviously, she is really upset by all this. But part of me is also thinking that she has already had cancer once, that she has been in hospital for two months, that she is very frail. She looks like she is 150 years old - she is 75. Why is any of this news to her? Surely she must know how unwell she is and that the end of her life cannot be too far away?

I go from feeling devastated about losing my Mum and that she is having such an awful time, to being angry that she really doesn't seem to have realised what her situation is and doesn't want to confront it. Worst of all, I feel angry that she is scared and upset. I'm also sick of talking about her and her illnesses. I'm not proud of this.

Why do I feel angry with her for being scared? I feel like a terrible person and I am genuinely ashamed. Can you help me unpack this a bit?

Everyone's emotions emerge differently. My dad had heart failure and a very severe cancer diagnosis. He opted to have a pacemaker and then cancer treatment that had about a 1% chance of working, and it working would have meant a terrible quality of life - bedbound.

I was so angry at him extending the agony and trouble, the night before his pacemaker was fitted, I was walking - or storming around - for hours. Then I took a diazepam before taking him for the procedure (no I didn't drive, before anyone asks).

It meant I was able to keep a calm face.

There were points in his cancer treatment that he was crying in pain and I kept a calm and loving face, but the cost to my own health was massive.

I don't blame you for being angry. It's hard because my sister was really impressed by his will to live. My blood pressure went up to 200 over something and it was only when I joked to my sister that I was in the right place if I collapsed, that she and mum took it seriously.

A nurse then took us to one side and did a reading in front of them and they suddenly realised him being alive in that terrible state was costing me a great deal of my life. It affected them so differently. I think they were in denial that he was dying - not helped by doctors denying it too.

So I don't blame you. He was a bit different because he was fond of life, he wasn't unrealistic but clinging to the 1%. whereas I've always known I'd refuse treatment.

I hope you can find ways to cope. If, like my dad, she is determined to live at any cost, don't spend too much time there. I bitterly regret the wasted summer of reassuring a man who was so ill, he might not have known I was there.

ETA he did sign a DNR but I was thinking, why did you get the pacemaker then? Argh.

I’m a doctor and have dnr discussions regularly. It’s a medical decision. You can refuse treatment but you cannot demand medical treatment. Someone not suitable for cpr cannot insist they will be resuscitated. I’ve been to some awful cardiac arrests where there should have been one in place (traumatic for everyone involved).

Sometimes you need a better communicator to explain it to the patient or they just need the seed to be planted and someone to return to discuss it later. Sometimes if people really insist they want to be resuscitated then we will do one cycle of cpr basically to make patient/family happy.

I do get explicit at times with patients and explain if we got their heart beating again and ICU would not intubate them/take them for more care if they needed it then they face a second more painful death. It’s very very rare that we don’t come to an agreement, usually patients just need time to process things. If your mum was too poorly to communicate we’d consult with you.

Ultimately we always try to take on board the family and patients wishes (its a legal requirement) but we will not offer futile treatment that will cause suffering. I wouldn’t worry too much about the dnr. Ask for an excellent communicator (geriatricians are often fab) and get them to rediscuss at another time with her. Palliative care can help with psychological distress too so they could also be involved.

@MysterOfwomanY Lots to think about there.

I caught myself thinking 'but I am so busy. I can't deal with this. I don't have time for another thing' the other day.

Work full time, mid post grad, 3 kids - two with additional needs. Peri. I felt so awful.

Yes my mum spent years planning her funeral but when she was sick she wouldn't talk about it and didn't want to face it.

I think you're grieving, I feel like I went through a lot of the grief process while my mum was ill and was just numb afterwards, anger is part of it and it's very normal. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

@cptartapp They have just had a huge extension built on their house. I said today that it was a shame they hadn't included a downstairs shower room when talking about an OT assessment that will likely happen and my Dad said 'well you don't think of these things'.

Yes, you do. Of course you do. They have spent a vast amount of money making the house perfect for themselves as they were 20 years ago. Without any leap of imagination that as they age, a downstairs bathroom might be a good idea.

My Dad was diagnosed with liver cancer last September, and when we saw the oncologist who was trying to gently explain what would happen, Dad didn't want a bar of it. Thankfully the Dr could see how frustrated I was, and privately had a chat to me while a nurse did some obs on Dad. They were very open about his journey ahead, which massively helped me prepare/know how to cope. Dad was firmly in denial until the point when the pain got too much to manage, and was then quite blase saying something was going to finish him off at some point. But he refused point blank to discuss funeral arrangements which made the aftermath very stressful.

Having lost him in January, my advice is to enjoy every moment while your Mum is still here. Don't waste your energy on feeling angry. I miss my Dad beyond words and it's horribly bleak without him. Your anger is at the cancer... not your Mum. I'm sorry you're all going through this

It's also just so hard watching your parents age. They were once like me, capable and able to handle things, and now it feels like she is disappearing before my eyes.

Nobody can say how you will feel unless your in that situation yourself!
can you imagine, a consultant saying to you
you have xx amount of time, even when you know your ill, cancer whatever
it’s still a big shock to deal with. Doesn’t necessarily mean you have to accept any just carry on as normal
who would

@SkyFullofStars1975 Thank you for the advice and I am so sorry for your loss.

Agree
mum had a stroke in November and I nearly had a battle with her about getting a stairlift fitted.

then I decided not to bother with the battle and told her to either agree, or accept she'd have no help from me.

pp saying "enjoy time with her", there's nothing to enjoy. I'd say be kind.

my mum is 85 now. I ran out of kindness and had a nervous breakdown in July. Please don't make the mistakes I made OP.

@EmmaEmerald That sounds very hard

My dad had heart failure and was very much in denial about it. He kept talking about how if they could just get him on the right medication, things would improve. Didn’t want to go into a nursing home or hospital, despite the toll it was taking on his children. As others have said, I guess near the end there has to be hope, it is human nature.
But I do know what you mean about constantly talking about illness - it’s like there’s nothing else left.
I tried to stay patient and kind when I saw him, and would vent my frustrations to my friends and family.

I'm wondering if there is a subconscious small child part of you that still hopes your mum will step up and be the mum you have always needed/wanted her to be. This hope, however unlikely it was to ever have been realised, will have protected you from devastating feelings as a child, including lots of anger.

Facing her inevitable decline and death cuts off this hope and allows the understandable anger to surface.

I think your post shows just how differently we all deal with these things. Perhaps your mums way of coping whether consciously or not is to not think of dying, who wants to really be faced with that reality.

my partner decided not to have any more treatment and put a DNR in place which was so difficult but he knew when the time came he wouldn’t even know it as he was out of it with kidney failure and the strong pain meds. It put tremendous strain on me and honestly when he finally went into hospital for the last time I felt a little relief that someone else had the responsibility. I felt so guilty for feeling that relief.

I think all you can do is support her but also look after your own mental health, talk to someone about your feelings or vent somewhere like here, there are always people to support you and listen

This hits me very deeply.

As a child I would dream endlessly of someone coming to rescue me and take care of me. Just to even notice me.

@Bananaman123 I'm sorry for your loss and thank you for the wise words

My mum died when I was 20, an unexpected lung cancer diagnosis and she was dead within 4 weeks. We didn't talk about what was happening and for a long time I was angry with her that she hadn't talked to me about what was happening and didn't articulate her feelings. I was only 20 and very much still needed my mum. She had always been there for me and I somehow felt let down.

This summer I was diagnosed with a very rare and aggressive stage 4 cancer. I am the same age my mum was and my children are much younger.

When I was first diagnosed I made sure to be honest with my children and share everything with them, because of what I had experienced.

However, a few weeks later I was hospitalised with a serious infection. I was really ill and wasn't sure how much of it was the infection and how much the progression of my cancer. I was scared and I felt really ill. But what was worse was I had nothing left to give my children. I simply couldn't put on a brave face and be the grown up.

I came to realise that's probably how my mum felt and suddenly I had a lot more sympathy for how she had behaved.

Sorry that was long, not sure if it helps but just wanted to share a different perspective.

@TwigTheWonderKid I am so sorry for all of it. Sending luck and love.

Thank you
I will exit the thread before I say anything even more unacceptable.

But please put yourself first. You cannot get back the time you spend keeping a dying person company, especially if they cling on for years, which some do.

I think I went to the cinema once that summer. Apart from that, dad's bedside. Wrong on so many levels.

I went through this recently op.

It can be very frustrating.

i’ve been through this twice in the last year, once with a doctor who explained it really well, and the second time an F1 doctor who could have done things better. Thankfully the good experience came first and I was able to use his words to help my mum understand.

the doctor who explained it to my dad said ‘you have a heart condition, I’m not saying this will happen or I’m anticipating it to happen but it is always a possibility … if your heart was to stop and we were to resuscitate you, there is only a small chance it would be successful and the likelihood is if it was, you would have significant brain damage and have no quality of life. Would you want to be resuscitated in those circumstances?’ Or words to that effect. Dads despite delirium understood and agreed. He died 3 months later. Mum agreed when it was explained to her like that … she died about 2 months later. She knew she was dying in the final week but prior to that she was hopeful that she would have a few more years.

Yeah well you're not wrong!

If in doubt do what you would expect a decent bloke to do in your situation. Nobody asked you to perform miracles and you can't anyway.

I had nowhere near your burdens and still put on maybe a stone in my Mum's last couple of months. So, I recommend snacks, as being too fat kills you a lot slower than most other undesirable coping mechanisms.

If what I said resonates, I would recommend you try and get some psychotherapy to help work through it. The hope will have been there as a protective factor to try and prevent you having to feel very difficult things and as they surface now they could be hard to deal with without support.

@reallyworriedjobhunter

Thankyou that's very kind.

( also I should have said this on my first post but I do understand how awful it is for you to have to watch and cope with your mums illness.)