Nursery’s comments about 3 year old’s lunchbox

[Fussyeating]

DS is 3 and he recently started at a new nursery. DH and I work FT so he attends 4 full days a week 8-6. He previously attended a different nursery who were great in ways but utterly useless in others so we decided to find a new one to cover this academic year.

The issue we have with this nursery is their attitude to food and fussy eating. DS has always been a fussy eater, even as a small infant when he first started weaning. I have no idea why, older DS is not fussy at all and will eat just about anything without complaint. We didn’t do anything differently when we weaned him, we still offer him all the same foods we eat on a daily basis but he often just won’t touch them. He won’t eat pieces of fruit at all, he actually never has. We followed BLW with both DC but DS2 just rejected any form of fruit or veg unless the veg was disguised within a meal. He’s still the same now, he will only eat vegetables if they’re very well disguised within a meal such as chilli, curry, pasta bake etc.

With regards to fruit intake, the only way we can get him to consume any fruit of any sort is within snacks such as innocent smoothie cartons, bear yo-yos and Nakd bars. I appreciate none of this is ideal, I obviously wish he’d just eat a bowl of berries or whatever like DC1 does but this is all we can get him to accept fruit wise.

The nursery offers one set meal a day with no other selection. Initially we thought we’d try DS with their hot meals and see if maybe it broadened his horizons, perhaps he’d try something new when he saw all of the other children there eating it. What actually happened was he went the full day between breakfast at 7am and dinner when he got home just after 6pm without eating anything at all. The nursery didn’t attempt to offer him anything outside of their set meal such as plain toast like his previous nursery would have, they just essentially let him starve.

Suffice to say, we switched him over to a lunchbox after this. The issue is, the nursery staff keep commenting on the contents within his lunchbox. When DH drops him off, they actually open the lunchbox and will remove certain items and pass them to DH saying DS can’t eat them. Examples are as I mentioned previously- innocent smoothie cartons, bear yo-yos and oat bars. These items are on a very small list of lunchbox style items DS will actually willingly eat. They have said they don’t mind if he brings more packets of crisps and extra sandwiches but they don’t want him to bring ‘high sugar’ foods. The weird thing is, they offer the children dessert with their meal every single day and it’s things such as profiteroles or cake and custard so to offer that but have an issue with something like an oat bar seems bonkers to me! He also often returns home with items like that uneaten and I know he would eat them so I’m gathering they’re intentionally not opening them for him.

I ended up sending a long ranting email yesterday because I was pretty furious that they keep restricting his already quite restrictive diet. When he’s there for 10 hours and there’s an 11 hour gap between the meals he has at home, we need to make sure he’s eating adequately and isn’t going hungry. I’ve already enquired at different nurseries, however I do know FT slots in the area we live in are rare so the chances of us sourcing alternative childcare are slim. I’m just looking for advice really, what’s the best course of action here? Also, if anyone has any tips regarding fussy eating, I’d fully appreciate those!

But the OP's child eats vegetables. And a good selection of other foods.

He doesn't need an ultra-processed sweet.

Hes there all day 4 days a week? Why do nursery not provide meals and snacks?

@Audreysbaywindow you're really not reading the posts in this thread very well.
It's a very common issue in 3 and 4 year olds to be choosy or refuse food. Most of the time it's not a sensory or neurodivergent thing. Its usually developmental and will pass, the best thing is not to invest lots of energy in it because it can become more important than anything else. From what the OP has described her child does eat a varied diet. Maybe he's just taking a while settling to nursery?
From the nursery point of view they won't be able to bend the rules and include these kinds of sticky sweet foods unless the child has some identified needs. The best thing is for the family and the nursery to work together to sort this one out.

Dds nursery gave me back a snack size Mars bar from her lunchbox. I laughed and said no, she's eating it and put a complaint into the local council. The lunch on offer that day was a cheeseburger and chips. Dd had a ham wrap, apple, yoghurt and mini Mars bar.

@Fussyeating i appreciate the struggle my 3 year old is really fussy too. You are doing well to get chilli and curries into him at home though, that’s great. The nursery my son attends gave us a list of foods forbidden to bring in which includes yoghurt pouches . Yet they serve him things like pizza and chips or sausage and chips which i find a bit hypocritical. It’s ridiculous that they wouldn’t give your son a bit of toast or the like and let him eat nothing all day. You are right to complain.

So for a full day they only offer one meal no snacks? My children got full time 8 till 6 and receive breakfast, snack, lunch and evening snack in all age groups. 1 meal a day seems outrageous.

@Peony15 seriously unhelpful comment what do you expect people to do , not work ?

Hey @Fussyeating - I just wanted to say that it sounds like you're doing a great job with your DS. Although breakfasts and lunches are a bit tricky, you're getting a great variety of food in him with the dinners he'll eat. And if he was eating all his meals at home, he clearly has very healthy choices with the dippy eggs etc.

I know nurseries and schools have an obligation to promote healthy eating, but I really do think they overstep boundaries at times - and this is the perfect example. Sure, you could maybe make some modifications to what you sent in, but they could have taken a far more collaborative approach with you to work out how to give your DS sufficient food for the day while taking into account the difficulties around what he will and won't eat.

I do find this overstepping of their responsibilities and such a rigid approach absolutely unacceptable. Trouble is, when you have to rely on nurseries because of working hours, it leaves you stuck between a rock and a hard place.

You've had some great suggestions on here - if this doesn't solve the problem, I would probably look to have a meeting with the nursery manager to thrash out some solutions that don't involve your DS either chugging back a ton of crisps or being hungry!

As PP have said, it's a bloody farce when nurseries give the kids sugary puddings anyway!! It's just the food that the parents provide that's subject to scrutiny apparently....

Also, refusing food isn't necessarily a power struggle - there are children who will absolutely starve themselves rather than eat something they don't like.

Anyway. I also wanted to say that it sounds like a texture rather than a taste issue with your DS. And that is very hard to combat because you can't mask texture easily like you can with taste.

For context, I'm autistic and I have two autistic DC, and DS in particular has high needs. We were lucky in that he has always loved big bowls of fruit and would eat 2 or 3 types of vegetable (not brilliant but good enough!). He's nearly 14 now but oh my goodness, I remember the struggles with textures when he was younger and trying to find acceptable combinations. For example, he would eat certain cereals but they had to be consumed immediately because as soon as the milk had soaked in and made them soggy, it was a no go!

Both my DC eat a good and varied diet now, but they will only eat what they eat. And it has to be cooked in the way that they're happy with. Eg/DS adores plain chicken but we went to a restaurant once and it came out with the chargrilled stripes - nope, wouldn't touch it.

I might be well off-base here, but it does seem from your descriptions that many of the foods that your DS likes have similar textures - curries, spag bol, chicken korma, etc. Fruit, veg and even chunks of protein like a chicken breast have very distinct textures that are quite different! And it's not uncommon for children to find these textures more challenging, especially vegetables and protein. I remember reading somewhere that often texture aversions can improve somewhere between the ages of 5-7 years, so it's possible that your DS might slowly grow out of it.

There are things you could do to try and mask the texture but we only had very limited success. You could maybe try cooking the fruit because that would change the texture? Or overcooking the veg to make it a lot softer and then covering with a pasta sauce or gravy etc? The idea is to get them used to eating the offending items, and then gradually bring the texture back to where it should be. However, if your DS will refuse the items on sight because he "knows" he doesn't like it, then this won't work. Just mentioning it just in case you've not tried it yet.

Sorry for the very long post! But honestly, just keep going, you're doing a cracking job.

There is nothing wrong with my reading- I’m just making a point that you don’t like. That point is that you are reading a lot more upset and stress into this situation than is evident from the op’s posts (although I’m only a highly trained and experienced child development professional, not a nursery worker so what would I know 🤷‍♀️).

Whilst I get what they’re trying to say, they’re going about promoting positive food choices and building relationships terribly! I would ask for copy of the policy and then for a meeting with the manager. Your joint aim is for DC to eat a meal, that is as healthy as possible, to maintain their energy levels through the day. Break down with them what they will eat and won’t eat. Ask them to help you understand the options (and how letting a child go hungry is better than a snack bar).

You've probably tried already (and I only read to page 3 so someone might have suggested already) what about about fruit/veg pouches? Think baby food- my kids like them as snacks though, and they are literally blended fruit and veg with a splash of water. (Aldi ones are also cheap 👍🏻)

If he likes plain toast would he tolerate something like Melba toast or rivitas with something on? Crackers/rice cakes etc?

Have you asked nursery how they are supporting him to broaden his diet? E.g. are they able to offer simple cooking activities, sensory play, taste tests, walks to shops, home corner role play etc. There is often things they can do but it all takes time to have an effect. Have they tried offering a small portion of nursery dinner alongside his packup so it's less intimidating and just another option for him to have a go with?

My dd us gluten free too! It's a bit of a case of there's a carrot abd off you go!!😂

To be fair the rest of his diet sounds pretty good for his age!

I wouldn't try and give him fruit substitutes as others have pointed out they're not really fruit.

Maybe try to think of his intake over the whole week, if he's eating hidden veg at home then fruit isn't vital, just keep offering it at home and eventually he might have some.

Would he eat leftovers for lunch?

Oh god. The ban on may contains must make you want to go in and request the whole school becomes gluten free given they're supporting other allergies to such an extent.

You're correct. They're literally just sugar. Your body doesn't really know the difference.

Dried fruit such as the yoyo bars are classed as high sugar and on par with sweets. It’s to do with what happens to the natural sugars in fruit when it’s dried. When you look into nutrition they’re advised against. However my daughter loves them so we d buy them. She also eats some regular fruit too. It’s the same with the fruit flakes.

Funnily enough @Audreysbaywindow I would call
myself a highly trained child development professional too. I "don't like what you're saying" because you've assumed that I don't know that a tiny specific group of children do refuse food. But I was referring to @Fussyeating's child.
She's seeking advice on here and my advice would be to defuse the situation by just giving the child a very limited acceptable diet so it's one less thing for him to worry about and then in time no doubt he will begin to try other foods he's offered.
I would say pick your battles.

My advice is to set up a green grocery at home. It’s his shop and make sure you all join in buying the fruit and veg. Let him choose a new type every week as part of the weekly shop. Get him used to handling it. Don’t make him try anything for a few weeks then introduce small tries. Tiny pieces the size of the end of a straw at first then getting bigger.

I had an incredibly fussy eater (the list of things eaten was down to 10 individual food items)

I found that pieces of red and yellow pepper carved into the 5 letters of his name would be eaten. A few other carvable foods were also tried this way.

It's too early to tell if the restrictive food intake is a neurodiversity issue in thr case of your DC but given thar it's a possibility, it is discriminatory of the nursery if they won't work with you to make sure your child can eat something. The idea that "they will eat what is in front of them if they are hungry enough" may be true for a neurotypical child but is very much not true for a neurodiverse child and having a blanket policy that assumes all children are neurotypical is the mark of a terrible nursery that shouldn't be entrusted with your child.

did not say that at all, quite the opposite. Many of us HAVE to
work FT to keep all the balls in the air so to
speak. Inc myself. Seeing the consequences is another " ballgame ".

@OlizraWiteomQua it depends where you are - in Scotland and Wales there's pretty prescriptive guidance on what children can eat

You are misrepresenting and obfuscating what you have said previously.

You didn’t make it clear that you were only talking about the op’s child when you made your first statement- and in any case you don’t have nearly enough evidence to say he is trying to set up a power battle and won’t starve himself (especially when the op said he will starve rather than eat food he doesn’t like).

You then went on to say that the op was creating anxiety, making the child’s food intake the centre of her existence and implied that she was neglecting activities like reading and playing in favour of fussing about food-

My point was you don’t have any evidence to back up those assertions.

It's just horrible to think of a small child being out of the house for 11 hours every day in the first place, never mind not being fed. Nobody would expect an adult to be working away all day with nothing to eat, yet both of those things are expected of a three year old.

Ok @Audreysbaywindow we aren't in court here!
If you read everything the OP said it sounds really stressful as so much she's prepared for him has been rejected even though her older child eats pretty much anything. So it's going to be a big deal.I don't think that's misrepresenting anyone.
My post did say that 3 and 4 year olds can pick a battle over food - as their sense of selfhood develops they will learn about the world by testing boundaries. Food is not a great arena for this but a very common one, so my advice is, relax and don't engage as long as they are eating something.
The nursery are being presented as unhelpful here but they don't have much room for manoeuvre. They can't agree to sweet foods for one child and then ban others without a very good reason.
What do you suggest?
Should the nursery just feed him the smoothies and fruit sweets and pouches?

Some people have no choice financially.