My husband died 3wks ago today

[WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat]

Just that really. My husband died three weeks ago today and I feel totally and completely lost and bereft. I'm early 40s, and until the end of July my DH was a fit, healthy, vigorous man. He was mine and my four children's guide, support, strength and we adored him so very much.

He had a sudden onset of cardiac illness, but after a couple of scares and clinical interventions, he seemed to be on the mend. Then suddenly, late September he became critically unwell; he went back into hospital, and then had a cardiac arrest, from which he was revived, but he very quickly had another cardiac arrest and had to be sedated and intubated, and placed on ECMO. He was in ICU for four days, at that point, they/I still had hope for recovery, but then he had a massive deterioration, and they/I had no choice but to withdraw support. His liver, kidneys, bowels and lungs failed, and he had a massive stroke and couldn't be saved.

A part of me died when he did. We have no family support. I have huge support from my work family (I work in healthcare with the people who fought so very hard to save him), and I do have a couple of good friends but I just feel so very alone.

I've managed to stay strong for my kids, because I'm all they have now, and for the most part, I've held it together, but inside I'm dying. All I want is to talk to him one more time. To change the last words I said to him. To tell him how much I miss him, how much I loved him, to ask him how the fuck I'm going to go on without him.

What happens now? What do I do? How will I ever stop feeling like I'm only half a person? We have been together for 23 years and he is literally the only person who I have ever been able to trust with the deepest darkest parts of myself. The person who I could literally say anything to, no matter how fucking out there and know that he would just listen, accept and not judge. He was also the only other person who my kids could trust and depend on 100%. What do they do, when they only have me, who can't do and say all the things dad could?

What happens if I just feel this alone and broken forever? I don't even know what, if anything I want, or am expecting from this post. I just feel so lost. Thank you for listening if you've got this far.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience at 32 and I cannot recommend WAY (Widowed and Young) enough, even just the Facebook groups or forums until you feel like attending an in-person event.

Although friends and family can be wonderfully supportive, each loss is such an individual experience. Counselling - once you feel ready - will help you to move forward.

Firstly my sincere condolences.
For some reason death is always a shock, even when expected, but more so when unexpected.
In December it will be the 20th anniversary of my husband's death (suicide). It does get easier over time, but time is the key. You can be caught, unawares, at any moment.
However, the "trick" is to own the moment, own the feeling of sadness, anger, despair or even joy (and these do come).
Try to keep on an even keel as far as daily life is concerned. Stick to a routine (important for the children). Talk, especially to your children. Acknowledge the sadness and any uncertainties. Ask "what would Daddy have done or said".
Do not rush anything!
Take care of yourself.

I am so sorry for your loss, your husband sounds like an amazing partner, you write about him beautifully.

I’m so sorry OP. There isn’t really anything anyone can say that’s going to make you feel better at a time like this.
I lost both my parents suddenly (one when I was a teenager and the other in my 20s) which was devastating but I can’t imagine how it would feel to lose my DH. We’ve been together half the time you were with yours and the way you talk about your relationship reminds me a lot of the way we are and the thought is unimaginable.

Sending you a virtual hug

I'm so sorry for your loss OP 💐 sending virtual hugs.
I was in your shoes a couple of years ago and there are no shortcuts, it takes time. Firstly to come to terms with this and accept it and then to try and work through it all and make sense of it.
Maybe your GP surgery will have contact details of local widow's groups that you could join. Don't be tempted to rush into counselling straight away as it's probably too soon to be of help, but talking it through with others that have been through this would maybe help initially.
Take care of yourself 🌺

I’m so sorry for your loss.

My partner died 4 months ago. You just have to keep getting up and being a mum. Your children will give you strength. Don't put pressure on yourself, talk to people. Talk about your husband, remember the times you shared. Cuddle your children. Be kind to yourself. And when the day comes that you find the joy in something, don't feel guilty. He would want you all to be happy and one day you will be.

You're on a journey at the moment to find your new normal, it's hard. I still can't accept this is my life now. I don't want this version of my life. But I have no choice. We have to carry on.

Take care x

I lost my husband suddenly when he was 51 due to massive heart attack. Our kids were 4 and 6.
You will carry on because you have to. I found getting the funeral organised kept me occupied for the first few days. Then I went away for a week as it was half term, bringing a friend too.
It was terrible, lonely, awful awful time. You have my sympathies.

Oh Op I’m so sorry for your loss. How unfathomably cruel life can be sometimes.

would you like to talk about your husband? Xx

@WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat I am so very sorry for your loss.

It is beyond painful, it is unfair, it is catastrophic and it is a situation neither he, you, your children, your wider family, friends and colleagues had ever envisaged or imagined. Your world has changed so much, so quickly.

It will continue to change. And, as others have said, take one day at a time.

There will be better days ahead. There truly will.

But during these dark days, when it is so recent and so raw, it is very difficult to see how that will be.

Little steps. Small kindnesses to yourself. Knowing about grief professionally doesn’t make experiencing it personally any easier but allowing yourself to feel all the feelings, without judging them, is very healthy. Grief counselling can be a brilliant way to support you to work through feelings along the way, at different phases and stages.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. It sounds like the two of you were a fantastic team. That special strength the two of shared together will already have left a lasting impression on your children and you will know how to sustain that priceless groundwork you laid together. Instinctively, you will. And that connection will never be broken.

Wishing you the very best. Take care of yourself.

Another vote for Widowed and Young

Also, it's really early days. I promise it won't be so raw / quite so awful in future. The grief doesn't disappear, but you do find a way to live with it

Xx

OP I'm so sorry you have lost your partner and soul mate. It happened to my sister. Her DH was 41 healthy fit, rode his bike a lot, didn't drink except for the odd half a pint, never smoked, and still played football every week and did training for it. He went to work one morning on his bike, arrived first before anyone else on site, had a massive heart attack, and when the next person arrived only about 10 minutes later he was already dead. They tried to revive him in the ambulance but could not do so. He was dead on arrival. He was not a person who was ever really ill before. My sister was 40 with 3 DC and the youngest 7. My sister was in shock. She couldn't eat because nothing would stay down and she kept throwing up. She said she wasn't hungry. It took about 7 or 8 weeks for her to be able to keep food down. She lost almost 2 stone in weight. It took her a very long time to be able to get through each day alone. My Dad used to go down to her house 3 or 4 times a week and take casseroles or Shepherds Pies my Mum made for her family. Dad used to take my nephew to his football club because my sister couldn't face it. Me or my other sister would go over the weekend to her house, do some chores for her, so she wasn't alone. She needed a lot of support for 6 months but by about a year she was managing a bit better. Can I suggest you let your friends support you and your DC. Buy premade meals if you don't feel up to cooking from scratch. Order a takeaway or just throw pizzas in the oven sometimes if you have a really bad day. Don't expect the pain you feel to go quickly because it won't. If you don't sleep ask your GP for a week worth of mild sleeping pills to help you get your body back into the routine of sleeping again. Ask someone to help you go through his things. Don't try to do it alone it is too hard. In 6 months maybe put together a photo album of photos of your DH, you and your DC. If you need time off from work, take it.

He sounds wonderful OP. What a lovely relationship you had ❤️
I'm so very sorry for your loss. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It DOES get easier with time. Obviously you will miss him forever but the ache improves and you think more of your wonderful memories. Sending you all my love.

He sounds truly wonderful and your words have brought me to tears. Life can be so very cruel and I have no advice. It won't feel like this forever but that will be of little comfort.
Be kind to yourself.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Take each day at a time and don’t think about the future too much. You will heal, with time, and so will your children. But for now, focus on the here and now. I’m so sorry 💐

I'm so so sorry for your devastating loss. There are no words I can say. Sending you a huge virtual hug x

I love the description of your husband; he sounds absolutely unique and amazing. So so sorry for your horrendous loss. Sending love to you and your family.

What a lovely man. I am so sorry for your loss. 💐

I’m so very sorry for your loss Op.
I haven’t been in your particular situation, but I’ve had a very close family member bereavement. 2 years in now. I was effectively numb for about 18 months (I realise now). Partly shock and partly, I think, my body / minds way of just being able to cope and function).
It’s really tough. And up and down, as other people have said, it is a journey. A long one. But it’s not all bad. You remember the good and happy times.
Thinking of you and your children 💐

I'm so sorry. I lost my husband 11 months ago, we were both in our 30s. He had been diagnosed with stage IV cancer nearly three years prior but although his death was expected, it was still horrific and traumatic.

I can't remember much of the first few weeks or months, to be honest. I joined WAY but don't really get much out of it but my local area group is very quiet. I really recommend, when you're up to it, Nora McInerny's books and podcast.

Take it minute by minute if you have to. Keep eating and drinking and sleeping. Almost everything else can wait. Let people help, if you can.

I'm so sorry OP. That sounds so traumatic. I was 'fortunate' that my DH's death a few years ago was neither sudden nor traumatic, and I and my DDs were granted time to start to come to terms with losing him before it happened. I feel very much for people whose experience is like yours.

Keeping things together for my kids helped me, in some ways. There are decisions I made while in that emotional brain fog that I wish I hadn't, but I'm learning to forgive myself for that. A week after his funeral my girls and I had a last minute caravan holiday on the coast, and, while on a boat ride, I watched them enjoying it and laughing with each other, and knew that we'd be okay. That we'd cope and we could still be happy. And we are. And one day you will be too.

I’m so sorry for your massive loss, he sounds like a wonderful husband and father. Your strength is incredible, keep going one day at a time.

I'm so sorry for your loss. To the outside world I have moved on. But internally I miss the man I married every single day and it's been years. It's like a wound that's because a scar I live alongside. Taking it day by day is all you can do. Don't hold anything in for anyone else's sake. It's OK to be broken. Share your pain.

I can't advise either but just wanted to send a hug too. Xx

What a terrible time for you.

being in a job where you deal with terrible things and trauma and having to keep it all in and deal with families sounds exhausting at any time and perhaps not suitable for someone grieving in your circumstances, and with your caring responsibilities.

you’re obviously highly trained and in a field with processes around this sort of thing (?) but I hear torn loyalty and pressure in your posts around work.
sounds like you’re holding too much space for others.
How would not going to work for the next month feel?

I don’t know your personal financial circumstances but it sounds from your post like work is taking too much of you . Keeping up a front in a hugely demanding job takes a massive toll. Is it time, for now, to stop giving unless it’s to you or your kids?

I am so sorry OP. I have no real advice but I am sending you much love and support. Your DH sounds like an absolutely wonderful man. Day by day is the only way to go. Please look at possibly a grief therapist for someone to talk to properly. xx