How do you react when one person in work doesn't say hi and pretends you're not there?

[Disappointedsofa]

I have recently started a new office job, it's a small office with 6 or 7 people working in it.
I've noticed the last few days, one woman in particular doesn't say hello or talk to me but talks to everyone one else.
It's so annoying as every one else is lovely but it can just take one person to ruin my whole day.
I've started ignoring them back and am just going to mirror their energy. But it sometimes takes more effort to consciously ignore someone than to just be natural and talk to someone.
I'm quite a friendly person that can get on with most people , but I won't tolerate rudeness from someone when they don't even acknowledge I'm there so they will get the same rudeness back from me.
I know it's not something I've done as I've only started a couple of weeks ago. I also don't want to bring the subject up as I don't want it to be a 'thing' especially as I've just started recently.
How can you just walk past someone and not even look at them but speak to everyone else?
Would you do the same and just ignore them?

You sound very immature. You're at work, not in a school playground. Tit for tat behaviour will get you nowhere and just reflects badly on you. Regardless of how you feel about this colleague's behaviour, continuing to be civil towards her will show you to be a decent colleague, which is surely the impression you want to give, particularly as you're relatively new there.

Even if the person is introverted or neurodiverse, they need to be supported to be able to offer a basic hello and follow basic office etiquette. Otherwise it’s creating a disharmonious workplace. And it’s a barrier for them in progressing or having positive working relationships and which also impacts the organisation. And I say this as someone who is neurodiverse.
must a life skill and as important as reading and writing. It’s why most (not all) job descriptions detail ‘good communication skills’

You probably giving it way more thought than she is, you are turning it into a thing and to her she is just going on with her job, she doesn't say hello and? You can choose to think she is rude and move on why the need for the drama?

Well then, you're as bad as her.

If she doesn't join in the general hello's, I'd simply follow with "and hello Janet!" and smile.
If she's awkward with new people, then you've done the right thing in making yourself approachable. If she's just rude, you've made it clear that you've noticed that, and maybe she'll be more polite next time.

Oh just going chat to her. Ask her how her weekend was etc

You don't have to like someone to do that- it's called being as adult.

So what if she hates you? Who give a shit what she thinks. Just go and make small talk to make work bearable.

It's far more likely that she's plain rude than being so utterly hamstrung by severely disabling social awkwardness/neurodiversity that she can't smile at someone. I'm sure OP is not expecting instant bonding and deep discussions in the ladies' loos, but some basic manners is not too much to expect.

Oh dear, so your feelings are hurt. Your actions will definitely not change anything. You are just reinforcing what’s currently happening. The only end result is that your feelings will be hurt even more, ironically by your own reaction.

the existing team evidently have zero problems with her and know her well. They don’t know you. By taking your proposed action, which will be noticed by them, doesn’t make you the likeable or approachable one. Do you really want to be that person? Noticed by the rest of team to be alienating the one person who’s been there ages and may have a history you know nothing of. Fair enough if you do.

just be nice, smile or nod or say hello and get on with your day, you don’t have to do it all, you may actually be rewarded with a reciprocal nod one day.

I'd give her a compliment, ooh I like your shoes/hair/ dress , if she can't bring herself to say thank you, then she either needs help with communication skills, if she is indeed socially awkward or shy or introverted or if not then she needs to be pulled up on it.

I’ve lived it. It’s bullying and it creates an atmosphere which sets the tone of the office environment. People like that are bastards and they know full well what they’re doing

I have.

The OP is inferring intent in someone's behaviour. This person is clearly comfortable with colleagues they have worked with for some time, but is not speaking with OP, who only joined a couple of weeks ago and hasn't, as far as she knows, done anything to upset this colleague.

This could be for any number of reasons.

It could be that this colleague is a bitch. However, she appears to genuinely get on fine with other coworkers, so that seems strange. Nonetheless this is the conclusion OP and half this thread has drawn. Even if she is a bitch, how will it help OP to be equally rude back? Wouldn't maintaining professional courtesy be better?

It could be that OP has unwittingly upset this woman. Maybe she applied for the job and didn't get it. Maybe the OP was given the desk space she wanted. Maybe get son/brother/ best friend applied for the job. Those would all be unfortunate situations, and in every case the OP's best professional course would be to be professional and breezy until this woman gets over it.

It could be that this woman is introverted or neurodivergent or has a history of trauma or abuse even, and finds new people difficult. She has been with the other colleagues long enough to have broken through her inhibitions. Again, best handled by OP being professional.

I just can't see a situation where OP going tit for tat improves this situation.

And yes, separately from this specific situation, it is ablist to say that anyone professional must give eye contact and say good morning, as a basic expectation, or be considered to be delivering microaggressions. Just the same as it would be ablist to say that everyone professional must be able to walk or use the stairs.

So to summarise: you don't know why your colleague is behaving like this, but you've decided that she must be being deliberately rude. So even though it's going to take you extra effort you're going to go out of your way to be deliberately rude (and in your case you're doing it on purpose after having taken time out of your day to tell thousands of Mumsnetters about your plans, so whatever she may or may not be doing you are being deliberately rude) to her.

Good grief, how would you be behaving if you weren't "quite a friendly person"?

There are big differences between "she doesn't seem to want a chatty relationship right now for whatever reason, so I'll back off for a bit" and "I won't stand for this so I'm going to make assumptions about her motivation and also put precious mental energy into precisely replicating her behaviour", including that option 2 sounds (a) exhausting, and also (b) like you're about twelve.

Talking to everyone else except you purposely is bullying

Why does someone always have to push a bloody "woke" agenda - ridiculous.

Then you are as bad as her. Be polite and if she is not then it will be more noticeable. If you become petty and do the same as her then it will also be noticed and become a “thing”

If she is outright rude to you as in saying something then raise it. Or if you are asked in a 121 how it’s going with the team you could say fine but Janet seems quiet around me

As pp said it may not be all about you and yes they be fine with others but they already know them and maybe feel like they can. I know I have went through shitty times where you have to put the face on at work and that’s easier to do with people you know than people you don’t

@FatandRoundBouncingontheGround I can see both sides and I realise that for some people, meeting new people is very hard. BUT if you're going to work on an office environment, then you must try not to be rude. Even if that's a smile every now and then.

It's not ok for them to totally ignore a new worker on the basis of shyness or neurodiversity. You can still learn how to mask and say hello.

Being inclusive works both ways. EVERYONE needs to be inclusive.

You're assuming OP is NT, she could have any number of hidden or obvious disabilities, would that make a difference in your opinion?

OP - I personally would try to just crack on. I wouldn't ignore her, but equally you're well within your rights to hold back and just talk to her professionally. She will likely warm up eventually but she may not.

Has she been there a long time? Is it possible she feels threatened by your confidence?

I've been purposely blanked only a couple of times I can remember OP, one multiple times by another mum at school when my children were much younger and two and neighbour who is odd to say the least.

I assumed in both cases they had mental health issues as it couldn't be anything I'd said to them as I barely knew either of them.

I would try and ignore it. Some people are just a bit odd.

Honestly, why do you care why she does or doesn't? Worry about yourself. I'm sure saying hi to everyone will make you feel better and more confident, along with a reminder that you're there to work, be polite and not to make friends.

This happened to me, although it was an existing colleague that started blanking me. I just kept up the good mornings and polite conversation as required for work, things improved gradually. I was tempted to just ignore him but felt that was a bit "two wrongs don't make a right".

Because only 16 percent of autistic people are in employment and it's largely because of assumptions about communication like those throughout this thread, that's why.

NT people are meant to be empathic and lovely and the pattern to which we must all aspire. But woe betide you if you cannot comply, especially if the reason you cannot comply isn't physically obvious. It will be assumed that you won't, rather than can't.

I have an adult son who cannot work because he cannot speak with new people. It's called selective mutism. It's rooted in social anxiety. He would be able to work if NT people would adapt their expectations around interviews, being "friendly", what is 'basic courtesy' and not take everything so bloody personally.

And it's a bloody waste, and it's completely pervasive. There is SO MUCH wasted talent out there. So I don't see it as a "ridiculous woke agenda."

I’d just carry on greeting her as you do with the others, if she doesn’t respond try not to worry about it. She may start to respond to you she may not, but it would be more awkward for her not to.
Personally I think it’s easier to be friendly and polite than not to be.

I'd just carry on being as pleasant to her as you are to everyone else.

It could be something as simple as that she wanted your job to go to someone else instead, or they rearranged the office to make room for you and they made her move desks, or something like that. Neither of which are your fault.

Don't take it personally.

What on EARTH is happening to MN and the people who are using it. Is everyone insane? You can not have work places where someone is making others feel uncomfortable.

@FatandRoundBouncingontheGround what does your son do to communicate his needs?

If the person in OPs thread managed to let OP know it's not personal, then the issue would likely be resolved.

Your son, as an example, would need to let people know he has autism and selective mutism. And he'd need to find a way of communicating otherwise (is he ok over email?). If he could do that, then I'm sure, if he has the right skills for the job otherwise, then he could find employment. I work in IT and there are lots of managers who wouldn't be put off by this. But if he doesn't communicate his needs, then of course, it's going to be misinterpreted.

I think she's probably just rude. I'm ND myself and can be socially awkward and not good at small talk but anyone who is capable of functioning in an office environment can master polite, brief greetings to colleagues.

Likely that for whatever reason she's taken a dislike to you. Who knows. Maybe she thinks you're too pretty or look like her boyfriends ex wife. Maybe you got a job that her best friend went for. Maybe she thinks you gave her a dirty look on your first day (that has happened to me when i inadvertently kept eye contact a second too long and wasn't smiling).

Your proposal to ignore her back is a very bad one. It will look to your other colleagues that you have a problem with each other rather than her just having a problem with you. I don't mean try and be best pals but when you see her smile and say a cheery good morning so everyone can hear. If she persists in ignoring you her rudeness will be quite apparent.

My friend was in this situation. It turned out the new colleague was jealous that she was PA to the MD and thought she should have had that role as she was older and more experienced. Friend would greet her as she passed and if no one was there she would ignore her. If anyone was in earshot she would grunt a begrudging hello. Eventually someone else made a complaint about her as her behaviour was so obvious and affecting the atmosphere.

If the person has a disability such that other colleagues need to make adjustments (eg to stand back and accept being ignored for a period whilst the colleague adjusts) then it is down to the employer to make sure that the new joiner is aware. Otherwise it just looks rude and/or a form of bullying.