Ds gas lighting Dd

[271726a]

So ds who's 16 has caused alot of problems in the family. This includes DV and aggression.

Things are better compared to what they were. But things are still hard and I kind of fucked up but I don't know how to manage it. Incase he kicks off. which is why I fucked up.

So basically he seems to be gas lighting. ( I think that's the right word) he sends me messages telling me DD is banging on the floor to annoy him and she's doing it on purpose. He does this often. He's on the 1st floor she's on the 2nd floor. A few days back I heard heavy banging . It sounded like parm of his hands slapping on his desk. As if pretending to play drums on the desk. I know it came from his room as I was in the hall way . He then send me a message demanding I tell her to stop. She had not done anything. I ignored him. But also I done fuck all about it. I'm really angry with myself.

He will do things like mute his tv to see if he can hear dd TV then he will get onto me again about sounds from her room.

Ds slept at his friends for 2 nights everything was so relaxed . Everyone chilling out doing their own thing . No hes back within 10 mins he was demanding.

Also whilst he's demanding no noise he's making more noise than anyone .

Please don't tell me to remove a a privilege we are way beyond that.

He does have emotional disregulation

I know I need to sort this I just don't know how.

I do have other threads regarding difficulties we have had.

My dbro used to do that.
I think the highlight was one time I was rewinding a tape and I heard him come upstairs (his room was ground floor) put his ear to the door and then two minutes later dm came in to tell me to turn the music down because it was too loud.
He used to play his music loud enough for the whole house to hear, and if me (or dsis) every complained we'd be given an excuse as to why he needed it. I think really dm was, as you are saying, afraid of his reaction, because he tended to blow up and manipulate her by saying how dreadful his life was.

I remember well the final conversation I had with dm on the matter. My music was so low that you literally couldn't hear it just outside my room with the door closed.
Me: "You were in the kitchen (directly downstairs) could you hear my music."
Her: "No, but it's really disturbing dbro". (his room was well away from mine)
Me: "If you couldn't hear it, there is no way he can hear it, let alone be disturbing him."
Her: "Well, if you won't turn it down, then I'll not ask him to turn his down when it's disturbing you."
Me: "You never do anyway, so that won't make any difference."
That was the first time I'd refused to do it, and I think dm probably went away and realised that she was being unreasonable.

If it's any comfort, dbro did a lot of growing up after the age of 16yo and was quite a reasonable person by 25

I'm not sure I'd go for confronting him, because I suspect you'll just get something else, and at least this one you know what's happening, and can ignore it. How does he react when you ignore it?

As the sister in this situation, what I would have appreciated would have been sympathy, acknowledgement that he's deliberately doing it, and agreement that you'd only speak to me about music being too loud if it was disturbing you and not on his say so.
If you think your dd might like it, then take her out and buy her a really nice rug and tell your ds that now he won't be able to hear a thing because it will stop the sound.

And maybe, if it's possible, take him out once a week, that will give him a bit of attention, and his sister a break from him.
I'd do something similar for your daughter too, so it's fair too.

Thank you for understanding. When i ignore him and he decided not to follow it up its a non issue. But when he starts chasing it up then it does causes issues . I try my best to explain to dd . But she really resents him which I don't blame her. And she's frustrated with me as well because. I can't fix it and we are still egg shells . I don't get why he does it I mean to purposely bang your desk and say it was his sister banging . Why do it. What's the point.

I do spend time with then separately when I can .

It sounds as if your son has some complex issues. Is he in contact with mental health services?

I don’t think you have fucked up. It’s very difficult picking your way through challenging behaviour in the family.

I don't get why he does it I mean to purposely bang your desk and say it was his sister banging . Why do it. What's the point.

A few possible explanations:

She's golden child, he's black sheep so he's trying to disrupt that.
He's bored and creating.
He has genuine grievances he feels aren't being taken seriously, he is redressing the balance as he sees it.

However, only every good family therapy and some years will have this out.

My son is the noisiest in the house but dislikes other people making loud noise. It's part of his neurodiversity. Have you talked to your son about using Boise cancelling headphones - so other peoples noise doesn't deregulate him. Alternatively some of the new ear plugs allow a lower decibel of sound to be heard so its impact is lesser. DD has flare calmer ear plugs for school as she find it too distracting.

That's all wrong ...

Yes there emotional disregulation and he's getting help on a DV programme. But he still can't coninue like this.

He won't do that . And the fact is she was (not ) banging he was doing the banging . Then demands that I tell her to stop banging wheh it was him.

I wasn't looking to be right I was just saying there are many many reasons that could be in his head, which you don't know, for why he's doing it. Almost always, people believe they are justified doing what they do. True unadulterated malice is rare. People tend to be right in their own heads.

BTW DV courses are notoriously unsuccessful. If he's been placed on one by a SW or GP, ask for their statistics about success rates.

have other threads regarding difficulties we have had.
Are you poster who has posted about wanting him to be accommodated by sw and there's been lots of difficulties with yours/his/and an elder daughters social workers and getting lots of differing advice?
Sorry things haven't changed if so.

I'm sorry for coming across moody. Yes it was placed on DV course by sw. I'm not surprised it won't work . Just another tick box I guess

Well it wasn't a (want ) you have some of it wrong . But probably mean me. Things have changed compared to what it was. Definitely been some positive changes. But I Need to put a stop to this shit he has going on against younger DD.

@271726a apologies. It was a suggestion from my experience of my own nd children doing similar things and blaming someone else. They were trying to control what they could hear by making louder noises, then blaming the other(s). I also work with troubled and neurodivergent adults so I've seen a wealth of reasons being given for someone's behaviour.

Unfortunately we can only take your post at face value, so others comments which you've dismissed and not true, might be what your son is perceiving as happening, even if it's not. The way someone perceives or feels something cannot be argued against. We do not know in that moment what the person understands the situation to be, and your son might look at the same information you have shared and think his sister is the golden child, favoured so acts out to get attention. For some, any attention negative or otherwise, is better than nothing.

I don't feel well enough to Keep explaining

I think you need lots of quiet chats with DD telling her you're in her corner and being open and honest that you know what DS is doing. And there isn't much you can do to stop him that won't make home life unbearable for everyone.
Then together you can grey rock his behaviour.
He's doing it for attention and the little power rush he gets from bothering people and getting away with it.
Maybe he has deeper issues and is acting out because of it but that isn't your DD's problem.

@271726a I do think.it would help if you maybe updated one of your other threads so you don't have to get stressed explaining again?

I do have chats with her. I try my best to explain things talk about how she feels etc . But as she says that does not change the fact he's controlling what she can and can't do. Whilst he's doing exactly what he wants she should not have to live like that .

I get what you mean . But people only tend to read the 1st op and then my update won't get seen .

I mentioned my brother earlier. I'm just reminded him of one day, he must have been about 7 or 8, and I was talking with Dm and there was this awful wail from dbro.

"What's happened?" dm called.
"MargaretThursday pushed me over."
Dm looked at me and called back "she's here with me."
"I meant othersister"
Dm: "She's here too..."
Silence.

I have absolutely no idea why he did that, but he did grow out of it a long time later without any therapy. Dm described him as "going through a difficult phase" from about age 7 through to age 23 or so. He almost certainly would have an ASD diagnosis (and I suspect he'd admit to it too) if he was a child today.

The only thing was that he did seem to like to disrupt quiet life. Maybe it was a sensory thing. I doubt he would even now be able to say why though. I suspect OP's ds would also not really be able to vocalise why he does these things.

I understand but it does now help how dd is effected she's 13 he's 16. It can't carry in like this for years to come.

@271726a
I agree. It doesn't help to understand. I remember at that time we all (dm included) had a bit of a giggle about it. Other times dm would believe him, or even if she didn't believe him, not call him out on it, which drove me crazy.

What I really disliked was that I felt that I (as the easy one out of the children) was always the one expected to compromise. I'd often agree something to keep the peace and find I was expected to compromise again and again as dbro changed his mind-I suspect it was about control. If ever I tried to stand up and say I didn't want to then dm would say "I can't tell him we can't-he's my son!"
However you don't seem to be doing that, so that's a good start.

Actually I think it may be about control for him. He's trying to control the family. He's trying to manipulate you to try and control his sister to show that he's in control of the family.

I think the idea of noise cancelling headphones is a good one. You could try giving them each a pair and telling them that you won't listen to any complaints from them about each other's noise-however you can still decide on your own that their music etc is too loud-because otherwise I suspect he'll take that as permission to be louder and "she can't complain".

I wonder whether every time he complains you react to it in a way that benefits her would work. So he complains she's being noisy; you take her out for McDs for dinner so "he can have an hour of peace" or similar? I don't know whether it would help him, but it might make her feel as though she's important-or it might make her feel that she's always being tucked away from him.

Does he have any hobbies? Anything that could get him out of the house and doing something with friends. What's he interested in (except being annoying!), and could you find something he could do that would be his thing, and something positive for him?

That's exactly it. Dd is not going to kick off like he does. So its safer and easier to as dd to over compromise.

I have to younger children as well. I can't or won't go out because he's being controlling . That means we can't be in our own home when we want to be. And dd just wants to chill with a bit of music.

Ds won't wear noise councilling head phones. He wants his music on so the sound fills his room . Which i do get. But he wants it all ways and the fact he will turn hus own music off to listen if he can hear dd music. He's on to me to tell her.

He does not have hobbies . On a positive note he is now doing a construction course which is 3 days a week finish half day in the Thursday. Not in on the Friday.

Is this the son that threw the bottle of hand wash at you?
If so this is a tiny part of your problem and you need him out of the house pronto.