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Original poster

What’s acceptable? Yes - No answers

104 replies

SirMcDoddle · 25/10/2023 13:06

dh and dd are having an argument and i need your help to settle it.
Dd is mid 20s and back at home after Uni.
Dh and dd just cannot agree on what’s polite and ok to do so I’d ask you what your thoughts are. Would you think it’s ok to

1- never go out of the house Wo saying goodbye/telling people you’re going out
2- never go out of the house wo leaving a message if the other person is busy (eg in a meeting with work)
3- you need to tell people if your plans in good time - if possible (eg in Wednesday, I’ll be out all day or I won’t be in on Thursday evening)

Dh thinks dd should always do all of the above. Otherwise she is treating everyone like flatmates which we are not. And is therefore very rude if her not to do it.
dd says he is a hypocrite because he doesn’t do that when going to see his parents.
Both would agree it’s not about dd asking for permission to do anything.
So what happens in your house? Very happy with Yes and No answers. I’m trying to evaluate everyone’s expectations here and ‘guide’ the resolution.

OP posts:
Ibravedaflood · 25/10/2023 13:32

We have a big house.. Def need to know who is in or out incase of emergency! I would need to know if a Big Family Dinner was expected a day or 2 in advance but not as a rule from adult dc! Manners surely to say hello and goodbye?

blobby10 · 25/10/2023 13:33

My DS (25) has just moved back in with me to save some money for a deposit on a flat/house in a new city. Its not a massive house so easy for him/me to shout 'hello' when we come in. If I'm working late I will tell him so he doesn't cook for me (we share the cooking), if he's going to be out he usually tells me once he knows - whether I remember what he has said is a totally different story!

I don't think any of you are being particularly unreasonable unless cooking meals is involved (you need to know the day before whether to cook for your DD the following night) and if you put a deadlock on the door at night time (can't do that if your DD is out late so she needs to let you know).

ManchesterLu · 25/10/2023 13:33

The first two are fine - if someone's going out they should let you know. No need to say where you're going of course.

The third one, it's polite to let people know when you have plans, for meal purposes, but at the same time if something comes up last minute I wouldn't expect to get annoyed at an adult - she can surely heat her portion up later or have it for tomorrow's lunch.

This is why parents and children don't often stay living together once the children are grown if there's any other choice. Parents still try to parent too much. She doesn't have to answer to you anymore.

AliceMcK · 25/10/2023 13:34

It’s good manners to say goodbye when going out. Same with a note, unless you’ve already said I’m going out later then while at home I think it’s respectful to at least leave a note saying gone out, don’t worry about dinner will be home late.. or similar. It’s your parents home, as your DH says not a flat share.

Same with if you know you won’t be home on x day and normally would be involved in meals. I just think having open communication within a family dynamic is important and respectful to all.

HiCandles · 25/10/2023 13:37

I think it's rude not to shout bye if the person staying at home is nearby/within earshot but I wouldn't expect DD to be touring the house searching for people to say goodbye to. I would expect a note/WhatsApp if she was going to miss a meal she'd previously said she'd be at so I'd know not to include her in the numbers. Same with overnight so I wouldn't worry.
It sounds like your DH doesn't yet understand that whilst she is his daughter, she's now an independent adult too.
I don't always say goodbye to DH if he's working in the garden room when I'm going out, but I'd shout a general bye if I knew he was in the house, without waiting for a response, unless it somewhere I thought he might want to come too.

Frequency · 25/10/2023 13:39
  1. Yes - it is rude not to say goodbye.
  2. Yes - with the exception of just nipping to the shop for a minute, although even then it is polite to send a message asking if anyone needs anything while you are there, imo.
  3. No - your DD is an adult. She does not need to run her plans by you "in good time". Telling you as she leaves is fine and updating you via text if she is going to be home later than expected or not coming home that night.

It is sensible from a safety POV for someone to know roughly where you are and when you are expected home. If you are in accident or something untoward happens and no-one is expecting you home it could take longer for anyone to notice you are missing and may need help.

FallingAutumnLeaf · 25/10/2023 13:39

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 25/10/2023 13:22

1- rude not to shout bye as you leave
2- covered in (1), just shout bye
3- no not needed

I think this is a pretty succinct answer, but id expect to know if people had plans to be out for dinner when I normally cook for them.

CurlewKate · 25/10/2023 13:41

Both of my children spent some time here at that age. I'd expect a hello and goodbye. And a text if they were out overnight. But I'd expect that from a flatmate too.

Whataretheodds · 25/10/2023 13:43

Well obviously there's what's sensible. If I'm down the end of the garden and DH is inside but I know he's planning to head out to the supermarket for a big shop that morning I don't need him to come to tell me that he's leaving. But if I were in the same room as him when he got up to leave it would just be weird for him not to say bye see you layer.

Original poster
SirMcDoddle · 25/10/2023 13:45

I just think having open communication within a family dynamic is important and respectful to all.

Now that would be my personal stance.
Vut I’m aware that dd will have developed a different way if living. And it doesn’t mean that her way of approaching things is wrong.
Id rather find a ‘compromise’ where everyone feels respected iyswim

OP posts:
CrochetedOwl · 25/10/2023 13:47

FallingAutumnLeaf · 25/10/2023 13:39

I think this is a pretty succinct answer, but id expect to know if people had plans to be out for dinner when I normally cook for them.

Show quote history

I agree with this. I expect to be told if not in for dinner. When I get home from work I shout ‘hello family’ if I nip out I shout ‘nipping to shop, does anyone want anything?’
I live with my 4dc and my ds girlfriend and I like to know who is in the house. Just basic manners to me.

Crinkle77 · 25/10/2023 13:47

1 and 2 yes, 3 no.

Mosaic123 · 25/10/2023 13:47

I think it's fair to know if someone is expecting supper or not (wasting food) and if they are not coming home that night at all.

Otherwise no need for parents to know all their movements.

CrochetedOwl · 25/10/2023 13:53

It’s not necessarily about knowing movements. My dc are 24,19,13&10 (plus my ds girlfriend also 24) a quick yell of ‘I’m off see you later’ or a message on the family group chat or ‘hi I’m home’ is just common decency to me.

Drinagh · 25/10/2023 13:54

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 25/10/2023 13:14

She's 20, she shouldn't have to report her comings and goings. The only things I'd expect are if you usually cook for her she lets you know if she'll be back for food, and if she's not coming home at night so you can secure the house.

This. Everyone involved is an adult.

ShirleyPhallus · 25/10/2023 13:55

Finlesswonder · 25/10/2023 13:28

If you want to be treated like an adult then live like one (get your own place)

What a horrible post

pythonny · 25/10/2023 13:56

In my house: If other inhabitants of house are within shoutable/poke-head-round-door distance then sure, we say hi and bye. If we have to hunt others down in the house / interrupt them / wake them / etc just to inform them we're leaving, then no we don't do that.

There's also always a quick text from both sides in the family group chat (if you're wondering where someone has vanished to, and if you're wanting to give those at home a heads up).

But honestly we don't NEED to know where each other are! It's fairly predictable anyway (eg work appointment, meeting friends, hobby, etc). What matters most to me is making plans to spend time together properly, for example at dinner or at weekends.

CrochetedOwl · 25/10/2023 13:57

I find it really weird that you don’t say hello or goodbye when you know other people are at home. Who knew it was so divisive 😂
Plus I have to announce my arrival at home so that I can choose my favourite child that day - which is the one that comes down and makes me a cup of tea 😂

Drinagh · 25/10/2023 13:59

CrochetedOwl · 25/10/2023 13:57

I find it really weird that you don’t say hello or goodbye when you know other people are at home. Who knew it was so divisive 😂
Plus I have to announce my arrival at home so that I can choose my favourite child that day - which is the one that comes down and makes me a cup of tea 😂

Big house. No one is going to go cantering about actively searching out someone else when going out just to say goodbye. My study is two floors up, 56 steps up a rickety, steep staircase, from the front door! We occasionally phone one another to say bye.

Workawayxx · 25/10/2023 14:00

I moved back in with my parents (20 years ago) after uni and for me it was:

1- never go out of the house Wo saying goodbye/telling people you’re going out
YES (just a shout up the stairs or whatever is fine though)

2- never go out of the house wo leaving a message if the other person is busy (eg in a meeting with work)
YES (I would just leave a post it on the table "Gone shopping, back about 5 xx" or similar)

3- you need to tell people if your plans in good time - if possible (eg in Wednesday, I’ll be out all day or I won’t be in on Thursday evening)
NO (although nice to mention if it affects meal plans/cooking).

My parents didn't have to ask me to do the above though.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 25/10/2023 14:03

DelphiniumBlue · 25/10/2023 13:14

Also, it’s not a hotel, it’s not unreasonable to want to know who’s in your own house. Fire safety reasons if nothing else.

Do you keep a register too? And have a hi-vis jacket hanging on the back of a chair just in case you need to do your warden duty?

MyDogSmellsTerrible · 25/10/2023 14:03

I agree with DH. It's basic manners.

plumtreebroke · 25/10/2023 14:04

I always say when I'm going out and usually where, and there is a calendar for planned things and I expect anyone living in the house to do the same. I would be annoyed if my DD just went out without saying if she would be back for dinner or not. It doesn't take a second to say going out back for dinner or back late don't wait up. And if plans changed I would hope to get a heads up, decided to stay at xxx's tonight. Nothing more scary than finding someone is not home in the morning when you thought they were coming back, even if they are adults.

Original poster
SirMcDoddle · 25/10/2023 14:04

CrochetedOwl · 25/10/2023 13:57

I find it really weird that you don’t say hello or goodbye when you know other people are at home. Who knew it was so divisive 😂
Plus I have to announce my arrival at home so that I can choose my favourite child that day - which is the one that comes down and makes me a cup of tea 😂

I know @CrochetedOwl!!

I knew people would have different takes but maybe nit to that point.

OP posts:
willWillSmithsmith · 25/10/2023 14:06

The only thing I would like is for them to just tell me if they’re going out, it’s just manners. If I come downstairs and they’re suddenly not in the house then I’d text them and ask if they’re out (even though they obviously are). It’s not really been an issue though as my son still at home always tells me if he’s going out.