Older female neighbour being very pushy about being friends with my children and I.

[EezyOozy]

I wasn’t really sure where to put this. But I’m not sure what to do! Maybe I just do nothing?!

I live in a small village and about a year ago, a couple moved into one of the adapted cottages, a couple of minutes walk from my house.

The husband has health problems and the woman seems to have some mobility issues but otherwise in good health. They seemed quite keen to meet people when they moved (from far away) and I felt a bit sorry for them I suppose as nobody else in the village seemed to be making an effort.

So I was generally warm and friendly and invited them round for a coffee. That quickly escalated into them wanting to be invited round to our house for a drink one evening. The woman basically invited them and was a bit pushy “when would you like us to come round ? Would next Friday work for you?” I wasn’t really up for it as I have very young children and am always shattered … but my husband pointed out that they are probably just a bit lonely and we should be kind and invite them just once. We did and I was so tired the whole time and was quite firm at around 10 that I needed to go to bed.

since then (over the last few months) I’ve had at least one message a week from the woman asking if we can meet up, she loves kids, my girls are so gorgeous , if I ever need her to look after three she can… if I don’t reply she sends a chaser message. She brings them presents that she has made (I know I sound awful) and knocks on the door unannounced when I’m WFH to drop them off and then tries to pin me down to when we could meet up.

The last time she knocked on the door, she started saying things like “I know you’re a very busy person, you should take help when it’s offered, I really love those girls… My grandchildren are 250 miles away, I just want to spend time with them”. I politely took in the gift and send her a thank you message but that wasn’t enough and she’s now asked again when we could meet up with her.

I have a job, a side business, two small kids, a husband who works long hours and an elderly father to look after. I don’t see my long standing friends very often as I don’t have time. i don’t want to feel like I “owe” someone something and don’t want to pursue a friendship with this pushy woman (or let her be some sort of proxy grandparent to my children) which I think is what she wants!

I don’t have the guts to say “please leave us alone” as she seems nice enough just a bit eccentric and lonely ? I don’t think there is anything sinister going on… but the pushiness and persistence is rude.

I’ve tried not replying to messages at all, replying but being vague/succinct but polite etc and she isn’t getting the message. Am I going to have to be really firm ? Or just completely ignore her until she stops ?

(currently I am polite and do send short and vague responses to things but after a couple of days).

I know she will make my kids things for Halloween and Xmas and drop them off :-(

I do feel sorry for her but have so many demands on my time already , I just want her to go away (I know I sound awful!)

we should never have invited them round ….

Has anyone dealt with this?!

Her neighbours loneliness isn't her responsibility. Also the neighbour's behaviour is unreasonable and pushy.

"My aunt used to live on a very small estate - she loved children - she had none of her own and was widowed quite young - and the neighbours kids used to go round to her house to play - she became an unoffical auntie to many of them. They used to just go round and knock on her door - no parent meetups involved."

@Speckson that is a terrible idea.
^
OP please don't do that. The fact that she is insistent on spending time with your children and says things like she loves your girls without even knowing them properly is really odd and based just on that i would be keeping my distance.^

So she is buying children she doesn’t know gifts, she is also pressuring for gain access to those children without anyone else present. Yeah, she isn’t someone I would want on my street, nevermind anywhere near my children. She’s grooming them, and you’re currently letting her.

Buy a ring door, they will be on a prime offer I expect. She’s a neighbour so you don’t want to fall out. I would just wave if you see them, sorry in a rush etc. stop responding quickly to messages, leave it a while and then say really busy etc. hopefully she will get the message.

She sounds quite lonely, which is understandable given their relocation, is there anything going on the the village that she could get involved with? It may help her become not so reliant on you.

Good luck it’s a delicate situation, but if you could keep things on a friendly neighbourly basis, that would be ideal. It can become a living hell if you fallout with your neighbours.

Oh yes.

How is she letting her when she hasnt allowed the woman access to her kids?

Don't put the blame on OP. She's trying to kindly let a neighbour down without hurting her feelings. She's been friendly once and is now being harassed.

Nah she's some absolutely saddo who thinks it's funny to pretend to be the neighbour.

You sound like you can stick up for yourself just fine OP. Just use the exact attitude to the woman you have on this, and I'm not being sarcastic or smart I literally mean use the same attitude. This woman won't give up and you need to be firm, bordering on rude to her.

The ring door bell can attach to a wall it doesn't have to be the door.

I'm wondering if the woman's own grandchildren have moved far from her for a reason 🤔

People do come on threads to respond like cunts you are totally right. I think you sound really lovely and this is something I would do.

I would just ignore ignore ignore and let it fizzle out. You don’t owe her anything and it sounds stressful.

hopefully she will move 😂

I don't think you need to be rude, just firm. Its true that good fences make good neighbours, in other words good boundaries- physical and metaphorical are essential.
Smile, thank her for her gifts, ask the dc to make thank you cards occasionally if you like, but politely decline any requests for babysitting or socialisation. Make it clear that you won't be asking her to babysit, and just say you aren't the sort of person who wants to be in and out of other people's houses.
Where my dh grew up every other neighbour was Auntie this or Uncle that, and his mother would busy herself fetching shopping for elderly neighbours. Perhaps yours come from this sort of world, which doesn't really work now that the era of the housewife is over.

Are there any more obvious friendship groups you could point them in the direction of? Local groups and the like?

She’s grooming them, and you’re currently letting her.

How?? They never see her !! They don’t know who she is ! (Well no more so than any other random person in the village).

I think you’ve missed a massive flaw in your plan there- the lady IS a neighbour so the delivery man might leave the parcel with her and give her a cast iron excuse to call round!

Honestly, get a camera doorbell and a parcel store thing so deliveries can be locked in there instead of you answering the door.

Block her number or ignore her messages.

Ring security camera with video recording and microphone. You can see who is outside and speak to them if you wish without opening the door. You can also access this when you are away from the house as it is all linked to your mobile.

Good message.

Ah Doris has found the thread

She doesn't sound awful, Doris does. Pushy, not taking the hint, insisting she loves young children who she's met, what, twice? Well dodgy!!

You need to be firm with her. Tell her that you won't be meeting up, she won't be looking after your kids and that she needs to back off.

She's not being nice, she isn't worried about upsetting you by being pushy and overbearing so stop feeling sorry for her and do what needs doing.

I can sympathize. It is not your responsibility that this lady is lonely who cares lol you don't have to take on the burden and risk for a stranger just because it's sad she has no one.

You sound similar to me I have an Ill mum, two kids bussiness ect and there is barely anytime to see friends you do have. I really can't imagine trying to appease some stranger that has no boundaries. That must be so draining and uneasy to why she so keen to get to your kids. I don't even know how people have the nerve to just turn up unannounced demanding to come in. Jesus.

I would send her a msg or try have the balls when she next knocks to be like I'm really busy I can't commit to a friendship and point her in the direction of the church and local meetups to people with more time and just say thank you but I don't let people look after my kids who they don't know and wish her on her merry way. If she gets rude then I would drop the politeness and say she has no boundaries and you think she's unhinged.

OP has zero obligations to be grateful for something that she doesn't want, never wanted and didn't ask for. She also has zero responsibilities towards solving her neighbours loneliness.

This is really awkward (and one of the reasons I am very glad I no longer live in a village).

Unfortunately she is probably going to take offence regardless of how you avoid her.

In my case (and I had this on 2 occasions with different village people) I just continued to not take the bait. So not making arrangements and not stopping to chat with a well-worn "I'm afraid I can't stop as I'm running late" or "I have a something in the oven".

Also I had one of their grown-up children asking me to "keep an eye out" for their lonely (and mind-numbingly boring) mother and had to say "I have a mother of my own to look after thanks".

NOT your responsibility.

I don't necessarily think she's grooming your DC but if she is, she wouldn't be the first person to groom the parents first, ingratiating herself by doing favours etc. Although she's actually being really rude rather than charmingly disarming your defences.

We don't actually know why she doesn't live near her own DGC. All we know is she's moved to this town knowing nobody there. She may have not been living near her DGC at her last home. Her DC could have moved away from her because she's a PITA who doesn't respect other's boundaries.

I think it's far more likely that she wants access to the DGC as a way of making you indebted to her, hence trying to convince you that you need her help and trying to make you feel as if you're doing something wrong by not being grateful for/accepting the offer of help. It's gaslighting OP, you're doing nothing wrong.

Looking after the DC also has the advantage of building a relationship with them one-to-one, which would make it even harder for you to cut her out of your life at a later date because she lives next door the DC like her (I've no doubt she'd spoil them rotten to make sure of it) and would willingly go visit her, complaining endlessly themselves that you're being mean if you don't let them, and as they get older you'd find it impossible to prevent their visits anyway.

My guess is that once she'd invegled herself into your life and made you indebted to her with all these supposed favours of babysitting, she'd start lining you up as their carer and your DH as their odd-job man, because you're home all day and you're a woman, "it won't take long" and "it's no trouble for him to pop round for half hour" and stay to chat for another 2 on the weekend or after work. Requests to do her shopping as well as your own, requests to sit with her sick/disabled DH for "half hour" while she pops out all afternoon, requests to drive them to doctors appointments etc. Not to mention all the drinks evenings because she's desperate to get out of the house and talk to someone and you're conveniently there. And the outrage if you even think about refusing "after everything she does for you".

@EasterFlower yep I agree with a lot of that. Give her an inch and it’ll become a runaway train. I’m actually feeling pretty angry about it all today!

There’s a gender aspect in that once again there are demands made on women - even by other women - to oblige with providing the social and emotional labour.