How do you react when one person in work doesn't say hi and pretends you're not there?

[Disappointedsofa]

I have recently started a new office job, it's a small office with 6 or 7 people working in it.
I've noticed the last few days, one woman in particular doesn't say hello or talk to me but talks to everyone one else.
It's so annoying as every one else is lovely but it can just take one person to ruin my whole day.
I've started ignoring them back and am just going to mirror their energy. But it sometimes takes more effort to consciously ignore someone than to just be natural and talk to someone.
I'm quite a friendly person that can get on with most people , but I won't tolerate rudeness from someone when they don't even acknowledge I'm there so they will get the same rudeness back from me.
I know it's not something I've done as I've only started a couple of weeks ago. I also don't want to bring the subject up as I don't want it to be a 'thing' especially as I've just started recently.
How can you just walk past someone and not even look at them but speak to everyone else?
Would you do the same and just ignore them?

I relate so much to this. Before my CPTSD was treated I found even saying good morning or asking someone a basic question v frightening . Because the horrific abuse from parents and other children caused me to freeze. The weird thing was I was able to converse with people I had considered "safe." And I wouldn't have appeared particularly shy of quiet to others. I performed publicly in music recitals I was confident then I could perform music well. But if I didn't know them. ... I can only imagine how having SM on top of trauma would be for someone.

I guess it proves it's better to be kind to someone and give them the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise.

I hear what you're saying @AutismProf - but the effect on others by not saying a simple hello can in turn be very upsetting. If you have suffered bullying or abuse in the past, being ignored (or what appears as such) can also be highly triggering if the person doing the ignoring (again, if that's what it is) doesn't seem to have any problems with interacting, laughing and joking with other team members. In a small team such as the OP's, this will be very apparent.

So, if this woman does have mutism then it's up to her manager to carefully manage that when new people come into the team. Unfortunately, that support doesn't seem apparent here.

@Wheelz46 Wishing your son all the best.

I was at university with someone who was unable to say their own name. That must clearly be another high risk utterance.

Back then, none of us knew anything, or had even heard, of neuro divergence. And he didn't present as significantly different from the rest of us.
Of course we all covered for him when necessary. If a tutor asked his name someone would say "oh that's Dave". But none of us ever asked him about it. It was just a thing that we recognised as a quirk.

Yes, names are a common area of difficulty.

Basically, everyone has a slightly different pattern, and by definition everyone with SM does have some people they can speak fully and freely with - most often immediate family and/or close friends.

The important thing is, each person will have things that trigger the shut down and they will be slightly different. But when not triggered, the person may look and behave perfectly fine. Just like a person with a spider phobia is perfectly fine unless and until a spider appears. And none of it is conscious, or a choice.

Eh?! So OP should have to absorb a person's negative energy??

No thanks, just reflect that energy right back. I'd mirror any behaviour as is usual.

Someone says hi and smiles at you, you do it back. Someone ignores you, do it back.

But in this situation (saying hello in an office) surely the person with selective mutism would have ways around that. Like if they can't manage a hello to their colleague they must recognise that that is unusual and likely to be perceived as an insult so perhaps they could smile, raise their hand in greeting or even just nod. Or is it more like all communication is shut down? Not just speaking?

I have a phobia of flying (trauma induced) and of spiders (innate) but there are times when I just have to overcome that so I make sure I have things I can do to let me cope with the situation.

Everyone's pattern is different, and some people can write responses or use gesture, and some people can do eye contact and smile, and others cannot.

SM is way more than just speaking. Most people with SM can't use the toilet at work, for example, and definitely not if another person is in the room. Many cannot eat. Some can't drink. It's incredibly disabling.

I’m sure SM is disabling - as is the stomach churning anxiety, racing heart and depression that can result from apparently being frozen out by a work colleague.

😂😂
I've done this

Part of the trouble is, many people with SM don't know they have it, or at least what it's called. Trust me, they go through life being negatively judged and many can't even get a job so it won't be a problem. They, likewise, will be feeling the stomach churning anxiety etc you describe.

Of course if they do know, and are lucky enough to get a job, then we would recommend disclosure.

If disclosure has happened, then hopefully the other party will not feel like they are being frozen out.

Otherwise, it's a bit like saying "I find it upsetting when my blind colleague doesn't look at me when speaking." Well that's a shame, but its because that's the bit that doesn't work. I am not sure what point you are otherwise trying to make, sirchenjins.

Did she apply for your role and is pissed off she didn't get it? I've known colleagues show similar behaviour with new starters. Taking it out on them instead of sorting it out with management.

My point @AutismProf is as I said earlier - whilst it’s difficult for someone who has SM it’s also very difficult for people who have experienced bullying or abuse which involved being frozen out and ignored, and it’s important that managers support both the person with SM and a new person in the team who might find working in such an environment very stressful. That support does not seem to have been put in place.

I had this with a woman when I started but generally needed support from her dept daily . I spoke to my coworker - she was the same with him when he started .. I moved departments - no longer any real contact but when I see her acts like a good friend . I speak but never forgot .. I would approach a co worker

I would ask one of your other colleagues if this woman is shy with new people - even if it’s not that, you might get some explanation. Otherwise carry on as normal - it’s not your problem but by being equally ignorant you’re kind of making it your problem too. I was very intimidated by new people when I was young and can imagine I might have unintentionally come across as rude. Even if that’s not it and she’s being deliberately rude because she’s taken a random dislike to you you’re probably better off killing with kindness.

I agree, I think she sees the OP as a threat.

but she's not socially awkward with anyone else, I've seen her laughing with the other staff

Because over time you become familiar and more relaxed with people you get to know? Gain confidence enough to engage? Maybe it will just take time. You've only been there two weeks. I've worked in lots of offices and some people who appear offish often just lack the confidence to engage with someone new.

The OP has distinct vibes of 'tell me you're a NT extrovert without telling me you're a NT extrovert...'

OP, I work in an office which is 80% introverts. I made an effort to come in on the days that they did, and to just be around, so they could get used to my presence. Familiarity is a great tool. I would also engage with the more extroverted people, so the introverts could hear how I spoke to other people and could get used to the sort of person I am without having to engage directly.

Now most of those introverts don't just come over to talk to me, some of them even share jokes with me. You've got to give them time to warm up. Two weeks is nothing.

Accept that other people are wired differently and give them some grace.

I'd be more intense. "Hi everyone!" "Hi Jane, you're very quiet today!"

How could you say this to someone you've known barely two weeks?
And how, after only being there two weeks, can you bounce in shouting "Hi everyone!!" It would strike me as someone who might induce a bit of private eye-rolling. It sounds just a bit overkill.

I'd kill woth kindness. Carry on saying morning, ask how weekend was, say goodbye each day.

I always treat others how I'd like to be treated. Tbh as others have said maybe this lady has other issues and struggles to deal with new people and relationships 🤷‍♀️

I have not read the whole thread. But no wonder the world is coming to this. Understandable that people have social anxiety and have trouble sometimes to say hello etc.
I totally get that. I get that too at times. But to say this is how it is and they should not even try, you are giving them excuses not to interact and go more into their shell which in turn can actually be detrimental to them and others around them.

Also as you can see, affect the atmosphere around us.
I feel these days, so many people make excuses for others ( disabilities excluded of course) that many people feel entitled and correct.

I am not saying people should force others to interact, far from that. But to say do not interact at all is also a bit silly.
It is jumping from one end of the spectrum to another.
Back to the OP. Give them time, some people need time to warm up to be people. Try to encourage by smiling and showing that you are easy to talk to. Maybe they will reciprocate slowly.
No need to escalate further, it will get you nowhere and also ruin the atmosphere of the work place.

That's happened to me before. When I was younger I used to take offence and think they were rude, and do what you do - mirror their behaviour. Now I'm older and have more self confidence. I just behave as I want to behave. So say good morning to her and smile politely then consider your part in being professionally nice done. How she responds is irrelevant. I wouldn't make any effort to ingratiate yourself or coax her into responding to you. Just leave the opportunity open by being your polite self. Meanwhile cultivate better relationships with people in your office who are more amenable.

She could be shy. She could have applied for your job or encouraged a friend or family member to, and be a bit resentful. She could be one of those people who doesn't register new people until they have been around for six months. She could prefer to be distant until she gets the measure of people.

She could have applied for your job or encouraged a friend or family member to, and be a bit resentful. She could be one of those people who doesn't register new people until they have been around for six months. She could prefer to be distant until she gets the measure of people.

None of that is acceptable IN THE WORKPLACE though. She's not in her local pub/social club/hobby group etc.

Oh seriously, this is childish behaviour. Just keep saying hello and being kind to her /him. They might /might not change, but at least you’re not behaving the way you hate. I always teach my kids to treat others the way you want to be treated. That isn’t a guarantee that they will behave the same way back, but at least you’re not being rude or obnoxious.

I’m not saying this is right as I don’t know the background info on this person.. but my mum had this and is literally the most friendly person ever. She just kept being nice. Used to say hello. Spark up convo and one day it just turned into a two way conversation. Turns out she was just a bit shy..