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Original poster

My husband died 3wks ago today

105 replies

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 14/10/2023 12:53

Just that really. My husband died three weeks ago today and I feel totally and completely lost and bereft. I'm early 40s, and until the end of July my DH was a fit, healthy, vigorous man. He was mine and my four children's guide, support, strength and we adored him so very much.

He had a sudden onset of cardiac illness, but after a couple of scares and clinical interventions, he seemed to be on the mend. Then suddenly, late September he became critically unwell; he went back into hospital, and then had a cardiac arrest, from which he was revived, but he very quickly had another cardiac arrest and had to be sedated and intubated, and placed on ECMO. He was in ICU for four days, at that point, they/I still had hope for recovery, but then he had a massive deterioration, and they/I had no choice but to withdraw support. His liver, kidneys, bowels and lungs failed, and he had a massive stroke and couldn't be saved.

A part of me died when he did. We have no family support. I have huge support from my work family (I work in healthcare with the people who fought so very hard to save him), and I do have a couple of good friends but I just feel so very alone.

I've managed to stay strong for my kids, because I'm all they have now, and for the most part, I've held it together, but inside I'm dying. All I want is to talk to him one more time. To change the last words I said to him. To tell him how much I miss him, how much I loved him, to ask him how the fuck I'm going to go on without him.

What happens now? What do I do? How will I ever stop feeling like I'm only half a person? We have been together for 23 years and he is literally the only person who I have ever been able to trust with the deepest darkest parts of myself. The person who I could literally say anything to, no matter how fucking out there and know that he would just listen, accept and not judge. He was also the only other person who my kids could trust and depend on 100%. What do they do, when they only have me, who can't do and say all the things dad could?

What happens if I just feel this alone and broken forever? I don't even know what, if anything I want, or am expecting from this post. I just feel so lost. Thank you for listening if you've got this far.

OP posts:
MrsMurphyIWish · 14/10/2023 13:35

Life is shit at times.

condolences can often come across as trite as there are no words that can cure pain.

one horrible, painful step at a time is how you will survive. And then it won’t be surviving anymore, it’ll be living.

Your children are lucky to have a mother determined to stay strong.

Username620 · 14/10/2023 13:36

@WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat
I’m so sorry. My partner of 20 years died quite suddenly in 2020 during Covid lockdown. I was mid 40s.
Diagnosed with cancer on the Wednesday, died on the Friday morning.
Adult DD was 21 and away when it happened.
It has been very hard. I too felt lost and broken. Family far away. Friends were good for a little while - but then they disappeared - especially other couples.
Unfortunately for me some betrayal came to light that I was unaware of until the hospital gave me his phone. I think my grief would have been different if that had not happened.
I started to date about 15 months after he died. I should have maybe waited longer as I hadn’t found myself yet.
I still haven’t found my routine yet. I did move house mainly because the previous one was too big alone and also because I wanted a fresh start with something that was only mine.
I do have some lovely memories with him and did a lot of things in my life that I wouldn’t have done had I not been with him.
Lots of hugs and be there for your children - that was a mistake I made - I was so consumed in my own grief that I didn’t think about my DD properly.
I also turned to alcohol to get through the loneliness, and became very ill myself and ended up in hospital with a heart attack.
It is a slow process but for me 3 years later it has got better. I miss the good things and the travelling.

TicTac80 · 14/10/2023 13:36

@WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat, I know what you mean re: being in a unique position as an HCP. Me too. But all our training will often fly out the window when it comes to dealing with our own family situations. Are you able to get some counselling through work? Or to speak to the Chaplaincy Team (our team are there for anyone and you don't have to follow a faith.

I don't think that are also any set "should be's". We don't have an instruction manual on what we should be doing or where we should be at. It can be so different as we are all so different. Have you got good friends about you? I know you said that your work family (I call them that too!) have been wonderful, and that you have a couple of good friends about. Don't be afraid to talk to them and keep talking. So many times, I'd drop things and be with my friend. Pretty much any time she needed me (ok, I was on mat leave, so that made things easier). x

Silkiebunny · 14/10/2023 13:37

I'm so very sorry.

I don't really know what to advise but I had cancer and I obviously considered what would happen if I die then. I would have wanted my husband to do whatever he needed to do to be happy again and if that's remarrying then fine with me. I would imagine your husband would have wanted similar for you, to hope that in time you would be able to enjoy life again. In the darkest days the best way I found to get through is simply day by day. The most helpful people are people who listen, ask how you are and don't judge. I found people in a similar situation with a similar outlook to me the most helpful so would have though the charities for young and bereavered would help.

All your feelings are very valid - sadness at what happened, anger can happen that you've been cheated of the life you should have had or if problems could have been caught earlier and just confusion at where to go next. I find swimming helpful, keeps me fit, helps my mental health and gives me time to think of ways forward. Though any exercise you enjoy can help a bit - like walking or some people like gardening. I don't know if it would help but maybe create in time a part of garden with a bench and flowers or whatever for him. Or some area of your house where there are some memories if that helps. But if it doesn't that's OK too. A holiday might also help, I would go somewhere different to before but its a personal thing.

Sorry rambling here and don't know if any of that is helpful but sending love and hugs to you all.

Honeylemonandginger · 14/10/2023 13:37

So sorry for your loss. You are an amazingly strong and loving mother. Please take time to grieve and look and after yourself too.💗

sunglassesonthetable · 14/10/2023 13:42

It IS SO fucking unfair. My heart goes out to you.

Bad things happen to good people. And it has happened to your lovely OH, your lovely kids and to you. I am so so sorry. It happened to me or I wouldn't be speaking to you so directly.

You do have a choice. Up or down. And I really really hope you can choose Up. I hope you have the strength and will to do that. My kids were my life line.

It is a blurr to me when I look back but I climbed the mountain. I hope you can. Keep walking. Take everything that is offered.

Someone said to me this first year is your special year. For all the shock and horror it is your year to just be with this grief, to just own it and be as close as you can with your person you have lost.

What do you do when you are walking through hell? You keep walking.

Sending you strength. Flowers

Original poster
WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 14/10/2023 13:45

@Worddance - thank you so much for asking.

He was a proud, loyal, cantankerous, caring, creative and unique human. He was a wonderfully talented musician. He had a singing voice that could evoke emotion from the most stoic person, and was a wizard on the drums.

He had a dark, clever, verging on inappropriate, sense of humour, but struggled to hear the sad and traumatic tales I came home from work with, especially if children were involved.

He would have given his last for me or the kids. He made us feel safe, always. He cleaned the dishwasher trap because he knew it made me wretch, and always dealt with it if one of the dogs vomited, because despite the fact that I patch up human disgustingness for a living, he knew I couldn't do dog stuff.

He was absolutely terrified of mice, and thunder and lightening, but would have fought a dragon, if one had threatened me or the kids.

OP posts:
zeibesaffron · 14/10/2023 13:45

I am so very sorry - your love for your husband is palpable through your words. I have no advice, but whatever you are doing will be right for you and the children. Sending you a virtual hug ❤️❤️

Browniegal13 · 14/10/2023 13:46

I’m so sorry to read this. I list my husband in my 30’s to cancer and was left with a 6 and 4 year old. I’m ten years in now and it really does change, but right now taking one step, one breath at a time is ok. I’m glad someone has pointed you to WAY. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat xxx sending love c

EnolaJ · 14/10/2023 13:49

I have no advice OP, but reading your words I couldn't not respond. You sound amazing, wonderful, strong and completely admirable. I wish nothing but comfort and love for you and your children 💛

RosieLeaLovesTea · 14/10/2023 13:51

I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you a massive hug and a hand hold. Life is so unfair. The only thing you can do is take baby steps, hour by hour. You will make it xx

return2sender · 14/10/2023 13:53

Oh, OP. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I used to work on a cardiac ITU and colleagues are a special bunch on there.

I have no words really, but just to send my condolences and love. X

shoeawsome · 14/10/2023 13:54

I am so sorry for your loss, he sounds lovely!

I lost my partner when I was 34, he was 39, massive heart attack, no warning, we had a house & had been together for 14 years.

My advice, take it one day at a time, don't think about a whole future without him, that is unbearable.
Try and access some bereavement counselling and take the support offered by friends & family!

Worddance · 14/10/2023 13:57

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 14/10/2023 13:45

@Worddance - thank you so much for asking.

He was a proud, loyal, cantankerous, caring, creative and unique human. He was a wonderfully talented musician. He had a singing voice that could evoke emotion from the most stoic person, and was a wizard on the drums.

He had a dark, clever, verging on inappropriate, sense of humour, but struggled to hear the sad and traumatic tales I came home from work with, especially if children were involved.

He would have given his last for me or the kids. He made us feel safe, always. He cleaned the dishwasher trap because he knew it made me wretch, and always dealt with it if one of the dogs vomited, because despite the fact that I patch up human disgustingness for a living, he knew I couldn't do dog stuff.

He was absolutely terrified of mice, and thunder and lightening, but would have fought a dragon, if one had threatened me or the kids.

What a wonderful description of a precious, irreplaceable human being. The bond between you shines out from your description of him and the scale of your loss is devastating. He is quite clearly one of a kind. Thank you for sharing this, it's a gift just to hear about him. I hope you find a way to carry him with you.

AdoraBell · 14/10/2023 13:57

I’m so very sorry for your loss 💐

Sadandhurt23 · 14/10/2023 13:57

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I have no advice for you but have you tried the Citizens advice? Speak to your GP to see if you can access some free counselling if you don't feel that it's too early for you. Sending so much love. xx

theduchessofspork · 14/10/2023 13:59

He sounds like a truly remarkable man, and it’s clear how much you loved each other. I am so sorry again.

You mentioned in your later posts that you deal with grieving families at work. Is it worth considering a sideways move for a bit - would some sort of secondment be possible?

It’s an awful lot to deal with other people’s grief why your own is so raw. I don’t mean move for ever, just for a bit.

ginasevern · 14/10/2023 13:59

@WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat

My husband died after 26 years of a happy and solid marriage. It was a sudden brain haemorraghe, no warning at all. He was 47. A friend who had lost his wife a few years earlier told me "it doesn't go away, but it does get better". At the time I was beyond broken and I didn't believe him. In fact, I thought he was lying to placate me. Whilst better is perhaps not the right word, please believe me when I say the pain will ease with time. It really will. My heart goes out to you and I can only send you love and strength.

shoeawsome · 14/10/2023 14:00

There is a passage from a book I read about 2 years after he died, I wrote it down because it seemed appropriate & 20 plus years later it's still appropriate so I'll share it!

'when someone dies they do not always disappear from your life. You have a relationship with them, a relationship that starts to accomodate their silence. you move on but they come with you! you do not leave each other behind!'

Honestly I'm married now but my partner is still such a large part of my life, in my head I tell him stuff, I see things in the news & smile because I know what he would say & I still use some of his little sayings,

I don't know if this will help but I hope it does! 💐

TitInATrance · 14/10/2023 14:02

Sending sympathy and strength. I was widowed suddenly many years ago when DC were pre-school. I don’t think I ever got over it, I learned to live with it and saw raising his children as my main role - our DC, but for years I saw them as principally his rather than mine.

I’d recommend contacting a child bereavement charity such as Winston’s Wish or Jeremiah’s Journey as well as the suggestions above. Seeing the children grow and now knowing they made it through and are happy, independent adults has been a great comfort.

Wishingwell57 · 14/10/2023 14:03

There are no words to make this better for you, I wish there were. I am so sorry this has happened. Sending love to you and your children. ❤

Nsky62 · 14/10/2023 14:03

Awful what you are going through.
i hope the WAY group, will help and support you, and provide much needed friends

beastlyslumber · 14/10/2023 14:09

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your husband sounds like a wonderful person. I have no advice, just want to send love and strength.

iwantavuvezela · 14/10/2023 14:10

So sorry for your loss OP - I lost my husband to cancer over 2 years ago, and the first six months in terms of rawness of grief were definitely the hardest, and I have very little memory of that time. I am not sure what I did, slept a lot, cried, did the various admin involved when a spouse dies and tried to just get through every day. I did bereavement couselling after 3 months which was helpful, and tried to be there for my DD as much as possible.
It's fucking hard, the rawness has passed, I miss my husband so very much , but it has become bereable.

I read the The Elements - A Widowhood by Kat Lister which I found very moving, and hearing of other widows and loss helped me frame mine. If you would like, message me your address and I will send you a copy of the book.
These days are hard, and you will need to get through them, but it will get easier and you will find it easier to bear the loss. Sending you much love and strength

gotomomo · 14/10/2023 14:16

There aren't many words that seem adequate, a huge virtual hug isn't enough but it genuinely from my heart.

Do seek professional support, I used to work in bereavement counselling and supported people just like you, to give them space where they could talk, to give them the strength then for their children. We also supported children who often benefited from groups with other children un similar circumstances, there is comfort from knowing you are not alone.

Remember even at 3am there are people here on Mumsnet who will be there to read about your husband, whether it's practical advice or you sharing funny anecdotes. Often me, insomnia!

There may also be a befriending scheme in your area, linking you with other young widows who can help you in a way that those of us who have not thankfully experienced this really can't, even with courses and experience with other clients it's not the same.