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Original poster

What’s acceptable? Yes - No answers

104 replies

SirMcDoddle · 25/10/2023 13:06

dh and dd are having an argument and i need your help to settle it.
Dd is mid 20s and back at home after Uni.
Dh and dd just cannot agree on what’s polite and ok to do so I’d ask you what your thoughts are. Would you think it’s ok to

1- never go out of the house Wo saying goodbye/telling people you’re going out
2- never go out of the house wo leaving a message if the other person is busy (eg in a meeting with work)
3- you need to tell people if your plans in good time - if possible (eg in Wednesday, I’ll be out all day or I won’t be in on Thursday evening)

Dh thinks dd should always do all of the above. Otherwise she is treating everyone like flatmates which we are not. And is therefore very rude if her not to do it.
dd says he is a hypocrite because he doesn’t do that when going to see his parents.
Both would agree it’s not about dd asking for permission to do anything.
So what happens in your house? Very happy with Yes and No answers. I’m trying to evaluate everyone’s expectations here and ‘guide’ the resolution.

OP posts:

ShirleyPhallus · 25/10/2023 13:08

you need to tell people if your plans in good time - if possible (eg in Wednesday, I’ll be out all day or I won’t be in on Thursday evening)

why does your husband need to know if your mid 20s daughter will be out “in good time”?!

I bet she feels massively suffocated by this! He’s treating her like a teen!

AbbeyGailsParty · 25/10/2023 13:10

Mid 20s I’d not have a rule about saying hello/goodbye and saying where they’re going.
Staying out overnight though should be said to prevent worrying.

DelphiniumBlue · 25/10/2023 13:11

I think DH is right, especially if he’s doing the meal plans!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 25/10/2023 13:12

Relationship with flat mates is different though, would they care if she was out all night.?
My DC are adults living at home (21/24) never had the living away experience.
I expect an “I’m off out/going to the gym/shops/work” as the6 leave and definitely if they’re planning to be out late/all night.

it’s common courtesy

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 25/10/2023 13:14

She's 20, she shouldn't have to report her comings and goings. The only things I'd expect are if you usually cook for her she lets you know if she'll be back for food, and if she's not coming home at night so you can secure the house.

DelphiniumBlue · 25/10/2023 13:14

Also, it’s not a hotel, it’s not unreasonable to want to know who’s in your own house. Fire safety reasons if nothing else.

Whataretheodds · 25/10/2023 13:14

Can't do yes or no as you haven't said whether your DH is expecting one thing from DD but not doing it himself (per her accusation). Surely the courtesy extends both ways?

Yes it's courteous to say goodbye to the other people in the house when you leave, assuming they're awake. I would have done the same with a flatmate.

No a 20 year old does not need to account for all her whereabouts to her parents.

If you eat together/someone's preparing a meal it's polite to let someone know.

Who's to say what "in good time" means. If you get an invitation after that are you not allowed to go?

fedupandstuck · 25/10/2023 13:14

I can't answer your pints with a yes/no unless there is more information!

Are you expecting her home for a family dinner every night? Or does she cook for herself?

When she goes out, do you mean a regular thing like going to work/Uni or similar? Or do you mean evening going out or weekend going out?

Again, with future plans, is that because you're expecting her to participate in family events that you're organising?

coxesorangepippin · 25/10/2023 13:15

But is the 20 year old lifting the weight at home with chores??

Original poster

SirMcDoddle · 25/10/2023 13:17

why does your husband need to know if your mid 20s daughter will be out “in good time”?!

Well that’s probably more me lol
Coming from a time when people were in and out at different times etc, never told me about their plans (that’s incl DH) so i would meal planning only to discover said meal plan wasn’t making sense at all!
We still have two teens at home and yes insisting everyone is letting me/us know what plans are so both meal plan and cooking make sense.

OP posts:

Lovemychair · 25/10/2023 13:18

It's only polite and respectful to say goodbye if you're going out, I would also like to know who's in for dinner and who's not- don't need lots of notice but it would be helpful to know that morning.

AnotherDayAnotherDream · 25/10/2023 13:20

Letting you know if she will be in for food is fair enough but he seems to be a bit controlling. She wouldn’t be messaging him she was leaving if he worked in an office so why is he insisting on it just because he wfh?

Original poster

SirMcDoddle · 25/10/2023 13:20

Just to confirm.
DH doesn’t ask dd to tell her where she is going etc… Just wants her to say goodbye.
Something like ‘I’m going now. Will be back this evening’

Were talking about what’s being polite here.

OP posts:

Michellebops · 25/10/2023 13:21

She's mid 20s, presumably paying rent/dig money then she can do what she likes imo.

It's quite difficult to return home after a period of being only having to think about number 1.

As a courtesy and a heads up I would loosely give plans if I would be home or not but if everyone has a mobile then a quick WhatsApp to see if she planned to be home should be acceptable.

She's an adult and if she lived in her own home she wouldn't be reporting her whereabouts daily

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 25/10/2023 13:22

1- rude not to shout bye as you leave
2- covered in (1), just shout bye
3- no not needed

Janieforever · 25/10/2023 13:24

All feels a little controlling and odd to me. I’d wonder how functional this family is. Not saying goodbye is very odd, most folks say bye as they leave . As for dinner, I’d make it assume I’m out unless I text and tell you and I won’t expect a meal.

I don’t get what she means about your husband doesn’t do it, so he does what he’s telling her not to> then he can’t be giving it do as I say not as I do, those days of being a twat are long gone.

Original poster

SirMcDoddle · 25/10/2023 13:24

Are you expecting her home for a family dinner every night? Or does she cook for herself?
No she can do what she wants. If we are together, then we cook fur everyone and have a meal together.

When she goes out, do you mean a regular thing like going to work/Uni or similar? Or do you mean evening going out or weekend going out?

Yes simply going out if the house and saying goodbye when you do.
Basically, according the DH, being polite enough to let people know you’ve ketchup.

Again, with future plans, is that because you're expecting her to participate in family events that you're organising?
No expectations from us. If we organise a family events, we talk about it and organise it together (if she wants to be there)

OP posts:

Janieforever · 25/10/2023 13:25

SirMcDoddle · 25/10/2023 13:20

Just to confirm.
DH doesn’t ask dd to tell her where she is going etc… Just wants her to say goodbye.
Something like ‘I’m going now. Will be back this evening’

Were talking about what’s being polite here.

Do you charge her to live there?

MadamVastra · 25/10/2023 13:25

The only thing I would care about is dinner

OhComeOnFFS · 25/10/2023 13:26

I agree with your husband. I want to know who's in my house - I think it's good manners and just a normal thing to do to say "I'm going out now" or "I'm back now".

Original poster

SirMcDoddle · 25/10/2023 13:28

I don’t get what she means about your husband doesn’t do it

DH and his parents have sometimes strange ways if doing things (well at least strange to me!).
Its not unusual that we’ve been to see PIL and it’s time to go, dh will just leave, say goodbye to his mum and not even try to say goodbye to his dad (who might be at the bottom of the garden).
Thats what dd is referring to.

OP posts:

Finlesswonder · 25/10/2023 13:28

If you want to be treated like an adult then live like one (get your own place)

SkaneTos · 25/10/2023 13:28

I agree with your DH.
It's good manners to tell family you live with if you are in the house or not.

mindutopia · 25/10/2023 13:28

I wouldn't expect anyone in a household to share their plans for going out of the house with anyone else unless it is going to impact that person.

So for example, dh and I go out at various times doing the course of the day (we both largely work from home). We wouldn't blank each other if we passed each other going through the door, but I wouldn't tell dh that I was running to the shop to get more dog food, unless (a) dh would need to collect dc from school as I wouldn't be able to, or (b) I wanted to check if he needed to get anything. We would both tell the other about anything we were doing outside of working hours as that's when we're both hands on with parenting, so we need to know where the other is. I wouldn't say goodbye just for the sake of it if I didn't even know where he was or might be interrupting something.

In your dd's case, I wouldn't expect her to tell us anything about what she's doing/when she'll be back unless it impacts something we were doing together or would cause concern if she wasn't back by a certain time. If she has dinner with you most nights, but is having dinner with a friend, I'd expect a message prior to dinner time saying, not eating at home tonight! So you know not to include her in dinner plans. Or if she is going out and not planning to come home (staying with friend/boyfriend), then I'd want to know that, so that I didn't stay up worrying about her. Otherwise, if she's going to be out late but coming home, a quick 'be home by midnight' sometime in the early evening is sufficient.

She is not 10. She doesn't need to give you the move by move account of her day. Most of us have no idea what we're doing tomorrow, so would be impossible to plan that far in advance. Your dh sounds controlling and like he's not ready to accept she is an adult now.

Original poster

SirMcDoddle · 25/10/2023 13:31

So it seems there are two groups of people.

Those who thinks it’s just good manners to tell someone you are going out of the house.
And those who think if it doesn’t impact you, why do you need to know.

OP posts:

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