Is he lying? Or is there more going on here?

[Splishsplashsplooshsplosh]

Me and DH have just had another row about the same old thing. What happens is
I got angry about something, angrily tell DH about the thing (for example today it was about how shit our internet connection is!) And DH starts getting angry at me. When I ask him why he's angry with me he says I started it by being angry at him. But I wasnt. I was angry at Sky (or whatever the thing is)
We did speak about it afterwards and he says he can't tell the difference between me being angry at something and being angry at him. He feels like I'm blaming him so needs to defend himself. But I just can't see how anyone WOULDNT be able to tell the difference. How could I possibly be angry at him for our internet server being shit???
I'm starting to wonder whether he might actually have ASD or something. Some other members of his family do so it's not beyond the realms of possibility. Or maybe hes just taking any excuse to have a go at me?

This. ⬆️

It’s a PITA listening to angry rants.
You can only choose to change yourself, change the way you express frustration and you’ll both feel calmer.

I mean, you say yourself multiple times that you get angry and rant

What is that if not ranting and raving?

@SleepPrettyDarling gives some excellent advice OP! @Splishsplashsplooshsplosh
I think I have this same problem. I get frustrated at something and need to vent it but my DH takes it as personal criticism every time and gets upset and angry back and everything disintegrates between us.

Why do they get so defensive? Because we are all different! And labeling them and judging them is not helpful. ( though I do it too!) Unfortunately the only thing we can change is ourselves.

And maybe we need to make a bigger effort to meet them halfway. They don't seem to understand , so possibly we should give them some pre-warning that we aren't angry and just need to let off steam... It does seem a more respectful way of bringing up an unrelated issue that they are not responsible for.

" I mean, you say yourself multiple times that you get angry and rant"

I don't think I did say that did I? I did get angry. I don't think I said I was ranting?

But ok.

I really don't see how you can angrily vent about something without ranting

Anyway, it's semantics. He's trying to tell you he's not happy with you how speak to him - that's significant. Even if you don't feel like you're ranting or being angry, that's possibly how you come across and he's telling you he doesn't like it.

I find other peoples emotions extremely hard to manage. Even though I know rationally my DP isn’t mad at me when his team lose at the rugby, it fills me with dread and puts my on edge.

For me listening to someone complaining or venting is like walking on eggshells and would probably feel the same as your husband if mine did it on regular basis. Even if you’re not angry at him perhaps tone of your voice suggests you’re going to take it out on him? My mum is like this, so when she‘s angry it’s better to run up the hill and it wasn’t nice when I was a child

I said something like this

God Sky are so shit. I really think we should think about changing provider soon. It lost connection twice when I was on a Teams meeting today and then about 4 or 5 times while I was trying to do an online exercise class this evening which was even more annoying. I bloody gave up in the end. Couldn't stand it. Drives me nuts.

What I think he somehow heard was

Sky are so shit. It's all your fault because you originally set up Sky about 10 years ago when we moved into this house.

Because his response was something along the lines of:

Well it's not my fault. Why do you always get angry at me about this stuff you're so unreasonable.

I mean I totally could try and say I'm not annoyed at you here but I need to get this off my chest before I speak. Would that do it?

xogossipgirlxo · Today 00:11

For me listening to someone complaining or venting is like walking on eggshells

I just don't understand this. Do you not ever complain about stuff?

I do find it interesting that most posters seem to be saying they agree with DH. I guess I'll have to try and modify my reaction to stuff.

For some people, listening ear isn't their strong point. It doesn't matter whether they moan too or not, that doesn't magically give them the ability or willingness to listen to someone else moan. If he's a fixer take a deep breath and try something like asking if there's anything he can suggest to improve the internet connection or would it be best to research other providers? You can't turn him into something he's not so if you need to moan, call up a friend and have a chat about life. Either that or break up with him so you can find a partner who doesn't mind providing a listening ear sometimes. Definitely try the thing about telling him you're not angry with him first though, may as well try everything before resorting to drastic measures. You don't have to understand how someone can feel the way they do, you just have to accept that's how it is. It's useful if you can understand their reaction, but if you can't, you can't - don't get bogged down with it.

I'm afraid I agree with the others, OP.

You say in your op that you told him 'angrily'. It's really hard being on the receiving end of someone else's 'anger' like that. Even if it's not directed at you personally. It can feel like it is. It triggers a fight/flight response in the person on the receiving end. Which is nornal.

As we teach children, anger is a normal emotion it's how you respond to it that counts. There are inappropriate and appropriate response. A more appropriate response would he to take yourself away until you've calmed down and managed your own emotions before approaching him to explain your frustration calmly and discuss a solution.

And, yes, that is how I deal with frustrations.

Just angrily telling someone something (which does imply agitation and a raised voice) is taking your frustration out on them as it disrupts their mental peace and stability. That's different to having a moan about something at work which can't possibly be addressed or fixed by a spouse at home.

I'm surprised at the responses because I think it's perfectly normal to vent about something without the person your venting to taking it personally. I have never had to preface a complaint about online banking by reassuring my husband that I don't blame him for Natwest's failings and even my kids can tell the difference between being annoyed near them and being annoyed AT them and we all sympathise with one another if its the former.

Perhaps we, and those around us, are unusually well-attuned to each other because I had no idea that so many people were unable to be near someone who is frustrated without assuming it's directed at them. I don't think it's healthy to never be able to express frustration without someone else making it about them, but perhaps it depends on your wider relationship as to whether it's an issue for not.

I do agree that you need to work on your communication but I would suggest that it's more of a two-way issue than just you needing to change OP.

"even my kids can tell the difference between being annoyed near them and being annoyed AT them and we all sympathise with one another if its the former."

So can mine. This is partly why I find it hard to believe /strange that he can't. But maybe it's because he's a "fixer" ?

I had no idea that so many people were unable to be near someone who is frustrated without assuming it's directed at them.

I know it's not directed at me but I still don't like hearing people get angry and rant or vent around me on a regular basis. It's just not very nice to listen to.

It sounds like OP's husband hears "I'm angry and you need to do something about it to stop me venting and moaning" whereas OP is meaning "this is frustrating me and I just need to get it off my chest".

That's because posters will argue blue is yellow on here.

I mean, I don't like it when I can hear that my friends and family are upset or frustrated because I feel sorry for them and wish I could help, not because the actual sound of their less-than-thrilled voice bothers me.

In many ways, I'd rather listen to my husband vent about his annoying day at work than listen to him mindlessly humming while he cooks, but I don't think it's realistic to live with others and never have to hear anything that I don't like to listen to.

I know what you mean and I have experienced the same. If I ever complain about something in the house eg shower isn't as powerful as it used to be or broadband is slow or dishwasher isn't washing as well, whatever it might be- I feel like my husband gets defensive about it! And I'm not blaming him it's like he just gets defensive about anything in the house!

I think I struggle with the "injustice" too. He's allowed to vent. He'll even shout sometimes - like if he's putting together flat pack for instance 🤣 but I know he's not shouting at me so I don't take it personally.

There are times when my wife rants about something, be it the broadband being slow or her (supposedly) smart tv giving her issues. Like the OP, she's not ranting at me but it's in my earshot.

Sometimes it's feels like it's my fault somehow and I do occasionally react like @Splishsplashsplooshsplosh DH.

I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of this. My ex DP used to moan relentlessly about how shit the WiFi was and "why did we decide to go with Virgin? It's just crap all the time". I knew it wasn't my fault it was crap but he would use this tone in his voice that suggested it was somehow a failing on my part because I was the one who set the broadband up.

It wore me down in the end.

There's nothing wrong with complaining about something OP but maybe just be aware of how you say it.

You said yourself in your post “I got angry about X, I angrily tell DH”- why are you ANGRILY telling him? You’re not annoyed at him, you’re annoyed at a situation or another person/company, so as an adult surely you can communicate that calmly with him? If I’m angry at our wifi, or TV, or anything really, I don’t tell DH about it “angrily”. There’s no need, it’s not his fault, he can’t fix it, he hasn’t caused it, I can separate my reaction to something from the person I want to tell about it.

I mean, I don't like it when I can hear that my friends and family are upset or frustrated because I feel sorry for them and wish I could help, not because the actual sound of their less-than-thrilled voice bothers me.

See - I wouldn't necessarily feel sorry for someone moaning (especially if it was something with an easy fix) but hearing someone moan and gripe and get angry about something really minor would bother me. And if it was happening regularly it would bother me a lot.

I don't relentlessly moan about stuff btw. Just sometimes. He'd be the first to admit that of the 2 of us he is the more negative one. He's a sort of natural pessimist, while I tend to assume things will work out. Which is probably why I get annoyed when they don't.

I guess the point is that he's not happy with the way you communicate things - only you can say if it's a genuine complaint or whether he's just being difficult.