How do you react when one person in work doesn't say hi and pretends you're not there?

Disappointedsofa · 2023-09-27T11:49:25+00:00

I have recently started a new office job, it's a small office with 6 or 7 people working in it. I've noticed the last few days, one woman in particular doesn't say hello or talk to me but talks to everyone one else. It's so annoying as every one else is lovely but it can just take one person to ruin my whole day. I've started ignoring them back and am just going to mirror their energy. But it sometimes takes more effort to consciously ignore someone than to just be natural and talk to someone. I'm quite a friendly person that can get on with most people , but I won't tolerate rudeness from someone when they don't even acknowledge I'm there so they will get the same rudeness back from me. I know it's not something I've done as I've only started a couple of weeks ago. I also don't want to bring the subject up as I don't want it to be a 'thing' especially as I've just started recently. How can you just walk past someone and not even look at them but speak to everyone else? Would you do the same and just ignore them?

FatandRoundBouncingontheGround · 27/09/2023 12:57

Maybe, just maybe, it's not about you?

Maybe the person is very inhibited and finds new people scary, but has built up trust in the other people?

I would continue to speak to them as if they were the same as everyone else, certainly with regard to work matters, because I understand that taking everything personally and jumping to conclusions about someone's presentation is a bit silly. Maybe because I am old.

applecharlotte12 · 27/09/2023 12:57

This is so uncomfortable for you 🙁I would probably address it to be honest. Ask to have a chat 1:1 and in a very non confrontational way just share that you've noticed their behaviour and wanted to check everything was okay.

They might pretend to not be aware of the issue, when you raise it but then start to say hi going forward. Or there may be other things going on for that person that you aren't aware of. Not that you should tolerate it, and I would probably escalate it if the lack of inclusivity continues after an initial chat.

As you say, this kind of thing has a big effect on how people experience work and it's really not okay.

howmanyflutes · 27/09/2023 12:57

You beat me to it

ClusterFukt · 27/09/2023 12:59

I don’t think it would bother me. I’d probably just talk to them anyway when needed and not think much of it. If they have a problem with me it’s theirs to deal with, not mine.

applecharlotte12 · 27/09/2023 12:59

@FatandRoundBouncingontheGround but saying hello to someone you work with in a small team is fairly basic social etiquette I think.

ShadowPuppets · 27/09/2023 13:00

I had this once. No reason. She was just an utter bitch and had decided for reasons unbeknownst to anyone that she didn’t like me. I got on brilliantly with the rest of the team.

I mentioned it to my manager a few times but got ‘sorry, we know it’s hard for you but that’s just what she’s like’. With hindsight I wish I’d gone to HR but she was senior to me and had been there longer.

In the end she was fired year later for gross misconduct on something related to her work. Was a great day 😁 sorry though, doesn’t help I know. I would raise it with your manager - nothing to lose if you do it as a ‘I don’t understand this…’ rather than a ‘why is she such a cow?’

Abra1t · 27/09/2023 13:01

FatandRoundBouncingontheGround · 27/09/2023 12:57

Maybe, just maybe, it's not about you?

Maybe the person is very inhibited and finds new people scary, but has built up trust in the other people?

I would continue to speak to them as if they were the same as everyone else, certainly with regard to work matters, because I understand that taking everything personally and jumping to conclusions about someone's presentation is a bit silly. Maybe because I am old.

They're at work. Professional behaviour means you say good morning and make brief eye contact.

FatandRoundBouncingontheGround · 27/09/2023 13:02

applecharlotte12 · 27/09/2023 12:57

This is so uncomfortable for you 🙁I would probably address it to be honest. Ask to have a chat 1:1 and in a very non confrontational way just share that you've noticed their behaviour and wanted to check everything was okay.

They might pretend to not be aware of the issue, when you raise it but then start to say hi going forward. Or there may be other things going on for that person that you aren't aware of. Not that you should tolerate it, and I would probably escalate it if the lack of inclusivity continues after an initial chat.

As you say, this kind of thing has a big effect on how people experience work and it's really not okay.

Sorry, but this is really problematic and NT centric.

We don't know why this person has limited social skills. It's all inferred by the newbie that the person is rude, because she is taking personally something that probably isn't personal, given that as she says, she only just arrived at work and hasn't done anything wrong.

Lack of inclusivity goes two ways. Why should a very shy person, or a socially awkward person, be disciplined (or have it "escalated")? Why is their way wrong and your way right?

Original poster

Disappointedsofa · 27/09/2023 13:04

@FatandRoundBouncingontheGround but she's not socially awkward with anyone else, I've seen her laughing with the other staff

OP posts:

FatandRoundBouncingontheGround · 27/09/2023 13:05

In fact this whole thread is chock full of ablist assumptions.

Just because something is basic social etiquette doesn't mean everyone can do it successfully.

Original poster

Disappointedsofa · 27/09/2023 13:07

@FatandRoundBouncingontheGround again, she can do social etiquette with everyone else , just not with me. I don't think her being awkward is the issue, she's just plain rude

OP posts:

WandaWonder · 27/09/2023 13:07

It really wouldn't bother me I say a general hello and don't keep count of who says it or not back

TreesAtSea · 27/09/2023 13:07

FatandRoundBouncingontheGround · 27/09/2023 12:57

Maybe, just maybe, it's not about you?

Maybe the person is very inhibited and finds new people scary, but has built up trust in the other people?

I would continue to speak to them as if they were the same as everyone else, certainly with regard to work matters, because I understand that taking everything personally and jumping to conclusions about someone's presentation is a bit silly. Maybe because I am old.

This.

FatandRoundBouncingontheGround · 27/09/2023 13:08

Disappointedsofa · 27/09/2023 13:04

@FatandRoundBouncingontheGround but she's not socially awkward with anyone else, I've seen her laughing with the other staff

That's how social inhibition and being introverted works. Shy and awkward at first, warm up later.

Just give it a month without judgement. Act like it doesn't bother you. Maybe ask a friendly coworker if she is shy.

If after another month she is the same, have a quiet word with her.

applecharlotte12 · 27/09/2023 13:08

@FatandRoundBouncingontheGround the OP mentioned this behaviour is only towards her as an individual and not how they interact with the rest of the team.

Original poster

Disappointedsofa · 27/09/2023 13:08

I think it's the bare minimum to smile and/ or say hello to someone, she doesn't even do that.
She acts as though I'm not there

OP posts:

AlisonDonut · 27/09/2023 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 27/09/2023 13:10

I wouldn’t think anything of it. Everyone is different and I wouldn’t have anyway of knowing her history as to why she is how she is. I would just continue to say hi and move on with my day. Just be polite. If she ever feels like approaching you she will.
It’s not about her and it’s not about you.

Original poster

Disappointedsofa · 27/09/2023 13:11

I'm not going to say hi to someone who won't say it back and walks past me and can't even look at me

OP posts:

twobluechickens · 27/09/2023 13:11

I would kill with kindness. I had this with a (male) colleague who just stared at me the first time I said hello. So I carried on saying hello, bye when I left, have a good weekend etc. Eventually he warmed up and we now have a really good working relationship.

I also did this with a neighbour who was aggressive to me when I had recently moved in. I just said hello every time I saw him. I fussed his dogs if they came over. Eventually he also warmed up and while we were never friends, he offered to do stuff for me from time to time.

I couldn't give a shit if they liked me or not, but I wasn't going to be the difficult one. If you are polite and friendly (but professional) with her it will be patently obvious to your colleagues and managers that it's her who's the problem, not you.

FatandRoundBouncingontheGround · 27/09/2023 13:14

applecharlotte12 · 27/09/2023 13:08

@FatandRoundBouncingontheGround the OP mentioned this behaviour is only towards her as an individual and not how they interact with the rest of the team.

Which is how being introverted works for some people. Takes a while to build up trust.

The point is, we don't know, so why make assumptions that it's personal and that this woman is just rude? Why not behave professionally, give the benefit of the doubt, and see how it goes? Why escalate to deliberately ignoring back or confronting her? Why not ponder on whether it might not be personal?

ProtectorExtraordinaryOfTheCantonsOfNim · 27/09/2023 13:15

applecharlotte12 · 27/09/2023 13:08

@FatandRoundBouncingontheGround the OP mentioned this behaviour is only towards her as an individual and not how they interact with the rest of the team.

Or "the OP mentioned this behaviour is only towards the one new member of the team that this person has only just met and not how they interact with people they've known for years."

It's all in the spin you put on the information.

Secondaryschoolstress · 27/09/2023 13:15

HR here
Our organisation would take these sorts of micro aggressions seriously.
We can all have off days or things going on at home, and moods spill over into work. But what your describing is someone creating at atmosphere when you’re around and it’s creating a negative work place environment.
My advice would be to quietly mention it to your line manager. It’s then their job to manage the issue. They should find out what’s going on for that person, explore whether they are aware of their behaviour, the impact it’s having and support them to improve.
That doesn’t mean they report back to you the ins and outs though. They need to maintain confidentiality. But you should notice an improvement.

PurpleChrayne · 27/09/2023 13:17

FatandRoundBouncingontheGround · 27/09/2023 13:05

In fact this whole thread is chock full of ablist assumptions.

Just because something is basic social etiquette doesn't mean everyone can do it successfully.

Oh get off your high horse and read the OP!

SirChenjins · 27/09/2023 13:18

I would give it a bit more time - be the better person, continue with the hellos, ask her the same polite questions as you ask the rest of the team, that sort of basic workplace etiquette. If she continues to ignore you then a quiet word along the lines of 'can I ask, have I done something wrong, I can't help noticing you ignore me' type thing. If it continues after that then a word with your manager is in order and possibly HR if it doesn't improve. Ignoring a team member whilst interacting with everyone else is bullying behaviour and I wouldn't and don't tolerate it in my team.

The only thing I wonder is whether you're a bit chatty? You said you're very friendly - are you talking a lot when you're being friendly?