Is he lying? Or is there more going on here?

[Splishsplashsplooshsplosh]

Me and DH have just had another row about the same old thing. What happens is
I got angry about something, angrily tell DH about the thing (for example today it was about how shit our internet connection is!) And DH starts getting angry at me. When I ask him why he's angry with me he says I started it by being angry at him. But I wasnt. I was angry at Sky (or whatever the thing is)
We did speak about it afterwards and he says he can't tell the difference between me being angry at something and being angry at him. He feels like I'm blaming him so needs to defend himself. But I just can't see how anyone WOULDNT be able to tell the difference. How could I possibly be angry at him for our internet server being shit???
I'm starting to wonder whether he might actually have ASD or something. Some other members of his family do so it's not beyond the realms of possibility. Or maybe hes just taking any excuse to have a go at me?

Mrsttcno1 · Today 08:45

You said yourself in your post “I got angry about X, I angrily tell DH”- why are you ANGRILY telling him?

I angrily moaned about it because I was angry.

The conversation went a bit like I posted upthread:

Splishsplashsplooshsplosh · Today 00:11

I said something like this

God Sky are so shit. I really think we should think about changing provider soon. It lost connection twice when I was on a Teams meeting today and then about 4 or 5 times while I was trying to do an online exercise class this evening which was even more annoying. I bloody gave up in the end. Couldn't stand it. Drives me nuts.

What I think he somehow heard was

Sky are so shit. It's all your fault because you originally set up Sky about 10 years ago when we moved into this house.

Because his response was something along the lines of:

Well it's not my fault. Why do you always get angry at me about this stuff you're so unreasonable.

I think this boils down to (some) men needing to be 'fixers'.

My DH does this. Every thing I moan about, big or small, he will come up with a solution. I didn't ask for a solution I just wanted a moan. Then he gets annoyed that I'm not grateful for his solution. Or defends himself if he thinks I'm moaning about him. It's so annoying!

Isn't it talked about in men are from mars, women are from Venus or something? Like a well known fact

I don't think it's necessarily a male/female thing. I don't have much tolerance for people who complain about (easily fixable) things but then never do anything to actually fix it.

I mean, if DH kept complaining that the internet connection is bad, I'd be telling him to look for a better provider instead of moaning about the current one all the time.

Well how angry is angry? You might not think you were shouting but if you're angry you're still likely to be raising your voice or using a certain tone.

Why are you triggered into anger so easily? Is be annoyed at the WIFI but I wouldn't need to angrily vent to the point that someone else feels targeted

On the other hand you talk about you think it's just an excuse to have a go. Does he often have a go? Why do you think he'd want to do that?

How are things in your relationship generally

margotrose · Today 09:07

I don't think it's necessarily a male/female thing. I don't have much tolerance for people who complain about (easily fixable) things but then never do anything to actually fix it

This is a bit unfair given I said "I think we should think about changing provider"
Not "you". So I was suggesting a fix myself?

@SleepingStandingUp to try and answer your questions
I'm pretty sure I wasn't shouting. If I had been the kids would have come in to check if everything was ok because we don't often shout in our house.
The WiFi is actually a fairly big problem, since I WFH half the time and it affects my work. I often end up having to work through my phone hotspot which costs me on the data. Although on a personal level I actually find having to abandon an exercise class without finishing more frustrating.
The reason I wonder if it's just a chance to have a go at me is because I genuinely can't imagine why he would think I was angry at him. I wasn't. If it was reversed I wouldnt think he was angry at me. So what happened was I was angry about something and moaning, he had a go at me.
He's not a bad person though. And it does seem like he genuinely can't tell the difference. Which is why I wonder if there's more going on.
As an example about 3 months into our relationship we had a minor row about something. Honestly can't remember what it was about because it was completely insignificant. He was cross, I was cross then we got over it. He said sadly afterwards "does this mean it's over then?" I was completely taken aback. It was a literally nothing row and I couldn't understand why he would even think it meant something big.

My point was that maybe he's just expecting you to find a new provider without complaining "angrily" to him about it first?

He possibly feels that you're the one with the problem so you should be the one to fix it.

If that's the case, then surely he is the one with the communication problem because instead of suggesting that, he had a go at the OP for being annoyed. If he can be forgiven for reacting to her tone rather than her actual words, then surely it's not unreasonable to hold him to the same standards.

The thing is I actually don't think he does it on purpose. It's like he can't tell the difference between me being angry and being angry at him. I find that unusual (and upsetting actually but I accept that's my issue) I've never had this with anyone else.

I still don’t understand the need to angrily tell someone about something just “because you’re angry”, when it isn’t their fault? As an adult, you should be able to separate your anger from a conversation, yes? This is something we are teaching our children even at school level, just because something irritates you/makes you angry doesn’t mean you have to or should pass that anger on to another person? Regulate your emotions?

"I still don’t understand the need to angrily tell someone about something just “because you’re angry”, when it isn’t their fault? As an adult, you should be able to separate your anger from a conversation, yes? This is something we are teaching our children even at school level, just because something irritates you/makes you angry doesn’t mean you have to or should pass that anger on to another person? Regulate your emotions?"

See maybe I am the one with the problem because this feels unfair too.
How should my comment have gone differently? Should I have not mentioned anything? Was it the swear words? I do have a tendency to swear but I do it in general chat so it's not an aggressive thing. I didn't shout. I would say it's impossible to not get angry but I was regulating my emotions to the point that I wasn't blaming anyone, just moaning about Sky. Why is that bad? How was I passing my anger onto him? I was telling him I was angry and why.

@DysmalRadius maybe he feels that he shouldn't have to say that to a grown adult.

I mean, if I had a problem with the internet and wanted to change providers I would look up some deals and options and talk to DH about it. Maybe he expects her to do the same.

@margotrose I don't believe you. I think saying "I think we should change provider BC ours is shit" and seeing what he says is what most people would do. Then if he said "yeah maybe" or something you'd look into it further. I don't think most people would say "I think we should change providers here is a list of the pros and cons of various providers in our area" as a starting point.

I mean, I did just that a couple of years ago when we had constant problems with our connection, but you can believe what you want I guess 🤷‍♀️

Well perhaps you have a lot of time on your hands then

Read your own post back, you said yourself you told him ANGRILY. Those were your words. That’s the truth of what you did, you’re trying to defend and backtrack now because people don’t agree with you, but you said yourself that you told him ANGRILY.

There is no need whatsoever to communicate this with him “angrily”. It’s not unfair to expect your partner to discuss things with you in a neutral and calm way, what is unfair is you angrily speaking to your partner and being shocked that he has a problem with it. I would too, so would most people.

I basically said "Sky have been shit recently - I had a look and BT have a decent offer for only £15 a month at first - I can get someone out while I'm off next week to swap us over?"

That's how I've always dealt with situations like that - and I'd expect DH to do the same (and he has, on multiple occasions).

It takes a matter of minutes to look up what other providers offer - it's hardly a massive task.

For me it depends how often it happens. I get being annoyed at things from time to time, but if you're a chronic moaner and you always go to your husband to offload these frustrations, I can understand where he's coming from. No one wants to be anyone's emotional dumping ground, and no one wants to be around someone who just moans constantly about trivial things (like the internet connection being dodgy, I can't imagine getting worked up to the point of anger and ranting about that tbh)

If it's once a month or so you're getting pissed off and having a moan about something, fair enough. If it's every other day, I wouldn't want to deal with that either. Anger is anger. Whether it's directed at you or not, it's not nice to be around regularly.

So what pp are saying is it's unreasonable for me to be angry at Sky for example. But completely normal for him to be angry at me for being angry (albeit not with him) in the first place.

It reads more like he's frustrated because he feels you're taking your anger at SKY (or whoever) out on him rather than doing something about it, I guess.

If you like having a vent or a rant maybe it would be better to save it for your friends or something?

DH rants every time he vacuums that the vacuum is shit, every time it feels like I’m being told off even though I know it’s at the vacuum. It’s horrible being on the receiving end of it, even if you know it’s not about you.

No, people are saying that it's unfair to take your anger at sky out on him, OR that the way you communicate your anger is obviously not working in this relationship and something needs to change. His getting defensive and angry in response is a separate issue, no one is saying it's ok, but that it's understandable under the circumstances.

I'd be frustrated too if my partner was constantly getting worked up to the point of ranting about stupid trivial things like Sky. It's like living with a grumpy old man. It's not pleasant!

It’s not unreasonable for you to be angry at Sky, what’s unreasonable is you going to your partner ANGRILY with your anger. If you’re speaking angrily to him, of course he’s going to get his back up and speak angrily back?

Again, we teach this in primary school to kids. You don’t communicate with other people angrily just because you are angry at something else.

You are not ranting into a void, though. Your negative energy about these problems is being sent in his direction. That is what he is responding to. He senses the anger coming at him, and he does not feel like he deserves it, hence his reaction. Your mood affects others.