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Is he lying? Or is there more going on here?

107 replies

Splishsplashsplooshsplosh · 10/10/2023 22:32

Me and DH have just had another row about the same old thing. What happens is
I got angry about something, angrily tell DH about the thing (for example today it was about how shit our internet connection is!) And DH starts getting angry at me. When I ask him why he's angry with me he says I started it by being angry at him. But I wasnt. I was angry at Sky (or whatever the thing is)
We did speak about it afterwards and he says he can't tell the difference between me being angry at something and being angry at him. He feels like I'm blaming him so needs to defend himself. But I just can't see how anyone WOULDNT be able to tell the difference. How could I possibly be angry at him for our internet server being shit???
I'm starting to wonder whether he might actually have ASD or something. Some other members of his family do so it's not beyond the realms of possibility. Or maybe hes just taking any excuse to have a go at me?

OP posts:
BubziOwl · 11/10/2023 14:38

I've been in your husband's shoes. I've have no issue with people being upset or frustrated and having a moan about something, but there's a difference between having a moan and behaving in an "angry" way - raised voice, aggressive demeanour (eg slamming cupboards, stomping around), general unpleasant vibes.

The former is fine. The latter will get my adrenaline going and make me feel unsafe.

DysmalRadius · 11/10/2023 23:48

I'm really surprised at how many posters are adamant that expressing any negative emotion is unwelcome around them. I don't think I'd want a marriage or a household in which I could never express anger or frustration unless I was alone, and I'm pretty laid back, so hardly venting Basil Fawlty style about every little thing.

My children have never been taught to suppress their anger, and have been shown that letting emotions out as a roar/shout/request for help can be a much better alternative to lashing out, or bottling it up until you're alone, or trying to process it without allowing themeselves to feel it.

I'm also surprised how many posters never share negative experiences with their partner, even if it's just for the camaraderie of being annoyed with something together. I like the fact that my husband and I can vent about niche aspects of our lives and understand each other's frustrations - if someone annoys him, they go on my mental shit list too, and having each others' backs in this small way is actually probably more of a positive in our relationship than anything.

I also believe that it is possible to be angry near someone without them being negativly affected by it - I can empathise with the frustration of things not going someone's way without feeling responsible for that and it really surprises me that so many people automatically assume that they are the subject of any passing rage. So, whilst I acknowledge that clearly that's not the case for some people, maybe even most people, I don't think it's completely universal.

All that is to say, OP, that you are not alone and I don't think it can be massively abnormal to be like us (I hope, though I've no plans to trade my husband in!) but clearly its nowhere near as unusual as either of us would previously have thought which is definitely useful to know! I hope all the insight helps you find a way forward.

mikulkin · 12/10/2023 01:48

OP, you are describing me and my DH for many years. I similarly to you couldn’t understand what the problem is and similarly to you I am much more optimistic person than he is. After years of arguments I finally realised that it is all about tone of voice and funnily enough because I am usually upbeat my frustration comes out much much stronger than his. You might not realise it but somehow you might sound aggressive when you moan even though you don’t shout or slam doors. Your kids don’t react because that’s normal for their mum and as kids that’s all they have seen since they were born so they know the difference. For an adult raised in different environment it is much more difficult. I am much more aware of my tone of voice now and though I cannot change myself completely I learnt to say in advance of moaning: “ah I need to moan” or “can I have a hug” and then let out my frustration. Funnily enough when I do say this in advance my DH looks concerned and when I see his concerned look even my frustration comes out softer.
when I was reading your comments I almost laughed as I was saying exactly the same things and couldn’t understand why my moan is an attack and his is not but it is all about the tone…

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junbean · 12/10/2023 03:54

Sounds exactly like my DD who has Asperger's. When you go to vent to him, tell him "I'm angry at so and so about this and that. I'm not mad at you. Will you listen to my venting?" So he knows and also has a choice to hear it or not. Try this, I bet it fixes the issue immediately.

Whataretalkingabout · 12/10/2023 16:44

I think for some people who have grown up in a family with stern angry shouty parents they may get triggered whenever they hear their spouse doing the same thing.
For these people, ranting brings back very uncomfortable, unpleasant memories and may even set off a trauma response.

margotrose · 12/10/2023 16:58

I'm really surprised at how many posters are adamant that expressing any negative emotion is unwelcome around them.

I don't think anyone has said that. What they have said is that they don't like people getting angry or shouting around them, which is totally valid.

Justfeelinglost · 12/10/2023 19:51

Thats exactly my experience and what I have suggested to OP may be her husbands issue.

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