Parents who let your toddlers run feral, how are your kids now?

[Fruitcakesanddogs]

I have a 23 month old. I am very relaxed with him. He’s messy, loud and basically a complete hurricane. I try to just let him do his thing, unless of course he’s going to harm someone else or is really annoying someone.

I know some people don’t like this kind of parenting. If that’s you then fair enough. However I am interested in hearing from parents who did take a more relaxed approach with their toddler. How did it turn out for you?

Oh no - I agree with you about those parents, too!

I suspect some of them are the same parents...

Agree about this.

And I’m not sure how the not letting them go on certain slides works in practice as mostly the parks near us have toddler stuff and more adventurous stuff in the same vicinity. So what, I’m supposed to keep intercepting DS and bringing him back to the toddler stuff every time he goes by it and of course going home when he doesn’t comply until he gets the message he’s only allowed on limited equipment? How joyless and boring.

This in theory sounds like it makes sense but it is not always the case that giving in sometimes will produce unruly teenagers. Some posters on here clearly only have young children and lots of books on bringing up children. If you have older DC in their teens you get to realise that the theory on this stuff is often there just to make money and make parents feel insecure about intuitive parenting. Parents do get overwhelmed and with nights of endless broken sleep in the toddler years or just the general energy needed to keep them safe, you do just want tantrums or upset to stop and sometimes give in. I did because I wasn't a robot and my DC have turned out to be the kids that are considerate, well behaved and kind, they have friends who are similar. In the eldest's case they were the teenagers that achieved the highest GCSE grades in the school, the teachers love them, the English teacher wrote to me about how much of pleasure my DS has been to teach this was because she wrote to request that his already good grade get reviewed and the school pay for it as she thought he'd been robbed of a grade 9, we refused as didn't want to risk it. At parents' evening my youngest had nothing but praise, gets on with work no quibbles, gets homework in early. She often comes home to me and describes some 'popular' girls who don't stop moaning at the teacher, falling to sleep on their desk and she gets frustrated and DD wonders why they can't just get on with the work rather than complaining all the time. I know in two of these cases, the kids went to DD's primary school that the parents were the type to always assert their authority as the parent, often quite publicly, "no arguing with me I said no", forcing their uncooperative younger siblings in the buggy in the playground, que more loudness and battling, often they were their kids adversaries for the sake of it I think. I don't know there is something really miserable about all that I think, I becomes a game of who has the upper hand, but there appears no happiness with the children. Guess what, with both of my DC sometimes if they were upset and I wanted it to stop as it wasn't pleasant for them or everyone around them, I would just purchase a Thomas train with DS or a puzzle for DD or a comic and sometimes for example, I would make some boredom in a buggy better on holiday by buying them a soft toy or something from the gift shop as it is a lot to ask of a 2,3,4,5,6,7,8 year old to follow Grandma who dithered in cathedrals, palaces etc to enjoy the architecture and as she has bought DH up very strictly, she expected my DC to accept this just like she expected DH to when he was that age. It made life easier and I don't really care that it was 'giving in'. I didn't want to be my DC's adversary and I don't see that kind of upset as manipulation, that is ridiculous. I would often carry both of them if they were upset and push the buggy with the other hand. I think it is a corruption of your power as a parent to be so forceful and insistent on their upset.

On the other hand, I would say no but it wasn't a big deal, i.e "no, lets go down the slide now as another child is waiting". "No, we can't have that huge Lego toy today as we are here to buy food perhaps put it on a Christmas list (when they were older so 5/6)" crying rarely happened over such refusal. When they were very little I would distract and get out a toy I had brought from home. Obviously, upset did happen, DS went through a biting stage at 20 months, it lasted about 2 months but we just had to go home as obviously violence is not acceptable in any form.

Sometimes, in cafes not formal restaurants as silly place to go with a very young child, they didn't want to stay in the high chair, fine, I got them out and they sat on my lap. I don't understand why these power games are important to some parents, to win. My MIL was strict and would often look perplexed if I didn't for example force my child in to the buggy crying, she didn't understand why I would give them snacks to placate etc. I am talking an organix crisp but I don't think it has helped her relationship with her DC as my BIL is always falling out with her and they do talk about the formality of their childhood and my DC they find it easier as teenagers in particular to be with my Mum and sadly find Grandma a formidable person who is hard to be close with. I had a similar upbringing to my DC and again I was a well behaved, kind child and thoughtful teenager and I am close to my Mum.

Perhaps you go with him ?
You haven't said how old he is. If he can't use the equipment in the way it is intended and is stopping others from doing so he is too young for that equipment. I cannot believe you are allowing a toddler to block play equipment for everyone because you either want to avoid a tantrum or have some ill concieved notion that you will crush his spirit. That isn't fair on the other children who are playing nicely.

Yes, I did! At the time of ‘no boy’ he was two and a half.

Going with him is fine if I’m not heavily pregnant (as I was at the time) or with a baby (as I am now.) In any case, it was a one off. Children are unpredictable sometimes. Embarrassing as hell and I apologised to the other mum (who was lovely) but hardly feral.

So how did you ultimately resolve it ? I do think allowing a 2y o to get themselves into situation like that when you were unable to get him down is a bit irresponsible TBH, I stopped going to soft play with DS when I was heavily pregnant for similar reasons, we spent more time at home in the garden or at friends' houses. Once the baby was born I found the sling a lifesaver.

Cue not 'que'.

So what, I’m supposed to keep intercepting DS and bringing him back to the toddler stuff every time he goes by it and of course going home when he doesn’t comply until he gets the message he’s only allowed on limited equipment?

But presumably that's exactly what you'd do if it was dangerous? My 18 month old wants to follow my 4 year old up a big climbing frame but she can't. So yes, I stop her spending ages trying to climb up some massive steps that she can't do, aren't safe for her, and she's getting in other children's way while she does it.

I'm pretty laid back about what my kids go on on the playground, to the point that I've been told my child is too small for something and I should be more careful (on one occasion it was a climbing wall thing that she was managing with absolutely no problem at all, another time they told me she should be on a smaller slide despite again being totally fine and not causing any problems by dithering etc). But I don't let them interfere with other children's enjoyment by clogging up things if they really are too little for it.

I don’t know - I think this comes from an almost opposite approach to parenting. The pumpkin going up the slide is there because his parent thinks his feelings matter more than anyone else; the kids on the zipwire are there because their parents aren’t paying enough attention to them to notice what they’re doing*.

The assumption on this thread is that “feral”
kids do what they like because their parents allow them to believe the world revolves around them, but the worst-behaved child I know behaves badly because her parents are always too busy doing their own thing to do anything about her behaviour (or even give her much in the way of attention, from what I can see).

*Or they have noticed and just don’t care, in which case it is the same situation as the pumpkin on the slide - but at least some of the time they’re just not watching their kids. Sometimes the parents are nowhere to be seen - I remember a four-year-old at a playground struck up a conversation with me once and told me his parents had gone to the cafe, which was a good 150 yards away…

I think it depends what exactly you mean by "feral". We're very laid back parents, we don't have many rules, but the ones we have (relating to health, safety and respect for others) we hold very firm on. She's nearly 4 now and extremely well behaved, confident and happy. She's independent because she's never had an adult hovering over telling her how to do things, she knows her strengths and limits and she doesn't rebel against the rules much because she knows the only ones we have are for a good reason. Her nursery teachers tell me she's just as lovely there too.

Who knows, it might all change and we'll end up with a crazy teenager (my stepdaughter is 14 but had a very different upbringing, so idk!) but for now, it works very well.

And the comments re park equipment, what on earth?! If my daughter was playing on a piece of equipment first, I'm not going to teach her that other children take priority because she's not big enough to do it yet. What message is that sending? If at first you don't succeed, give up and get out of the way?!

She can do whatever she likes at the park, if another child is playing with something she waits her turn or goes to do something else and other children can do the same if she's using something.

The worst that can happen is she falls a few feet onto a rubber floor, hardly life threatening.

@thefamous5 If they don't want to wear a coat, that's ok. But I take it with me so when they realise they're cold I have it

YOU carry your child's coat like a servant, so they can decide if they are cold and get it from you?? Oh my goodness. Absolutely batshit.

No consequences for their decision at all!

What’s the right thing to do though if you insist your child does wear a coat and then they get too hot while you’re out? Do you carry it for them then?

I get that if that’s the case then technically you’re dealing with the consequences of your own decision not theirs - but would a child
of that age really understand the difference?

(I think the coat thing is really tricky - my two both run hot so it can be really difficult to judge whether they actually do need that coat or not.)

'And the comments re park equipment, what on earth?! If my daughter was playing on a piece of equipment first, I'm not going to teach her that other children take priority because she's not big enough to do it yet. What message is that sending? If at first you don't succeed, give up and get out of the way?! '

Um...yes? Either you teach her now that getting in bigger kids way is a bad idea or she'll find out the hard way.

If she’s not big enough for the equipment then surely children who are do take priority? Don’t they have a mix of equipment? I never let my little ones get in the way of big kids on big kids’ park stuff.

We have a lot of conversations about this because he never learnt to obey an adult for the sake of it. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, personally, but it might not serve him well in life

Do you regret this now? Making his life harder than it needs to be?

I agree with the neglect side, he will grow and think you didn't care enough to bother with him

I think I did a combination of parenting. I think my younger daughter is generally less challenging partake because she saw the consequences for her elder sister when things went too far across the years. At times I still find my eldest challenging, but I did give her boundaries and although I tried to let her personality emerge and let her be who she was, I was very aware that I was in charge and that I set the boundaries. If you can’t go to museums etc I think that is a shame. It sounds like there is a situation already where your son is calling the shots more than you both realise and the problem with that is how to regain control when he’s older, if you don’t mind me saying so. The thing is we parent as we parent and in reality it takes an awful lot to re-train ourselves, but you could make a change at this stage which may lead to you all being a bit happier. At the moment it sounds like your son is happy, but at a cost to you already. Good luck and thank you for your candour.

I just typed out a whole long message because basically, a child like OP's, but 5 years later, ruined my birthday a few weeks ago. I won't bother as no one else needs to read the sad sorry tale. But I'll say this - a child whose parents constantly try to appease it and who gets what they want all the time is a child who will be unpleasant and unliked. I feel desperately sorry for this child, but increasingly, I want nothing to do with him and I want him out of my house and out of my life.

It's not his fault. It's his parents' fault. But he will be the one who is going to have to live with the consequences forever.

@GingerIsBest

very dramatic… are you fifteen?? you don’t sound like a grown up. Why would a 7 year old “live with consequences forever”?

I want to hear the story of how a young child ruined an adults birthday and they held a grudge long enough to post about it on MN actually

Gentle parenting doesn't work if you have multiple children. I can't wait ages on a toddler to leave a shop, not when I have others with me.

@MeinKraft It was only a week or so ago so not a LONG grudge.

It's just boring and it's to do with being entitled, rude, destructive and disruptive while the mother stands there bleating, "you're being annoying". It's behaving so badly that tempers were lost and tears were shed and dinner was ruined.

It's a child who has heard "no" a million times, but it's never ever been enforced so he continues to do whatever he likes, whenever he likes, because it is worth it for him as 95% of the time, he gets away with it, no matter who else suffers as a result.

That really does depend on the child, honestly.
I had one very easy child, then one who was a nightmare. She'd argue all day. I had to persevere and now she's a delight.