Changing my name has been SUCH A FAFF!

[sarahb083]

I took my husband's surname when we got married. I wasn't bothered but it was very important to him so I did it. It has been SO MUCH more of a faff than I expected. Given that this is something many, many women do, systems do not seem to be set up to accommodate it.

• Had to change mortgage documents, all bills, electoral roll, banking apps, etc. NONE of these places make it easy to change your name, and many require sending a marriage certificate through the post.
• I apply for tax free childcare every 3 months. Every 3 months, they've said they can't find me in PAYE so I have to call the childcare service and request a dropbox link so that I can send them my payslips. After 2 years of this, they've just worked out that it's because PAYE had my maiden name, despite both my employer and my childcare application having my married name.
• Changing my email at work meant I needed to change my email address for every piece of software I use. I had to contact every company and ask for my email address to be changed. Some of them seemed to have no idea what I was trying to do - surely many women have to do this?!
• Sent off for a new UK passport, along with my US passport. They sent it back because my US passport had my maiden name and they said they couldn't update my UK passport until all other passports had my new name. What if other countries have the same policy?! I had to send off my US passport, wait for it to come back, then send off my UK passport. I can't enter the US on my UK passport or vice versa, so I wasn't able to go to the US for 6+ months while this was happening.

I've spent SO MANY hours of admin and cost on something that only affects women.

I haven't changed my name and the kids have their dad's name. It wouldn't have worked to have my surname as a middle name (eg: Fitzpatrick Fitzsimmons).

My kids are now 14 and 12.

When I travel alone with the kids I take a photocopies of their birth certificate, their father's passport and a signed letter from him granting permission for us to travel without him.

In some countries travelling solo with a child is what triggers a check, rather than what names you do or don't have so it's a good idea to have these anyway (and in the case of a parent that has sadly passed away, a copy of the death certificate).

I've only ever been asked 3 times, twice by British Airways(!!) and once by UK border control on entering the UK.

I personally think it's ridiculous to rely on matching surnames as a way of ensuring kids are not travelling illegally. I have a friend who has gone through a nasty custody battle - his wife took his surname but is a risk for absconding with the kids whereas me and my different surname are no such risk. It would be sensible to have a standard procedure/set of checks/documents for all kids not travelling with 2 parents.

There is a German website (I think their version of the AA) that offers standard forms for this - although the website is in German language, the forms are multi lingual (including English):

ADAC forms

You could use this - or copy the English terms if you preferred. The middle pdf is the form for a child travelling with just their mother.

Some countries are extraordinarily strict about travelling with children - eg: South Africa requires you to present the LONG form version of a child's birth certificate, regardless of both parents travelling and your matching surnames - if you have no such thing, you can't travel (and from the experience of a friend, your Xmas plans will be ruined as a result!)

Long story short: changing your name on marriage actually doesn't insure against issues re: crossing borders with children.

More fool you and anyone else who does it (myself included!)

I did actually change part of my surname after getting married (long and complicated story as to why) - I swapped one of the surnames (which I didn't want any more) for DH's surname. I was in between jobs at the time so it wasn't a big issues from that pov. I didn't find the other admin too taxing. Updated banks, HMRC, driving licence (was due to renew it anyway). Didn't bother changing passport until it was due for renewal.

If it hadn't been for my rather specific set of circumstances relating to my surname, I wouldn't have changed anything.

If couples want to share a family name, the man can change his surname or they can both double-barrel. Why should women feel they have to change their surnames? We don't.

No, she kept her own name rather than taking her FILs.

Again, so many women hate their birth name or don't want anything to do with an abusive father so change your name when you're 18!!! You don't need another man's name to facilitate this ffs.
What needs to happen is to make it non-automatic to be able to change your name on marriage, it might make some women think twice knowing it's another step.

But it IS non-automatic.

If you do nothing, your name remains the same.

Your name only changes upon marriage if you jump through all these tedious, time-consuming and expensive bureaucratic hoops to make it happen.

And yet most women still do it.

I had the hassle both ways - changing it after marriage, and changing it back after separation... Without going into the full rant about how much time it took and stress it caused in many situations from passport renewal to job applications, I wanted to mention for anyone who wasn't aware (because I certainly wasn't!) that there is something called an unenrolled deed poll which may be useful: https://www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll/make-an-adult-deed-poll

I feel stuff like this should be in a how-to style handbook for anyone considering marriage.

The patriarchy has really been dining out on this myth about it being impossible to travel with your kids if you don’t have the exact same name for waaaaaay too long.

Try getting a bank to deal with a death of an account holder and you'll get all kinds of nonsense from "normal" customer service staff, who literally don't know their arse from their elbow and come out with all kinds of crap about what's allowed, what's not, the documents they need etc.

The bank was one of the easiest bits to deal with when my mum died, but I think it helped a lot that I still had a bank account based at that branch. Telecoms companies, OTOH... <cries at the memories>

Or maybe we (society) can stop expecting and making assumptions that women will change their names and future wives can have the lack of hassle that their husbands have. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Or maybe we (society) can stop expecting and making assumptions that women will change their names and future wives can have the lack of hassle that their husbands have. 🤷🏻‍♀️

yep. If it’s a hassle, just don’t do it. And then no one will expect our daughters to do it.

I'm sure all this hassle is one of the reasons so few men do it. Also the fact that so many people seem to think a man's surname is his own but a woman's is her father's.

I did all that then had to change it all back 12 months later when I divorced the stupid cunt.

Pardon mon Francais

Would you put a vomit emoji if a man said he did something because it was important to his wife?

I didn’t think women did this anymore.

Sure you didn't

Try getting a bank to deal with a death of an account holder and you'll get all kinds of nonsense from "normal" customer service staff

In my experience, banks building societies have been fine. The Post Office on the other hand refused to close my deceased MIL’s savings account without her signature.

You'd have to pretty blind to think women didn't chnage their name on marriage anymore.

Never changed mine. Didn’t even cross my mind. It would have impacted on me professionally (publications, networks, client recognition) and I imagine it puts many other women at a disadvantage professionally too. It also means that you ‘vanish’ to many people. I’d quite like to reconnect with some old school friends, but I don’t know what they’re called anymore.

Never changed mine. Didn’t even cross my mind. It would have impacted on me professionally (publications, networks, client recognition) and I imagine it puts many other women at a disadvantage professionally too.

It is possible to use your old name professionally and still change your family name. It’s quite common in my profession.

Oh I have a question about this! I got married in June and still haven’t got round to changing my name only on my bank and one legal document

But name changing aside… do I need to legally inform anywhere I’m actually married??

we have a joint mortgage

I didn't change mine and none of my friends did either - we are in our 50s, married mainly in our late 20s. I think it has become fashionable again to change it. I've never had any trouble travelling on my own with children etc. My children have their father's surname. If I were having them today, both DH and I would possibly re-think that. In situations around the children - doctors/friends/school, I would sometimes be called Mrs DH Surname. That didn't bother me.

I don't care what people do but I must admit if DH had told me it was very important to him that I change my name, I'd have been very surprised and it would have given me something to think about.

Ugh, I need to do this myself OP. Any tips?

I hadnt even thought about things like mortgage docs tbh.
I dont have a passport........ or a driving licence (in either name). I wonder if that makes switching easier or harder............. Im guessing harder! But at least when I do get a passport it will be with the name I want on it not the one Im currently stuck with.

Tip: Don't bother changing your name!

If you’ve acquired UK citizenship by naturalisation or your parents (as I did) then it gets quite a bit harder to do that.

For the surname-Bingo argument that it isn't feminist to keep your name on marriage because you have your father's name....

I do have my father's name.

But it was the name I was given at birth. It is on my birth certificate, it is MY name and I have had it since the day I was born.

Changing my name a good few decades into my life to a man's name would still have made the name I took my name, but I baulk at the idea of women re-branding themselves with the name of a man because they enter into what is supposed to be an equal partnership.

Do women never have their 'own' name? Women can have their own names as well as men.

DH was surprised that I didn't take his name. I told him I was happy to do so if he did all of the paperwork. I still have my maiden name!