Is he lying? Or is there more going on here?

[Splishsplashsplooshsplosh]

Me and DH have just had another row about the same old thing. What happens is
I got angry about something, angrily tell DH about the thing (for example today it was about how shit our internet connection is!) And DH starts getting angry at me. When I ask him why he's angry with me he says I started it by being angry at him. But I wasnt. I was angry at Sky (or whatever the thing is)
We did speak about it afterwards and he says he can't tell the difference between me being angry at something and being angry at him. He feels like I'm blaming him so needs to defend himself. But I just can't see how anyone WOULDNT be able to tell the difference. How could I possibly be angry at him for our internet server being shit???
I'm starting to wonder whether he might actually have ASD or something. Some other members of his family do so it's not beyond the realms of possibility. Or maybe hes just taking any excuse to have a go at me?

Ok. Well obviously I need to try and change the way I speak about things if I don't want this to happen because as has been pointed out I can only change myself, I can't change others.
But to be clear I am absolutelynot the sort of person who is constantly moaning which I keep having PP imply. I moan sometimes. I'm sure most people do. It possibly does affect his mood so I will have to be more careful. But he honestly moans more often than I do. Because he's just a more pessimistic personality type. I don't assume he's moaning at me when he does this. And I don't get angry and start an argument with him (I realise that me thinking he's starting the argument is from my perspective here) and that is the bit that I find odd. Why does he think it's about him? I get if someone is cross it isn't NICE. But I'm not always moaning, nor am I shouty. So I don't understand why he sees it as a personal attack. And I also resent that he is "allowed" to moan to me if something goes wrong or whatever but if I do the same it becomes a drama.

I'm sorry but it sounds like you're just having a go at him a lot and he is getting pissed off with it. Having a rant to him about the internet and having a rant to him because the internet is his fault aren't too dissimilar.

It doesn’t matter why he thinks it’s about him, when someone speaks to you angrily, you are putting that energy onto them. Why would you be surprised when that also makes them feel angry? When someone moans, rants, shouts, speaks “angrily” to me, it doesn’t make me feel very happy!

As you’ve said, you can only change your own behaviour, reacting negatively to being spoken to angrily is very normal and most people probably feel like this. If you “resent” the fact that you don’t personally react like that when he does it to you, then communicate with him and just let him know you don’t like it.

I think socially men have learned to be "fixers"
They don't really get being listeners.

My DP used to be like this. Now I tell him at beginning of a moan "I just need a listening ear here - not a solution "

It was difficult to get used to hut has helped immensely

"if you “resent” the fact that you don’t personally react like that when he does it to you, then communicate with him and just let him know you don’t like it."

I don't resent the fact that I don't react the same way. What an odd thing to say. I resent that he is allowed to offload to me (which by the way I think is totally normal in a relationship because people aren't robots) but if I do the same it's drama.
And honestly if you think someone having a bit of a moan about the internet being crap "doesn't make you feel very happy" then perhaps you're the one who needs to learn to regulate your emotions

Why does he think it's about him?

Because he is the only one there and he does not know what you expect from him.

I resent that he is allowed to offload to me (which by the way I think is totally normal in a relationship because people aren't robots) but if I do the same it's drama.

That's fair enough. So I assume you've sat down and spoken to him about it? What did he say?

Okay…and how is that different to resenting that he reacts differently? You react one way to him “offloading” to you, you sit through it as you think it’s fine, he reacts differently because you speaking to him angrily upsets him/makes him feel angry, hence the “drama”. Therefore, you resent the fact that you are okay with it, but he isn’t when the roles are reversed.

Again, as you’ve been told, you can’t control his reactions to things. It’s VERY normal
to not like someone “angrily” speaking to you.

Communication is very normal in a relationship, yes. EFFECTIVE communication is incredibly important in a relationship. But using your partner to offload your anger about a situation, (which is exactly what you’ve done, read your own first post- you were angry and told your partner angrily), is not normal, and not healthy.

It’s not really about the wifi specifically, it’s about going to your partner angry and then speaking to him ANGRILY (your words) about anything. What would make me unhappy is my partner speaking to me ANGRILY about anything, as an adult you should absolutely be capable of communicating with your partner without that anger. There’s absolutely no need for it as an adult with your own mind, there were plenty of ways to communicate that in a healthy and effective way, without upsetting anyone, if you just take the anger out of it. You were angry, you spoke to him angrily, it’s not something he caused or created, NOBODY likes being spoken to “angrily”.

My wife is like this, and to be frank, it can be scary. I totally get his sentiments.

A good example is the entire period before we reach our destination on holiday... every little hiccup, every second of delay, every thing that doesn't go absolutely perfectly results in her getting snappy. Best case scenario she gets frantic and anxious, worst case, she snaps at me and initiates full-blown arguments. None of these are my fault, but you don't want to be in the blast radius.

If OP is anything like this, I pity hubby.

"You were angry, you spoke to him angrily"
Yes. But that's what everyone does sometimes. I think maybe you're imagining something different to what actually happened here. Maybe your definition of speaking to someone angrily means yelling and waving arms around or something. But that isn't what happened at all. I was complaining about sky. Because I was angry. I said it was shit. Because it is. I did not go on a personal attack. But then again maybe you're just the sort of person who bottles up their anger and then takes it out on mumsnet 😁

"If OP is anything like this, I pity hubby."
There is no "blast radius" so I guess I'm not.

I think you’re changing your version of events the more you realise that the general consensus are that you’re in the wrong. You wrote that you spoke angrily, no matter specifically that looks like to you, what it does mean quite clearly is that you spoke to him in anger, with anger. That is not okay, and he’s within his rights to not be happy with that.

Judging by how defensive you’ve been here, I suspect as PP has said, you very much do have a blast radius and your poor partner has been caught in it over the wifi. It really doesn’t matter how you view your own behaviour, or how you justify how you spoke to your partner because you weren’t “shouting or waving your hands”. You spoke to him angrily, he doesn’t like it. He’s within his rights to feel that way. That is case closed :)

I haven't changed my version of events at any point. I even gave a brief run down of how the conversation went. You decided what I meant and made an argument based on that. Or maybe you're just one of "those" posters. Who knows. Thank you for closing my case for me. Since you have done so I guess I'll not bother responding to you any more.

You sound a bit like my DH used to be.

Then work sent him on a NeuroLinguistic Programming course.

He came home amazed that people process and react to tone of voice more than words, he realised that whilst he wasn't telling me off when he often spoke all I heard was angry.

Total game changer and he changed his communication style - enormously improved our marriage.

There's nothing more irritating than listening to someone moaning in anger about something inconvenient or something on the news or anything really.
No wonder he gets fed up and reacts. Not his best reaction but your moaning would totally annoy me. Although my reaction in such circumstances would be to either ignore you or ask you what do you want me to do about it?'.

RHOShitVille · Today 11:46

You sound a bit like my DH used to be.

Then work sent him on a NeuroLinguistic Programming course.

He came home amazed that people process and react to tone of voice more than words, he realised that whilst he wasn't telling me off when he often spoke all I heard was angry.

Total game changer and he changed his communication style - enormously improved our marriage.

This is actually very interesting. Thank you

Some people get stressed by the sound of anger in other people’s voices. I would explain calmly what the problem is, to get him inside.

I was your husband in this scenario. Something minor happened, like the internet being slow - and my husband started ranting about how crap it is and stomping round the house, sometimes slamming a door in frustration.

I HATED it. It set my whole system on edge to have his poorly managed rage in the air, even if it wasn’t directed at me. I never knew whether I was supposed to agree with him? Offer to help? Leave him to it? It made me horribly anxious and sometimes I would snap back at him about it.

it’s something we talked about a lot in couples therapy - it took him a long time to acknowledge that just because I wasn’t in the line of fire didn’t mean I wasn’t affected. To his huge credit he’s really taken that on board - and when he’s annoyed now he leads with ‘this isn’t a you problem, I just need to rant’ or ‘I know you aren’t responsible but I feel frustrated please can you help me’.

What are you actually asking for from your husband in those moments of your anger?

This.

I'm a man with a very deep voice. I learnt in my teens that me shouting scares the living crap out of people, so I never do it.

As a result I always thought that I came across as quite calm and placid, even when I was furious about something or DD was acting up etc.

However one day DP said "Do you need to be so stern with DD", and I was confused, so we had a conversation about it and she brought up that I was the same when I was having a vent about something.

So I recorded myself. Set up a microphone in the corner of the room and let it run for a couple of days. Listened back when DP pointed out that I'd done "the voice"

It was not good. There was no shouting, not even a raised voice. Nothing wrong with the words either. But the tone just had this cold hard element to it that was horrible to hear.

Since then I can hear it when I do it, and have really tried to cut it out of my voice. Honestly, it's harder than not shouting, but I wouldn't want to listen to that voice, even if it wasn't aimed at me, so I try my best.

"What are you actually asking for from your husband in those moments of your anger?"

Mainly just to get it off my chest I guess. Although I did want to see if he agrees we need to change provider in this instance, but usually it's just sometimes i need to be able to vent about something.

I absolutely do not yell and slam doors though. I honestly don't think I have "poorly maintained rage" at all. In fact if anyone ends up shouting, of the 2 of us it's usually him. He's more likely to lose his patience with the kids for example than I am (he doesn't do it often though to be fair) he's the type, if they're messing around at dinner for example, who might just come out and say "right that's it no games console this evening" where as I'd always say "If you do that again there'll be no console later" as a warning, first.

I could start off with "ugh I'm so annoyed can I just get this off my chest. I'm not blaming you." I'm happy to try and do that in future and see if it helps.

"So I recorded myself. Set up a microphone in the corner of the room and let it run for a couple of days. Listened back when DP pointed out that I'd done "the voice""

This is an absolutely brilliant idea. I'm going to try it. Thank you.

I'm convinced he's being dramatic and I'm not scary but maybe I'm wrong. And if I'm not wrong at least I can point out his drama.

I should tell him I'm going to do it though I guess. Otherwise it's just spying!!

I think the difference is shouting at the flatpack. If you were getting angry at the WiFi, he might not react to that in the same way. But if you're angry at him about the WiFi that's different.

Yes but the tone your using is probably shit and sounding aggressive to husband. I know exactly what your husband means cause I have done it and then realised that I need to reign it in, its something I'm now more conscious of in my relationship. Of course your just venting but it seems you need to realise/watch your tone

Venus and Mars.
Men always think when we moan, we want them to 'fix' said problem. I guess it's a nature thing! When all we really want is a good old moan!