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Original poster

What do I need to do differently to avoid being every man's friend?

129 replies

Grumpyold · 25/09/2023 11:12

I like men and male company. I like women too but my interests are largely sports based and I work in a very male dominated industry so a lot of the people I spend time with/have things in common with are men. I have a wide circle of friends who are probably slightly over 50% male.

However, I'm now single and even new men I meet seem to enjoy my company, even seek it out, but they never even try to move anything beyond friendship.

I'm not glamorous, but I think I look OK, slim, active, groomed in a natural kind of way, take care with my clothes, classic more than obvious but modern and not too frumpy. (I'm mid 50s).

For example, yesterday afternoon I went out for drinks with a man. I've know him for a long time but we've never been close friends. We were talking about some interesting issues previously and I suggested we could continue it over a drink. Which he jumped at, agreed with the first time and place I suggested and turned up 5 mins early!

We chatted for 4 hours, he changed his plans for afterwards so he could stay longer than planned, we laughed, learned some stuff about each other, had quite a bit to drink, but still nothing. He walked me back to the train, we had a chaste hug goodbye (which I initiated) and I don't expect to hear from him again until we bump into each other at an event.

Why?

OP posts:
anareen · 25/09/2023 11:16

Grumpyold · 25/09/2023 11:12

I like men and male company. I like women too but my interests are largely sports based and I work in a very male dominated industry so a lot of the people I spend time with/have things in common with are men. I have a wide circle of friends who are probably slightly over 50% male.

However, I'm now single and even new men I meet seem to enjoy my company, even seek it out, but they never even try to move anything beyond friendship.

I'm not glamorous, but I think I look OK, slim, active, groomed in a natural kind of way, take care with my clothes, classic more than obvious but modern and not too frumpy. (I'm mid 50s).

For example, yesterday afternoon I went out for drinks with a man. I've know him for a long time but we've never been close friends. We were talking about some interesting issues previously and I suggested we could continue it over a drink. Which he jumped at, agreed with the first time and place I suggested and turned up 5 mins early!

We chatted for 4 hours, he changed his plans for afterwards so he could stay longer than planned, we laughed, learned some stuff about each other, had quite a bit to drink, but still nothing. He walked me back to the train, we had a chaste hug goodbye (which I initiated) and I don't expect to hear from him again until we bump into each other at an event.

Why?

Stop doing the initiating? Could come off as desperate ? Do you come off as "one of the guys" possibly? Sounds tough to navigate.

IjustbelieveinMe · 25/09/2023 11:17

Instead of thinking you are the problem, it's them. You sound brilliant to me, don't change.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 25/09/2023 11:18

@anareen why did you quote the (long) OP?? You were literally the first poster, what else could you possibly have been replying to?!

BiscuitsandPuffin · 25/09/2023 11:18

OP you just need to find a guy who's actually interested in taking it further. It's them not you.

Original poster
Grumpyold · 25/09/2023 11:21

BiscuitsandPuffin · 25/09/2023 11:18

OP you just need to find a guy who's actually interested in taking it further. It's them not you.

OK, but where do I find them? The man from yesterday has been divorced for about 15 years and has dated/had relationships, so he should have been "interested", just apparently not in me.

OP posts:
kamboozled · 25/09/2023 11:24

They like you TOO much lol. No, seriously. You sound like great company and easy to be around.

kamboozled · 25/09/2023 11:25

Also, you said mid-50's, but I've heard quite often how men tend to look for quite a few years younger as they get older, so it might just be an age thing?

Original poster
Grumpyold · 25/09/2023 11:26

kamboozled · 25/09/2023 11:24

They like you TOO much lol. No, seriously. You sound like great company and easy to be around.

Well maybe 😆 One did actually say that to me once. We were on the verge of becoming "something" when he backed right off and decided our friendship was too important to risk. Which is surely bollocks.

OP posts:
TedMullins · 25/09/2023 11:27

I honestly think meeting someone you’re attracted to on a deeper level than just physical is pure luck. I was single for 10 years, with a few short lived and ill-fated flings in that time, I also used dating apps and I’d say I didn’t fancy 90% of the people I met through them. Didn’t mean there was anything wrong with them, they just didn’t tick my boxes.

Your male friends and acquaintances not fancying you/wanting to take things further doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. They just don’t fancy you. That’s not a value judgement. I know it can seem like it’s easy for everyone else to find a partner - I certainly felt like that at times and wondered what on earth they knew that I didn’t - but I think as well as luck, a lot of people just settle or put up with more crap than I was willing to.

There is a chance I suppose that you’re doing something offputting but without knowing you and how you behave it’s impossible to speculate what that might be. I really do think it’s more likely to be luck and numbers.

TheLuckyOnes · 25/09/2023 11:31

Grumpyold · 25/09/2023 11:21

OK, but where do I find them? The man from yesterday has been divorced for about 15 years and has dated/had relationships, so he should have been "interested", just apparently not in me.

Show quote history

Well, why are you generalising from one man? Not every man you meet will be sexually attracted to you. This one wasn't. I'm not sure why you were expecting otherwise -- you've known one another for aeons, and if he were attracted to you, he's ample opportunity to express it.

What's weird about your post is that you don't say at all whether you are sexually attracted to him!

Is this part of the problem?

TheresaBouvey · 25/09/2023 11:34

I was in this position a long time ago 😁

i used to play pool and drink beer with the guys (and girls) and worked in IT so more guys to be friends with …

IMO men decide in the first few minutes of meeting you if you are romantic/sexual or friendship material. A lot of this can be based how you project yourself

i used to give “sister” vibes, maybe due to having only brothers and do ding men easy to talk to. I sort of had to work on my own mindset and not subconsciously friend-zoning myself at the start

MissInterpretation · 25/09/2023 11:37

I kind of know what you mean @Grumpyold I was always one of the boys when I was younger, always at the football with male friends (watching and playing) and still have more male friends than female. None of them ever seemed interested in me romantically, even though I was (still am hopefully!) attractive enough and I just thought I was one of those girls who would never be seen as girlfriend material, only ever a mate. Lo and behold, at least three of them have since revealed to me that they wish they'd asked me out at the time and that we could have had lives together etc. I bet you're lovely and definitely girlfriend material, but maybe you give off a friend vibe? I know I did. But equally I think men are scared to death of women who are capable of a conversation they could have with another man, if that makes sense? They don't know where to go with that!

OuiRagamuffin · 25/09/2023 11:38

I can relate.

I think it's just age. You say you're mid 50s. I'm 53, so I get it. You can be healthy, in shape, stylish, energetic, good humoured, good company, and while a single man your own age enjoys being around you, he doesn't want to settle / settle down with you in case a woman of 35 has a moment of madness and want to overlook his age. There are exceptions to this of course so I'll be told I'm too cynical. Once in a blue moon, there'll be a connection so obvious that it all works out.

I gave up a long time ago, therein peace lies! But I admire the resilience of any woman my own age who is still looking and hoping.

anareen · 25/09/2023 11:38

BiscuitsandPuffin · 25/09/2023 11:18

@anareen why did you quote the (long) OP?? You were literally the first poster, what else could you possibly have been replying to?!

🤣 I am new to the platform and my brain hasn't fully got down to press reply when commenting to the OP and "quote" when replying to comments in the thread. It's about 50/50 that I get it right when commenting to OP🤦🏻‍♀️ every time I do it I realize it right after I have posted my comment 🤦🏻‍♀️ soon I will get it! Lol.

MissInterpretation · 25/09/2023 11:38

Exactly what @TheresaBouvey just said!

GingerIsBest · 25/09/2023 11:44

Before I met DH, I felt a bit like you - I was constantly "friend zoned" by men. All the bloody time. And even if there was flirting, it just never went anywhere.

On some level,I was half aware that I was giving out, "no, I'm not available" signals but Id didn't know how to change it. And if anything, when I thought about it consciously, I'd come across as desperate - even I could see that.

Then I had a bit of a "moment" It was so silly - I used to travel quite a bit for both work and personal reasons and I was in yet another airport, carrying piles of hand luggage and shopping (in the days you could carry more!), my flight was delayed and even just the act of going to the toilet became this logistical nightmare because I had all these bags and would have to leave them, or take them and lose my spot etc etc. And I just realised I was TIRED of being alone and of being so independent.

I honestly don't know what changed in me that day - I think it was subtle but it was something in my demeanour. What I do know is that in the following few months, I got asked out by more men than I had in the previous 5 years combined and it only stopped when now-DH and I had been dating for about 2 months.

I know this isn't necessarily helpful for you as I don't have a golden tip, but it's worth thinking about - on some level, are you consistently giving off, "I'm strong, independent and single, and I like it that way" signals?

Original poster
Grumpyold · 25/09/2023 11:49

TheresaBouvey · 25/09/2023 11:34

I was in this position a long time ago 😁

i used to play pool and drink beer with the guys (and girls) and worked in IT so more guys to be friends with …

IMO men decide in the first few minutes of meeting you if you are romantic/sexual or friendship material. A lot of this can be based how you project yourself

i used to give “sister” vibes, maybe due to having only brothers and do ding men easy to talk to. I sort of had to work on my own mindset and not subconsciously friend-zoning myself at the start

I can see that I do this, but I can't do "girly", that's not true to myself and I'd feel ridiculous if I tried. I mean yesterday, we talked about something that's almost exclusively a male domain but on which I'm quite knowledgeable because of my job.

He told me that apart from one other (man) I'm the only person he's met socially who "gets" it and that when I challenged him on something else previously, he'd realised that I'm bright. I was hugely flattered by that, what would I be talking about that's less "men easy"?

OP posts:
Original poster
Grumpyold · 25/09/2023 11:51

MissInterpretation · 25/09/2023 11:37

I kind of know what you mean @Grumpyold I was always one of the boys when I was younger, always at the football with male friends (watching and playing) and still have more male friends than female. None of them ever seemed interested in me romantically, even though I was (still am hopefully!) attractive enough and I just thought I was one of those girls who would never be seen as girlfriend material, only ever a mate. Lo and behold, at least three of them have since revealed to me that they wish they'd asked me out at the time and that we could have had lives together etc. I bet you're lovely and definitely girlfriend material, but maybe you give off a friend vibe? I know I did. But equally I think men are scared to death of women who are capable of a conversation they could have with another man, if that makes sense? They don't know where to go with that!

I'm sure this man enjoyed our conversation, he had a ready made, genuine, excuse to leave earlier if he'd wanted to, but yes probably enjoyed it as an interesting intelligent conversation with a peer more than a "girl" he wants to sleep with.

I don't know how to change that though.

OP posts:
Wildhorses2244 · 25/09/2023 12:00

I wonder if it’s the things that you’re doing together?

I have quite a few male friends and if they suggested a drink to carry on a conversation, I would not assume that was a date. Although I would assume date with a stranger who asked that.

If they asked “can I buy you dinner “ I would (probably) realise that it was more of a date vibe.

i don’t know why that’s the case really. But could you suggest a cocktail in the evening rather than a beer in the afternoon? Dinner at a nice restaurant rather than lunch at a pub.

Id also suggest that meeting without a reason feels more date like than meeting for something specific if you already know each other. So you could maybe text this guy “thanks for a lovely drink - I’d love to see you again “ rather that “thanks for a lovely drink - do you want to watch the football with me on Tuesday “

TheLuckyOnes · 25/09/2023 12:03

yes probably enjoyed it as an interesting intelligent conversation with a peer more than a "girl" he wants to sleep with

That's pretty worrying, that you see these two things as mutually opposed. I need to find someone intelligent to find them attractive. If you're hanging around with men who only find the under-informed attractive, then I'd say change your type.

You still didn't answer my question up the thread, though -- are you actually attracted to this man? Did you hope this was a date?

museumum · 25/09/2023 12:07

I was in this position in my late 20s. I made make friends easily but always friend zoned.
Only way I fixed it and met dh was online dating - i found it easier once I’d put it out there up front by being in the app that I was looking for something.

Helenahandkart · 25/09/2023 12:08

Do you fancy any of these men? If so, then you need to flirt with them a bit. Men are pretty rubbish at recognising when women like them in my opinion. Or you could be straight up and ask them if they’d like a date.

Soonenough · 25/09/2023 12:15

After a long marriage, dating is a minefield. Think I am so busy trying to be sociable and engaging, which I knew I had grown out of , that maybe I come on too strong ? No idea really but each date brings a lesson.

Interestingly , I now understand why people end up with someone they already knew from their past .

Original poster
Grumpyold · 25/09/2023 12:25

TheLuckyOnes · 25/09/2023 12:03

yes probably enjoyed it as an interesting intelligent conversation with a peer more than a "girl" he wants to sleep with

That's pretty worrying, that you see these two things as mutually opposed. I need to find someone intelligent to find them attractive. If you're hanging around with men who only find the under-informed attractive, then I'd say change your type.

You still didn't answer my question up the thread, though -- are you actually attracted to this man? Did you hope this was a date?

I don't see them as opposing at all, that's why I had high hopes for yesterday's "date" . It was PP who suggested this may be the problem

OP posts:
Original poster
Grumpyold · 25/09/2023 12:27

Wildhorses2244 · 25/09/2023 12:00

I wonder if it’s the things that you’re doing together?

I have quite a few male friends and if they suggested a drink to carry on a conversation, I would not assume that was a date. Although I would assume date with a stranger who asked that.

If they asked “can I buy you dinner “ I would (probably) realise that it was more of a date vibe.

i don’t know why that’s the case really. But could you suggest a cocktail in the evening rather than a beer in the afternoon? Dinner at a nice restaurant rather than lunch at a pub.

Id also suggest that meeting without a reason feels more date like than meeting for something specific if you already know each other. So you could maybe text this guy “thanks for a lovely drink - I’d love to see you again “ rather that “thanks for a lovely drink - do you want to watch the football with me on Tuesday “

I don't know this particular man as anything other than an acquaintance though. It was a conversation at a chance meeting and my intended message was "I'm enjoying myself, let's do more of this" 😆

OP posts: