Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

My husband died 3wks ago today

105 replies

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 14/10/2023 12:53

Just that really. My husband died three weeks ago today and I feel totally and completely lost and bereft. I'm early 40s, and until the end of July my DH was a fit, healthy, vigorous man. He was mine and my four children's guide, support, strength and we adored him so very much.

He had a sudden onset of cardiac illness, but after a couple of scares and clinical interventions, he seemed to be on the mend. Then suddenly, late September he became critically unwell; he went back into hospital, and then had a cardiac arrest, from which he was revived, but he very quickly had another cardiac arrest and had to be sedated and intubated, and placed on ECMO. He was in ICU for four days, at that point, they/I still had hope for recovery, but then he had a massive deterioration, and they/I had no choice but to withdraw support. His liver, kidneys, bowels and lungs failed, and he had a massive stroke and couldn't be saved.

A part of me died when he did. We have no family support. I have huge support from my work family (I work in healthcare with the people who fought so very hard to save him), and I do have a couple of good friends but I just feel so very alone.

I've managed to stay strong for my kids, because I'm all they have now, and for the most part, I've held it together, but inside I'm dying. All I want is to talk to him one more time. To change the last words I said to him. To tell him how much I miss him, how much I loved him, to ask him how the fuck I'm going to go on without him.

What happens now? What do I do? How will I ever stop feeling like I'm only half a person? We have been together for 23 years and he is literally the only person who I have ever been able to trust with the deepest darkest parts of myself. The person who I could literally say anything to, no matter how fucking out there and know that he would just listen, accept and not judge. He was also the only other person who my kids could trust and depend on 100%. What do they do, when they only have me, who can't do and say all the things dad could?

What happens if I just feel this alone and broken forever? I don't even know what, if anything I want, or am expecting from this post. I just feel so lost. Thank you for listening if you've got this far.

OP posts:

LaurieStrode · 14/10/2023 14:18

💐💐💐😥

No words of wisdom. Just focus on one day.

dottiedodah · 14/10/2023 14:38

Firstly I am so very sorry he died so suddenly.My Dad had died from a heart attack when I was a child .He passed away in the night. It was such a shock .Cruse are also very kind and offer free Counselling . 3 Weeks is nothing really, its so little time .Mum said people expected her to "get over it" as time passed but its a personal thing. Be kind to yourself and try not to overdo it .Eat light meals even toast or Soup will be fine .Try to rest as much as you can.Sending hugs to you . Take Care xxx

NancyMaloni · 14/10/2023 14:45

Sorry for your loss xx

Ginmonkeyagain · 14/10/2023 14:57

My mum died suddenly at 46 leaving my dad and us 3 children. She had an undiagnosed brain tumour that was discovered during a routine unrelated operation when she had a massive stroke during the operation and never came round.

You never realy get over it but the hard edges soften over time and it becomes part of you. My dad did meet someone else eventually and he has a good life, but he will never stop loving my mum.

Be kind to yourself, it will ease eventually.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 14/10/2023 15:06

I'm so very sorry.
My heart aches for you and your DC
Lean on those who love you and let them carry you on

FOJN · 14/10/2023 15:10

You've written so beautifully about your husband I feel sure there is no way he could not know how loved he was.

I worked in health care dealing with death and trauma daily too. Experience and knowledge cannot prepare you for the bewilderment of grief. Sometimes it's a pain so raw and immense it feels like it will consume you, other times you feel like you're doing OK and the next minute you feel like you're falling apart all over again. Little by little it will get better and one day happy memories of your husband will not immediately be followed by crushing sadness.

There are two things which have got me through the most painful periods in my life; one was knowing that other people had loved and lost just like me and that with time most managed to find pleasure in life again, it didn't take away the pain it just gave me hope that the pain wasn't forever. The second was a wonderful woman telling me it took her a year to stop crying every single day after a bereavement, it stopped me from feeling that I was pathetic for still feeling so awful after months of crying everyday. I did eventually stop crying everyday but it took longer for grief to stop catching me a random moments.

Keep posting here if it helps. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Houseplanter · 14/10/2023 15:13

I'm so sorry. Lots of wisdom on here, and more eloquent words than mine could be.

MistyTrains2 · 14/10/2023 15:16

I am so sorry reading this. My best friends husband died suddenly of cancer in the pandemic in his early 40s. It is horrific. And absolutely completely unfair. Please do find someone to talk to like counselling. My friend ia very strong and always puts people first but even she found it helpful to have a counsellor in the first year. As much as I know my friend I am not a counsellor and a professional and able to provide that support that a counsellor can, I encouraged her to do this as much as I could. She also went to WAY, it may or may not be for you but she did share experiences with others and I think that was beneficial for her - the last thing you want or need is to feel alone on top of the vastness of it all. I think she did go through the motions a lot (and had to) in the first couple of years but recently started doing some learning and is enjoying that. Know that your husband would want you to be taken care of in life.

Everything is hard, all the anniversaries and what ifs and feelings of unfairness that get triggered. I know she talked to him a lot and they did lots of little rituals on the anniversaries. Make sure people IRL know how you really are. There is a good book called 'If there is anything I can do to help' which might be helpful.

cyclamenqueen · 14/10/2023 15:18

I so sorry , I have no direct experience but s friend who lost his wife found huge support for his children from Winstons Wish .

Dontjudgeme101 · 14/10/2023 15:21

l am so sorry op. 💐💐💐

Stillwaitingfor · 14/10/2023 15:25

Life can be so cruel, it's fucking shit. I'm really sorry your husband died, far too young. Grief will poleaxe you, and it's harder still when you have to stay strong for little ones when all you want to do is scream.

One day at a time, hour by hour, that's how you'll get through.

Anapana · 14/10/2023 15:27

You poor woman, what an awful thing to happen. I’m so sorry for your loss x

AGAbaker · 14/10/2023 15:34

So sorry for your loss OP x

CheshireCat1 · 14/10/2023 15:34

I’m so sorry for yours and your children’s loss.

Rosecoffeecup · 14/10/2023 15:35

May he rest in peace. He sounds like a wonderful man and your live shines through your words.

One foot in front of the other and don't forget to breathe

BlastedPimples · 14/10/2023 15:35

So so sorry for your shocking loss and your pain.

readbooksdrinktea · 14/10/2023 15:39

What happened to your family is crushing, and I'm so, so sorry.

sleepymama3 · 14/10/2023 15:43

Oh OP, I am so sorry for your loss. What a terrible heartbreak for you and your children. You are clearly a strong and loving mother and he was one in a million by your description. One day, sometimes one hour at a time. Xxx

ForestofBears · 14/10/2023 15:44

I am so sorry.
I was here almost exactly 2 years ago with my thread about the sudden death of my DH. The people who replied were wonderful and supportive through the very early days of my grief. They directed me to WAY, and I am very grateful. I highly recommend it for support from a community of people who know exactly what you are going through. 2 years on, I have survived and got my young children through their grief despite many extremely difficult days that didn’t feel survivable. I would say don’t take it one day at a time, a lot of the time one whole day feels far too overwhelming, take it one minute at a time, one hour at a time on good days, tiny steps. I haven’t found the answers to all your questions, most of which were also my questions, about how to do this without him, but I have done many things I didn’t ever think I would be able to on my own for my children. I also don’t really have a supportive family or friends but do have a wonderful work family (also in healthcare) who have supported me to go back to a job that I didn’t think would be possible to do as the only parent and cared for me as a person and friend as well as a colleague.

Itcanhappeninanysituation · 14/10/2023 15:51

You both sound remarkable, wonderful people and there are no words I can use. Sorry doesn't seem enough.

I've worked where traumatic death happens regularily and that didn't prepare me for the grief I felt when my dad died.

Grief can swollow you up and spit you out in bits. It's numbing and painful at the sametime.

My own way of coping when a loved one dies, is to pick a tree that reminds me of them and that I see regularily. As trees change with the season and you can hug them. I've told patients of this and their loved ones. One lovely lady advised her husband she wanted to be remembered as fungi - as they came up from earth and were their favorite food.

I used to cry in shower and cry in cushions, until my DS caught me and asked me to cry with him. The most important thing was to cry to allow the emotion to come out.

RabbitsRock · 14/10/2023 15:59

I’m so sorry for you & your DCs loss OP. My DH drives me up the wall sometimes but I can’t imagine the world without him in it. Sending you love & strength ❤️

thegreylady · 14/10/2023 16:07

I am so so sorry. My husband died on May 22nd this year and I am finding the change from us to me almost unbearably difficult. But you are so young whereas we were both old. We has 35 years of happy marriage. Our dc are adults. I am try ing to think of some words of comfort but there are none except to say that it is the strength of your love which causes the depth of your grief. Your new normal isn’t one which you would choose but you can do it for your children and yourself and remember what your husband would want. It is much too early for you feel anything but sadness.One step at a time do what you have to and accept any help offered by family and friends. Write things down as they come to mind and if you haven’t done so contact Tell Us Once to sort out official finances.
Thinking of you 💐💐💐

Emelene · 14/10/2023 16:07

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your love shines through. Sending you so much love xxx

TheMadGardener · 14/10/2023 16:09

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died from cancer nearly 4 and a half years ago when I was 49. Our DDs were 14 and almost 12.

Counselling was good for my DDs and you may find it so for your children. Their school arranged counselling for them and we also had help from Winston's Wish and a local group for bereaved children. I found it less helpful for myself but maybe it depends on your personality.

I totally understand what you say about your DH being the person you could say anything to. All those little in-jokes and references that only we understood, now nobody else gets them.

I've described losing DH as being a bit like losing a limb. You go on, living your life, you adapt to the loss but you are always aware of something missing.

Do everything at your own pace. I sorted through DH's clothes and DVDs very quickly, a year later I went through his books, four years later I still haven't dealt with his camping gear, LPs, etc. I'll do it some time. My DDs have done so well and are flourishing. Your children will flourish too despite their terrible loss.

It is, as you say, fucking unfair. I still resent it when I see my friends in happy couples with not-dead husbands. But you are stronger than you know. Your DH knew you would do an awesome job with your kids. Thinking of you x

TwoBoyMamma · 14/10/2023 16:19

I have no words but I wish I could hug you , life is so unfair . I’m so sorry x

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread