How do you react when one person in work doesn't say hi and pretends you're not there?

[Disappointedsofa]

I have recently started a new office job, it's a small office with 6 or 7 people working in it.
I've noticed the last few days, one woman in particular doesn't say hello or talk to me but talks to everyone one else.
It's so annoying as every one else is lovely but it can just take one person to ruin my whole day.
I've started ignoring them back and am just going to mirror their energy. But it sometimes takes more effort to consciously ignore someone than to just be natural and talk to someone.
I'm quite a friendly person that can get on with most people , but I won't tolerate rudeness from someone when they don't even acknowledge I'm there so they will get the same rudeness back from me.
I know it's not something I've done as I've only started a couple of weeks ago. I also don't want to bring the subject up as I don't want it to be a 'thing' especially as I've just started recently.
How can you just walk past someone and not even look at them but speak to everyone else?
Would you do the same and just ignore them?

It's tough but you need to pretend that you haven't noticed her behaviour and carrying on saying hello/goodbye. You just need to be professional not best mates.

Something very similar happened to me many years ago. It turned out that people in the office noticed and this particular member of staff was managed out (due to this and other unacceptable behaviour).

@FatandRoundBouncingontheGround An introvert is not someone who is scared to speak to people!

So your answer is to act the same way?

The others in the office have worked together for a longer time. So it really is possible that she's learned to be confident with them. You've been there an entire two weeks.

This is outside the scope of this thread, but...frankly, people pay lipservice to inclusion. People with autism and SM often cannot (can not, not "will not") initiate communication. It's too much work for people to accommodate. They think SM is just not speaking, when it's often a communication inhibition, and that includes initiation of communication in all forms including writing. So he could respond to an email, but not send one out.

No he could not let anyone know it was not personal - he would need someone else to do it on his behalf. If someone asked him if it was personal he might be able to reply that it isn't.

There's still a basic assumption in your post that if he could just find a way to .... - well he can't. That's the disability. Just like if he couldn't see at all it wouldn't matter how much he screws up his eyes. And it doesn't matter that some people with visual impairment can see shades of light. He can't see at all.

What he would need to work is a totally non judgemental employer who would give him a year, during which they anticipate that he will be unable to initiate any communication. They would have to check in with him, because he can't check in with them. If they could do it for 6 months, they'd maybe begin to get some speech. After a year they would find out he is very funny, very witty, extremely clever and knowledgeable. But no one puts in that amount of support, so as far as I can see he will never work.

I appreciate this isn't the situation in the OP. But maybe you can see why I find assumptions of ill intent -with very little evidence - when communication is concerned extremely triggering.

Ok I'm not going to completely ignore her, I will try and say hello a couple more times and see, but if I still get ignored then I won't continue greeting her

Are you younger, slimmer and prettier by any chance OP ?
I have been told outright by a work colleague they didn't like me initially because of the way l looked..

I have slightly similar.

A woman I work with is awful. I worked here previously a few years ago covering for a colleague on maternity leave, and this woman didn't like me for whatever reason. She made it very clear, was rude to me, belittled me if I spoke, refused to pass over any information. We had different job roles but she wouldn't hand over anything that fell under my remit, she would just leave it not done.
I raised it with management and they basically said yeah we know she's like that, you aren't the first person to have an issue but she's senior. So they refused to do anything at all.

A few months ago I got a job back with the team, and she still works here. Since day one she has completely blanked me. To the extent of saying things like oh we have nobody covering that area here when I'm literally sat a few desks away, interrupting me if I'm having a conversation with somebody to talk to them about something else, just directly talking over me when we are mid conversation etc. She basically pretends I'm invisible.
Honestly, I don't give a shit 🤷‍♀️. I would much rather her ignore me than bully me like before, and it's been noted by multiple managers. She's a woman in her mid 50s, she just makes herself look pathetic and everyone rolls their eyes at her.

I would take a win win approach - super friendly hi every single day. If she’s shy, it’s the right approach. And if she’s a bitch, then I’m the new employee so I’m playing the long game and making it really obvious I’m not a bitch, but also that I’m not easily humiliated and I don’t let this stuff just slide, in a way no one can object to. This would work out well for you at some point in the next few months. Every time you say hi, think to yourself ha I bet thats pissing you off 😁

Oh and I fully ignore her back now, I pretend she isn't in the office.
I tried when I worked here last time, and it left me in a position where I was having counselling for bullying, wanted to quit work and would sit in my car until the second I had to be in the office in tears because of how much I dreaded going in to work.
I have no intention of putting myself through that again, if she wants to pretend I don't exist then she is more than welcome to.

@FatandRoundBouncingontheGround do you think the adjustments an employer would have to make for your son are reasonable?

I think for some employers it may be. If you found an employer who could swallow the impact of the reduced contact and who had the capacity to actively support your son in the way he needs it.

But I don't think it's fair to expect every employer, or even most, to be able to accommodate that. It absolutely sucks for your son and you as his mum. It must feel awful to know that your son is missing out on paid employment, and I'm really sorry he has to go through that. But all businesses and organisations need to cover their costs and many exist to make profits. That's capitalism.

Having said all that, perhaps he could volunteer somewhere in a low contact role (gardening as an example) and then, when he feels more comfortable around people, apply for different roles. I'm assuming he can claim benefits to support himself.

Inclusivity as a theory is undoubtedly necessary. But it isn't always possible, especially in certain environments.

I also think what you've missed in OPs thread is the effect it's having on OP. You're projecting your experiences in defending the colleague but in doing so have neglected to see the negative impact it's having on OP. If the colleague HAS got a condition that makes communicating with new people difficult, she should inform her employer who she is now comfortable with and they can let new colleagues know. That would be most inclusive for everyone involved.

@Stripyunicorn omg that's so horrible, what a total bitch. She's obvs jealous of you if she's keeping it up. You shouldn't be allowed to be systematically ignored by the same person , hopefully she leaves or retires early!

When I was here last time she had said she was retiring in 18 months.
Honestly, if I had known she hadn't left I wouldn't have gone for the job here.

It's literally my dream job, work/hours/commute, everything is perfect. But I would've stayed elsewhere if I knew she was still here.

Because her behaviour is not acceptable in the workplace.

Why should OP work in an atmosphere because this woman might be unable to say hello

When it's most likely that she's just a cliquey bully?

I think @FatandRoundBouncingontheGround (love the username btw 😁😀) has made a good point in saying that the OP should treat this other lady as she would anyone else and not assume ill intent. I know this behaviour can feel hurtful and rude and I'm not surprised the OP feels the way she does but sometimes we can help smooth things by being the bigger person.

If there is ill intent on the part of this woman then maybe she will feel ashamed of her behaviour and change it in the face of OK continuing to be her usual friendly self around her. No guarantee and of course it might be extreme social anxiety or some other ND issue,but it's worth a try. Never stoop to someone else's level if their behaviour is less than ideal.

This. Are you stunningly beautiful? Maybe she's jealous.😃

There does come a point that this becomes bullying though, and needs to be addressed. Some people use freezing out as a technique to undermine and belittle, and whilst it’s fine to give that person the benefit of the doubt for a while ultimately it has to be dealt with in the same way as other forms of workplace bullying.

My son is socially awkward and has selective mutism. Some people he will happily talk to, some he just can't, some people he will happily interact with, some he just can't. While interventions are in place for him, he may continue this way until adulthood. He is not rude in any way shape or form!

To call someone rude when you don't know their personal situation is pretty naive on your part.

@Wheelz46 will you not intend to support your son by encouraging him to let employers/affected people know what the issue is? So at least they're aware it's not personal or intentionally rude?

Will you both just assume everyone will accommodate this with no explanation? If so, that's really not fair on those affected and on your son who could find the wrong person takes offense.

It’s not naive, it’s a natural reaction to being ignored by someone who is happy to laugh, joke and interact with others in the team. If it is indeed selective mutism or something similar then that should be made clear by the OP’s manager - no-one in a new role should be made to feel like that without support.

I had a family member do that to me once.

I went the opposite way with a huge cheery "well hello ignoring me person! How are you today ? " or something similar. Make straight eye contact and watch them squirm, mumble or ignore you. Whichever way they look like a complete arse. Which they are.

Eventually other family mrr we movers read her the riot act and she swing to bring sickly nice like nothing had ever happened. She was fecking weird.

We are no longer related (I divorced).

I can see what you mean. Not the same scenario really but I had a friend I met in a group activity we did in our local community centre , we got on well, then one day be just stopped speaking to me and ghosted me in front of other people . He has PTSD, as I do (and he knows this) and sometimes doesn't feel like talking to people (I'm the same)_but these days he talks to everyone except me.

I wouldn't say he is a bully, he has always been lovely . The only thing I can think of is that I have done something to upset him (I can be a bit tactless sometimes because I'm socially very inept (autism has been suspected but not confirmed diagnosis) and a history of being badly bullied by peers and adults as a child, I can imagine may be I shared an unpopular opinion that the was not meant maliciously (I don't have a mean bone in my body) and didn't realise it struck a nerve with him? I do wish he would tell me so I can apologise and put it right. I wouldn't say he a bully but this feels like horrible behaviour . Reminds me of those old school stories by Enid Blyton when someone was "sent to coventry" and I have always thought that was horrid even when the "offender" had behaved awfully, even being a bully themselves. Very cowardly behaviour and I'm shocked because my friend is not a coward, he has been through so much.

I've worked in many small offices (dozens), and probably wouldn't/didn't even notice the occasional person not being particularly friendly. It's pretty common. I'd suggest you don't give it too much head space - just do your job, talk to her when necessary about your job and don't obsess about anything else.

It’s never going to improve if you do this especially as you are new. Maybe she was like this with every new colleague until she warmed up?

I had a similar experience with a school gate mum who interacted, smiled, laughed etc with everyone but me. I carried on saying good morning etc but gave it up after a few weeks as it was obvious I was never going to get anywhere, but at least I knew I tried.

No I don't think they are 'reasonable'. Neither does the government which is why they have put him on lcwra. I don't "expect" every employer to do it. I do think the adjustments are possible, and they would be the difference between 40 years of being a productive citizen Vs 40 years on benefits. So it's terribly sad that no one sees him as an investment, he's chucked on the scrapheap at 22 because no one can invest a year in him.

The little help out there is pitiful. Why should my techie coding highly intelligent into microelectronics and microbiology son have to work in horticulture or animal care or hospitality or wherever, just because that's where the government schemes are?

Anyway none of this is relevant to the OP. Her situation is very different.

I haven't missed the impact on OP - but I do think, at this stage, it's a perceived impact. Because her belief is that this is a deliberate snubbing of her, she perceives it as hurtful. If she believed that the woman is probably shy, she'd have a different experience of the exact same behaviour.

All I am saying is, it might not be about her at all, and even if it is, the only way to behave at this point is professionally. Not start tit for tat ignoring.

@Hummingbird233@SirChenjins I understand where you are coming from and of course I will continue to support my son up to and including adulthood and we will take advice from a physchologist in how best to move forward in the workplace. Of course, I hope together we can get him to overcome this.

If he doesn't overcome these anxieties, it will remain on his medical records, they are his medical records and although he maybe encouraged to share his anxieties, he may choose not to and I would have to support that. You can't just share someone's medical records without consent and besides it may make his anxieties worse by being forced to open up about them.

Of course it’s his right not to share them, but depending on what role/sector he moves into he may need to go through an Occ Health assessment and he may feel that sharing them is more productive in that it allows his employer to put reasonable adjustments and other support in place. It also means that others (and in particular, new staff) are also supported by management if his behaviour negatively impacts them.