Parents who let your toddlers run feral, how are your kids now?

[Fruitcakesanddogs]

I have a 23 month old. I am very relaxed with him. He’s messy, loud and basically a complete hurricane. I try to just let him do his thing, unless of course he’s going to harm someone else or is really annoying someone.

I know some people don’t like this kind of parenting. If that’s you then fair enough. However I am interested in hearing from parents who did take a more relaxed approach with their toddler. How did it turn out for you?

But if you give into tantrums, your child will know they can throw a wobbly and get whatever they want whenever they want.

Tantrums are shortlived, theyll eventually stop when the child realises they cant get their own way.

Not me as I'm far too much of a worrier / being judged!
But the children I know who have had a more relaxed upbringing are usually more confident and fearless. They have been 'allowed' to explore without a weary parent following their every move. They aren't scared of getting muddy, wet splashes or sand on them. I admire it

@CowboyJoanna yes and no, if that doesn’t sound too contradictory. It really does depend on circumstances.

If my DS asks for ‘ockolate’ (thanks PIL) and has a tantrum when I say no, and I do some cajoling, that isn’t the same as giving in. I might not say ‘no absolutely not DS, how very dare you even ask me, you know what the Boundaries are!’

Cajoling would be more likely to offer something else ‘I don’t have any chocolate but would you like a yoghurt?’ or using a bit of humour or saying yes but … after dinner, later, if you sit on the potty depending on circumstances.

I also don’t think that ‘giving in’ is the prologue to a life of dysfunction or crime - sometimes, it’s just the most sensible thing to do for all sorts of reasons.

This is very sensible.

OP, you have to allow your son to experience things that he finds annoying and frustrating. This includes sometimes having to get in the buggy. I went at toddler pace whenever I could (SAHM, so toddler speed used up a lot of time effectively), but sometimes you simply have to get somewhere and you can't accommodate a slow small child who wants to inspect drains. Yes they can do that later, but not now. Sometimes they have to put the toy down, because it's your turn to pay and the other people in the queue can't be kept waiting for 20 minutes while your child decides what he's going to do with it. And so on.

Affection etc are generally to do with personality. I never shouted at my children, and they have never been 'cuddly' either with me or with anyone else.

That doesn’t sound like cajoling as such - more like normal explaining. Even my 10 year old will say “can I have a biscuit” and I’ll say “not now because it’s quite close to dinner but afterwards is fine”. But if they then said “oh pleeeeeeease, I really want one, please can I have one now I promise I’ll eat my dinner” (not that they have ever done this!) I would just say “asked and answered sweetheart now go and do X”
Cajoling to me would be me going “oh sweetheart, please don’t ask me, it makes me so sad when you don’t accept my answer, please darling, I’m sure you can cope without a biscuit, will you be ok? Are you feeling sad?” etc
I have a friend who, I swear to god, spent about 20 minutes once pleading with her 3 year old to get in the goddam car seat when we were going out. She was literally promising her a treat, saying she’d sit in the back with her, it was honestly embarrassing. That to me is cajoling and also being the biggest bloody wet blanket.

I know a few kids, all my DD's contemporaries, aged 6, who have parents like this.
They just do what they like and their parents think it's normal and say oh well they're only little. One girl tells her parents to shut up, one boy was throwing stuff at his parents while they're driving and so on. They generally aren't very nice to be around. It doesn't bode well for when they're older.

Depends what you mean by run feral.

Explore, play, be silly and have some independence yes. Not learning to be able to sit nicely and enjoy things like meals out, not understanding that they need to stay near you when in dangerous situations, throwing a strop when they don't get their own way, no. If you don't care about any of the latter it will make life harder for you at some point.

My kids were spirited toddlers, but there was balance. They are great kids.

Cajoling is when you spend 10 minutes pleading with your little pumpkin to come down the slide whilst all the other children queue, or (and I'm not kidding on this one) you think your child's right to tantrum on the zebra crossing outweighs the right of everyone's to go about their day. It's that sort of gentle parenting I really dislike, the sort that your child's feelings and "learning moments" are so much more important than everyone else's.

Not that a gentle parents are like that but you do see a fair bit of it.

It’s a PITA when kids do that but equally without getting on the slide yourself (not always possible) I’m not really sure how best those sort of situations are managed. I’m not saying that to be difficult, either.

Like PP I think it depends what you mean really. If my child wants to splash around in a puddle when all the others are playing on the swings, or wear pants on their head at home, or go to nursery in a tutu, or collect rocks all morning - fine by me. If it doesn't disturb anyone else it's fair game. But when I say "No" or "Time to go now" or whatever I expect an immediate response. I value compliance highly because I think their school lives will be a lot easier for it.

I have a primary age child and toddler twins. Obviously harder with the latter but they fully understand and obey "Stop", "Hands on the pram", "Eating lunch / dinner nicely", "X's turn now", "tidy up" and so on. Lots of time to explore and be silly but also an understanding of when mum or dad is being serious.

I have friends and acquaintances who parent their kids permissively and it doesn't seem fun for either the kid or the parents. Bad behaviour, stress, wheedling, threats and kids who are really not liked by their peers ime.

So if the child won't get in buggy and you need to be somewhere at a particular time what then?

Mine were “feral” insofar as they could run/ play/ get muddy/ explore/ toddle rather than be restrained in a buggy. But had boundaries- no climbing on furniture, sit at the table to eat (unless eating picnic/ in the garden/ in the car), bedtimes etc.
Theyre genuinely lovely and confident , and no problem in school bar one detention for no homework

I’m considered a gentle parent. However it doesn’t mean I don’t tell my children off or they don’t have consequences. It, for me, is not shouting or screaming. No naughty step. No smacking and no putting my kids down. I wouldn’t say I was relaxed in my parenting though….I can be quite tough but I just don’t punish with tough means

i think that’s where your problem might lie…..because if my children do something wrong I do tell them that it’s not appropriate or whatever.

I think you might find that as he grows older if he’s had no consequences then that becomes an issue. I have a friend whose son cries and screams and kicks when he doesn’t get his own way….he can go for hours. Why? Because he knows that she will always be relaxed and change her mind so his outburst got longer and longer. He started as a bit of a hurricane that did what he wanted and she is relaxed to….he can read it though and can cry and cry

i wouldn’t of allowed my kids to just wreck havoc though because they were toddlers…

I think the “stuck at top of the slide” example is really tricky as I know more than one child who has hurt themselves on a slide but is desperate to go on it so they get to the top and they’re too scared to go down it. I wouldn’t want to force a child to do something if it was genuine fear that was preventing them from doing it (though maybe if I knew my child had a slide problem I’d make sure they didn’t go up there unless they were sure they’d be brave enough to go down!).

So you say he doesn’t mind it when children take things off him yet you won’t take a toy off him because you don’t want to snatch it off him and cause a tantrum?

so if he doesn’t mind it when children do that can you not explain it? What if you’re in a shop and he picked up a China teapot for example? What would you do then? Or if he picks up a knife for example? (Not saying he will but I’m wondering what happens if the shop staff didn’t allow him to pick it up?) that kind of thing

At some point your dc has to learn to do things that others want or need him to do that he doesn't want to do.
He may already do this, does he have a regular bedtime or nap time? This will get him into the way of following a structure he doesn't always want to follow.
When he is a bit older he will need to learn to share, even when he doesn't want to.
No one can go through life only doing what they want when they want.
As his parent you need to support him in this learning.

I had to cover down the school today and my ears are still ringing. You can 100% tell who has been parented and who have been allowed to run rings around their parents. Why should schools be left to fix problems because parents are too scared to say no?!

The slide I'm thinking of is a toddler one - you can literally reach up and lift them off. And you still find parents pleading with little Henry rather than doing just that. Because Henry's feelings are important. So much more important than all the other children combined.

This x 1000. Kids who have been permissively parented are a pain in the arse at school. They don't understand 'no'.

I think very troubled children are a different category though and they often have (diagnosed or otherwise) additional needs and / or very difficult backgrounds.

I certainly don’t routinely look around the school playground and identify who was forced into a pushchair aged two and who wasn’t.

There are also the little pumpkins whose parents watch and smile indulgently as they climb up the slide when a queue of other children are waiting to come down it. There is a particular place in Hell reserved for the parents of those particular little pumpkins.

Depends what you mean by letting him do his own thing. I did with mine in a way, my eldest loved screaming as a toddler and running around a lot. I let him as long as it was safe. I did have consistent routine in place with bedtime and we did have some quiet time. I wouldn't have let unkindness slide, that happened very rarely anyway, I preferred to model and praise positive behavior and use role play and stories to support positive behaviour. Eldest are 14 and 12 now and doing amazing. Never had any calls from school or other parents about behaviour, behaviour at home great and they are very open with me and lovely young people.

Gentle parenting is lovely and positive, but make sure you have boundaries. For example, as he gets older, throwing and hitting should be a hard no. Also make sure he’s able to listen to other adults otherwise school will be very difficult for him.
Speaking as a parent and teacher, there’s nothing wrong with accepting his emotions and following his lead, but make sure he can also follow yours. If he needs to hold your hand for crossing the road, this is a non negotiable. If it’s time to put shoes on and leave the house for nursery, then it needs to be done.
i often find parents struggle to draw the line. Certain behaviours do need to have consequences as they are unsafe or inappropriate. You can be a gentle parent and still be firm when necessary, don’t be afraid to say no. Pick your battles and it’ll all be easier for your and your child too :)

I think you came here to see if you need a reality check, and you do. Your toddler isn't "well behaved" at all - because he is NEVER opposed apart from when danger is concerned. But he's refusing to do basic things like get in the buggy, and there are other things he refuses to do, like sitting still for five or ten minutes (ie in a restaurant - I assume you've at least attempted McDonald's or a cafe, explaining that we sit in our chair to eat our lunch, we use our indoor voices, we don't walk around while eating, and stay put until at least had a few bites of the food etc). How do you think he'll go at nursery when nobody has ever insisted that he sit quietly and can have his run-around-play-time later? He'll either be heartbroken at getting into trouble, or defiant and cause problems disrupting the group.

You also can't claim he's well behaved when you have NEVER said no to him on the random toy he picked up in the shop! Try saying your gentle "no" and see if you get resistance. I bet you get a whole load of it. This isn't abnormal in a small kid of course, and he won't fully understand why it isn't his, but it's time he learned that he can't have everything he wants. Do you, the mum, just help yourself to the Mercedes you like in the car park? No, you don't. Because we can't have everything we want. But you, right now, are letting him decide what he wants, without regard to you or to anyone else at all.

There is plenty of space in child-rearing to allow a kid to express themselves and find their way in the world, without having them rule you. I would encourage you that when you go to the park, be loud and boisterous with him, shouting about running about free, jump onto that, give that a try, can he climb this on his own, etc. Give him the space to "be wild" and help him understand there are appropriate places to be noisy and there are appropriate places to settle down. And start with the "we're inside now so this is a place to calm down and keep our shoes off the sofa" type chat.

I was never strict with dds as toddlers but they’re naturally pretty quiet and well behaved now they’re older. They seemed wild as toddlers but compared to other kids they weren’t too bad. Toddlers are all a bit feral - they do need boundaries but I think strict discipline is too much