Changing my name has been SUCH A FAFF!

[sarahb083]

I took my husband's surname when we got married. I wasn't bothered but it was very important to him so I did it. It has been SO MUCH more of a faff than I expected. Given that this is something many, many women do, systems do not seem to be set up to accommodate it.

• Had to change mortgage documents, all bills, electoral roll, banking apps, etc. NONE of these places make it easy to change your name, and many require sending a marriage certificate through the post.
• I apply for tax free childcare every 3 months. Every 3 months, they've said they can't find me in PAYE so I have to call the childcare service and request a dropbox link so that I can send them my payslips. After 2 years of this, they've just worked out that it's because PAYE had my maiden name, despite both my employer and my childcare application having my married name.
• Changing my email at work meant I needed to change my email address for every piece of software I use. I had to contact every company and ask for my email address to be changed. Some of them seemed to have no idea what I was trying to do - surely many women have to do this?!
• Sent off for a new UK passport, along with my US passport. They sent it back because my US passport had my maiden name and they said they couldn't update my UK passport until all other passports had my new name. What if other countries have the same policy?! I had to send off my US passport, wait for it to come back, then send off my UK passport. I can't enter the US on my UK passport or vice versa, so I wasn't able to go to the US for 6+ months while this was happening.

I've spent SO MANY hours of admin and cost on something that only affects women.

It only affects women who choose to do it.

And, if like me, you get divorced...
😡

My geography teacher went on a big rant about this when I was in y9 saying exactly this and it really stayed with me (I'm 42 now). She added that half of us would get divorced anyway.

I just tacked his surname onto the end of mine. I don't answer to Mrs. HisSurname if anyone calls me that.
I don't understand why we change our names unless we hate them. It seems a very outdated concept in the 21st century.

I've spent SO MANY hours of admin and cost on something that only affects women.

That begs a few questions.

And yet it was ‘so important’ for him that you share a name… as long as it was his name..

It affects anyone who chooses to change their name.

I’m a woman. Didn’t affect me.

My cousin is a man. It affected him.

I took my husband's surname when we got married. I wasn't bothered but it was very important to him so I did it.

🤮

It's a pain. To be honest I don't think I'd have bothered for my work email.

It's one of the reasons why I didn't change my name

I don't mind being called by DH's surname socially, but I have never changed my name on any documents - couldn't face the faff

I found this as well and as it was 20 years ago still fairly common thing to do upon marriage was surprised how badly set up systems seemed to be to accommodate it.

I had what I though were good reasons preferred his unusual name to my ultra common one plus I wanted to be part of a unit and mentally step away from a family that always found fault with me.

I'm not sorry I did it but if we ever do divorced like fuck am I changing it again.

And this is precisely why I didn’t change my name on marriage. Watched my mate who was going through a nasty divorce have all this hassle just to go back to her own name (although tbf her experience seemed more straightforward) and just thought “why the fuck should I?”.

I wonder what % of women now change their name as an adult, with so many enshewing marriage or just keeping our own names. If my assumption that less and less are bothering is correct then I doubt the process will become less of a faff.

@sarahb083

After 2 years of this, they've just worked out that it's because PAYE had my maiden name, despite both my employer and my childcare application having my married name.

Did you actually contact HMRC directly to tell them? They're not going to update their formal records just because your employer has started using a different name, are they? Not even sure that names are submitted on the payroll submissions to HMRC anymore, from memory, pretty sure it's only NI numbers that are submitted along with pay and tax numbers. You'd also need to tell HMRC directly if you changed your address, as again, they're not going to change formal/official records on the say so of a third party like an employer.

If I hadn't been stupid enough to change mine the first time I married I would never have changed it when I remarried.

You could have been know personally as Mrs Husband's Surname but kept everything else in your own name. If my daughter asked I'd suggest this or not changing her name.

It doesn't just affect women. My husband and me have chosen to double barrel both our names and it's a major faff for both of us. We still haven't got around to it and we've been married for 6 months. It affects anyone who chooses to change their name, that just happens to be women more often that not.

It didn't feel like a faff when I changed my name 20 years ago when I married, but it was utter hell when I changed it back after divorce. Will never do it again, and will never encourage my DD to change it in the first place. Stressful, costly, and unnecessary!

I kept my name. This “tradition” harks back to when woman were property.

I didn’t think women did this anymore.

Yep one of the reasons I kept my name, I loved my surname and had zero interest in a bunch of ridiculous women only admin.

(I also ran my own company and that would have created an additional fuck tonne of admin, big no from me).

I both agree and disagree with this.

Work email change was a bit of a faff.

The rest I found reasonably straightforward - the only place I had to physically take my marriage cert to was the bank. Everywhere else accepted a scanned copy.

I guess it depends what timescale you're working on - I've been married over a year now and have yet to do passport (still has a year left, don't want to pay extra) and a few credit cards etc. I'm just doing it bit by bit. Haven't had any issues at all with the slow but steady approach!

Whereas yes I can imagine if you attempt to do absolutely everything in one go, it would feel like a lot of admin.

But at least you've got it done now OP!

I would also say, I don't really have too much of problem with the fact that it's a fair bit of admin requiring production of certificates etc - people shouldn't be able to change identities easily, frankly.

I wonder what % of women now change their name as an adult, with so many enshewing marriage or just keeping our own names. If my assumption that less and less are bothering is correct then I doubt the process will become less of a faff.

I think there less and less marriage and as increasingly people marry later in life - fewer actually change names I don't think it will get any easier.

My DGF just changed his first name and dropped family middle name with no fuss or formal paperwork by time databases came along his preferred name got out in them all. Now databases are looking to match you up to paper work - I worry about DD1 instead of just dropping her middle name she keeps telling institutes her new middle name - I do worry this will mean at some point her paperwork won't match up.

You're right! I should have said it's something that predominately affects women.

Yes. It's probably not a decision I'd make again.

Even 25 years ago it was a faff. Cheltenham and Gloucester lost our original marriage certificate, and I still have two sets of shares one that simply ignored the request, kept the certified copy yet knew it had been requested and then couldn't find it when asked so couldn't complete the request, the other simply changed my name to MRS from MISS but kept old surname, and didn't return then lost the certificate - despite both letters enclosing SAE. I figure as dividends only go to my account that'll work for now.

I'm about to change mine (because I want to before anyone starts). Dreading the process. Surely someone somewhere must have designed a service to simplify it. If happily bund someone £50 to do ally he admin for me.

Did you actually contact HMRC directly to tell them?

I did this - I had to write again because they tried to keep the marriage certificate - ( I had multiple copies as I knew admin would need them) - it had clearly been stapled to some other paper work but they did return it.

I was changing jobs at same time as marrying and changing names so I don't know if that made everything harder - I also had multiple pension schemes by mid 20s and more than one bank account.

I changed my name when I was 18. My parents' choice of first name with the surname awful (think Isla White or April May) and I vowed as a child that as soon as I was 18, I'd get rid. I did it between school and university, and it was no faff at all. The only time I need to refer to the old name is if I need security/DBS clearance.

All I had to change was my bank details and passport. If I changed it now it would be far more of a faff.

I still get the occasional document to the old name decades after legally changing it.

Yes, I did