Changing my name has been SUCH A FAFF!

[sarahb083]

I took my husband's surname when we got married. I wasn't bothered but it was very important to him so I did it. It has been SO MUCH more of a faff than I expected. Given that this is something many, many women do, systems do not seem to be set up to accommodate it.

• Had to change mortgage documents, all bills, electoral roll, banking apps, etc. NONE of these places make it easy to change your name, and many require sending a marriage certificate through the post.
• I apply for tax free childcare every 3 months. Every 3 months, they've said they can't find me in PAYE so I have to call the childcare service and request a dropbox link so that I can send them my payslips. After 2 years of this, they've just worked out that it's because PAYE had my maiden name, despite both my employer and my childcare application having my married name.
• Changing my email at work meant I needed to change my email address for every piece of software I use. I had to contact every company and ask for my email address to be changed. Some of them seemed to have no idea what I was trying to do - surely many women have to do this?!
• Sent off for a new UK passport, along with my US passport. They sent it back because my US passport had my maiden name and they said they couldn't update my UK passport until all other passports had my new name. What if other countries have the same policy?! I had to send off my US passport, wait for it to come back, then send off my UK passport. I can't enter the US on my UK passport or vice versa, so I wasn't able to go to the US for 6+ months while this was happening.

I've spent SO MANY hours of admin and cost on something that only affects women.

Well, tradionally yes but you can chose not to. Usually they would get DH's father's surname and my father's surname.

So DH = John Smith Jones
I'm Jane Brown Boggins

DC's would be (first name) Smith Brown.

Which is why I chose not to do it, tbh.

That just wouldn’t work for anyone who dealt with people externally. It’s a faff for externals /clients to remember that you’re Alice Smith but your email is Alice Brown.

HMRC was the least of my problems, you just use the online portal. Between my mortgage, savings and current accounts I bank with 6 different banks, all of them want something slightly different. Even if there is a branch I've spent hours waiting to speak to someone. My credit card company insisted they had changed my name for me whilst cheerfully addressing me as my old name; in the end it took 3 months to sort and I had to make a formal complaint.

Work took 9 months because nobody knew what the procedure was, I work for a huge company with thousands of employees so yes, I did expect that part to be straightforward.

Passport - had to go in person because they were advertising 15 week turnaround times and I was due to fly sooner. You can't do an online fast track application for change of name.

Things that were actually easy were driving licence, council tax and utilities. Still not worked out how to update the electoral roll.

OP the UK are extremely awkward with dual nationals. They insist you send your foreign passport in when you renew your UK passport these days.

How they think it works legally to demand that you hand over another country’s identity document is a moot point but it’s an absolute nightmare, not least because my dual nationality doubles the already substantial cost of a replacement passport when it is lost as a fine. So I have to pray that HMPO doesn’t screw up & lose my documents.

I go by both names. Maiden name at work (work in science and didn’t want to lose all my historic contributions). Married name at home.

I changed my bank (which included mortgage and CC) the week after I got married, my driving licence a bit later, when I got round to it and left the rest.

Passport came up naturally a few years later and other things either stay as they were or get fixed ad-hoc.

The law is pretty clear that I shouldn’t be going by 2 different names but it’s never come to much. My husband DGAF, even though he’s still taking parcels for my unmarried self and it’s been 11 years.

You're assuming a lot here. This wouldn't work in my role. I had to change it.

This pisses me off so much, OP.

And with work…my goodness, it was like no one had ever changed their name before in my VERY LARGE government department. The faff to get paid in the right name and have my email changed and emails to my previous name redirected - it look months.

But what if you’re close with three or four sides of the family? How do you choose in that situation? Do parents or grandparents get upset if you strike their name out of the equation?

I’d have struggled to choose two out of the four corners of my family.

Agree. It would be a pain for business cards too.

It also flags that you are female. I used to work with a lot of stakeholders in a country with a reputation for misogyny. My name could be male or female in some other cultures. I don’t necessarily want to draw attention to being female in email unless it’s necessary, to avoid being treated more rudely / dismissively than if I were male - I’ve seen it happen in face to face interactions.

You didn’t think any women did this any more? Come on.

I did it because we wanted our kids to have the same surname as both of us, our names didn’t double barrel nicely, I didn’t feel super attached to my name, and we got married quite young so I hadn’t established my career in my maiden name. DC both have my surname as a middle name, which I really like.

If it's so hard and such a faff, why do it? I don't have my husbands surname and it has affected precisely nothing about our marriage or family life. I'd be asking myself why it was so important to him to be honest if I was you, seems a bit weird, but that ship has sailed and you've done all the paperwork now either way.

So you kept your father's (another man) name rather than the new man. Well done.

I changed because I hated my maiden name and it's a huge hassle if your DC have a different name when it comes to going on holiday etc. but 20 years later I still can't access PayPal and I have several accounts in my maiden name.

I didn’t think women did this anymore.

I didn’t think women made snide, pathetic, passive aggressive remarks about what other women choose to do either but whoops here we are.

Exactly, your choice. No way I would have married someone if it was important to them. I’m always surprised why anyone bothers to change their name

Women aren’t library books. Whatever name she had before marriage is her name.

my DD has her father’s surname and mine as a middle name (we’re married but kept our own names). Have travelled around the world with her since she was 4 months old and never had as much as a second’s hassle for not sharing a surname. (she’s 13 now and clocked up a lot of air miles).

I just asked the IT dept to change my work email and AT software to my married name and it was done.

For everything else I used the online facility and attached an image of my marriage certificate. Or I printed off a standard letter with gaps to write in references and sent off with my marriage certificate, or a copy of it, as required.

I tried to keep it as simple as I could. Yes, it took a bit of time, but it wasn't particularly difficult.

When I got married some 40 years ago it was very much the accepted thing to take your DH name and there were a lot of difficulties put in the way if you didn't want to do. (Bank and employers for a start.)
I was made to feel odd, and awkward.
Unfortunately, I gave in and to this day really wish I hadn't. It would be very difficult indeed to go back now. I suppose one day I might gird my loins and do it.

@Porridgeislife I've never sent my second passport when renewing my UK passport. The passport office don't know I'm a dual national and I have no intention of disabusing them.

Exactly!

I couldn't be fucked with the effort so didn't bother.

DH hasn't suffered in this.

I got divorced and still haven't changed it even though I really want to; just the thought of all that admin faff makes me want to have a tantrum.

I will never ever take another persons name.

So you keep your father's name...

This old chestnut. Nope its MY name. Why does no one argue about who a man 'belongs to' because he keeps his name on marriage? Your husbands name is HIS name. He doesn't have an ephiphany on marriage that he must change his name to stop belonging to his father. He just IS his own person. Men don't feel the need to 'free themselves' from their fathers on marriage and choose their own family name. Why? I'm sure more would if it wasn't a monumental faff. But more to the point:

WHATS THE FUCKING POINT???!

YANBU, OP.

It's amazing that women still do this, but the patriarchy is strong.

When I was getting married I was debating whether or not to change my name and I stumbled across an article about the pros and cons. I doubt I could find it now, but it gave me the rage.

It basically went through the list of options like this:

Changing your name on marriage

The only evidence you need is your marriage certificate. You can use this to get your name changed on your passport, driving licence, bank accounts, utilities, employer records, HMRC, pensions... blah blah blah.

If you want to travel on your honeymoon with your passport in your new name you can get a new passport in anticipation of marriage. You won't be able to travel beforehand. If the marriage doesn't go ahead your new passport will be invalid and you will have to apply for a new one.

Double barrelling

(explanation)

Deed poll

(explanation)

Creating a new surname

(explanation)

Not changing your name

You can keep your maiden name on marriage. If you choose this option, you don't have to do anything.

Conclusion

You can choose any of these options but the easiest option is probably to change your name because that's what most people do.

Like, what in the actual fucking fuck?

You've just written a long article about all the tedious admin shit that you have to go through when you change your name, and added that if you don't change your name you don't have to do anything at all, and your conclusion is that the easiest option is to just change your name?

HOW in the ever-loving FUCK have you come to that conclusion?

I got married many, many years ago, I changed my name and do not remember it being a faff at all. I told the doctors, dentist and utilities. I did not work and it was way before there was emails and such so it was not a problem at all.

I did not want my old name, being my fathers who was absent, my DH has loved me and done far more for me that my father has ever done.

wouldn't have bothered changing majority of that stuff