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Original poster

My husband died 3wks ago today

105 replies

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 14/10/2023 12:53

Just that really. My husband died three weeks ago today and I feel totally and completely lost and bereft. I'm early 40s, and until the end of July my DH was a fit, healthy, vigorous man. He was mine and my four children's guide, support, strength and we adored him so very much.

He had a sudden onset of cardiac illness, but after a couple of scares and clinical interventions, he seemed to be on the mend. Then suddenly, late September he became critically unwell; he went back into hospital, and then had a cardiac arrest, from which he was revived, but he very quickly had another cardiac arrest and had to be sedated and intubated, and placed on ECMO. He was in ICU for four days, at that point, they/I still had hope for recovery, but then he had a massive deterioration, and they/I had no choice but to withdraw support. His liver, kidneys, bowels and lungs failed, and he had a massive stroke and couldn't be saved.

A part of me died when he did. We have no family support. I have huge support from my work family (I work in healthcare with the people who fought so very hard to save him), and I do have a couple of good friends but I just feel so very alone.

I've managed to stay strong for my kids, because I'm all they have now, and for the most part, I've held it together, but inside I'm dying. All I want is to talk to him one more time. To change the last words I said to him. To tell him how much I miss him, how much I loved him, to ask him how the fuck I'm going to go on without him.

What happens now? What do I do? How will I ever stop feeling like I'm only half a person? We have been together for 23 years and he is literally the only person who I have ever been able to trust with the deepest darkest parts of myself. The person who I could literally say anything to, no matter how fucking out there and know that he would just listen, accept and not judge. He was also the only other person who my kids could trust and depend on 100%. What do they do, when they only have me, who can't do and say all the things dad could?

What happens if I just feel this alone and broken forever? I don't even know what, if anything I want, or am expecting from this post. I just feel so lost. Thank you for listening if you've got this far.

OP posts:
Canyousewcushions · 14/10/2023 12:58

I don't have much by way of practical advice but just wanted to send a virtual hug and say it's fine to feel anything and everything that you are feeling at the minute.

Original poster
WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 14/10/2023 13:03

Canyousewcushions · 14/10/2023 12:58

I don't have much by way of practical advice but just wanted to send a virtual hug and say it's fine to feel anything and everything that you are feeling at the minute.

Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply. I guess I deep down know my feelings are valid, I just have no idea what to do next x

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 14/10/2023 13:06

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know what to say.

TheNinthLock · 14/10/2023 13:08

I am so so sorry for your loss. I have no words. I wish I could say something to make it better but truth is nothing will make this better. It is shit. Sending you a virtual hug xx

Sleepychicken · 14/10/2023 13:09

I’m so sorry for your loss, I’m sending you a virtual hug and hand hold 💐

trickortrickier · 14/10/2023 13:09

I can feel your pain and confusion with every word that you write. I am so very very sorry for you and your children. No platitudes will help it is fucking hideous. I can listen though if it helps in any way at all.

FuckingHellAdele · 14/10/2023 13:09

I'm so sorry.

One breath, one step, one day at a time.

QOD · 14/10/2023 13:09

I am so sorry, it's so unfair - contact WAY - widowed and young - via facebook or online as there are sadly lots of people who can help you

hugs

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 14/10/2023 13:10

I’m so sorry.

Chasingsquirrels · 14/10/2023 13:11

It's absolutely awful for you and at this moment unfortunately nothing is going to take the pain away.

At this point you just keep going, minute by hour by day.
Doing the best that you can in each moment for yourself and your children.
Taking the help that you can.
It's a cliche, but true, that time is a great healer.We don't forget, but our lives continue and other things start to engage us, and full spaces.It might not be for you, but I found WAY (Widowed And Young) to be helpful, to be able to connect with others in my circumstances.I wish you the very best.

decionsdecisions62 · 14/10/2023 13:11

I'm so sorry. That must have been so traumatic for you. I haven't lost a partner but did lose my brother very suddenly and traumatically. You will slowly rebuild but it takes time and even then some days it's so hard. Take care.

theduchessofspork · 14/10/2023 13:12

Oh OP I am so sorry.

He absolutely knew you loved him, and the two of you clearly built a great life. You did him proud.

It’s so so raw right now, you are still in the first roar of grief. It absolutely won’t feel like this for ever - it’s not that you ‘get over’ a partner dying, but you learn to live alongside it, and - impossible though it may be to believe right now - you will experience joy again.

Do you have counselling support? If you don’t, I would make that a priority, it’s really important to be able to grieve freely in these early stages in order not to get stuck. And you simply need the emotional support. I’m assuming your kids are being supported via one of the children’s bereavement charities, but if not they are really good.

It’s also worth doing some reading around grief. Your love and loss of him is unique to you two, but it is a universal experience, and I think it can help to know that, and understand how the process works. It’s usually about two years before it stops dominating the landscape. This is not to say you are going to feel as bad as you do now for two years - you are in the intense first six months right now. It is not a smooth process of course, it’s very up and down which is why getting the right support is so vital.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/10/2023 13:12

I’m so so very sorry. He sounds like a truly wonderful man, husband and father 💐💐💐

Worddance · 14/10/2023 13:13

I'm so sorry. Would you like to tell us about your husband? He sounds like a remarkable man.

PennyPinkPineapple · 14/10/2023 13:14

I don't know what to say. I'm just so so sorry x

Fulshaw · 14/10/2023 13:16

I’m really sorry this happened to your family. I don’t think you need to know what to do next. I don’t think you need to think about next 2 months, 2 years or 20 years.

I think you need to get out of bed every morning and get through the first hour. Then the next. Then the next.

And eventually, gradually, and with many setbacks, you will start to live with your pain and be able to do more than just exist. You have the love of your beautiful children and the memory of the love of your husband to help you do that.

LakeTiticaca · 14/10/2023 13:20

Just sending a little hug to you and your DCs xxx

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 14/10/2023 13:22

You put one foot in front of the other. One step at a time. Don't think about the future, the future will take care of itself. The pain will never go but in time things will get better and you will get stronger. I'm sorry for your loss. X

MrsMarzetti · 14/10/2023 13:23

I am so sorry for your sudden loss, my heart goes out to you and your children. It is very early days and you will still be in shock. Grief takes many long paths. Although you can't hold his hand when you talk to him, you can still tell him how much you love and miss him, i am sure he knew he was loved. It is ok not to be strong all the time, be gentle with yourself. You will find a way to cope but it will take time. Remember grief is healthy, you need to release those emotions. Flowers

TicTac80 · 14/10/2023 13:24

A dear friend of mine is now ten years on from losing her wonderful husband (also a friend). He died very suddenly too, in his mid 30's, from cancer (he didn't even know he had it until he was brought into hospital. He was a fit healthy man). She was in shock, and so utterly lost. It was heartbreaking.

There were no words that any of us as friends could say or conjure up to somehow make things better. It is/was shit and so unfair. She got in touch with WAY and said that they were a wonderful help. As friends, we were there for her in whatever way she needed us to be: whether that was going for a walk with her to get her out of the house, helping her with practical things, just being there for her, listening to her, anything she wanted us to do. She also got bereavement counselling.

She said that you don't ever "just get over it"..but as time goes on, you learn to carry on living. And she does that.

I don't know you and I don't know your kids, but my heart goes out to you all. If you need to talk things through, I'll listen x

Original poster
WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 14/10/2023 13:24

Thank you all so much. I hadn't heard of WAY, but I'm going to look at it now.

I really do feel like I'm just existing minute by minute, hour by hour. On the surface I'm coping wonderfully. I've kept life "normal" for the kids - we are eating and sleeping at the right times, they've gone to school and work, I've done "fun" things with them, and I've gone back to work. But inside I'm breaking, little by little, every hour.

I'm in the unique position that I deal with death and trauma, and suffering families every single day in my professional life, I also have extensive clinical knowledge, all of which should make me more equipped for this. And to an extent I am. I know what I should be feeling and experiencing and doing. But this feels unbearable, and unbelievable, and not real. And SO FUCKING UNFAIR.

I know I just need to ride it, but right now the ride feels unending and confusing and like it might never end.

OP posts:
Tiredeyes84 · 14/10/2023 13:25

I am so deeply sorry for your loss and I feel heartbroken for you and your children. Sending you a big hug xxx

StarlightLime · 14/10/2023 13:30

So sorry, op Flowers

PinkyDinkyDoodle · 14/10/2023 13:32

I’m so sorry for your loss. 💐 Hugs from over here.

Cowlover89 · 14/10/2023 13:32

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs x