Parents who let your toddlers run feral, how are your kids now?

[Fruitcakesanddogs]

I have a 23 month old. I am very relaxed with him. He’s messy, loud and basically a complete hurricane. I try to just let him do his thing, unless of course he’s going to harm someone else or is really annoying someone.

I know some people don’t like this kind of parenting. If that’s you then fair enough. However I am interested in hearing from parents who did take a more relaxed approach with their toddler. How did it turn out for you?

My son was like a hurricane at 2. I wish I had been more thoughtful in my parenting and not allowed other peoples opinions about what constitutes discipline and boundaries to make me question myself. He has since been diagnosed with ADHD, he is medicated and I have developed over the last few years more warm / gentle parenting techniques which are MUCH more effective in actually enabling him to behave well than the stereotypical “I will stamp this out” approach I felt pressured into taking and which were ineffective and counter productive. This does not mean no boundaries and no consequences.

Mine was probably seen as feral, had to have a 1-1 in nursery as very destructive and was later diagnosed with autism and adhd. He is no longer feral. Chilled teen now. Looking back his feralness was SEN and frustration as he was non verbal.

This, with bells on

This. Every second kid in some classrooms - if you're ever wondering why education in the UK has gone downhill, it's because teachers (rightly) shouldn't have to spend most of their days dealing with this shit and they leave in droves. It's a recipe for outspoken kids who think everyone's opinion needs to be heard, all the time. Politely, rudely, or violently, it makes no difference, all of it is self-centred behaviour which detracts from kids actually learning, and the teacher being able to get on with the actual job of teaching.

Outside the classroom, other adults also can't stand these kids.

My nephew's mom raised him in what would be called 'gentle parenting' today (he is a teen now). She did not do the time-out chair or really any discipline except explaining why something was wrong or ignoring negative behavior and rewarding positive behavior. The school has called the police on him twice, he was kicked out of 2 nurseries before he was 4, has no real friends, and may be held back in school.

I think a big problem here is that children are pretty terrible at separating wants and needs. Children might not want to hold an adult's hand to cross the street but for safety it must be done. Children don't want to share but to learn good social cues they must.

My nephew only thinks about what he wants and has little regard to any further consequences of that want or how it will affect others as he didn't ever have to do anything he didn't want to when he was young. I get that you probably don't mean 'feral' in your post but feral children will struggle in society as boundaries, rules, and cues that they have never had to follow, are required.

I don’t think it’s okay to let your child walk round a shop, picking up toys that you have no intention of buying and playing with them until they choose to put them back. I feel for the shop owner tbh.

It’s not reality and later in life he’ll be shocked to be told not to touch stuff that doesn’t belong to him. You might have all the time in the world right now to meander around doing what you feel like, when you like but assuming he’ll be in mainstream school and you might want to work again, rules/managing time will be necessary…..

The type of child I would absolutely not want around my 16 month old.

if he ever came over for a play date and I was saying no to my child because he was about to climb on something that could potentially hurt him, what am I telling your child? Just leave him to crack on because the word ‘no’ is not something in your parenting vocabulary.

Children need to be parented. Your job is to parent and teach them. This is what is wrong with the kids of today. No guidance, left to get on.

My little boy is 16 months and he understands everything. He can’t talk but he knows exactly what I’m saying. If I tell him to go put his car back, he will put it back. If I say no, he might pull a face and whinge but he stops what he’s doing.

and yes, I would 100% make him get in that pushchair. I am the adult, I am the parent. I will not be ruled by my 16 month old. Being in the pushchair means he is safe. We will also be leaving the shop when I decide and we will be leaving without the dinosaur.

As a licensee I've dealt with many of them when they reach 17/18. It's not fun.
In the local community when you've known them from babies to adulthood you generally know very early on which ones you will have issues with. Covid was a great example, when we had to follow all the random rules - customers had to sit down, only groups of 6, you can get served at the bar but have to sit outside then it was you can't go to the bar but you can sit inside etc and I had to enforce them all with the feral adults created by parents that hadn't enforced boundaries. It does them no favours in life.

I hate parents who refuse to parent their children, why should I have to suffer your feral beast while my child is sitting behaving, it also makes it harder for the rest of us when we are trying to set boundaries for our children and they see your animal rutting about and paving the way to an asbo.

There's a difference between "permissive parenting" - which is letting the child dictate everything or being too weak too enforce rules or boundaries, and "emotion coaching" - which is validating emotions (no bad emotion) but gently enforcing rules about beahviour (big feelings doesn't make it okay to hit etc). Emotion coaching is amazing and generally the best way of raising well adjusted humans. Permissive parenting is terrible and leads to life long problems. My neighbour is a permissive parent because she had an abusive childhood and she's too scared to be even the slightest bit strict, and her daughter makes her life an absolute misery (now 7 years old). Read up on emotion coaching for gentle discipline techniques . I think your DS will be fine.

Thing is you manage it when they are 18m and still easy to pick up and remove. Starting age 3.5 and I agree it becomes much more difficult.

Its end in having children who are far too entitled, think too much about themselves only and who believe they do not have to follow rules or have any boundaries. These children are becoming more common (I work in a school) and I can tell you it is horrendous. School teachers are already drowning and then we have people who are not properly parenting their kids so we have to do that too? No wonder teachers a leave the profession. Teach your child boundaries, rules, consequences etc, it's not our bloody job to raise your children. It's our job to teach them, nurture them and support them. If you allow your child to be feral at home, how do you expect them to be when they're in a school setting? Then you complain your child is not being taught properly, or has fallen behind.

All in all, its disastrous in my professional opinion.

I was very strict with my first child, but my sixth is 23 months and I will often refer to him as feral. I guess I’ve adapted my parenting style with each subsequent child and when my seventh is born in a few months I’ll let the two year old raise them.

I can tell you that when they get to school they aren't ready to learn. They get upset easily because they've never before been told what to do and don't understand why they can't continue to run wild, they disrupt, children don't want to play with them and their early school experiences aren't positive.
90% of your learning is done by age 4, if ever I see a parent not parenting a small one or saying 'once you get to school, they'll sort you out' I cringe as the damage is very much already done.

Again @Neurodiversitydoctor it depends.

It has thankfully only happened to me once, where I was helpless at the bottom of a slide while DS refused to let anyone else on it (‘DS, let this little boy up’ - ‘ no boy!’)

If you can you should but it is a situation I absolutely dread.

Ok so 2 questions ;

1. How old was the child ?
2. How high was the slide ?

IME sub 3s should either be on slides low enough for an adult to easily reach up and get them down or an adult should be at the top of the slide with them. If older than 3 then surely this was all sorted out long ago.

TBH this is just such a non- issue in my toddler parenting experience like getting dressed, teeth brushing and getting in the buggy. A few instances of being firm around the first birthday and done.

From the children I've seen it means you're left with some of the more undesirable behaviours for longer (crying if don't get own way at primary school) as they've not had to learn to lump it / just get on with it because mum / day say so. So it's more annoying for longer. But who knows, maybe they're happier children and it's worth the inconvenience? Or maybe they're going to be annoying well into the workplace?!

Wi think the point people are making about school is very valid. Children think that they are the only ones who count, they talk back at the teachers, they acccuse the teachers of not respecting them and they get up ajd walk out of class. This is in a very affluent middle class high performing comprehensive where most kids are from professional families. They’re spoilt and indulged and have every whim and desire catered to. It’s a new thing, my older kids at the same school never had this.

my youngest tried it once and once only. He told me the teacher didn’t respect him: he was 12. He knew the boundaries, he knew I was going to hit the roof because he understands he is not the centre of the world, he knows that it’s not about him it’s about being part of a functioning society where his wants don’t come first all the time. He never ever has done it again. And quite frankly it’s because he learnt that as a child it wasn’t all about him and I never worried about saying the word no.

I think it totally depends on your toddlers genetic make-up and you may not know that until they’re older.
by my third kid I could spot the genetic ADHD or autism signs earlier than my first two. Eg dislike of loud noises, inability to follow steps, no sense of danger, picky with food, or not etc
toddlers are hard to reason with at the best of times.
rather than focus on the bit where they run wild, I’d focus on what they can do and when they will listen.
know your toddlers concentration limits (45 mins). Don’t let them be wild longer than that - they’re not wild, their focus has gone. They need a change.
know their signs. Dehydration, hunger tiredness. Even “poo” signs! My youngest has terrible ants in his pants for the 30-60 minutes before he needs a poo. He also eats a lot just before a poo!
prepare your toddler before you get there…. Eg we are going to X, where we can do X but not X

When my son was a very energetic toddler, I purposely set aside time in the day when he was at home, every single day, for him to ‘run it out’. We would do this in an open space, let him explore or climb a tree etc, but he still had regular instructions in order to stay safe.

He is at a boys school and they’re quite intentional about the boys having time to release physical energy. It helps them to simmer down when needed.

i do not think that just leaving a toddler to it, will yield much benefit later. In fact, the risk that I see, is more problematic behaviour later on, if the child doesn’t know how to channel their energy. This could be destructive behaviour at home, or disruptive behaviour at school.

I would suggest you maybe join your little one onto some clubs or classes as he grows. This will be an excellent opportunity for him to release energy, learn to listen to instruction and work well with others, in a team. For example, a lot of football classes start from age 2/3. He could join anything from drama club, to scouts, to cricket or swimming.

my son is almost 12 now and I can not tell you how important it is, that boys like this learn when to use their energy and when to calm down and listen to instruction. They are vital life skills. Getting into trouble at school for example, will only lead to a whole host of other problems; poor self esteem, difficult friendships, a negative relationship with learning, identifying as a ‘bad kid’.

I understand that you are leaning towards ‘gentle parenting’. Nobody is suggesting that we should use harsh methods of control. I just think that guidance, and encouraging the formation of critical skills is something we have to do early on.

Whilst I do agree in being gentle and children having some control over their choices, you are the boss, you have more life experience as to what needs to happen and you have to enforce boundaries. And sometimes it won’t be their first choice, sometimes you can offer the choice, but do it in a way that prepares him and acknowledges his upset, but stand firm. ‘Mummy had afew errands today so we are going in the buggy, I know you would rather walk but we can walk tomorrow’
’mummy only has 10 spare minutes, would you like those looking at the dinosaur or at the swings, 10 minutes over time to go’ ‘Iit’s sad when we are enjoying ourselves and have to go isn’t it’
i know many who’s children ruled the roost, they are horrid teens with extremely frazzled parents

OP ,I dont read this as 'gentle parenting - i read it as your child is the one controlling everything, and you are letting him.
I dont understand when you are saying 'whats the point in telling him when he doesnt understand?'. Of course he will start to understand the word NO, followed by an action when you do this consistently. I mean how long are you prepared to stand in the shop for before he puts the toy down ?. Its ridiculous.
I think you need to nip this in the bud now whilst he is still young or you will end up with a child who has no respect for anyone/ anything and he will suffer as a result.

@Neurodiversitydoctor he was 2 and a half. And it wasn’t so much the height of the slide as the way it was laid out and I was very heavily pregnant at the time. Even without pregnancy climbing up on it and wrenching him off would have been a bit difficult to be honest.

And I would say most of the time it’s fine, DS is dive, gets dressed, has bath, cleans teeth, sleeps, eats. But he has his moments, I’m not going to pretend otherwise 🤷🏼‍♀️