Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Is he lying? Or is there more going on here?

107 replies

Splishsplashsplooshsplosh · 10/10/2023 22:32

Me and DH have just had another row about the same old thing. What happens is
I got angry about something, angrily tell DH about the thing (for example today it was about how shit our internet connection is!) And DH starts getting angry at me. When I ask him why he's angry with me he says I started it by being angry at him. But I wasnt. I was angry at Sky (or whatever the thing is)
We did speak about it afterwards and he says he can't tell the difference between me being angry at something and being angry at him. He feels like I'm blaming him so needs to defend himself. But I just can't see how anyone WOULDNT be able to tell the difference. How could I possibly be angry at him for our internet server being shit???
I'm starting to wonder whether he might actually have ASD or something. Some other members of his family do so it's not beyond the realms of possibility. Or maybe hes just taking any excuse to have a go at me?

OP posts:
sprigatito · 10/10/2023 22:38

Nothing you posted suggests he has ASD Confused it sounds more likely that he's fed up of you taking it out on him when normal minor setbacks occur. If you're angrily swearing about the wonky WiFi or whatever and he's the one you're addressing it to, then he's getting the brunt of your anger whether you think you're angry with him or not. I'd be sick of it too.

Kinneddar · 10/10/2023 22:43

Maybe you should look at the way you 'angrily' tell him things. If someone was telling me things in an angry manner rather than just a factual one I'd probably react too. He's probably just pissed off at being on the brunt of it when its nothing he can control rather than it being ASD or anything similar 🙄

Original poster
Splishsplashsplooshsplosh · 10/10/2023 22:44

But how is getting annoyed about something taking it out on him? Doesn't everyone get annoyed about stuff? He does for instance. But unless he's telling me off I don't assume he thinks it's my fault that something has gone wrong or whatever?

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Original poster
Splishsplashsplooshsplosh · 10/10/2023 22:45

I wasn't shouting or anything

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 10/10/2023 22:46

Sometimes people see a rant as a demand that something is fixed and he obviously can't improve the broadband.
How angry were you? If he was as angry would you know that it was just a rant or would you feel under fire a bit?

Original poster
Splishsplashsplooshsplosh · 10/10/2023 22:47

Honesty I don't think I'd have thought he was angry at me at all! I'd have sympathised I think and agreed it was shit!

OP posts:
Starbeeees · 10/10/2023 22:50

Unless there’s other reasons, it’s a huge stretch to assume autism here. Like, huge

Kinneddar · 10/10/2023 22:50

Honesty I don't think I'd have thought he was angry at me at all

Maybe not but he clearly feels differently. If its a recurring problem then I'd say you need to look at how you talk to him when you tell him things are pissing you off

MrsH0990 · 10/10/2023 22:54

Hmm. It’s hard to know if it’s the reason without knowing the person, but I will say that I am autistic and I do have trouble differentiating in these situations to be honest. My husband often has to tell me that he just needs to vent if he can see in my face that I’m struggling to figure out if I’m meant to do something about it or just listen (but it’s very obvious with me, it’s not with everyone). Before I knew I was autistic, I was always very defensive. Now, I just ask if the person is mad at me because they’re usually not 😅

PamFritters · 10/10/2023 22:56

I have quite a lot of trauma in my background.

DH has never, actually never, raised his voice at me. But sometimes when he rants about something (the other morning the dog had diarrhoea and he was angrily huffing and puffing about it while clearing up, not at me, not at the dogs, just having a rant) it sets my adrenaline racing, it’s horrible and makes me feel like I’m under attack. I don’t shout back at DH when he’s cross because I know my response is my problem and he’s not doing anything wrong, it’s just my reaction to it.

I imagine it’s something like that. An involuntary response where he feels under attack. Talk to him about it. He doesn’t have to respond like that but he might genuinely think you are shouting AT him.

spookehtooth · 10/10/2023 22:57

I don't know if helps, that I have treated people the way you're describing and justified it pretty much word for word the way you have. I've done it for years and years, making excuses. Then I had a bit of a revelation about it. There's a time and place for getting upset and a bit angry, but its not with people I want to have a good relationship with.

I try hard to avoid it now, it doesn't work. Your husband's response is evidence of that. Why is it easier for you to argue with him than adapt how you communicate? I was in a position a couple of times in the last several months with a friend, my tone was similar to how you describe. I was angry at her, but she was uncomfortable with how I was talking. It didn't reach the point of arguing, I didn't let it. I stopped talking for a little bit, then started talking about something else. She's a great friend, I don't want her to feel like that

Justfeelinglost · 10/10/2023 22:58

It could be a trigger for him, did he have a difficult childhood or a parent that would scold him all the time ect?

Original poster
Splishsplashsplooshsplosh · 10/10/2023 23:08

I don't think it's realistic to expect me not to get annoyed about things though is it? Doesn't everyone? Maybe I just shouldnt tell himabout it when I am? But if he has a crap day at work or something he wants to come and offload that and I listen (or sometimes I sort of pretend to listen if it's all getting technical and I don't understand) but I don't get angry and defensive

OP posts:
spookehtooth · 10/10/2023 23:12

Splishsplashsplooshsplosh · 10/10/2023 23:08

I don't think it's realistic to expect me not to get annoyed about things though is it? Doesn't everyone? Maybe I just shouldnt tell himabout it when I am? But if he has a crap day at work or something he wants to come and offload that and I listen (or sometimes I sort of pretend to listen if it's all getting technical and I don't understand) but I don't get angry and defensive

What's your solution to not having this problem? Bearing in mind you cannot force him to change his mind about how he feels? Carry on and hope he gets used to it?

Whatever you do, don't go telling him he can't cope because he's got ASD. That would a terrible move on your part

MrsH0990 · 10/10/2023 23:17

You don’t need to not get annoyed or stop telling him about things, but maybe approaching it differently would help. You could just preface a rant with “hey this really annoying thing happened and I really need to vent about it”. Then he can listen already knowing that you’re not directing the feelings at him.

Original poster
Splishsplashsplooshsplosh · 10/10/2023 23:18

Honestly I don't really have a solution. I don't think it's realistic for me to never get annoyed about things and it feels unfair to not be allowed to vent but maybe that's the only thing I can do about it. I find it really upsetting that he gets angry with me if I'm honest. I fell like he MUST be able to tell that I wasn't trying to have a go. I just can't really get my head around someone not being able to tell the difference. I think I do talk to other people in the same way sometimes and I've never had anyone else take it personally. But maybe that's because they're less invested?

OP posts:
Original poster
Splishsplashsplooshsplosh · 10/10/2023 23:20

"Whatever you do, don't go telling him he can't cope because he's got ASD. That would a terrible move on your part"
I am not going to do that!!!
I have said I can't understand how he can't tell the difference though. Because it's true

OP posts:
Original poster
Splishsplashsplooshsplosh · 10/10/2023 23:23

"You could just preface a rant with “hey this really annoying thing happened and I really need to vent about it”. Then he can listen already knowing that you’re not directing the feelings at him."
I don't usually say that I just need to vent tbh. Maybe I could try that. Well I do say it but usually it's after he's got angry with me and I'm upset. I'd like to avoid that bit!

OP posts:
Original poster
Splishsplashsplooshsplosh · 10/10/2023 23:28

Also he said afterwards "sorry for thinking you were angry at me. But I did reset the router so why are you still upset?" But by that point I was upset that he'd got angry at me for being angry at him when I wasn't. Not about the router any more. And he doesn't really get that either. Aaah.

OP posts:
SleepPrettyDarling · 10/10/2023 23:29

It sounds like the communication between you isn’t working. Maybe he is defensive by nature and perceives it as a criticism directed at him. Maybe he’s sensitive to conflict and goes into flight or fight mode. Maybe something else. Either way it’s destructive and corrosive so you need to find a way to frame things that don’t provoke that retaliation. It’s between the two of you, the giving of the message and the receiving, so you need to find an acceptable middle ground rather than taking the position he’s reacting ‘wrong.’

Original poster
Splishsplashsplooshsplosh · 10/10/2023 23:32

I agree our communication clearly isn't working here.

OP posts:
Pokinganose · 10/10/2023 23:36

Do you do this regularly though? If you do then it can get someone down if the other person is always moaning and getting angry and maybe making a drama out of everything. It can be stressful and draining.

margotrose · 10/10/2023 23:38

It's not very nice to listen to someone ranting and raving, especially if they do it regularly.

Original poster
Splishsplashsplooshsplosh · 10/10/2023 23:39

Pokinganose · Today 23:36

Do you do this regularly though? If you do then it can get someone down if the other person is always moaning and getting angry and maybe making a drama out of everything. It can be stressful and draining.

Maybe? I don't think more than most people but maybe I do. I'm pretty sure I'm not a drama queen but I sometimes get annoyed about general stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
Splishsplashsplooshsplosh · 10/10/2023 23:40

I absolutely wasn't "ranting and raving" I was having a moan. I didnt shout or anything like that!!

OP posts: