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Original poster

Ds gas lighting Dd

106 replies

271726a · 06/10/2023 19:41

So ds who's 16 has caused alot of problems in the family. This includes DV and aggression.

Things are better compared to what they were. But things are still hard and I kind of fucked up but I don't know how to manage it. Incase he kicks off. which is why I fucked up.

So basically he seems to be gas lighting. ( I think that's the right word) he sends me messages telling me DD is banging on the floor to annoy him and she's doing it on purpose. He does this often. He's on the 1st floor she's on the 2nd floor. A few days back I heard heavy banging . It sounded like parm of his hands slapping on his desk. As if pretending to play drums on the desk. I know it came from his room as I was in the hall way . He then send me a message demanding I tell her to stop. She had not done anything. I ignored him. But also I done fuck all about it. I'm really angry with myself.

He will do things like mute his tv to see if he can hear dd TV then he will get onto me again about sounds from her room.

Ds slept at his friends for 2 nights everything was so relaxed . Everyone chilling out doing their own thing . No hes back within 10 mins he was demanding.

Also whilst he's demanding no noise he's making more noise than anyone .

Please don't tell me to remove a a privilege we are way beyond that.

He does have emotional disregulation

I know I need to sort this I just don't know how.

I do have other threads regarding difficulties we have had.

OP posts:
Original poster
271726a · 08/10/2023 20:03

BocolateChiscuits · 08/10/2023 19:42

I don't have any experience of this, so please excuse me if I'm just speaking unhelpful bollocks. Really my heart goes out to you, it sounds like such a horrible situation to be in.

Do you have any male friends or relatives who could be in the house when you need to have a difficult conversation with your son and are preferably the sort your son would avoid kicking off at? My DH is quite big and it constantly amazes me how little day-to-day low level aggression he gets. I get way more and I'm half his size, and the sort of person who automatically says sorry when someone walks into them.

Also, bit of a bizarre suggestion, but could you take some self-defence classes? It might help you to feel more confident around him. Because it looks like you're basically stuck living with a violent bully for now.

There is no one. But to be honest I want him to react in the way he chooses to react. Because then I have My answer. I need to know that I can confront him on my own.

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 08/10/2023 20:11

I really don’t think confronting him is the solution. Especially right now while you are so upset and unsettled.

But you don’t have to act on his every complaint. You can acknowledge what he’s saying without giving credence to it. You can even ask him what he wants to happen and offer understanding but no action.

If you do something completely different than what he is expecting it might change the dynamic.

Freddiefox · 08/10/2023 20:15

How would you feel about asking social services to take him for a bit?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Original poster
271726a · 08/10/2023 20:22

Freddiefox · 08/10/2023 20:15

How would you feel about asking social services to take him for a bit?

They won't

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 08/10/2023 20:24

If you surrender him to them citing that he is a threat to your family unit and other children and that you cannot parent him then they will take him

Original poster
271726a · 08/10/2023 20:26

AliceOlive · 08/10/2023 20:11

I really don’t think confronting him is the solution. Especially right now while you are so upset and unsettled.

But you don’t have to act on his every complaint. You can acknowledge what he’s saying without giving credence to it. You can even ask him what he wants to happen and offer understanding but no action.

If you do something completely different than what he is expecting it might change the dynamic.

The problem is when he gets onto me and starts demanding what are you going to do.

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 08/10/2023 20:27

if you make it clear and official they have a duty of care to house him and care for him. You may not get him back, but they will take him. They don’t want to because they would prefer to keep the family together, and there is a cost.

does dd have a social worker?

Original poster
271726a · 08/10/2023 20:28

Mrsttcno1 · 08/10/2023 20:24

If you surrender him to them citing that he is a threat to your family unit and other children and that you cannot parent him then they will take him

I have made a good few threads regarding my son and social services involvement. It is (not) as simple as that it's really not . Many people think it is. But it's not .

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 08/10/2023 20:43

271726a · 08/10/2023 20:26

The problem is when he gets onto me and starts demanding what are you going to do.

Show quote history

You might say, “I’m giving it some thought.”

Then change the subject. Is he in school? (Sorry I haven’t read your other threads.)

AliceOlive · 08/10/2023 20:53

You could even say “I’ll speak to her about this.”

The thing I find alarming though is his focus on her and getting her into trouble.

anon0007 · 08/10/2023 21:02

My brother is like this op. We don't speak.

I wish my parents had stuck up for me because even now I really resent them for how they handled each and every situation. He was a vile little cunt then and still was up until I cut him out my life when I was 19.

Original poster
271726a · 08/10/2023 21:04

I just want to post a kind of update compared to a few months or so back.

Where we were :

Ds in no from of education for over 2 years.
Aggressive and violent, smashing house up. Self harming , jumping out of first floor windows going out at 2am in the morning etc. Myself and the kids scared of him. Me begging for help via gp/CAMHS and school when he had been there .. nothing rejection after rejection. My son then over doses. Suddenly CAMHS wants to know. Things semi settle at home probably due to the over dose situation. Ds aggressive, violent, controlling nasty behaviour returns. It becomes to much i kick him out. Social services become involved.ds was at his sisters for one month. Social services say they Need to work with family etc . Deeper than that but to much to explain.

Where we are:

Ds Been going to CAMHS since his suicide attempt. He has been diagnosed with emotional disregulation. After a long time of not being in education. He's now doing a construction course. Ds also seeing someone about his domestic violence issues . The aggressive has become much less compared to what it was . I myself am doing a course for parents who have children with emotional disregulation. I'm also going to be doing a courses for parents/familys who have been victims of DV from a child. I'm also arranging for DD to get counselling through her school.

So as much as ds is still playing up. Still gas lighting and being controlling there has been an improvement compared to where we were. Im hoping that the disregulation course and the DV one that i will be doing will give me some tools/better thinking of how to manage things with him and confront him.

Since there has been an improvement Social services are nkt going to take him.

OP posts:
Original poster
271726a · 08/10/2023 21:10

AliceOlive · 08/10/2023 20:43

You might say, “I’m giving it some thought.”

Then change the subject. Is he in school? (Sorry I haven’t read your other threads.)

Show quote history

I just up dated on that actually. I have tried to do a past and present update. But in a nut shell version. Not sure if it will help. But for a quick answer no hes not been in school for at least a couple of years . I lost track but basically not been in school since covid started . But he's recently started a construction course. He's before there for around 3 weeks

OP posts:
ThreeLocusts · 08/10/2023 21:13

OP just to say sorry about the know-it-alls on here and I'm crossing my fingers that it goes well if you do confront him.

You have really been through it. Hats off to you for persevering and I hope things keep getting better, despite what DS is doing right now. Flowers

Original poster
271726a · 08/10/2023 21:14

AliceOlive · 08/10/2023 20:53

You could even say “I’ll speak to her about this.”

The thing I find alarming though is his focus on her and getting her into trouble.

I totally agree. I don't understand at all . What's it actually get him. I guess it's about the control. Just wont ever get why

OP posts:
Original poster
271726a · 08/10/2023 21:18

ThreeLocusts · 08/10/2023 21:13

OP just to say sorry about the know-it-alls on here and I'm crossing my fingers that it goes well if you do confront him.

You have really been through it. Hats off to you for persevering and I hope things keep getting better, despite what DS is doing right now. Flowers

Thank you. I don't think people are coming from a bad place. I just don't think thru fully understand and think through system is helpful or you cam just do this or that . When it's not that easy. I do think people are just trying to help though. It's just I have to step back from some of them posts because it would capture on for even.

Yes I hope it ends up ok

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 08/10/2023 21:20

Thank you for all the details.

How does he spend his time?

I think being completely unoccupied would exacerbate any emotional issues he has and bring in new ones.

Are you able to talk to him normally at all?

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 08/10/2023 22:01

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/10/2023 20:43

I don't get why he does it I mean to purposely bang your desk and say it was his sister banging . Why do it. What's the point.

A few possible explanations:

She's golden child, he's black sheep so he's trying to disrupt that.
He's bored and creating.
He has genuine grievances he feels aren't being taken seriously, he is redressing the balance as he sees it.

However, only every good family therapy and some years will have this out.

Or he's a dickhead and he's just making trouble?

Original poster
271726a · 08/10/2023 22:13

AliceOlive · 08/10/2023 21:20

Thank you for all the details.

How does he spend his time?

I think being completely unoccupied would exacerbate any emotional issues he has and bring in new ones.

Are you able to talk to him normally at all?

I ageee. If there's nothing to occupy hos mind at all he's hoping ti have thoughts going round in his head weather logic or not . He's on a construction course now. And doing a maths and English programme at the same place. I'm hoping this will help him .

No can't really have a normal conversation.

OP posts:
BlindBat · 08/10/2023 22:59

Mrsttcno1 · 08/10/2023 12:36

There is no easy way to say this OP but you simply have to be the parent, and actually parent your child.

Your son is telling lies about your daughter trying to get her into trouble, you know for a fact this is the case because you were stood there and heard him doing the banging, so you tell him exactly that. You tell him you know he’s lying, you don’t want to hear it, and he must stop. You won’t be engaging with his lies any longer- tell him that. By “ignoring” it, you aren’t preventing it, and he gets to keep some control.

You’re the parent, he’s the child. Not the other way around.

He “likes having his music on loud so the sound fills the room”- tough. He doesn’t have his own house, he shares the house with his family, that means everybody has to live harmoniously together. Music is fine, but at a low volume, or headphones is the answer, that’s not up for negotiation, that’s a fact.

You have a chance here to teach your DD that you do not let people walk all over you, bully you and torment you, no matter who they are to you. It’s NEVER acceptable for someone to treat you like that. Because one day she’s going to have a boyfriend who may gaslight here, or lie to her, or manipulate her, and if you set a good example here then when the time comes she will be able to know that actually nobody, even people who say they love you, should treat you badly. If you continue the way you are then all you’re doing is teaching her that it’s easier to roll over and make herself smaller, compromise, all to pacify other people, and she’s also going to learn that her mother left her open to that kind of behaviour.

Decide what kind of parent you want to be and then behave that way.

Exactly this

AliceOlive · 08/10/2023 23:53

I think just being in the the class might help. Don’t lose hope. You have a child who is in a man’s body and his mind has not yet caught up.

fridaynight1 · 09/10/2023 00:09

He needs to know the meaning of the word no. And you are the one who should enforce this. For your daughter's sake stop pampering to him.

Original poster
271726a · 09/10/2023 08:36

fridaynight1 · 09/10/2023 00:09

He needs to know the meaning of the word no. And you are the one who should enforce this. For your daughter's sake stop pampering to him.

It's all well knowing that . But when the person does not engage with what's been said , becomes aggressive etc, its not so easy.

Anyway some people on this thread have given me a few ideas of what I could try so I will do that.

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 09/10/2023 13:03

@271726a wishing you and your house a peaceful time today. Think about doing some things different and surprising your son. Maybe bring him a treat at some point and give him a little attention before he starts thinking of ways to get it.

Original poster
271726a · 09/10/2023 13:21

AliceOlive · 09/10/2023 13:03

@271726a wishing you and your house a peaceful time today. Think about doing some things different and surprising your son. Maybe bring him a treat at some point and give him a little attention before he starts thinking of ways to get it.

Not really sure how to take your post. The start of it seems to show empathy and an understanding that we Need a bit of peace.

Then the other bit is is saying to bring him a treat and give him attention. I really don't understand that part 😕

OP posts:
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