Changing my name has been SUCH A FAFF!

[sarahb083]

I took my husband's surname when we got married. I wasn't bothered but it was very important to him so I did it. It has been SO MUCH more of a faff than I expected. Given that this is something many, many women do, systems do not seem to be set up to accommodate it.

• Had to change mortgage documents, all bills, electoral roll, banking apps, etc. NONE of these places make it easy to change your name, and many require sending a marriage certificate through the post.
• I apply for tax free childcare every 3 months. Every 3 months, they've said they can't find me in PAYE so I have to call the childcare service and request a dropbox link so that I can send them my payslips. After 2 years of this, they've just worked out that it's because PAYE had my maiden name, despite both my employer and my childcare application having my married name.
• Changing my email at work meant I needed to change my email address for every piece of software I use. I had to contact every company and ask for my email address to be changed. Some of them seemed to have no idea what I was trying to do - surely many women have to do this?!
• Sent off for a new UK passport, along with my US passport. They sent it back because my US passport had my maiden name and they said they couldn't update my UK passport until all other passports had my new name. What if other countries have the same policy?! I had to send off my US passport, wait for it to come back, then send off my UK passport. I can't enter the US on my UK passport or vice versa, so I wasn't able to go to the US for 6+ months while this was happening.

I've spent SO MANY hours of admin and cost on something that only affects women.

YABU because it's something you voluntarily done.

However, it's difficult because it's mostly women affected. Men can easily make that descision to prefer their wives changing their names. It's not them who has to deal with the hassles.

Like others say, there's a simpler route of simply changing names socially. You put Mrs Husbandname on school forms and social media. Job done.

I would also say, I don't really have too much of problem with the fact that it's a fair bit of admin requiring production of certificates etc - people shouldn't be able to change identities easily, frankly.

The justification and proof of the new identity? Fine. This should be robust.

The systems to manage that change the official identity once approved should ABSOLUTELY be easy though. OP raises a great point about the passport rule - it simply wouldn't work of everyone had the same one.

Estonia have a single point of official identity through which everything - EVERYTHING - can be managed. Because they don't have the dungbeetleshitheadbumblefuck approach to IT literacy that most governments employ.

Work email change was a bit of a faff.

That's because you can't "change" an email address. You have to create a new email address under the new name, which means you lose all your history etc., so if you want to keep the history, someone has to copy all the emails from your old address to the new one, which, depending on your email system and email provider can vary enormously as to how it can be done, and how long it will take to do it.

Then, of course, you have to tell everyone you deal with that you've got a new email address so they've got to change their address books, etc. (Yes, some, but not all, email providers allow for forwarding where emails received to one address can be auto-forwarded to another, again depends on the provider).

I really don't know why you bothered changing your email address at work.... just change your name on your email signature and say to people who ask for your email it's in your maiden name and give them the email address. You gave yourself a ton of work that was absolutely unessecary....

I've changed my surname twice. Once in the UK, once in Ireland.

I didn't really find it too much hassle. But that passport thing sounds very annoying. My passport is still in my 2nd surname. When it expires I will change it to my new (3rd) surname.

It does mean though I sometimes needed birth cert, change of name deed, current ID (with name 2) and marriage cert to change to surname 3

If you both having the same name was so important to him, he could have changed his to yours.

If he wasn't willing to do that, he has no say over what name you choose to use.

I took my husnands name by choice and had no issues changing anything over - it was all done quite quickly. Can’t comment on passports from other countries but you can change your name before you get married.

most things you you send your marriage certificate off (don’t know why they haven’t got with the game and have it all on electronic database they could look up with the number) but not the end of the world. Mortgage, bills, council tax where all in my maiden name and no issues same with licence and passport and then hmrc was also fine and no issues with tax or student loan either. Yes it’s a slight faff but not the end of the world and a choice to make whether to do it or not.

if we get divorced i won’t be changing it as its my kids surname and if i’ve been my married name longer than my maiden name at that point i see it as mine not his

Is it easier to change your name by deed poll?

It does seem ridiculous that if you choose to change your name after marriage, that it takes so long and is so long winded.

Of all the couples I've known that have married over the past 20 years, three went for combining surnames (one same sex couple). Of the remainder, two couples kept their surname (both same sex couples). With the others, 11 women took their husbands surnames, two other same sex couples just took one surname, and at the most recent wedding, bride and groom took a completely new name (neither of their surnames), although the groom had changed his name to this prior to marriage.

Definitely outdated. Don't get it. Why even bother tacking his surname onto yours?

@MrsRandom123

I took my husnands name by choice and had no issues changing anything over - it was all done quite quickly. Can’t comment on passports from other countries but you can change your name before you get married.

Ditto, happily changed my name, I prefer his surname anyway, and we have a "black sheep" in my family who lives locally, so I was happy to change name to put a bit of distance between us - didn't really want friends or neighbours thinking we were related!

No problems at all changing the name, but I did it in an organised/longer term manner, i.e. kept maiden name for our honeymoon and first couple of holidays until my passport expiry, to save the faff/risk of mis-matched names between flight tickets and passport (far easier than carrying marriage certificate around). Changed driving licence name at the same time I changed my car, so new car and new driving in the same married name.

Just changed name with NHS and HMRC after the dust had settled, maybe a year or two after marriage, and changed name at work at the same time, so HMRC details would match up.

Can't really remember what we did with utilities, phones, banks, etc - I think we just changed things piecemeal over a few years at our convenience. In fact, thinking about it I've still got one credit card with a different bank, in my maiden name, which I've clearly forgotten to change (26 years later!!!), but it's never been an issue.

Can't recall any stress etc at all, but then again, we didn't try to do too much at once, and tried to keep things "matched", i.e. passport and flight tickets, car ownership/insurance and driving licence, etc.

I know two men who changed to their wives surnames, one because his was hideous, and the other because he has no contact with his dads side of the family.

I chose to take my husbands, we discussed it, didn’t want to double barrel, and his is a much nicer name than mine was. I don’t know why people get so het up about it; live and let live.

I changed my name five years ago and it really didn't feel like a big deal.

But then you don't need to update it on everything - it's perfectly legal to use two surnames as long as you're not trying to do something dodgy.

I never had this problem of sending fafferies anywhere by post. I changed my name by deed poll rather than marriage certificate due to what I was changing. Most places were happy with the deed poll sent as an email attachment or uploaded photo, sometimes alongside my updated passport. I never gave it a second thought.

The only place that ever wanted my marriage cert was the Chinese Embassy and they wanted EVERYTHING.

Given that more women will change their name by marriage cert and more trans people will change their name by deed poll, the inequality in the systems set up to accommodate them is striking, isn't it?

Yes when your name signifies that you belong to your father that's far more emancipated. 🙄
Live and let live.

I haven’t found it a particular hassle changing mine to my dhs. I just did the important stuff and didn’t bother with emails and stuff like Amazon. I went into the bank with my marriage cert and my passport was easy enough. Work were pretty good too. yes I wanted my dhs surname because it was important to me, we only had 8 days of marriage together

In Spain we don't change our surnames on marriage. I have two surnames my father's and my mother's. My children have DH's and my surnames.
Generally the father's surname goes first but it doesn't have to.

I like the Spanish system. When you have children, how do you pick which two of the four surnames to give them?

Leaving aside the issue of whether it is right or wrong for a woman to change her name, I was really surprised by how difficult it was given how common it is to change one's name on marriage, and it still makes me angry because it is an issue that will primarily affect women.

Banks were definitely the worst, and every one wants something different. I would have had to go in person to NatWest but there aren't any branches near me so I just closed my account. Luckily I could because it wasn't my main current account.

But don't your children (usually) get both of your fathers names, and the mothers get lost along the way?

It's not actually "difficult" though, is it?

Your problem with the bank was lack of a local branch. That difficulty applies for other things too regarding changing bank details due to the legal requirement to prove identity/address etc requiring original documents. My son has just moved for his first job to a different city. He can't change his address with the bank because they insist he goes into a branch with "proof" of his identity and new address, but, like you, he can't because there isn't a local branch, so in the meantime, he'll continue using our home address for his "official" bank address until he can get to a branch, which could be months, if not years, as he only comes home at weekends, and of course, the bank branch in our home town isn't open on weekends!

Same with the other posters re HMRC - contacting HMRC is a PITA for whatever reason and yes, they lose documents on a daily basis, so it's not just name change on marriage that's a problem, it's virtually everything with HMRC because their admin/organisation is shambolic.

Not necessarily. Nowadays you can choose the order of the surnames, it is usually father´s first mother´s second, but it can be mothers first, father´s second, so the father´s would get lost in the depths of time. It basically shows from what two families you come from.

This is one of the (many many) reasons I didn't even consider it

That's no different for men though is it, by this logic their surname shows they belong to their father too. But by and large they keep it on marriage and that's the unequal bit.