Older female neighbour being very pushy about being friends with my children and I.

[EezyOozy]

I wasn’t really sure where to put this. But I’m not sure what to do! Maybe I just do nothing?!

I live in a small village and about a year ago, a couple moved into one of the adapted cottages, a couple of minutes walk from my house.

The husband has health problems and the woman seems to have some mobility issues but otherwise in good health. They seemed quite keen to meet people when they moved (from far away) and I felt a bit sorry for them I suppose as nobody else in the village seemed to be making an effort.

So I was generally warm and friendly and invited them round for a coffee. That quickly escalated into them wanting to be invited round to our house for a drink one evening. The woman basically invited them and was a bit pushy “when would you like us to come round ? Would next Friday work for you?” I wasn’t really up for it as I have very young children and am always shattered … but my husband pointed out that they are probably just a bit lonely and we should be kind and invite them just once. We did and I was so tired the whole time and was quite firm at around 10 that I needed to go to bed.

since then (over the last few months) I’ve had at least one message a week from the woman asking if we can meet up, she loves kids, my girls are so gorgeous , if I ever need her to look after three she can… if I don’t reply she sends a chaser message. She brings them presents that she has made (I know I sound awful) and knocks on the door unannounced when I’m WFH to drop them off and then tries to pin me down to when we could meet up.

The last time she knocked on the door, she started saying things like “I know you’re a very busy person, you should take help when it’s offered, I really love those girls… My grandchildren are 250 miles away, I just want to spend time with them”. I politely took in the gift and send her a thank you message but that wasn’t enough and she’s now asked again when we could meet up with her.

I have a job, a side business, two small kids, a husband who works long hours and an elderly father to look after. I don’t see my long standing friends very often as I don’t have time. i don’t want to feel like I “owe” someone something and don’t want to pursue a friendship with this pushy woman (or let her be some sort of proxy grandparent to my children) which I think is what she wants!

I don’t have the guts to say “please leave us alone” as she seems nice enough just a bit eccentric and lonely ? I don’t think there is anything sinister going on… but the pushiness and persistence is rude.

I’ve tried not replying to messages at all, replying but being vague/succinct but polite etc and she isn’t getting the message. Am I going to have to be really firm ? Or just completely ignore her until she stops ?

(currently I am polite and do send short and vague responses to things but after a couple of days).

I know she will make my kids things for Halloween and Xmas and drop them off :-(

I do feel sorry for her but have so many demands on my time already , I just want her to go away (I know I sound awful!)

we should never have invited them round ….

Has anyone dealt with this?!

@YoghurtCoatedMeerkats thank you so much

She really doesn't. She's being harassed.

Her feelings are not your responsibility.

You have been kind enough but this is the end of the road. Must be really annoying/stressful having this crap to deal with

I could imagine being in this situation as I would find it very difficult to be blunt to the woman's face and then get frustrated and annoyed because she didn't stop doing what she was doing.

I've been thinking about this and I think I would try to pawn her off on someone else or a group. There must be a church group or a volunteer group who would welcome someone who is lonely with too much time on their hands. Send them an email with her home address or say it to them when you see them in the locality. Tell them she's shy so they will need to make a special effort to encourage her to go along?

Do the grandchildren really exist? Very strange that they would up & leave them for a location only to arrive at said location & try to find pseudo ones.

Something is very very off about this couple & were I in your shoes I would feel I was being groomed. I would be absolutely clear that she was NEVER looking after my children. Her offence, feigned or otherwise, would be inconsequential to me.

I have known of many elderly predators. One local man was convicted in his late seventies after decades of offending. He was considered a friendly little old man by everyone. His age & frailty worked entirely in his favour.

You won’t be the first to tell her to go away and watch the change in her when you do.

She sounds like a nuisance. I imagine you as Elizabeth living next door to a Hyacinth Bucket. I turned the ring doorbell sound notification off as it was incredibly loud, and we just use our normal doorbell chimes.

I agree. All the neighbour wants to do is babysit a random person's children because she's decided she loves them and her own are far away so rather than finding ways to be near her own, she is just taking someone elses. OP how can't you see how wicked it is to not hand your children over to this stranger whenever she wants them?? Honestly

Why do I have a feeling that the “far away” where they came from is in the North and you are in the South? I think they are experiencing a bit of a culture shock. People who have grown up in communities where they are in and out of each others’ houses all the time find it hard to understand that not everyone likes that.

You should find a way to introduce her to Mumsnet/Gransnet- that will give her endless hours of “chatting” to fill her time!

It’s hard. I am ashamed to admit that I often avoided our elderly neighbour because once he started talking that was you stuck for an hour, slowly backing away and, if I’m honest, the conversations were pretty boring. He did die eventually, how much older than you is this woman…?

could you compile a list of things that are going in the village that might keep her busy and subtly give it to her, she sounds like she has too much time on her hands.

• knitting club
• biok club
• bingo
• coffee mornings
• etc etc etc

Send a polite message making it clear you are too busy and then block so you don't have to see any more messages. Doorbell camera. Simples.

It’s funny, when I want to be friends with someone, I feel I should invite them round to my house! She’s asking you to provide the hospitality and pre-visit tidy up too!

I'm going through something similar with someone very overbearing it's a bit too outing to go into detail on here but my plan of action is basically just not be available, text messages get shorter, limited conversations- basically make myself as boring as possible and let the relationship die out naturally with hopefully no hard feelings.

As a PP asked, do you even know if she really has grandchildren? She’s incredibly fixated on yours. People who miss their grandchildren would normally want to talk about them, not embark on such a full-on campaign to “love” someone else’s.

It sounds like you haven’t been to their house so haven’t seen whether they have photos of their children and grandchildren on display. The woman asks to come to your house but doesn’t invite you to theirs, is that correct?

If so, there’s something very odd about this couple. It might not be anything sinister but whatever the reason, they are trying to involve themselves in your life but not inviting you into theirs, and trying much harder to get access to your daughters than is normal. They might just be very socially awkward, but I’m not sure about that given the way the woman is so pushy.

I prescribe some reverse psychology, OP.
Start door stepping her and inviting yourself round on a whim.
Make sure you give her your old newspapers and junk mail, and make sure you are rude and demanding with it: Tell her you could murder a brew, then look thunderous and demand to know where the darjeeling/artisan bread/gluten free biscuits are? Ask her to pass you the remote, and insist on watching Paedophile Hunters together.
Ask about her invisible partner while you're at it. When you finally choose to leave, either manufacture an argument or smile sadly and say that you've come to realise that you're both very different people, and that you won't be troubling her again.
People like this love the moral high ground.
Seriously, though, this nut job wouldn't be allowed to set foot on my property. Like fuck she wants to inveigle herself into your life to access your children. I would throw open my door when she appears, and remain silent, before saying "No" and closing the door. Not sorry, or maybe, or that doesn't work for me because.....she knows what she is doing, OP, and every single time you engage with her you give her power.

The OP is clearly a nice person who cares for others and didn’t want this lady to feel lonely. It’s a huge responsibility when you start to care for a neighbour but it’s a lovely thing to do.

It sounds like it’s back fired as you are home a lot, you work from home and she can pop by any time and invade your personal space. If she has your number, insist she checks you are free before she comes round (then keep saying you are busy, which you are). You’ve been really kind, now it’s for someone else in the community to step up and be welcoming, you’ve done your bit.

As she doesn't know your area very well you could give her the address of your local library and suggest she look up the list of activities held there during the week, and I'm sure they would have a list of all the local clubs and volunteering. You could then just say that you are very busy with work and family but you are sure she could find some people with similar interests at one of the local clubs/societies.

OP, I understand this is difficult. You're trying to not hurt her feelings, but she's not listening.
Can I suggest? .. It is USUALLY very normal these days for any deliveries you have ordered, you can track and see updates of arrival/email " it's on it's way". It also very usual these days for having an alternative place for parcels if you're not in. Round the back/behind the bin/next door/or collection point. So you really can be a bit more proactive with this, so you don't have to open the door every time you hear a knock!
You will get unexpected parcels, but people live their lives and the carrier will leave rearrange delivery details or leave with a neighbour ( so again, you will already know when it's expected.
Out of these times, you no longer need to open the door!

You can also put specific numbers on mute or DND, you can also choose for certain numbers to overide DND (close friends/family/partner/GP etc. So you're not actually physically seeing her calls/texts & getting anxious or annoyed when she's becoming insistent.
Finally a nice generic but firm message " Thank you very much for (offer to babysit/homemade gifts - blah/blah) as PP have already said " So very busy at the min, 2 jobs, small children, limited spare time, which has to be with children/partner, because you're so busy and need special family time etc"
And REPEAT, then repeat, leavings days between contact.
I think many of us can relate regarding an overzealous friend/neighbour. She will get the message, but you also have to be just as insistent back.
Good Luck

God mumsnet throws up some ridiculous responses.

Of course the op isnt rudely rejecting all conversations bluntly from a friendly neighbor..generally that would be unkind

She is looking for a kinder way to let this woman know she doesnt want a friendship

Op..you can be assertive and clear ...and sadly have to accept it will be somethinf she is unhappy about hearing

The one thing you can be very firm abiut is saying sorry we have lots of help for the kids and really do not want to take up other offers from outside family .but thanks.

Well you sound like an ungrateful woman who really has no idea how lonely your neighbours might be.

She clearly isn't picking up on social cues. Sounds like you will have to be firm about things.

I've heard the phrase "good fences make good neighbours". She may well be hurt when you install a fence but she'll get used to it and you'll get some peace. 🌹

Get a ring camera. It'll detect movement and send a notification to your phone/alexa. You can identify your drive etc

But I'd send a text also
'Hi, I've not been able to reply recently due to being super busy. All my free time is dedicated to our family. I'll have to decline your offer to babysit as we have family close by who jump at the chance. I hope you've had the chance to make some friends in the village now. Op'

You know these people that want adopted grandchildren where they live? That’s her. She wants kids in her life around her

she is welcome to move to my street. Due to death or disinterest, my kids would love an older person around to spend time with!

@Theoldwoman - are you the OP's neighbour?

Maybe she just doesn't need a new friend at the moment, and you need to get out and about and make your own life. eezyoozy is not responsible for making her neighbour happy - and why does she have to be grateful for something she never asked for??

No way would I be letting this (basically unknown) person in to my already busy live. Her grandkids being further away does not give her automatic right to other people's kids. Keep being busy, keep having other things on, keep being unavailable. Perhaps suggest local clubs/activities she might enjoy, encourage her to build a life that's not dependent on you. Don't feel guilty.