Just that really. My husband died three weeks ago today and I feel totally and completely lost and bereft. I'm early 40s, and until the end of July my DH was a fit, healthy, vigorous man. He was mine and my four children's guide, support, strength and we adored him so very much.
He had a sudden onset of cardiac illness, but after a couple of scares and clinical interventions, he seemed to be on the mend. Then suddenly, late September he became critically unwell; he went back into hospital, and then had a cardiac arrest, from which he was revived, but he very quickly had another cardiac arrest and had to be sedated and intubated, and placed on ECMO. He was in ICU for four days, at that point, they/I still had hope for recovery, but then he had a massive deterioration, and they/I had no choice but to withdraw support. His liver, kidneys, bowels and lungs failed, and he had a massive stroke and couldn't be saved.
A part of me died when he did. We have no family support. I have huge support from my work family (I work in healthcare with the people who fought so very hard to save him), and I do have a couple of good friends but I just feel so very alone.
I've managed to stay strong for my kids, because I'm all they have now, and for the most part, I've held it together, but inside I'm dying. All I want is to talk to him one more time. To change the last words I said to him. To tell him how much I miss him, how much I loved him, to ask him how the fuck I'm going to go on without him.
What happens now? What do I do? How will I ever stop feeling like I'm only half a person? We have been together for 23 years and he is literally the only person who I have ever been able to trust with the deepest darkest parts of myself. The person who I could literally say anything to, no matter how fucking out there and know that he would just listen, accept and not judge. He was also the only other person who my kids could trust and depend on 100%. What do they do, when they only have me, who can't do and say all the things dad could?
What happens if I just feel this alone and broken forever? I don't even know what, if anything I want, or am expecting from this post. I just feel so lost. Thank you for listening if you've got this far.