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Original poster

Older female neighbour being very pushy about being friends with my children and I.

135 replies

EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 18:02

I wasn’t really sure where to put this. But I’m not sure what to do! Maybe I just do nothing?!

I live in a small village and about a year ago, a couple moved into one of the adapted cottages, a couple of minutes walk from my house.

The husband has health problems and the woman seems to have some mobility issues but otherwise in good health. They seemed quite keen to meet people when they moved (from far away) and I felt a bit sorry for them I suppose as nobody else in the village seemed to be making an effort.

So I was generally warm and friendly and invited them round for a coffee. That quickly escalated into them wanting to be invited round to our house for a drink one evening. The woman basically invited them and was a bit pushy “when would you like us to come round ? Would next Friday work for you?” I wasn’t really up for it as I have very young children and am always shattered … but my husband pointed out that they are probably just a bit lonely and we should be kind and invite them just once. We did and I was so tired the whole time and was quite firm at around 10 that I needed to go to bed.

since then (over the last few months) I’ve had at least one message a week from the woman asking if we can meet up, she loves kids, my girls are so gorgeous , if I ever need her to look after three she can… if I don’t reply she sends a chaser message. She brings them presents that she has made (I know I sound awful) and knocks on the door unannounced when I’m WFH to drop them off and then tries to pin me down to when we could meet up.

The last time she knocked on the door, she started saying things like “I know you’re a very busy person, you should take help when it’s offered, I really love those girls… My grandchildren are 250 miles away, I just want to spend time with them”. I politely took in the gift and send her a thank you message but that wasn’t enough and she’s now asked again when we could meet up with her.

I have a job, a side business, two small kids, a husband who works long hours and an elderly father to look after. I don’t see my long standing friends very often as I don’t have time. i don’t want to feel like I “owe” someone something and don’t want to pursue a friendship with this pushy woman (or let her be some sort of proxy grandparent to my children) which I think is what she wants!

I don’t have the guts to say “please leave us alone” as she seems nice enough just a bit eccentric and lonely ? I don’t think there is anything sinister going on… but the pushiness and persistence is rude.

I’ve tried not replying to messages at all, replying but being vague/succinct but polite etc and she isn’t getting the message. Am I going to have to be really firm ? Or just completely ignore her until she stops ?

(currently I am polite and do send short and vague responses to things but after a couple of days).

I know she will make my kids things for Halloween and Xmas and drop them off :-(

I do feel sorry for her but have so many demands on my time already , I just want her to go away (I know I sound awful!)

we should never have invited them round ….

Has anyone dealt with this?!

OP posts:
areyouhavinglaugh · 09/10/2023 20:17

Yes you do need to say
I'm not interested in your offers of babysitting, thank you but no we don't need it and are not comfortable with your insistence either.

Avoid from there on In

MollyMarples · 09/10/2023 20:19

I would be very clear to her: I’m finding this communication too intense and would appreciate more privacy.

You don’t know her, don’t owe her anything and this whole, ‘she loves your kids,’ is too much. Sadly, the days of kids going round to the local old lady’s house are long gone.

Teachingteacher · 09/10/2023 20:21

I had a similar situation with a very elderly neighbour in my previous apartment building. She was widowed and so so lonely. I foolishly let her into my apartment a few times, and then I spent then next 5 years trying to avoid her.

She would knock on our door late at night (10-11pm) to bring us expired food from her freezer. She would find mouldy books in the recycling bins near our building and bring them over for my DC. She always seemed to have a health issue and would use my phone to make 15-min calls to her doctor about nothing.

It got so bad that we just had to start ignoring her. We stopped answering the door (once she knocked at 11pm for nearly 8 minutes! We timed it!). I would avoid leaving the building if she was around, even if it meant being late.

But I’m sorry to say OP, the only thing that worked was moving. We now live in a house in a different area and don’t have to worry about her anymore.

You’re going to have to be firm and set some boundaries. Would you ever feel able to say ‘no’ to a gift? I hate conflict and would never be able to do this, but perhaps you need to? Whatever you do, never ever let her babysit.

areyouhavinglaugh · 09/10/2023 20:21

And I post my response with a very similar couple who lived locally and where VERY similar! And my god it was like I had invited the devil into my home 😬

TheSweetEndOfTheLollipop · 09/10/2023 20:24

It's difficult, she seems very pushy, you aren't feeling confident, and she's overstepping boundaries hugely.

I would probably say to her that you appreciate the sentiment, but no one babysits apart from family. You are in the middle of a project so really don't want any unanounced visits, you have too much on and it disturbs your thought process etc. (I would probably get a video doorbell).

Say the local school (not your children's one) /hospital etc could do with volunteers. They can CRB check her and give her something to do.

You do need to be clear on your boundaries. Work out with your OH what you are happy with, if anything, and set that as a limit. I often tell people I'm a massive introvert and need loads of time on my own (I'm not particularly). It usually works.

Original poster
EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 20:32

Thank you all, some good advice and understanding here.

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 09/10/2023 20:32

No way would I accept the pushy childcare offers. She's incapable of taking a hint and you can't give her an inch unfortunately. When she inevitably brings the Halloween gifts, thank her and take them, but use that chance to say (by text if you can't manage it in person) - it's been kind of you but these will have to be the last ones so please don't bring gifts for Christmas and beyond or offer to look after the children any more. I'm finding it too much and want to take a step back. I'm sure the local X will be more appreciative of your efforts.' Something along those lines, nice enough but firm and unequivocal. Her distant grandchildren are not your problem and I can't help feeling like they'll be wanting your help in return before too long. Kids-wise, keep this in mind:

She doesn’t love your girls because she doesn’t know your girls.

Original poster
EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 20:38

Question about the door video cameras (may need to start a separate thread). I have a period house with an antique door and an antique bell button with old fashioned bell that rings inside. Don’t want to get rid of any of that. Can I have something that is a camera linked to my phone , that does not interfere with the exiting door bell or replace it ? I think what I need is just a small wireless cctv camera above the door maybe ?

OP posts:
Original poster
EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 20:40

She's incapable of taking a hint and you can't give her an inch unfortunately

yes you are totally right.

Despite not doing what she wants / not letting her spend time with my kids, I’ve been too polite and shouldn’t have let things carry on like this.

(But then again didn’t expect them to get quite this far…. I’ve not really been in this situation before).

OP posts:
MrsKarlUrban · 09/10/2023 20:41

Block her number tell her your phone is broken. Tell her you have a new role at work and it'll take all your time up. Suggest she goes to the church/community centre see if they do anything or need volunteers. Get a ring door bell
Good luck that would drive me potty

Newestname002 · 09/10/2023 20:42

EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 19:46

@CalistoNoSolo Erm…. Because I have a solid wood door so I can’t see who is there until I open it… and sometimes we get parcels ?!

Edited

Seems an ideal time to get a camera doorbell then OP. You might need to be quite blunt to her to prise her away from your life a bit. She may well take affront once you've been straight with her, but the relief once you have that space back in your life will be such a relief. 🌹

MuffyRogers · 09/10/2023 20:44

EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 20:07

@CalistoNoSolo I don’t chat for long! I say I am working and need to get back. And I do need to answer the door for deliveries. Just because you don’t doesn’t mean I don’t need to ? People who WFH do normally answer the door you know. Not quite sure why you’re focusing on this tbh. Bit odd.

should I just say “I don’t want those presents” just close the door in her face?

Well the nicey, nicey, approach doesn't seem to be working does it? So maybe you do need to stop answering the door, stop the presents & the chat if you want rid of her. It's harsh but she clearly sees you as encouraging her, by chatting, letting her and and accepting gifts.

Original poster
EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 20:46

Well the nicey, nicey, approach doesn't seem to be working does it? So maybe you do need to stop answering the door

As we have established I need to answer the door and don’t know who is there until I open it. As we have also established I am getting a door camera ! As I have also said - I don’t really stop to chat!

OP posts:
MuffyRogers · 09/10/2023 20:47

EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 20:46

Well the nicey, nicey, approach doesn't seem to be working does it? So maybe you do need to stop answering the door

As we have established I need to answer the door and don’t know who is there until I open it. As we have also established I am getting a door camera ! As I have also said - I don’t really stop to chat!

I don't know why you don't just tell her straight. What are you afraid of?

EasterFlower · 09/10/2023 20:49

At this point I'd be answering the door like... oh goodness - you again! And shutting it in her face.

Cherrysoup · 09/10/2023 20:49

I think you have to stop being so British! Push back, tell her you’re working, barely open the door. We have a neighbour who will step up onto the threshold unless I only open the door a crack. He can be quite invasive and I’ve learnt to not tolerate the endless chats. I came home sick from work today, really unwell and he wanted to chat, I had to be quite harsh and tell him I was really not well enough to chat.

I fear you’re going to have to be quite straight about this otherwise she will wriggle into your life. If you’re wfh, don’t answer the door, parcels can go next door.

MuffyRogers · 09/10/2023 20:50

EasterFlower · 09/10/2023 20:49

At this point I'd be answering the door like... oh goodness - you again! And shutting it in her face.

Exactly! Who's got time for all this pussy footing about!?

Phleghm · 09/10/2023 20:52

Gosh you poor thing. No good deed goes unpunished eh?
This kind of thing happens quite a lot where we live- it's a nice, quiet area in Wales and lots of people move here to retire. They leave their entire lives and families and up sticks and land here, knowing no-one and not really knowing the area. They tend to look for families to adopt them! Sadly, either the husband or wife dies leaving the other completely alone with nothing but a nice house and a lovely view. It's no way to be. My town is full of people like this and it's really sad.

ordinarybarbie · 09/10/2023 20:55

Deal of the day: Ring Outdoor Camera Battery (Stick Up Cam) | HD wireless outdoor Security Camera 1080p Video, Two-Way Talk, Wifi, Works with Alexa | alternative to CCTV system | 30-day free trial of Ring Protect amzn.eu/d/6lZE0J9

You can get one of these, no need to pay for the recording facility if you just want to look when someone rings your doorbell. Really easy to setup and to link to your phone.

Original poster
EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 20:59

I don't know why you don't just tell her straight. What are you afraid of?

I suppose I was afraid of absolutely crushing someone’s feelings when there may just have been a gentler way to make them get the hint (which clearly hasn’t worked but wanted to try first)

OP posts:
Original poster
EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 21:00

Thanks @ordinarybarbie !

OP posts:
Mistletoewench · 09/10/2023 21:09

EasterFlower · 09/10/2023 20:49

At this point I'd be answering the door like... oh goodness - you again! And shutting it in her face.

Oh god this did make me laugh, I wish I had the guts to do this

Doveytail · 09/10/2023 21:14

Op the ring doorbell doesn’t interfere with your existing bell if it’s set up properly. You will still be able to use your old bell as well .

TicTacNicNak · 09/10/2023 21:17

If you're getting a message a week about meeting up then next time bite the bullet with something like this...

"Doris, I know you don't know many people in the village too well, but I'm unable to commit to meet ups with you. I have a job, a side business, two small kids, a husband who works long hours and an elderly father to look after. I don't even have time to see my long standing friends very often. I would appreciate if you don't keep pressuring me to meet up. I'm also unable to accept your offers to babysit the children as I have enough family and friends to mind them when necessary. I'm afraid with most of my neighbours I have to make do with a smile, a wave and a cheery 'hello', so please don't take this personally, I'm just unable to stretch myself further. Take care, EezyOozy"

CatamaranViper · 09/10/2023 21:18

If she offers baby sitting, I'd say something like
"Ah that's very kind but to be honest, I'm very busy most of the time so my free time I want to spend with my children and husband. When we do need childcare, it's so important to me that the person we turn to is a very close and trusted family member or long time friend. Unfortunately my girls and I don't really know you and I just don't have time to make new friends right now."

If she knocks on with handmade gifts, I don't know how you politely refuse them, but the video doorbell will really work as you can choose to ignore her. If she leaves them outside for you, just leave them there. If she asks if you like them, just smile and say they're nice but don't engage.

I think you just keen to reinforce very strong boundaries, repeat a handful of polite but assertive comments. It'll sink in eventually I'm sure.