Changing my name has been SUCH A FAFF!

[sarahb083]

I took my husband's surname when we got married. I wasn't bothered but it was very important to him so I did it. It has been SO MUCH more of a faff than I expected. Given that this is something many, many women do, systems do not seem to be set up to accommodate it.

• Had to change mortgage documents, all bills, electoral roll, banking apps, etc. NONE of these places make it easy to change your name, and many require sending a marriage certificate through the post.
• I apply for tax free childcare every 3 months. Every 3 months, they've said they can't find me in PAYE so I have to call the childcare service and request a dropbox link so that I can send them my payslips. After 2 years of this, they've just worked out that it's because PAYE had my maiden name, despite both my employer and my childcare application having my married name.
• Changing my email at work meant I needed to change my email address for every piece of software I use. I had to contact every company and ask for my email address to be changed. Some of them seemed to have no idea what I was trying to do - surely many women have to do this?!
• Sent off for a new UK passport, along with my US passport. They sent it back because my US passport had my maiden name and they said they couldn't update my UK passport until all other passports had my new name. What if other countries have the same policy?! I had to send off my US passport, wait for it to come back, then send off my UK passport. I can't enter the US on my UK passport or vice versa, so I wasn't able to go to the US for 6+ months while this was happening.

I've spent SO MANY hours of admin and cost on something that only affects women.

Oh god, I am now having second thoughts. We got married in 2017 and I didnt want the cost and faff of changing my passport so was waiting until it expired this year but now I am wondering.....if there any PRO to changing the name? What about travelling with a child with a different surname?

At the time (well over 20 years ago) that's what I wanted to do. If I was getting married now, I wouldn't bother.

What I did was when I renewed my passport I had an official observation added which says "Also known as Firstname Middlename Husbandsname".

It was a bit of a faff with the passport office because they wanted to do it the other way around, putting my husband's surname as my official surname and my birth name as the "also known as" so I had to get all feminist on their arses and say that I am primarily known as my own name and there are just a few situations in which I am known as Mrs Husbandsname. This isn't actually true, I am literally never known as Mrs Husbandsname, but you have to say that you do use the name in certain situations otherwise they won't put it on.

They also proposed putting "wife of Husband" and I basically laughed in their faces and said, "Why don't you just put property of?"

In the end they relented and did as they were bloody told.

@BCCoach thanks - I've finally got my second nationality passport and need to renew my UK one reasonably soon. It was only until I saw this thread I had heard of sending away both for UK renewal.
First thought was - but how would they know if you didn't??

So you've never sent both and never had any issues?

Never been an issue for me.

One of DS's middle names is my name. I wasn't going to lumber him with a stupid double barrelled name in the name of equality (how the hell are the double barrelled children of today going to navigate it when they marry - its a STUPID 'solution').

Its fairly obvious we are related because its his middle name.

If DH travels alone with DS he'd be wise to be able demonstrate DS is allowed to leave the country with my permission anyway just because of how many divorced parents there are.

Again this idea is a STUPID one to change your name for.

There are so few pros to changing your name.

I am often called Mrs GreenToothBrush by people who don't know. I generally don't correct in social circumstances cos its not necessary and it doesn't bother me. On paper work I just use my name. Cos its my name.

Its useful for identifying salesmen / telephone sales and prickish political canvassers (who have a list of residents for a house, know my husband's name but can't be bothered to have the courtsey to use mine when they have it right in front of them).

The only issue I've had is with Nationwide telling me it was illegal to NOT change my name. I rolled my eyes and no longer bank with them due to that and other reasons related to terrible customer service.

DH wanted me to change my name and was really insistant about it. I told him I couldn't be bothered with the hassle. He got over it very quickly and its a complete non issue now. He doesn't even remember being an arse about it to the point that he insists he was 'fully supportive of my decision' (he wasn't!).

I can't think of any pros to changing it either, so I didn't, neither did DH. In 20 years neither of us has travelled abroad alone with the DC and if you do anticipate doing that eg because of relatives abroad there are other ways round it that are far easier than changing surname. Each to their own though.

No, never had issues not sending in my other passport. I always enter the UK on my UK passport and have it registered on my airline API so they don't really have any way of knowing that I have another passport without correlating airline records and entry/exit records in other countries. Which obviously they won't do as they're a useless shower of bastards.

The only issue I've had is with Nationwide telling me it was illegal to NOT change my name. I rolled my eyes and no longer bank with them due to that and other reasons related to terrible customer service.

It does amaze me how ill-informed bank staff appear to be on this matter. It is apparently also impossible to have a bank account with no title, despite it being my preference, but they did update my card to just E Bearhug instead of Ms E Bearhug.

I need to decide whether I am going to come clean about this next time I renew as well.

What possible reason could the UK Home Office have to need to know whether I have acquired another nationality, let alone need to see my passport from that country? This is totally overstepping the mark. It's none of their business.

This is why i have only changed my name on personal stuff. Work is still my maiden name, and there is still a few things like mortgage etc which are in my maiden name

You can use both names

I'm in the process of getting another citizenship and thinking of just using the ID card to enter the country and travel within Europe, so technically I would only need a passport when travelling outside of Europe and then I could just use the British one.

Same

Same here.

I'm not that bothered if I'm called my husbands name - at school I was often referred to that way as the kids have his name.

IDH name is easier to spell than mine so better the kids had his name!

Many married couples I know have picked a new surname together, so both changed their name. They either chose an older family surname from one of the families, or made up a brand new surname.
I also know some couples were the man took the wife's surname.

Thanks a lot, v helpful @BCCoach

This is why I didn't change mine back after divorce, despite having no children. Going through that faff once was enough!

Most Mumsnet threads on that subject express confusion and horror at this, but you've explained it perfectly.

We have different names and it's caused 0 issues in 17 years. Also it's not automatic that a child will have a different surname to you, you can give them yours if you want!

I got married in the mid 80s and I can imagine there is a lot more faff now than there was then as there seems to be more stuff to change

I changed my name when I got married. It was in the 90s and I don't remember it being too much of a faff - just went into the bank with my marriage certificate. Passed my driving test after I was married, and didn't have a passport.

I'm getting divorced now and my kids have asked if I'll be going back to my maiden name. No! I was estranged from my dad, and it is an awful surname. And the thought of having to make so many phone calls/emails to everyone, ugh, what a palaver! I struggle with paperwork (even when it's not technically on paper now) and even doing the divorce was enough, and that was an amicable straightforward divorce.

Most of the couples I know that have got married recently have double-barrelled their names and both changed.

I’m yet to do it. Got married aug 2021, so council docs have changed but nothing else. My passport doesn’t run out until 2027 so I’ll do it then as I’m not giving up my burgundy passport until I have to. So will do it when that runs out.
dreading it though. I would like it changed as my kids have his surname

I have changed my surname by marriage and subsequently by deed poll, neither was a particular challenge. My employers coped magnificently with the pension scheme, tax and email implications; I think they set up an auto-forward from the old email address to the new one. In a large company where women get married all the time it’s a routine process.

This is such a helpful thread. I am really attached to my surname but had resigned myself to taking DP's name when we get married next year just to make it simpler for the kids - the names are too long to double-barrell.

I've been feeling increasingly nauseous about it especially today after a laborious visit from the PILs - why should I take their name and be disconnected from my mum and my grandparents who I'm so proud of?

I will do as PPs have said and keep mine, and pass it on to the kids in their middle names.

But again, that's the same kind of poor admin/knowledge for other changes too. Try getting a bank to deal with a death of an account holder and you'll get all kinds of nonsense from "normal" customer service staff, who literally don't know their arse from their elbow and come out with all kinds of crap about what's allowed, what's not, the documents they need etc. It's NOT just lack of knowledge of rules/procedures re a wife changing their name, it's complete lack of knowledge about just about everything else too!

I did this then was asked about travelling with 2 children ( my own) who didn't share my name. I use unmarried name at work, married name at home, but yes a hassle for DBS checks.

Yeah, it was great fun as an immigrant having to change my Biometric Residence Permit, just so I could get the name I go by on my naturalisation certificate, rather than the one on my birth certificate that I haven't used otherwise since I've been an adult in the UK. Those things are over £300 a pop, on top of all the paperwork involved including proving over a decade of residency.

Both the US and UK technically have the policy that all passports should be in the same name, and because of this, the Home Office will only use names on passports though they'll take evidence with any name one can prove is yours. I had to get a BRP in my birth certificate name to meet legal needs, then fight the US embassy for a few years before I could pay another £300 to get an updated BRP to then complete naturalisation. The US is a pain with changing names, they require so much more than the UK. When I did it, I had to have a statutory declaration to get it done, and also spend ages dealing with changing my SSN information before I was allowed to change it on the passport.

I changed my entire name as an adult, including to share a surname with my husband that we had agreed to. I didn't find the banking or work stuff difficult anymore difficult than changing address - HMRC's website makes it really easy, banks was just an awkward 5 minutes, emails are as they are. I did have one member of bank staff act really weird about the title, I had a laugh with a trainee over her trainer thinking it was legally required to use Mrs. Overall it wasn't much admin to me, but then I actively wanted and chose to change my name and it was a joint choice with my husband and we went through options in both of our families for one to share, but I wasn't going to go on with the one on my birth certificate. I can see much of it being a faff if you're just doing it because someone else wanted you to do so.