How do you react when one person in work doesn't say hi and pretends you're not there?

[Disappointedsofa]

I have recently started a new office job, it's a small office with 6 or 7 people working in it.
I've noticed the last few days, one woman in particular doesn't say hello or talk to me but talks to everyone one else.
It's so annoying as every one else is lovely but it can just take one person to ruin my whole day.
I've started ignoring them back and am just going to mirror their energy. But it sometimes takes more effort to consciously ignore someone than to just be natural and talk to someone.
I'm quite a friendly person that can get on with most people , but I won't tolerate rudeness from someone when they don't even acknowledge I'm there so they will get the same rudeness back from me.
I know it's not something I've done as I've only started a couple of weeks ago. I also don't want to bring the subject up as I don't want it to be a 'thing' especially as I've just started recently.
How can you just walk past someone and not even look at them but speak to everyone else?
Would you do the same and just ignore them?

Yes, I think that may work, if the O P hasn't already tried this.

@Disappointedsofa it may be that for whatever daft reason she just doesn't like you and I know that must feel horrible, but if you continue to act normally people will eventually see you aren't the problem here. If she starts turning other people against you on the other hand that's 100% a bullying issue.

First I would say that responding in kind is not the way to go, you need to continue to be professional. But for this person -

Lack of inclusivity goes two ways. Why should a very shy person, or a socially awkward person, be disciplined (or have it "escalated")? Why is their way wrong and your way right?

Because this is not professional behaviour. No one is asking everyone to be outgoing and bubbly, but saying hello when someone greets you is good manners and a reasonable expectation from all. And if this employee is not ND, her behaviour is abusive.

I struggle socially due to a very severely traumatic childhood and possible but as yet undiagnosed ASD. I am shy and find it hard to trust so I do get where people are coming from but I would be thinking maybe the person here isn't in the right job for them? I think there must be other jobs available ?.

I appreciate I am higher functioning than some people with the kind of issues I have and even though I find it extremely difficult to say hello or make small talk with people I don't know well (often even with those I do) if I couldn't say even a basic hello in response I would wonder if I need a job that isn't office based? Something where I could work from home or be self employed?

I'm not saying that's possible for everyone but I am finding it hard to believe someone who can't manage hello and then saying nothing else would even choose a job where they around people ?

I don't see it in the OP so I'm curious what happened when you asked your boss?

I had this and it escalated to the person being mean spirited and then antagonistic. I was an anxious mess by the time I left but I sent my line manager and email with three examples of conduct that she could verify separately.

Keep a watching eye, fiver says she is the office bully.

Happened to me years ago, the so called Queen bee tried to make my life miserable.

She and I shared an office, she told the MD she couldn't share an office with me any longer, so he stuck the office junior in with her and gave me a lovely office with a great view, she hated me even more then.

After the company closed, she was telling anyone who would listen about the fact that she had a job lined up already, yes indeedy shopper in JS, I used to take great delight in swanning past her and saying afternoon Jane.....................

Then the police came knocking on her door and she had been helping the MD inflate the figures and ultimately defraud the bank. Oh how I laughed.

@Wheelz46 I appreciate that medical records are confidential and of course your son wouldn't be bound to disclose them. BUT the world isn't and never will be perfect. So if he wanted adjustments, he'd need to disclose why. I think that's fair to be honest. Why is it any different to applying for a blue parking permit and having to evidence your disability?

I’d carry on being friendly. They may have a reason for their behaviour that you’re not yet aware of.

@Hummingbird233 As my son is still only primary aged, I have no experience in workplace adjustments for his anxieties and I honestly hope he manages to overcome them.

However, if he doesn't based on how he interacts now and if he had a disability requiring a blue badge, he would have no issues filling out a form and returning it. What would make him uncomfortable and his anxiety worse is having people he knows and interacts with knowing his medical details.

If he manages to secure a job when he is older, I mean he would have to somehow find a way of letting the recruiting manager know of his anxieties but not those further down the ladder, not everyone has a right to know his medical details. Of course if they chose to recruit him, it would then be up to them to come up with reasonable adjustments.

I totally wish I hadn't thought of this now, I am already worried about his high school years and how children will perceive him and it's not too far away. I am thinking far too ahead worrying about employment too.

I'd be more intense. "Hi everyone!" "Hi Jane, you're very quiet today!" Talk to her individually, greet her directly.

I cba with people too nervous to say hello to someone they have to see every day.

Make a mental note.
Had this once. The person concerned ended up being sacked for years of nasty crap like this to tens of people.

Genuine question, but how much do you need to trust someone to say good morning to them?

Its a throwaway comment, you don't even have to say it to them, you can say it as you walk past

I worked with someone like this. I made sure I always wished them a cheerful and heartfelt “good morning” every day because I knew it pissed them off. I then felt I had fulfilled my social duties got up their nose for the day and could return to ignoring them.

Yes, @megletthesecond , similar with me. I got targetted when new into a team by someone with a long history of picking someone to bully. Everyone knew she did it, but everyone, including the management had been too scared to pick her up on it.

As for the PP point that saying hello does not involve massive levels of trust, absolutely. You dont have to share all your intimate details, or your medical records. But if you genuinely cannot say hello to people when you walk into an office, they need to know there is a real reason for this. Otherwise people will assume the worst, because that is a more usual situation in workplaces. Better for everyone in the team to know not to take this personally if there is a reason for it. But if the reason is that the person has taken against you because you got a job they wanted, or look like someone they dont like, or you are younger then they are - fuck that. This is work, not the playground. Certain standards of behaviour are rightfully expected.

Some people hate new people joining the team. Maybe she sees you as a threat. Typical school playground mentality which sadly some never grow out of. The school bitches just move to workplaces!

Ps , when this person left I put 1p in their collection because it then gave me the moral right to write a passive aggressive , and very prominent, comment in their leaving card.

🤣🤣👌

If that really is a genuine question, then here's the genuine answer.

People who have genuine selective mutism (and I am not saying this is the situation here, but just because you asked) have more issues with "basic politeness" words than almost any others. That is because different forms of communication have different levels of what is called "communication load" - that is, the "risk" attached to that speech, how much it relates to personal issues, and one's history/experience with that piece of speech. People with SM, and often autistic people too, are very sensitive to communication load, though they rarely would be able to explicitly say why some speech gets stuck but other times they are able to speak, but this is why.

For example, rote speech (eg reciting days if the week) or factual responding (eg what time is it, what is the weather forecast) are low risk. They are either known to be correct or shared from a direct trusted source. Reading aloud, assuming the person is a competent reader, again low risk.
Whereas giving an opinion, sharing a guess, these are higher risk (of being wrong, or displeasing the listener) and so more likely to trigger anxiety.

Professional speech is easier than personal speech, because it is less exposing of one's private self. For example telling someone the sales figures might be easier than telling someone what you plan to do after work. Because as a professional, one is one step away from the self. It's Katie the accountant giving those figures, whereas it's Katie the human revealing her after work plans, and that can be inhibiting.

Finally, words that have been a source of trauma are especially hard. These are generally 5 words - hello, goodbye, please, thankyou, and sorry. That's because these are the words a child with SM is placed under repeated enormous pressure to say, and given repeated negative feedback for not saying. "Say thankyou to granny for the present, or she will think you are rude". "Say hello to Jennie or she wont want to play with you". "You have to say goodbye to people, it's very rude if you don't". Hello has the added complication of being an opener and an invitation for further communication passes from the other person. Bye is marginally easier because at least it's an ending.

So no, it isn't always pretty simple to just say hi or good morning to work colleagues if you have SM. It's often one of the hardest things to do.

We had a nasty case where someone with poor mental health was mercilessly bullied by another member of staff. To the point where they were quite frankly very wary of being near anyone else. So anyone new and unknown became automatically a person to avoid incase they were subjected to bullying again. Although the original perpetrator was dealt with, the trauma still lives on long after. Trust once destroyed doesn’t always return and self preservation is a very strong emotion to have to overcome.

Just a heads up - on the offchance that you ever did do this to a person with SM, you would be very cruel indeed. And SM isn't that rare - about 1 percent of children.

Would you say you CBA with people in wheelchairs? Would you go up to them and say "Hi Jane, you're very paralysed today?" No, because it would make you an arse.

Ok ty, that makes sense if that's the reasoning behind it.

If someone cant speak to people at work something like the above should be sent round the office to let people know there is an issue, and the possible issues behind it.

It's all well and good saying it's their private information - and no one wants private medical info - but if you are incapable of speaking to people in normal day to day situations people would fare better if colleagues were told something like this.

It would avoid offense being taken by the people that are ignored and stop people loudly saying good morning, putting people on the spot to answer them.

Yes, I would recommend some info sharing.

However even people who think they are kind or think they understand SM or anxiety rarely understand this kind of nuance. People who can sometimes speak and sometimes not are invariably accused by others as "choosing not to speak" or rude or snobby. No one ever thinks "maybe some things are easier to say". Even though they do know that some things are easier to say. Just ask them to talk to Mike from IT about his personal hygiene and they will have a real live experience of what speech inhibition due to high communication load - high risk speech - feels like!

There was someone like this where I used to work. I made a point of saying good morning to him every morning and eventually he started saying it back. Funny guy. I actually liked him a lot but he took a while to warm to 😅