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Original poster

Older female neighbour being very pushy about being friends with my children and I.

135 replies

EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 18:02

I wasn’t really sure where to put this. But I’m not sure what to do! Maybe I just do nothing?!

I live in a small village and about a year ago, a couple moved into one of the adapted cottages, a couple of minutes walk from my house.

The husband has health problems and the woman seems to have some mobility issues but otherwise in good health. They seemed quite keen to meet people when they moved (from far away) and I felt a bit sorry for them I suppose as nobody else in the village seemed to be making an effort.

So I was generally warm and friendly and invited them round for a coffee. That quickly escalated into them wanting to be invited round to our house for a drink one evening. The woman basically invited them and was a bit pushy “when would you like us to come round ? Would next Friday work for you?” I wasn’t really up for it as I have very young children and am always shattered … but my husband pointed out that they are probably just a bit lonely and we should be kind and invite them just once. We did and I was so tired the whole time and was quite firm at around 10 that I needed to go to bed.

since then (over the last few months) I’ve had at least one message a week from the woman asking if we can meet up, she loves kids, my girls are so gorgeous , if I ever need her to look after three she can… if I don’t reply she sends a chaser message. She brings them presents that she has made (I know I sound awful) and knocks on the door unannounced when I’m WFH to drop them off and then tries to pin me down to when we could meet up.

The last time she knocked on the door, she started saying things like “I know you’re a very busy person, you should take help when it’s offered, I really love those girls… My grandchildren are 250 miles away, I just want to spend time with them”. I politely took in the gift and send her a thank you message but that wasn’t enough and she’s now asked again when we could meet up with her.

I have a job, a side business, two small kids, a husband who works long hours and an elderly father to look after. I don’t see my long standing friends very often as I don’t have time. i don’t want to feel like I “owe” someone something and don’t want to pursue a friendship with this pushy woman (or let her be some sort of proxy grandparent to my children) which I think is what she wants!

I don’t have the guts to say “please leave us alone” as she seems nice enough just a bit eccentric and lonely ? I don’t think there is anything sinister going on… but the pushiness and persistence is rude.

I’ve tried not replying to messages at all, replying but being vague/succinct but polite etc and she isn’t getting the message. Am I going to have to be really firm ? Or just completely ignore her until she stops ?

(currently I am polite and do send short and vague responses to things but after a couple of days).

I know she will make my kids things for Halloween and Xmas and drop them off :-(

I do feel sorry for her but have so many demands on my time already , I just want her to go away (I know I sound awful!)

we should never have invited them round ….

Has anyone dealt with this?!

OP posts:
Original poster
EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 18:03

She lives kids = she loves kids

OP posts:
dancemom · 09/10/2023 18:13

I have a job, a side business, two small kids, a husband who works long hours and an elderly father to look after. I don’t see my long standing friends very often as I don’t have time.

Tell her exactly this

You were being friendly and welcoming her to the area but you simply don't have time to commit to regular meet ups

Speckson · 09/10/2023 18:34

EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 18:03

She lives kids = she loves kids

My aunt used to live on a very small estate - she loved children - she had none of her own and was widowed quite young - and the neighbours kids used to go round to her house to play - she became an unoffical auntie to many of them. They used to just go round and knock on her door - no parent meetups involved.

If she's that keen, couldn't you ask her to babysit? Or maybe she could get involved with a local playgroup or something like the Brownies, they are always desperate for helpers.

Nagado · 09/10/2023 18:37

If she keeps asking, maybe say something like ‘oh no, I can’t commit to anything at the moment as our working hours are a bit up in the air, so we’re either out catching up with friends or having family time whenever we get some time off.’ And just keep repeating. If she offers you childcare, it’s very sweet of her but you’ve got that sorted. If she keeps bringing presents around, tell her it’s very sweet of her but you’re desperately trying to get rid of stuff prior to Christmas and you just don’t have the room.

She doesn’t love your girls because she doesn’t know your girls. And instead of trying to let something develop naturally, she’s trying to force something that isn’t there. I wonder why she’s moved so far away from her grandchildren? That would make me wonder.

TomatoSandwiches · 09/10/2023 18:39

Her insistence at seeing your children has set my hackles right up and I wouldn't be taking up any babysitting offers.
Stop answering the door to the hand made presents, tell her to send them to her grandchildren.
Why has she moved all this way from them?

Original poster
EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 18:52

I don’t know why they moved … other than they wanted to live in my particular part of the UK

OP posts:
Dowhadiddydiddydum · 09/10/2023 19:22

I mean the ideal approach would be to say sorry but I’m not interested in meeting up and won’t be asking you to look after the children.

However- I could never be that blunt.

I think maybe if it were me I would say something like “I’m very busy and don’t think I’ll have any time for dinner or coffee sorry.” Then I would completely ignore text messages.
Do you have a ring door bell? If so I would ignore her calling at the house too.

You can be too nice. I’ve made this mistake before, some people don’t get subtle hints.

IAmHeartless · 09/10/2023 19:25

Speckson · 09/10/2023 18:34

My aunt used to live on a very small estate - she loved children - she had none of her own and was widowed quite young - and the neighbours kids used to go round to her house to play - she became an unoffical auntie to many of them. They used to just go round and knock on her door - no parent meetups involved.

If she's that keen, couldn't you ask her to babysit? Or maybe she could get involved with a local playgroup or something like the Brownies, they are always desperate for helpers.

Edited
Show quote history

Hell no would a stranger be babysitting my kids that I didn’t know and told me they loved my kids and basically wanted to adopt grandchildren as they missed theirs. If it happened naturally with friends then that’s one thing, this is different.

CalistoNoSolo · 09/10/2023 19:29

I think you've really muddied the waters by accepting the presents that she makes. You need to be much more blunt and tell her you don't need childcare from her ever. Why are you answering the door to her when you're meant to be working?

thecatsthecats · 09/10/2023 19:38

I'd find it a bit of a red flag that she's insisting that you "need" to accept her help and that she "loves" your kids.

She wants your children - so she tells you that you need the help. She barely knows them. I'd never say that I loved a child I'd met that infrequently - because you can't. She has some jolly little fantasy at best, and your kids aren't there to fulfill it.

(My MIL insists that we'll need her help a lot, and doubtless we will - but we know that her insistence strongly comes from a place of wanting to have them for herself, which is a bit off-putting.)

Original poster
EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 19:46

@CalistoNoSolo Erm…. Because I have a solid wood door so I can’t see who is there until I open it… and sometimes we get parcels ?!

OP posts:
Original poster
EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 19:49

I'd find it a bit of a red flag that she's insisting that you "need" to accept her help and that she "loves" your kids.

Yes I found this off putting . Almost admonishing me not “accepting help when it’s offered”. I felt I was being told off.

Don’t worry I have no intention of letting someone I barely know look after my kids !!

OP posts:
MariePaperRoses · 09/10/2023 19:50

' I don’t have the guts to say “please leave us alone”'

Find the guts as being a complete pushover is a poor role model for your children.

It's perfectly ok for you to repel the over attentiveness and demands of other people.

twiirlywoo · 09/10/2023 19:52

Get a ring door bell so you can ignore her when she knocks. She sounds too much I would hate this!

AutumnWellyBootsandScarf · 09/10/2023 19:56

ok coming from the other direction... are there no times when you're WFH or busy with your side hustle that having her entertain your kids, in your house, while you're there, would help you out?

Original poster
EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 19:57

@AutumnWellyBootsandScarf Yes but i would ask someone that me and my children know well. And trust.

OP posts:
StarlightLime · 09/10/2023 19:59

Speckson · 09/10/2023 18:34

My aunt used to live on a very small estate - she loved children - she had none of her own and was widowed quite young - and the neighbours kids used to go round to her house to play - she became an unoffical auntie to many of them. They used to just go round and knock on her door - no parent meetups involved.

If she's that keen, couldn't you ask her to babysit? Or maybe she could get involved with a local playgroup or something like the Brownies, they are always desperate for helpers.

Edited
Show quote history

Why should op indulge her by giving her access to her children? You'd have to wonder why, if she's so desperate for the company of little children, she moved so far away from her own grandchildren.

Original poster
EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 19:59

Find the guts as being a complete pushover is a poor role model for your children.

in what way am I being a pushover ? I don’t actually do what this woman wants. I just don’t want to be horribly blunt unless there’s no other way

And FYI My kids know nothing about it as she doesn’t have access to them / never sees them…. So in what way am I being a poor role model to them??!

OP posts:
PedrosHag · 09/10/2023 20:00

Get a video doorbell and stop answering the door to her.

CalistoNoSolo · 09/10/2023 20:03

EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 19:46

@CalistoNoSolo Erm…. Because I have a solid wood door so I can’t see who is there until I open it… and sometimes we get parcels ?!

Edited

Erm... and yet you accept the gifts and stay to chat. I get parcels all the time. I'm rarely home in the day but the parcels are still delivered just fine 🙄

Original poster
EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 20:07

@CalistoNoSolo I don’t chat for long! I say I am working and need to get back. And I do need to answer the door for deliveries. Just because you don’t doesn’t mean I don’t need to ? People who WFH do normally answer the door you know. Not quite sure why you’re focusing on this tbh. Bit odd.

should I just say “I don’t want those presents” just close the door in her face?

OP posts:
StarlightLime · 09/10/2023 20:10

CalistoNoSolo · 09/10/2023 20:03

Erm... and yet you accept the gifts and stay to chat. I get parcels all the time. I'm rarely home in the day but the parcels are still delivered just fine 🙄

Show quote history

How?

Pottomous2 · 09/10/2023 20:11

Ignore messages and don’t reply. Always tell her you are busy and can’t chat/stop/meet up ..,just repeat the same things all the time and when she tries to tell you she can baby sit, just smile and say “no thank you”.
this woman is odd. Seriously weird . There is a reason she is not living near her own kids!

looking4pup · 09/10/2023 20:12

You owe her nothing. Good on you for not sending your kids round to hers. Seems like that's what some on here would do.

Original poster
EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 20:13

Ignore messages and don’t reply.

This is something I haven’t done yet, complete ignoring.

I also don’t have a camera door bell which I should probably get.

thanks to those of you actually trying to help!

OP posts:
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