Parents who let your toddlers run feral, how are your kids now?

[Fruitcakesanddogs]

I have a 23 month old. I am very relaxed with him. He’s messy, loud and basically a complete hurricane. I try to just let him do his thing, unless of course he’s going to harm someone else or is really annoying someone.

I know some people don’t like this kind of parenting. If that’s you then fair enough. However I am interested in hearing from parents who did take a more relaxed approach with their toddler. How did it turn out for you?

@Namechangeagain2023 absolutely right!!! They aren’t the most important thing and they have to learn the word No! Otherwise, it’s chaos everywhere with these awful self centred entitled brats who think the world owes them a living! Ghastly!

@GingerIsBest

all this drama over a ruined dinner??
why would a child forever live with consequences ? Are you a grandparent?

Your parenting style sounds like mine.

I would sum it up as only expecting something from your child that is developmentally appropriate. People expecting under 2s to sit down and shut up in a nice restaurant, but will also complain if a kid has an iPad in front of them are not cut out for raising kids.

My DS is 22 months and I’d say I’m probably slightly more strict with boundaries but my DS seems capable of understanding them eg. I would say “Time to put the dinosaur down. Bye dinosaur!” and he’s totally fine with that.

If you would like to venture out to “nicer” places I’d suggest doing your research and finding somewhere where your DC can toddler around while waiting for food to come for example. We recently visited family in a very fancy part of France and all the resultants were so posh. We just asked that we pick ones beside the beach and I took my DS off there for a wander until his food came. You also might be surprised at how accommodating some museums are. Ones like transport or science museums are usually good for toddlers. Priceless art and ceramics…maybe not!

The consequences of him being poorly parented are already visible and will get worse - struggle with social situations, fewer friends, low resilience when things are tough etc.

He's been "expelled" from multiple childcare settings already. School have placed all kinds of interventions for his behaviour and last year he was the subject of a heated class WhatsApp argument. Now, I think the rest of the parents were deeply deeply inappropriate to even get involved after this child's father started it, but I think it's pretty clear how much he, and his family, are disliked by the children and parents at his School. I have picked him up a few times from school, or been out with him and my dc when we see children/families he knows, and "frosty" is pretty much the only way to describe the way the adults appear to respond to him and "mixed" is the best I can say for the children.

Yes, exactly this. If the whole of parenting could be boiled down to “just be firm a few times when they’re one” for all children all those parenting experts would be out of business pretty quickly!

I know. Hilarious.

Yes, exactly this. If the whole of parenting could be boiled down to “just be firm a few times when they’re one” for all children all those parenting experts would be out of business pretty quickly!
Has anyone actually said that children's behaviour is magically sorted if you're firm a couple of times at one though?

Most people seem to fairly sensibly have a fairly middle of the road approach where as parents they teach their children appropriate behaviour over time, and this takes time and effort on the part of the parents.

It's a bit like any thread about child behaviour inevitably ends up with some arguing that people expect perfect behaviour in cafes (reality, almost nobody does and there's a huge difference between a child being a child and a parent allowing their children to run feral around the place).

Then there's arguments that either children run wild in public places or you have to give children tablets and screens to have anything resembling appropriate behaviour (again the entirely sensible middle ground of having age appropriate expectations, engaging children, supporting them to behave, teaching them expectations like all middle of the road parents do is conspicuously absent).

And if all else fails, simply pretend that parenting makes very little difference and some children pop out the womb naturally knowing what's acceptable behaviour.

Most children don't charge around shops helping themselves to various items as only putting them back on their terms. Most children don't run wild in cafes, restaurants and public spaces. It's not because they're born perfect, it's because their parents (who will probably all have slightly different parenting approaches) have chosen to make the effort.

The park has lots of fun things to do. I'll let her keep trying for as long as she wants to keep trying. Big kids can go a different way around or play on something else until she's done. The park equipment is for everyone and everyone has to wait their turn.

No, I dont. He is polite and well behaved and follows rules and respects adults. But he also tells us if he thinks the situation is unfair. I think that’s great, and it’s interesting as he gets older to have conversations about which rules we might challenge and which we might not. Of course it goes both ways - if he is doing something I think is rude or selfish or unhelpful then I talk to him about it.

I’m sure it would be quicker to say ‘do this because I say so’ but he is an only child and we have time to talk about (for example) why it’s important to wait at the table til everyone has finished eating/ do your homework/ listen to your teacher even if you think she’s wrong/ be nice to the new kid at school.

I sometimes think that a lot of old fashioned professions work along the lines of unquestioned hierarchies - the law, academia, medicine. I notice the ‘do as I say’ parents I know are often from these professions and while I don’t think that approach would work for us I wonder if there is a correlation between unquestioning belief in systems and being able to climb the ladder in an old fashioned hierarchy.

But … if I had known how this thread would go I wouldn’t have commented because I think people have started to take sides - either you are a strict parent or your children are terrors. I was trying to be a bit more nuanced but this is not the place for it.

@LolaSmiles Has anyone actually said that children’s behaviour is magically sorted if you’re firm a couple of times when they’re one though?

“TBH this is just such a non- issue in my toddler parenting experience like getting dressed, teeth brushing and getting in the buggy. A few instances of being firm around the first birthday and done.”

Just seems like a bit of a generalisation to call something someone else is struggling with a “non-issue” because something you did worked on your kids - as if those of us with kids with different personalities never even thought of just being firm a few times.

I couldn’t agree with you less, you need to compromise and then it is “we are going to have one more try and then the pthet children can come on” letting her carry on as long as she likes teachers her nothing except that she’s the only person who counts. It is totally the wrong way to be, she gets to have a few goes and she lets other children have their turn

'Has anyone actually said that children's behaviour is magically sorted if you're firm a couple of times at one though?'

Yeah somebody said it upthread. Presumably the parent of a 1.1 year old

A park near us has two sets of equipment, one 6ft of the ground with the bits spaced further apart designed for 8+ and then a smaller version at about 3ft off the ground for younger children.
It still gets parents attempting to lift the toddlers onto the big equipment (and they have to lift as the access ladder is designed for the child to need to be a certain height). Its not fair on the bigger kids.

Toddler patents then complain when the big kids try to use the smaller stuff!
Its the same in soft play...

Yeah somebody said it upthread.
Presumably the parent of a 1.1 year old
I've definitely scrolled fast and missed that. They're probably the parent of a 1 year old though, you're right.

Most of the advice has been pretty good overall.

When I had toddlers someone said to me that the principle was easy but implementing it consistently was difficult. I think that sums up the good advice on this thread. The principle of stepping up as a parent and making decisions to hold boundaries because you know long term it is good for your children is easy.

The hard part is actually doing it Vs deciding that on Tuesday you might say no, but Thursday they can yank stuff of the shelves, Saturday is ok because they weren't bothered about touching, Sunday they can help themselves and you'll try to put it back and then give in after 5 minutes because they're crying and you don't want to upset them etc. The permissive and inconsistent approaches make it much harder later on to maintain boundaries because the child's current expectation is that the poor behaviour might win out 50% of the time.

I consider myself a gentle parent who is also fairly strict with strong boundaries.

You can be both.

Park equipment is for age and ability appropriate use. That’s why they put different equipment in for children of different ages. Pretending you don’t know that is likely to end up with your child getting hurt. Also, ‘wait your turn’ for other kids only works if it doesn’t sit alongside ‘your turn is as long as you want it to be’ for your own kid. You can argue the toss about it, but it’s only your daughter that’s going to end up worse off for it.

@PuttingDownRoots yeah and I can imagine there's loads of 'your big rowdy 6 year olds barged into my precious toddler' well get them off the big kids equipment then or take them when older children are at school...which is most of the day.

'Also, ‘wait your turn’ for other kids only works if it doesn’t sit alongside ‘your turn is as long as you want it to be’ for your own kid.'

Yeah turn taking only works if your child is using the equipment properly, which a toddler almost certainly is not.

Yeah turn taking only works if your child is using the equipment properly, which a toddler almost certainly is not.
Agree with this. If anyone is letting their children go on equipment that's much too big for them and they can't manage with a lot of adult input then the adult needs to be the one with sense to read the room and move when children of the appropriate age want to play.

Our children might be the centre of our world but they're not the centre of the world

Turn taking only really works if everyone has a similar idea of how long a turn is, regardless of the age of the children involved…but I totally agree that a child who’s on equipment that’s too big for them should not be stopping kids of the right age from using it.

Sticking to the right-age equipment is hard when you have two kids of different ages and there’s only one of you - so I do let mine go on the “wrong” age equipment at times, but I make sure it isn’t to the detriment of any other child.

I'm aware gentle parenting is a 'thing' but I don't know the ins and outs of it. I think a lot of people might describe themselves as gentle parents without actually knowing that much about it tbh.

I didn't follow a particular style of parenting. I just parented. Sometimes better than others. The only time I was a perfect parent was before I had DC...

I'm not a shouter and I'm naturally quite patient. I usually tried to reason with my DC and always gave them an explanation for why I wanted them to do something or why I was unhappy they had/hadn't done something. I let them get absolutely filthy playing with paint or outside and we made plenty of messes cooking etc.They had a bedtime story every night, I've travelled halfway round the country for various sports etc and I tried to strike the right balance between never setting them up to fail (taking a 2-year-old to the ritz) but setting high standards and expectations (not letting them run around in a familiar friendly restaurant). However, I was also quite strict on things like bedtime, hitting, manners, etc. I never smacked my DC but like most parents I occasionally lost my shit and yelled at them or handled a situation badly because my own resilience had been worn down though work or lack of sleep. I used to give myself a hard time over that until someone older and wiser pointed out that it's a good thing for children to realise their parents are human not gods with feet of clay.

I don't think I had a parenting ethos as such. I just tried to raise decent humans the best way I could. Isn't that what we all do? I try not to judge other parents in the main but I admit to being a bit sceptical about anyone who describes their parenting as part of a formal school iyswim. My experience is normally that said parents have latched onto whatever school fits best with their own personality rather than having really researched it and taken an evidence-based approach, which is no different to anyone else does is it?

Kinda missing the point OP but have you tried tickling his tummy when he won’t get in the pushchair. Always worked a charm for us

children need to be taught boundaries.

no boundaries = no security

no security = “feral”

the end

@Resilience My experience is normally that said parents have latched onto whatever school fits best with their own personality rather than having really researched it and taken an evidence-based approach, which is no different to anyone else does is it?

I completely agree with what you’re saying - I couldn’t be a particularly strict parent even if I wanted to, it’s just not who I am - but when you say “evidence-based”, what outcome are you looking for? I don’t really think of parenting as a process that yields a particular result, I think of it as a way of treating people - it’s just that those people are children.

Lots of people have talked about how parenting needs to be age-appropriate and if there’s an evidence-based approach to parenting then I’d want it to be focused on what children of various ages are actually capable of in terms of their brain development. Otherwise, I think it’s impossible to say “this type of parenting results in children who end up like this” - and even if there was, to me that feels a bit like treating raising children as a science project, somehow!

My oldest (12) was never allowed to run wild however my middle (8) was 🙈 both are very laid back at their ages just now, stick with what they are told to do and well mannered . Both have the tendency to be rather selfish in their own ways and can have typical tantrums etc.

Funnily enough my oldest who wasn’t allowed to run wild couldn’t sit through a panto until around 7 where as my wild one was able to sit through and engage with it.