What’s acceptable? Yes - No answers

[SirMcDoddle]

dh and dd are having an argument and i need your help to settle it.
Dd is mid 20s and back at home after Uni.
Dh and dd just cannot agree on what’s polite and ok to do so I’d ask you what your thoughts are. Would you think it’s ok to

1- never go out of the house Wo saying goodbye/telling people you’re going out
2- never go out of the house wo leaving a message if the other person is busy (eg in a meeting with work)
3- you need to tell people if your plans in good time - if possible (eg in Wednesday, I’ll be out all day or I won’t be in on Thursday evening)

Dh thinks dd should always do all of the above. Otherwise she is treating everyone like flatmates which we are not. And is therefore very rude if her not to do it.
dd says he is a hypocrite because he doesn’t do that when going to see his parents.
Both would agree it’s not about dd asking for permission to do anything.
So what happens in your house? Very happy with Yes and No answers. I’m trying to evaluate everyone’s expectations here and ‘guide’ the resolution.

It's basic politeness to tell whoever you live with if you're leaving or if you've just got in. And wanting to know if someone will be joining the family meal is sensible. I can't see anything controlling about that at all.

A, b yes- just polite
C not necessary but nice. People make plans unexpectedly

1. Normal to say hello/goodbye to your family when you come and go.
2. Don't see a massive issue with dropping a test to say that you're off out. However, wouldn't be a stickler for this as if I wanted to know if/when they'd be back for food I could also text them too. Communications on both sides could avoid this being a "rule".
3. Difficult one. I think if you know you're going to be away overnight, then yes, but not to have to give notice days in advance. Perfectly acceptable for her to tell you by message that day/night before.

*text

I don't think she should be expected to give a running account of her movements but if she wants to be cooked for, she should let you know she'll be in for dinner, failing which she can cook for herself.

She should do all of these. Not because she's young, but she's definitely not too old!

It's basic manners and pretty normal in most households, even just between couples, nevermind when there are more people concerned.

I agree. If I was visiting my mum for the day (or week) I wouldn’t just get up and go down to the shops without telling her, it’s just manners isn’t it? Even if I lived back with her (😬) I’d still do it.

I find the idea of leaving the house without saying bye really weird. It's not something I can imagine insisting on out of politeness, because I can't imagine needing to. Surely saying bye when you leave is just normal behaviour? If she wants to eat with you, she should keep you informed of when she'll be back. Apart from that, no need to inform you of plans.

This.

If you or DH are cooking a meal or her absence would impact other plans then of course she should say. She should also tell you if she's likely to be very late home or stay out all night to prevent worry. Otherwise, I don't think she should report her every movement. But, your home your rules I guess.

So do you just go out for the day and not tell anyone in your home you’re going out?

I think from a safety point of view it is a good idea to let someone know when you're going out and give them a rough idea of when to expect you back. My friend's daughter was missing (she'd had an accident) but no one realised until a couple of days later because no one knew when she'd left or where she was going.

When DS lived at home a few years after uni we agreed that we were three adults sharing a living space and it was basic politeness to keep the others informed of any going out or going away plans.
EG my DH would not leave the house without saying "I'm off now" or similar to me, and I would do the same.
If DH goes out for the evening for a drink he lets me know. I tell him if I'm going out to lunch with friends.
DS might not say what he's doing or where he's going but would always say bye, see you later. And if he is not coming home he'd text later to let us know, because he's considerate.
If anyone is not going to be in for dinner they tell me, the cook. That's all, job done.

I don’t think either way is right or wrong. As an adult, I definitely recognise that feeling of wanting to know where everyone is (not where they are, per se, but who is due to be home vs out).

Have you considered using a family planner? It could be a chalk board in the kitchen or a shared calendar app. Everyone could mark whether they’re expecting to be at home vs out for dinner and for overnight, without it feeling like an interrogation.

1- never go out of the house Wo saying goodbye/telling people you’re going out

Polite to as a common courtesy

2- never go out of the house wo leaving a message if the other person is busy (eg in a meeting with work)

Depends case by case basis. Will they be back before meeting ends. Did the other person in the meeting know there was a likelihood of them going out before meeting?

3- you need to tell people if your plans in good time - if possible (eg in Wednesday, I’ll be out all day or I won’t be in on Thursday evening)
Not really- unless it came up in conversation or a lift was needed somewhere.

In our house, everyone shouts bye when going out. We tend to know what everyone is doing e.g. I'll be out on Saturday as going to <city>. I do expect to be told a rough estimate of return time, and expect a text if going to be much later. I do the same in return.

If someone is in a meeting, in our house we would wave round the door or shout bye as normal.

It's rude to leave without saying goodbye (unless the people in the house are sleeping)

It's rude to mess up meal planning - but if she's not expecting dinner on the table it doesn't matter.

Absolute common courtesy to say 'hello' & 'goodbye' and to communicate general plans .. my DS (22) has been living at home since Uni and we all let each other know what our plans are ... didn't realise it was such a divisive issue?

Not read anything so you have my first reaction.

1- never go out of the house Wo saying goodbye/telling people you’re going out
She needs to mention she is leaving. If the house starts burning the firemen need to know who is in the house otherwise you would be risking their lives unnecessarily which is unacceptable. She would have to tell work if she goes off site for the same reason.

2- never go out of the house wo leaving a message if the other person is busy (eg in a meeting with work)
Same as above. It's a health and safety issue.

3- you need to tell people if your plans in good time - if possible (eg in Wednesday, I’ll be out all day or I won’t be in on Thursday evening)
Depends if food is being planned/bought/cooked. It's so others can plan around you instead of left hanging. Parents don't suddenly stop thinking of children's needs, it's a gradual slide. But personally i think it's polite and also creates a caring social side imo. Similar to eating round the table vs on trays on sofa. Both are acceptable but some ppl prefer the extra social interaction of family-ness which the table can bring.

Off to read the others!

1 & 2 yes (nice to do)
3 no

When dc were home from uni but before they moved out the basics were
Anounce when leaving and entering the house
Let me know if not sleeping at home that night.

Preferred was
Were they eating with us - would cook enough anyway
Would they be back late - after midnight 1 am.

Didn't need to know the details just would they be in or out of the house.

I think 1 and 2 are basic good manners. 3 is only necessary if it has an impact on your plans.

Yes!

Your DH needs to get in the real world

For the person doing any food shopping or cooking, it is a right pain in the neck to cater for people who don't bother to tell you that they won't be home for dinner. DC recently moved out, but I've been suffering from several years of this happening and it is exasperating.