What do I need to do differently to avoid being every man's friend?

[Grumpyold]

I like men and male company. I like women too but my interests are largely sports based and I work in a very male dominated industry so a lot of the people I spend time with/have things in common with are men. I have a wide circle of friends who are probably slightly over 50% male.

However, I'm now single and even new men I meet seem to enjoy my company, even seek it out, but they never even try to move anything beyond friendship.

I'm not glamorous, but I think I look OK, slim, active, groomed in a natural kind of way, take care with my clothes, classic more than obvious but modern and not too frumpy. (I'm mid 50s).

For example, yesterday afternoon I went out for drinks with a man. I've know him for a long time but we've never been close friends. We were talking about some interesting issues previously and I suggested we could continue it over a drink. Which he jumped at, agreed with the first time and place I suggested and turned up 5 mins early!

We chatted for 4 hours, he changed his plans for afterwards so he could stay longer than planned, we laughed, learned some stuff about each other, had quite a bit to drink, but still nothing. He walked me back to the train, we had a chaste hug goodbye (which I initiated) and I don't expect to hear from him again until we bump into each other at an event.

Why?

Yesterday's man is very appealing to me. I knew that already, but he'd made an effort for our meeting and looked gorgeous.

I feel like I've done a lot of the running on this one already though so if anything else is to happen it needs to come from him...?

so he should have been "interested", just apparently not in me

What a weird thing to say. The formula for romantic interest is far far more complicated than single person + single person = couple.

He doesn't fancy you. No more complicated than that.

How old was the man you met up with yesterday?

How do you know he won't want to have another date?

How do you know he wasn't romantically interested? I'd imagine it's pretty common for some people to not want to kiss on the first date, especially if neither of you were clear that it was a date and not just a meet up.

Take a leap of faith. Text him, telling him you had a great time and wondered if he'd like to go out again for a date. He'll either say yes or no.

I agree with others, don't change yourself. But equally, as you socialise a lot with men, you're going to have to make it obvious what's a social meet and what's a romantic encounter. Maybe they just don't realise you're into them in that way.

Yes, that seems the obvious response to me too. I mean, I can understand if the OP was disappointed as she was attracted to this man, but absolutely, not everyone is into everyone, and it seems a bit mad to start panicking about doing something wrong when all that's happened is that one man didn't appear to be considering her a sexual prospect.

I was in this sort of position in my late 20s - and like pp I “fixed” it by using a dating agency (well the guardian’s dating column to be precise as this was back in the late 90s!) I think I needed to be upfront about what I was looking for (a date not a mate) - and it worked. Good luck!

You said he’d made an effort and looked gorgeous OP - had you? If you turned up not at all dressed up then he may have taken that as a signal that it wasn’t a date in your eyes.

More generally, I think you do have to give some sort of signal that you’re likely to be receptive to romantic advances , whether that is by clothes/makeup or otherwise, otherwise many men (the nicer ones especially!) won’t want to risk sticking their neck out and being rejected.

So I know this isn’t playing by ‘the rules’ but I don’t see any harm in just telling a man that I like him. If he’s put off by a bit of honesty then he’s clearly lacking in character.
I’m a similar age to you, and if I hadn’t have been completely upfront with my now husband about liking him he would never have known. He was completely oblivious.
I think he has shown interest in you by extending the date, and what do you win by making him make the next move?
What’s the worst that can happen? You feel a bit embarrassed for a while. I say take a chance.

God, that makes me feel nostalgic! I'd forgotten the Guardian's dating page!

Sorry OP but you’re coming across as a bit entitled. There is no reason whatsoever that anyone should find you attractive or want a relationship with you. They’re entitled to just want to be friends.

Can you imagine if a man was complaining that he was nice and women put him in the friend zone? He’d be absolutely slaughtered on here.

It's only the day after! Give him time to ponder his next move (if there's to be one). Presumably he has your contact details?

He might also worry that you just see him as a friend.

maybe being upfront is the only way to go: “Hey, that was fun the other night. How do you feel about us going on a date-date? Like a dinner?”

You sound brilliant. TBH so do the men friends you have too. They are interesting, respectful and it sounds like they value your company.

So what do you want from them? To make the first move? Thats difficult in established environments. Even moreso in situations where you are outnumbered quite heavily by the men. They possibly either misunderstand any signals or don't even want to recognise them in case of making a situation.

You say you had a meeting with a chap and it all went fantastically. IMO you are going to have to open up a little. If a man is happy in your company. Happy to do all the things you mentioned. I dont think it unreasonable to assume that he would not react badly to you stating you enjoy his company and would like to see if its even better next time.

I think if he made an effort, came early and dressed up and you ended up spending hours and hours together, it seems likely that you like each other.

What were you expecting him to do? It was a meet up/sort of potential first date?

I think give it til this evening and if he hasn't messaged drop him a line saying something mildly flirty - "had a great time last night! [some kind of joke about something you discussed]"

53, the same age as me.

It is odd, on OLD I get much more interest from men in their 30s than men in their 50s. Men are weird 😆

Yes, by it's not just one, I'm using this one as an example. And he was interested enough to come, stay later than he intended and make an effort with his appearance.

Yes, Iwas casual but nice casual and I'd done my make up etc. I usually see him through sport when I look a proper sight, so I'd noticeably made an effort.

Really? Yes of course they're entitled. I'm entitled to wonder why.

OP one of your posts says based on this guy's status he "should have been interested". You're making some assumptions here. Not only might he not be interested in you romantically, he might not be interested in dating full stop. You're not entitled to know anything about his thoughts on dating - you or anyone else. You can be curious of course.

Wondering why someone isn't attracted to you? That's a bit weird. It's like those 'I have no friends' you see so often on Mn: 'I'm nice, polite and don't have a bad word to say about anyone -- why don't I have any friends?' It takes more than being a 'nice, polite' person to be appealing as a friend. Similarly, it takes more than being a straight, available reasonably nice-looking person with a common interest to be sexually attractive to an individual other person, who is also straight and available to the point where they might want to date you.

As a pp said, you have no idea if this man is even on the look out for a relationship!

It seems quite mad to take issue with one man for not asking you out!

My guess is that you're not giving strong enough signals that you're attracted to these men.

The post wasn't about why "this" man isn't interested though. It was about why none of these men appear interested.

Anyway, I've realised why I spend so much time with men, there are some very aggressive responses to a simple pondering here!

Yes I agree with this. And some men are really just shy? Some PEOPLE are just shy, I mean. I have met nice men before who I know find me attractive (as they will say so to others or even to me) and would like to date me but are just shy/awkward about actually asking me out. (If I'd liked any of them enough I would have asked them out but I didn't in these cases.)

It's the opposite problem OP has to some women who post on MN saying that everyone thinks they're flirting when they're just trying to be friendly. Most decent men don't want to make a "romantic advance" on a woman who they aren't pretty confident is into them too - and thank goodness. So perhaps you need to make it a bit more obvious - and I don't mean saying "let's meet up at the pub to talk more about the right kind of shoes for fell-running" or whatever. I mean much more subtle things like holding eye contact, smiling, asking personal questions, even complimenting on clothes/what they've done with their hair/how much better they look than when you are fell-running.

People are trying to help you OP. You appear to be viewing every single male who you get on well with as a potential partner, then wonder why they don't appear to want a romantic connection - that's the mistake you're making here.

Some won't be looking for a relationship, some won't be sexually attracted to you.

I honestly think people are misreading the OP - she's not expecting EVERY man to fancy her, pretty sure she's thinking "why do men with whom I feel a connection, who are single and obviously keen to spend time with me, never seem to actually make a romantic move on me?"

Obviously that could just be coincidence, or that OP is terrible at reading signals - those are possible answers too - but I think it was just clumsy phrasing which has got people reacting strangely.