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Original poster

Ds gas lighting Dd

106 replies

271726a · 06/10/2023 19:41

So ds who's 16 has caused alot of problems in the family. This includes DV and aggression.

Things are better compared to what they were. But things are still hard and I kind of fucked up but I don't know how to manage it. Incase he kicks off. which is why I fucked up.

So basically he seems to be gas lighting. ( I think that's the right word) he sends me messages telling me DD is banging on the floor to annoy him and she's doing it on purpose. He does this often. He's on the 1st floor she's on the 2nd floor. A few days back I heard heavy banging . It sounded like parm of his hands slapping on his desk. As if pretending to play drums on the desk. I know it came from his room as I was in the hall way . He then send me a message demanding I tell her to stop. She had not done anything. I ignored him. But also I done fuck all about it. I'm really angry with myself.

He will do things like mute his tv to see if he can hear dd TV then he will get onto me again about sounds from her room.

Ds slept at his friends for 2 nights everything was so relaxed . Everyone chilling out doing their own thing . No hes back within 10 mins he was demanding.

Also whilst he's demanding no noise he's making more noise than anyone .

Please don't tell me to remove a a privilege we are way beyond that.

He does have emotional disregulation

I know I need to sort this I just don't know how.

I do have other threads regarding difficulties we have had.

OP posts:
mumsofdragons · 08/10/2023 13:44

Sounds exactly how my brother was when we were young and if anything he is 10x worse now he is older! We don't get on at all and don't speak - he is verbally and physically abusive - I'm 31 and he is 40 and still lives at home with my parents. I've told them he needs serious help because mentally he is unstable.

You need to be on at him and nip it in the bud before he tries to control you in your own home - like what my brother does to my parents. He tried to tell them who they can have in their own house, moans continuously about the noise and tries to control everyone.

Put him in his place and lay some ground rules! He needs discipline, if you don't, he will be out of control.

mumsofdragons · 08/10/2023 13:46

I should add, you should try and get him help for MH, good luck OP.

Isheabastard · 08/10/2023 16:08

I’m sorry to hear what a difficult time you are having.

I just went away for the weekend and before I left I bought a cheap ish internal security camera.

Would something like that help (even if only using the microphone), so he could be presented with incontrovertible evidence that he is the only one making the noise?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
HerMammy · 08/10/2023 16:15

the fact he will turn hus own music off to listen if he can hear dd music
A controlling violent bully, I think you need to find ways of having him move out, would people be saying the same things if it was OPs 6ft4 violent DH? All the hand wringing and excuses for his vile behaviour? it's not always a parenting fail some people are just horrible.

Original poster
271726a · 08/10/2023 16:54

HerMammy · 08/10/2023 16:15

the fact he will turn hus own music off to listen if he can hear dd music
A controlling violent bully, I think you need to find ways of having him move out, would people be saying the same things if it was OPs 6ft4 violent DH? All the hand wringing and excuses for his vile behaviour? it's not always a parenting fail some people are just horrible.

I do agree with you in part. When this whole situation came to ahead and I started posting about it. I had actually kicked DS out and I felt, sort of still do feel. What you explain. When I said I had kicked him out MN was ripping me apart. But also as I said I kind of agree with you about him needing to go. But its not actually as simple as you think.

Some people here are right. I think it does come down to me getting a back bone to an extent And bluntly telling him. Until i try I'm not going to know his reaction. I'm to use to aggressive out bursts . But I still have to try.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 08/10/2023 17:07

What would happen if you call him out on the banging and tell him you know he’s lying?

Original poster
271726a · 08/10/2023 17:18

Cherrysoup · 08/10/2023 17:07

What would happen if you call him out on the banging and tell him you know he’s lying?

He may kick off. But going to call him out anyway. I don't have a choice really.

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 08/10/2023 17:18

You are in such a difficult situation. I almost think you need to let things get to where they are heading sooner rather than later. If they’re an option from ds to go into a care home - not great for him, but that’s where he at now, challenge him each and every time. Every time he is violent with you or dd you call the police, again not great for him but at least your dd knows you are doing the right thing.

Cherrysoup · 08/10/2023 17:20

Freddiefox · 08/10/2023 17:18

You are in such a difficult situation. I almost think you need to let things get to where they are heading sooner rather than later. If they’re an option from ds to go into a care home - not great for him, but that’s where he at now, challenge him each and every time. Every time he is violent with you or dd you call the police, again not great for him but at least your dd knows you are doing the right thing.

I think that's so important.

Freddiefox · 08/10/2023 17:21

You know he’s going to be aggressive when you challenge him, which is why you spend so much time placating him, to avoid him kicking off. He’s a bully, and he almost need someone bigger to put him in his place, or be removed from the home.

AliceOlive · 08/10/2023 17:22

271726a · 08/10/2023 17:18

He may kick off. But going to call him out anyway. I don't have a choice really.

Show quote history

Why not just downplay it rather than giving him the reaction he is obviously seeking?

You could just give non-responses then change the subject. “Oh, I’ll check on her. Want to watch a movie with me?” Or “ Gosh, that sounds annoying. I didn’t actually hear anything. Are you hungry?”

Acknowledge then divert to a normal topic. I realize this may not be easy with him and there may be few topics that are normal right now.

Freddiefox · 08/10/2023 17:23

Or is dd able to go elsewhere for a while, firstly to give her some respite, and for him to understand you are drawing a line, and you are now taking the situation in hand.

LessOfMe99 · 08/10/2023 17:35

Op, this is heartbreaking to read. In not doing anything about his behaviour and not removing him from your home you are allowing your 13 yr old daughter to be bullied and abused. To live fear of domestic violence. And on top of that, she knows her Mother knows all of this and yet won't do anything about it.
That poor, poor girl.

Original poster
271726a · 08/10/2023 18:01

LessOfMe99 · 08/10/2023 17:35

Op, this is heartbreaking to read. In not doing anything about his behaviour and not removing him from your home you are allowing your 13 yr old daughter to be bullied and abused. To live fear of domestic violence. And on top of that, she knows her Mother knows all of this and yet won't do anything about it.
That poor, poor girl.

You really have no idea. You really don't. I have already said in my op there is much more to it . And there are other threads.

OP posts:
romdowa · 08/10/2023 18:15

My brother was the exact same, stirring up trouble because he was bored and wanted attention, everyone would move mountains to sooth him and I was the bad guy. All because they where afraid of his reaction. He's 30 now and he's the exact same. Unless you get a handle on this then he will continue this way. My brother manipulates everyone except me , because he knows I'm not afraid of him , don't believe his suicide threats and he knows if he starts kicking off or hurts me then I'll call the police. He also won't kick off at all around my husband because he's a big man. At the back of all my brothers bullying , he's a coward. I guess your son is too, he knows who to pick on.

Mrsttcno1 · 08/10/2023 18:17

271726a · 08/10/2023 18:01

You really have no idea. You really don't. I have already said in my op there is much more to it . And there are other threads.

Show quote history

OP although I think everyone can appreciate there’s a lot going on, nothing this poster has put is incorrect. Your daughter is being bullied and abused in her own home, and by your own admission you haven’t confronted the abuser about it. I don’t disagree that you probably have your excuses and justifications but those facts do remain the same, even if you don’t want to hear them.

Original poster
271726a · 08/10/2023 18:32

Mrsttcno1 · 08/10/2023 18:17

OP although I think everyone can appreciate there’s a lot going on, nothing this poster has put is incorrect. Your daughter is being bullied and abused in her own home, and by your own admission you haven’t confronted the abuser about it. I don’t disagree that you probably have your excuses and justifications but those facts do remain the same, even if you don’t want to hear them.

Show quote history

But its not actually like that though. Most people think just kick him out. Everyone seems to have the answers funny because when I first posted regarding this situation I was ripped apart for kicking him out . Now im being told I should kick him out. I'm dammed of I do dammed if I don't

And if people read my updates they would see I have said that im going to confront him . But people don't tend to read anything apart from the 1st post.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 08/10/2023 18:43

I haven’t said you have to kick him out, but you do have to do SOMETHING to defend and protect your daughter.

I have read all of your posts, and it’s well and good saying you are going to do something now and confront him, but that doesn’t change the fact that as you say he has been doing this “often” and up until now you have not confronted him. This means that as of right now, everything said there is correct, your daughter had been abused and bullied and you have not pulled him up on it. Again, I know you have your reasons for that, but no reason or excuse makes those facts any less true

Original poster
271726a · 08/10/2023 18:57

Mrsttcno1 · 08/10/2023 18:43

I haven’t said you have to kick him out, but you do have to do SOMETHING to defend and protect your daughter.

I have read all of your posts, and it’s well and good saying you are going to do something now and confront him, but that doesn’t change the fact that as you say he has been doing this “often” and up until now you have not confronted him. This means that as of right now, everything said there is correct, your daughter had been abused and bullied and you have not pulled him up on it. Again, I know you have your reasons for that, but no reason or excuse makes those facts any less true

I never said ( you) I was answering in general. You may have read my posts in this thread but you don't know the full history.

I'm not going to rely anymore because I can't keep trying to explain things over and over again. I can't be doing with the constant circles.

The point of my post was I did not know how to approach the situation whist keeping myself and Dd safe. After reading some replies I now have things clear in my head.

Its really not helpful to point fingers at me . I should have done this , I should have done that . Etc etc . Its all very easy when in the outside I have said several times I will be confronting him

I can't explain more than I have so I will no longer reply

OP posts:
PatchoulOilandRoses · 08/10/2023 18:58

271726a · 08/10/2023 18:32

But its not actually like that though. Most people think just kick him out. Everyone seems to have the answers funny because when I first posted regarding this situation I was ripped apart for kicking him out . Now im being told I should kick him out. I'm dammed of I do dammed if I don't

And if people read my updates they would see I have said that im going to confront him . But people don't tend to read anything apart from the 1st post.

Show quote history

No you weren't ripped apart at all, of course you had the usual posters that could never kick their little darlings out and believe you should sacrifice yourself and your other children for the sake of your son.
These people are professional keyboard martyrs and have no idea living in their happy little bubble that some people don't live idyllic lives with their children.
If you changed 'son' for 'husband' in your posts no one would advise you to keep him in the house.
You are also minimising massively, your thread title is about ds gaslighting dd.......there is so much more to this and he needs to be far away from your dd.

Original poster
271726a · 08/10/2023 19:14

🤦‍♀️ I give up I really do.

Thank you to everyone who gave helpful and practical advice. Whilst showing understanding. I will be pulling DS up on whats been happening. If he reacts aggressively or in a way that makes us feel unsafe I will ring the police. That will also tell me he's not going to change. But hopefully he won't kick of and that will be a good thing.

OP posts:
Hermittrismegistus · 08/10/2023 19:20

Is it even safe for you to confront him? He's a big guy and I imagine confronting him could lead to him feeling embarrassment and maybe lashing out due to that.

Absolutely horrible situation you're in Flowers

Original poster
271726a · 08/10/2023 19:31

Hermittrismegistus · 08/10/2023 19:20

Is it even safe for you to confront him? He's a big guy and I imagine confronting him could lead to him feeling embarrassment and maybe lashing out due to that.

Absolutely horrible situation you're in Flowers

I don't even know, that's why I have Been scared of confronting him. But I won't know the answer unless I do. So I have to. Otherwise it will just carry on this way .

OP posts:
JustAMinutePleass · 08/10/2023 19:35

You need to kick him out.

BocolateChiscuits · 08/10/2023 19:42

I don't have any experience of this, so please excuse me if I'm just speaking unhelpful bollocks. Really my heart goes out to you, it sounds like such a horrible situation to be in.

Do you have any male friends or relatives who could be in the house when you need to have a difficult conversation with your son and are preferably the sort your son would avoid kicking off at? My DH is quite big and it constantly amazes me how little day-to-day low level aggression he gets. I get way more and I'm half his size, and the sort of person who automatically says sorry when someone walks into them.

Also, bit of a bizarre suggestion, but could you take some self-defence classes? It might help you to feel more confident around him. Because it looks like you're basically stuck living with a violent bully for now.