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Original poster

Why do consultants ask about marriage?

169 replies

2023shady · 18/10/2023 21:21

Might be a stupid question
Went to see a consultant at the hospital
Usual questions all fine, medical history, do I smoke, smear tests up to date etc etc
Then he asked if I was married. Said no
Next question do I have a partner or am I single

I asked if it affected my medical treatment and he said oh.. no. So I refused to answer
Not in a PITA way but.. do men get asked that? Confused

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 18/10/2023 23:20

Helenloveslee4eva · 18/10/2023 21:24

Yes my partner is a medical negligence lawyer ….

😁

I’d imagine it’s for next of kin and to know if you have someone at home to keep an eye on you post procedures. And also to build a general social picture.

Blinky21 · 18/10/2023 23:20

Assumed its to confirm if you have a support system, I've also been asked if my work colleagues are supportive

Original poster
2023shady · 18/10/2023 23:22

Hijohn · 18/10/2023 22:57

It’s nothing to do with you it’s a social history to build up a picture of your history in general. You sound a bit self obsessed to think the consultant has nothing better to do than ask if you’re married etc

Not self obsessed, I just didn't want to answer my marital status

If they need to know about support then I can answer, or sexually active or pain during sex then all fine

OP posts:

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Original poster
2023shady · 18/10/2023 23:26

Anyway I've given my next of kin, will wait for the appointment and then I'll know more about post op
won't need any care as such it's just someone to check me after the anaesthetic so could be an overnight - don't know how long they usually keep you in after a laparoscopy

OP posts:
Tryingandfailingagain · 18/10/2023 23:28

It’s just checking/noting your social history.

Nothing sexist or untoward in the slightest. Nurses also ask men when they’re in our unit receiving treatment- are they also being sexist? Cracking on to their patients?!

If you are seeing a consultant I assume you are being treated in a hospital setting. In my experience, GP’s don’t ask the same questions, as they already have your background on file. Hospital units do not.

Daffodilwoman · 18/10/2023 23:32

Well the doctor should ask a specific question.
What the hell can they ascertain from this Woolley nonsense,
I was asked ‘Who do you have at home who is able to carry out X procedure?’ Far more concise than asking ‘Are you married?’
The op might be married but her husband/wife might not live with her. They might be away for the next month.
She might answer no. What does that prove? Absolutely nothing.

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 18/10/2023 23:39

RosesAndHellebores · 18/10/2023 23:10

Reminds me of my booking in appointment nearly 30 years ago. The right on midwife asked if I had a partner. I said "no". She then adopted her "understanding" face and asked about my home, support and whether I knew how hard it would be to be a single parent. She was most offended when I said that wouldn't be an issue because I had a husband. One would have hoped the title Mrs and the wedding ring might have been clues.

Medics need to learn to.provide context for their questions - you know because the patients are largely sentient other humans.

Surely most people would have said "I have a husband" after being asked if you have a partner?

Gottaworkwhatever · 18/10/2023 23:45

It doesn’t really matter what we ask or how we ask it, someone won’t like it or will take offence. from one very disillusioned doc.

GirlOfTudor · 18/10/2023 23:47

To build up a picture of your life that can't be found on your medical records, to find out what emotional and physical support you have at home, for any potential safeguarding concerns, for any contagious diseases you might get and pass onto a husband, to consider what impact your appointment issue could have on your family...
It sounds like you were annoyed at being asked because of your view of society's expectations of women and not because you thought it was irrelevant to your care.
The doctor probably didn't ask any more questions because A it was the end of his list, or B because you clearly voiced your objections & he didn't want to probe any further.

Namechangedforspooky · 18/10/2023 23:55

I’m trying to think if I ever ask my patients this question and I don’t think I do. It’s pretty archaic

i ask to check next of kin and I may ask who you live with depending on what you’ve come in with (if it’s likely you’ll need physical support or if it’s mental health related as a general risk assessment for sending you home). The only situation I might ask it is if I suspected abuse, either dv or child related but even then I’d probably just ask who has parental responsibility…

GeorgeBeckett · 19/10/2023 00:07

Sometimes it is useful to know if married if there are likely to be legal issues down the line and a need for e.g. lasting power of attorney. And as discussed - way into discussing home support, general picture, sexual history, abuse etc. Although better questions might well be "are you sexually active?" "do you have a partner?" "Who's at home with you?" "Do you have concerns about fertility"

Perhaps the consultant might have got there if you hadn't shut them down. Or maybe they were doing half a job and being archaic.

"Prefer not to answer" was a bit unnecessary though. Potentially puts both your backs up
and makes it awkward.

GeorgeBeckett · 19/10/2023 00:10

Also you giving next of kin to a receptionist unfortunately doesn't mean the consultant necessarily has this at their fingertips but also it would be good practice to double check and find out a bit more.

TrishTrix · 19/10/2023 00:11

Sounds clumsily worded and when you got tetchy probably terminated the entire section of the consultation.

If you are likely to need surgery I suspect it will have been to do with post-op care. To have day case surgery most places need you to have another adult with you overnight.

It's a total pain if you are single (but necessary). I recently spent a very uncomfortable night on my friend's sofa after he had surgery being his responsible adult.

Britneyfan · 19/10/2023 00:14

@Gottaworkwhatever from one doctor to another I think that is very clear from just reading this thread 🤣 People who accuse us of pussyfooting around or having a problem asking direct questions probably haven’t experienced someone bursting into floods of tears when you ask them if they are planning/would like children for example because they’ve just had a miscarriage after trying desperately to get pregnant for years. And the patient after them then hurling abuse at you because you’ve run late because that person was crying…

Some people are totally happy to answer whatever, some questions are super sensitive for certain people, some people are annoyed you’ve even asked, some people will even tell you they don’t have a partner when they are actually married 🙄 (we started asking this instead of are you married as people who weren’t married took offence that their life partner wasn’t considered significant). Honestly I have a patient who did this to me once and I was SO PISSED OFF with her for deliberately misleading me during a busy clinic on a matter of semantics. It was literally years ago and I still remember it because it was such insufferable behaviour.

Whatever you ask or don’t ask some people will take offence or complain. You literally can’t please everyone. Dictating the letter in front of a patient is supposed to be good practice for exactly this reason, that the patient can correct you on anything you’ve got wrong at the time and also that they can see you’ve sorted the letter immediately. But then it gets seen as rude.

OP I very much suspect they were building up to asking about fertility matters but you scared them off with your reaction and objection to what is for most people a fairly innocuous line of questioning.

Silkiefloof · 19/10/2023 00:15

I think it's to tell if you have support at home

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/10/2023 00:20

RosesAndHellebores · 18/10/2023 23:18

@VanGoghsDog I gave the correct answer. I didn't have a partner, I had and still have a husband. That's why my title was Mrs. It isn't rocket science.

They’ve no idea prior to asking if you’re in a heterosexual or gay relationship and don’t want to make assumptions, so say “partner” to cover all bases. They assume most people won’t try to be deliberately obtuse and will state which.

I had a female consultant for my ovarian cancer procedure and she also asked whether I was in a relationship, were we married, whether I was employed, what I did for work, did I live locally, and a heap of other questions not about ovaries. DH had a male consultant for his herniated disc and was asked very similar questions. It doesn’t appear to be sex based.

ActDottie · 19/10/2023 00:22

Anawi · 18/10/2023 21:24

Maybe as an in to provide a chance to discuss any potential domestic abuse situations? 🤔 Or potential for support at home depending on medical condition or impact of future treatment. Those reasons came immediately to mind.

This. I think it’s standard practice for doctors to ask about domestic abuse etc. apparently on average someone is asked 7 times before they confide in someone.

I’ve been in hospital a lot and always asked this.

Currently pregnant and they ask it at every midwife appointment.

WearyAuldWumman · 19/10/2023 00:27

I'm widowed, so the next question is always whether I live with someone. They're checking whether I have someone to stay with me overnight, if needed.

TrishTrix · 19/10/2023 00:30

@ComtesseDeSpair hard agree.

I've had older adults kick off at me for asking if they had a partner because they perceived it to be a lesser thing than their precious heterosexual husband.

However, I've cared for older gay & lesbian couples and learnt the hard way never to assume anything about sexuality and domestic set up.

Language really matters in this situation. Some of the people I'm thinking of experienced homosexuality being illegal and the consequences of that. Thus making it clear that their life partner was welcome on the ward and in discussions about their care and would be treated sensitively by staff was really important.

This was one of the early aims of the NHS Rainbow Badge scheme - to signal that "coming out" in a healthcare context wasn't going to be an issue.

LameBorzoi · 19/10/2023 00:30

OP, you are being THAT patient. As PP have noted, there is no universally good way to segue into a social history, and that part of the history was likely abandoned due to your behaviour. It helps if you work with your health professionals, instead of against them.

Shelby2010 · 19/10/2023 00:33

It’s the NHS. The questionnaires will have been written 30 years ago. Since that time questions will have been added, but none will have been taken off. Just in case.

porridgeisbae · 19/10/2023 00:35

@2023shady Hi OP are you having an endometrial ablation? I don't have endo but my periods became annoyingly heavy. I went in for a polyp removal but they offered me a uterine ablation.

I don't have periods anymore and it's fab😃

Original poster
2023shady · 19/10/2023 00:39

LameBorzoi · 19/10/2023 00:30

OP, you are being THAT patient. As PP have noted, there is no universally good way to segue into a social history, and that part of the history was likely abandoned due to your behaviour. It helps if you work with your health professionals, instead of against them.

There was no behaviour, honestly
He asked, I said does it affect my treatment, he said no, I said I would prefer not to answer
I won't be seeing him again or treated at that hospital anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
2023shady · 19/10/2023 00:40

porridgeisbae · 19/10/2023 00:35

@2023shady Hi OP are you having an endometrial ablation? I don't have endo but my periods became annoyingly heavy. I went in for a polyp removal but they offered me a uterine ablation.

I don't have periods anymore and it's fab😃

They've said it's a specialist clinic and likely to be an MRI and some other stuff then a laparoscopy and probably endo removal while they're doing it but because bladder and bowel appear involved it can only be done at 2 hospitals (1 is 2 miles away with a long wait, other is 30 miles away with a less long wait)

OP posts:
Original poster
2023shady · 19/10/2023 00:45

Gottaworkwhatever · 18/10/2023 23:45

It doesn’t really matter what we ask or how we ask it, someone won’t like it or will take offence. from one very disillusioned doc.

Edited

I promise I was polite and not offended as such, more.. why
Like when someone wants to know is it Mrs or Miss and you say Ms
If it was are you sexually active, do you want children, do you have children, you might need an operation so do you gave support at home, bring someone with you at your next appointment to discuss things, any of that then it made sense

OP posts: