What do I need to do differently to avoid being every man's friend?

[Grumpyold]

I like men and male company. I like women too but my interests are largely sports based and I work in a very male dominated industry so a lot of the people I spend time with/have things in common with are men. I have a wide circle of friends who are probably slightly over 50% male.

However, I'm now single and even new men I meet seem to enjoy my company, even seek it out, but they never even try to move anything beyond friendship.

I'm not glamorous, but I think I look OK, slim, active, groomed in a natural kind of way, take care with my clothes, classic more than obvious but modern and not too frumpy. (I'm mid 50s).

For example, yesterday afternoon I went out for drinks with a man. I've know him for a long time but we've never been close friends. We were talking about some interesting issues previously and I suggested we could continue it over a drink. Which he jumped at, agreed with the first time and place I suggested and turned up 5 mins early!

We chatted for 4 hours, he changed his plans for afterwards so he could stay longer than planned, we laughed, learned some stuff about each other, had quite a bit to drink, but still nothing. He walked me back to the train, we had a chaste hug goodbye (which I initiated) and I don't expect to hear from him again until we bump into each other at an event.

Why?

Have you considered that perhaps he didn’t realise that you like him and so didn’t say anything?

Many years ago, a (platonic) male friend I complained to about this happening to me, told me that I never appeared to be romantically interested in the men I was talking to, even when he knew I liked them.

The solution is to be up front and make the first move. That’s how I ended up with my husband!

You’re in your mid-50s? Most blokes of similar age are looking for a nurse or a purse by that time.

Not misreading at all. My last post references men that OP gets on well with, not every man who is single. I think OP is viewing it all a little too black and white.

Are they? The men I'm talking about are mostly fairly comfortable financially, or at least they appear to have good jobs and comfortable lifestyles. They're a world away from needing a nurse, all very fit.

It's grim but most even vaguely desirable men in their 50's are looking for women at least ten years their junior. Women I know in their 50's only get interest from men in their 60's and 70's.

Start acting dismissive and uninterested

Why is it grim? You can't force people to be attracted to someone they're not. 10 years is nothing.

And I say that as a 52yo. If I was looking for another partner now I'd not bother with anyone under 60

I have the same problem as you. Literally best friends with ex colleague, still friends with man from school. Best friends with my neighbour, we spend a lot of time chatting but he isn't single unfortunately.
Men always see me as friend material. I get old I'm attractive with good figure but probably too strong minded and not dismissive enough.

Think about exhilarating sex constantly while you are chatting to them.

I initially typed 'think about sex' but that's not enough ... you could be imagining something very tedious.

If they are interested then they should pick up on that.

You are probably friend zoning them with body language

Why? Because that's what you'd want, or you thinks that's what's possible?

I'm currently chatting to 3 men much younger on OLD. Like 15 years younger than me. That age group seems interested in women in their 50s, but I'm getting very little interest from men in their 50s and none at all from well preserved men in their 50s.

I think you maybe need to make a little more of a concentrated effort to flirt a little bit. It might literally just be that you're great company and they enjoy your friendship and don't think you're looking for anything.

My mum says this about younger men on OLD.. please do not get sucked in by this, they're after a cougar story

Oh I'm sure. I've got no real intentions of doing anything with them

Because that's what I'd want @Grumpyold. I'd want a man way past having kids still at home, so 15 years younger than me, or my age is a turn off.

When I turned 40 I had an encounter with a 21yo who continued to pester me for months after. I wasn't interested, it was a drunk moment. So there are younger men interested in older women but I'm not sure those arrangements generally have legs.

They don't need to be 60 for DC to be adults and not want anymore!

Sorry that's me with name change

Have a go at varying your approach, being outright obvious in whatever way is most comfortable? That's all we can do when our usual approach isn't working. Maybe meeting to do different things helps? Something that gives you an excuse to be a bit closer, try different gestures.

I'm far from an expect in this field, I'm sure I've missed obvious signs, not been clear enough or too clumsy in being obvious at times. One attempt at being forward makes me cringe looking back 🙈

@purplenavy I didn't mean it was grim male behaviour, I meant it's grim for the OP, because she's wanting to date men her own age and if they're attractive enough to date younger they're just not going to be interested in the OP.

@Grumpyold online interest from younger men won't lead to a relationship. If you want a relationship I think you need to go older or lower your standards. I won't do either which is why I'm staying single.

I don't especially want "a relationship" I just want to date a bit and have some fun.

I think men can put you in the friendzone if you come across as too capable, independent or “together”. My dd has a similar thing, she is only 18, very bright, sensible and very athletic. She is attractive and has a large number of female and male friends from primary school through to college. Very little romantic interest but so many attractive male friends who she goes out with in groups and individually. I was in a similar position at her age and would love to know how some people get boyfriends easily and others don’t.

@Grumpyold did you let yesterday's man (or any other men you've fancied) know that you'd like to date them?

Ha, I wouldn't know if a woman was flirting with me even she wrote it down and handed it to me.
Not all blokes are super confident thinking they're God's gift.
There's also the thing of meeting someone via a hobby or activity. It's been posted on here many times, people annoyed at being approached at such events.

I’ve heard this before but I don’t think this is it - unless it comes with a side of looking quite uninterested in them. In my experience most decent men want a middle ground between a woman who expresses no personal interest in them (even at a friendly level) and one who is doing a lot of heavy giggly flirting.

SOME men may be put off by someone being capable but most won’t, and that’s a good way to avoid the weird ones.

How do you know he doesn't want to sleep with you? Did you ask him? Why don't you make the first move?

I'll be forward and say you've enjoyed his company and if he wanted to go on a date or whatever.