Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Older female neighbour being very pushy about being friends with my children and I.

135 replies

EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 18:02

I wasn’t really sure where to put this. But I’m not sure what to do! Maybe I just do nothing?!

I live in a small village and about a year ago, a couple moved into one of the adapted cottages, a couple of minutes walk from my house.

The husband has health problems and the woman seems to have some mobility issues but otherwise in good health. They seemed quite keen to meet people when they moved (from far away) and I felt a bit sorry for them I suppose as nobody else in the village seemed to be making an effort.

So I was generally warm and friendly and invited them round for a coffee. That quickly escalated into them wanting to be invited round to our house for a drink one evening. The woman basically invited them and was a bit pushy “when would you like us to come round ? Would next Friday work for you?” I wasn’t really up for it as I have very young children and am always shattered … but my husband pointed out that they are probably just a bit lonely and we should be kind and invite them just once. We did and I was so tired the whole time and was quite firm at around 10 that I needed to go to bed.

since then (over the last few months) I’ve had at least one message a week from the woman asking if we can meet up, she loves kids, my girls are so gorgeous , if I ever need her to look after three she can… if I don’t reply she sends a chaser message. She brings them presents that she has made (I know I sound awful) and knocks on the door unannounced when I’m WFH to drop them off and then tries to pin me down to when we could meet up.

The last time she knocked on the door, she started saying things like “I know you’re a very busy person, you should take help when it’s offered, I really love those girls… My grandchildren are 250 miles away, I just want to spend time with them”. I politely took in the gift and send her a thank you message but that wasn’t enough and she’s now asked again when we could meet up with her.

I have a job, a side business, two small kids, a husband who works long hours and an elderly father to look after. I don’t see my long standing friends very often as I don’t have time. i don’t want to feel like I “owe” someone something and don’t want to pursue a friendship with this pushy woman (or let her be some sort of proxy grandparent to my children) which I think is what she wants!

I don’t have the guts to say “please leave us alone” as she seems nice enough just a bit eccentric and lonely ? I don’t think there is anything sinister going on… but the pushiness and persistence is rude.

I’ve tried not replying to messages at all, replying but being vague/succinct but polite etc and she isn’t getting the message. Am I going to have to be really firm ? Or just completely ignore her until she stops ?

(currently I am polite and do send short and vague responses to things but after a couple of days).

I know she will make my kids things for Halloween and Xmas and drop them off :-(

I do feel sorry for her but have so many demands on my time already , I just want her to go away (I know I sound awful!)

we should never have invited them round ….

Has anyone dealt with this?!

OP posts:
tara66 · 09/10/2023 21:20

You can now get Ring door bells that not only take videos but will also take messages. They can say something like ''We're not available right now but leave a message''.

CatamaranViper · 09/10/2023 21:21

tara66 · 09/10/2023 21:20

You can now get Ring door bells that not only take videos but will also take messages. They can say something like ''We're not available right now but leave a message''.

Oh god I'd hate that. If I'm avoiding someone I don't want them stood chatting to my door while I'm hiding on the other side.
I don't even have voicemail on my phone!

RobinStrike · 09/10/2023 21:22

en-uk.ring.com/products/video-doorbell-gen-2

This offer on the ring doorbell is good.

billybear · 09/10/2023 21:25

i have a parcel box by my front door for any parcels i yet, maybe dont answer the door for a bit , get a ringdoorbell so you know who is at the door, say im working from home,very big job on no free tim e just kkeep repeating

ilovebagpuss · 09/10/2023 21:29

I think if you have messages from her then you just need to compose a firm message among the lines of
You wanted to be welcoming and neighbourly but you don't want a closer relationship and she needs to stop coming over. You have many commitments on your time and your family provide help when needed. You hope they find friends in the community.
Not unkind but blunt and to the point.
She may reply but then ignore.

KissyMissy · 09/10/2023 22:07

TicTacNicNak · 09/10/2023 21:17

If you're getting a message a week about meeting up then next time bite the bullet with something like this...

"Doris, I know you don't know many people in the village too well, but I'm unable to commit to meet ups with you. I have a job, a side business, two small kids, a husband who works long hours and an elderly father to look after. I don't even have time to see my long standing friends very often. I would appreciate if you don't keep pressuring me to meet up. I'm also unable to accept your offers to babysit the children as I have enough family and friends to mind them when necessary. I'm afraid with most of my neighbours I have to make do with a smile, a wave and a cheery 'hello', so please don't take this personally, I'm just unable to stretch myself further. Take care, EezyOozy"

Great advice here

Glarptip · 09/10/2023 22:12

"my children and me"

Theoldwoman · 09/10/2023 22:13

You are 100% correct, you do sound awful!

Boundoverbyacat · 09/10/2023 22:16

You don’t owe her. Beyond that her insistence and statements that ‘she loves yours kids’ sound unhinged. I wouldn’t want my children anywhere near that couple. Sounds like grooming. She can go live near her own grandkids

Original poster
EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 22:18

Do some people just come onto threads with the sole intention of being cunts?

OP posts:
EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Millybob · 09/10/2023 22:20

Find your guts!
If you'd had any at the start, you'd have just said, 'Sorry, we don't do drinks!" I mean, who expects someone with a young family to be up for a 6pm G&T?
Block, block, blank ... it's the only way forward.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 09/10/2023 22:23

"I'm not able to do that at the moment, thanks very much, I'm in the middle of something, goodbye" or "We need our privacy at the moment, thank you, take care, goodbye".

Boundoverbyacat · 09/10/2023 22:26

Ha, call her a cunt, that’ll get rid of her!!!

my neighbour used to buy my child loads of presents. She had a child and I just never ever reciprocated until she stopped.

cherrypeachparfait · 09/10/2023 22:30

I think this is such bad luck. You’ve just been friendly and it’s really backfired. I am sorry for you.

My mum did something similar with a local farmer who was lonely and she had to hide from him eventually. He did get the message. I think just be much firmer with her. Try saying sorry I am in the middle of a call and I haven’t got time! And shut the door and run.

loneliness is SO sad isn’t it?

ScribblingPixie · 09/10/2023 22:35

dancemom · 09/10/2023 18:13

I have a job, a side business, two small kids, a husband who works long hours and an elderly father to look after. I don’t see my long standing friends very often as I don’t have time.

Tell her exactly this

You were being friendly and welcoming her to the area but you simply don't have time to commit to regular meet ups

This. This is exactly what you say. It's honest and straightforward and not hurtful.

RaceToTheMiddle · 09/10/2023 22:37

I can totally imagine this happening to me.

you need to do what @TicTacNicNak says. It’s polite x Good luck!

RaceToTheMiddle · 09/10/2023 22:38

If you say the above, it is fine. And if she does take offence that is 100% NOT your fault

Lennon80 · 09/10/2023 22:45

This is exactly the type of thing that happens to me and I find it really hard to say no as I feel sorry for people then end up with people I can’t shake off! My neighbour had a baby late in life and we have no garden fence - she’s always lurking when I’m in the garden and comes over when I just want a bit of peace. I feel for you! These situations are really hard.

NoSquirrels · 09/10/2023 22:46

Are there any suggestions you can make to her to redirect her attentions in a useful direction? A PP mentioned Brownies, or there’s volunteering for HomeStart if there’s one in your area, or getting involved with a local church tea & tots group, or whatever. There must be volunteer opportunities for her!

Vinrouge4 · 09/10/2023 22:53

She is obviously lonely and that makes her needy. I would kindly tell her how busy you are and that you just don’t have time for socialising then
point her in the direction of activities in the area. Could they join U3A? There are so many groups and outings for older people - there is bound to be something there that interests them. Or sometimes the local churches have coffee mornings and activities. Hopefully she will get the message that you aren’t interested.

Lavenderandbrown · 09/10/2023 22:54

The gifts are a ruse to gain access or friendship or make you feel indebted to her or simply an excuse to knock on your door. You can take or decline the gifts…a polite thank you I will give these to the girls but the gifts don’t entitle her to access. The gifts are meant to tug on your heartstrings.

CherrySocks · 09/10/2023 22:55

Coffee escalating into wanting to be invited for drinks one evening? And then trying to invite themselves round? This is not how polite people behave!

Original poster
EezyOozy · 09/10/2023 22:57

The gifts are a ruse to gain access or friendship or make you feel indebted to her or simply an excuse to knock on your door. You can take or decline the gifts…a polite thank you I will give these to the girls but the gifts don’t entitle her to access. The gifts are meant to tug on your heartstrings.

100% spot on. That’s exactly what’s happening.

sorry, I’ve been dealing with a poorly child, so haven’t had chance to reply to everybody this evening, but I really appreciate those who have tried to be helpful and am taking their suggestions on board.

OP posts:
YoghurtCoatedMeerkats · 09/10/2023 23:04

The gifts are a ruse to gain access or friendship or make you feel indebted to her or simply an excuse to knock on your door << this this this, all day long. This woman is inconsequential to you. She's nothing, so don't waste energy worrying about being kind or neighbourly. She knows exactly what she's doing and it relies on you being too nice to have boundaries.