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Wedding Speaches - before or after the meal?

162 replies

WeddingSpeaches · 20/09/2023 15:53

Hi all.

My DD is getting married soon, and is deciding whether to have the speaches before or after the meal. There will be 5 speaches in total : Brides Dad, Grooms Dad, Best Man, Groom & Chief Bridesmaid.

Our opinions differ!

Would love to know what you would prefer, if you were a guest, and why?

Thanks!

OP posts:
bucketlistice · 23/09/2023 18:14

We had 4 speeches, best man, maid of honour, DH and I. They weren’t very long, about 3-5 minutes I’d say each and just after dinner. It gave everyone enough time for their food to go down before we started the actual party.

beanii · 23/09/2023 18:44

I'm going to be blunt here - 5 speeches is too many.

Much will be repeated and in all honesty most guests will be bored

BIossomtoes · 23/09/2023 18:47

beanii · 23/09/2023 18:44

I'm going to be blunt here - 5 speeches is too many.

Much will be repeated and in all honesty most guests will be bored

This. Groom’s dad and bridesmaid need to be lost and restrict the other three to five minutes each tops.

Interested in this thread?

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Changingplace · 23/09/2023 19:02

Could a couple of the speeches be spread out throughout other points - the bridesmaid could announce cutting the cake and grooms dad could introduce the first dance?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/09/2023 19:08

DD has been told by the hotel, that it's better to do the speeches before the meal. I can't help but wonder though, whether that just suits them more, as it gives them longer to get prepped in the kitchen etc.

I doubt it, OP; if hotels get people who go on and ON it can mess up their arrangements too - having to keep food hot, etc. - and those who pay extra staff by the hour sometimes let them go after the meal's finished

If DD must have speeches instead of just toasts I agree with them being after the meal and 5 mins max is a good idea, but will your speakers keep to it? And if not, how will you deal with this?

Italiangreyhound · 23/09/2023 19:49

Maireas a minute ??? Too much.

Maireas · 23/09/2023 19:53

Italiangreyhound · 23/09/2023 19:49

Maireas a minute ??? Too much.

True - just a toast - 30 seconds?!

DanceMumTaxi · 23/09/2023 20:00

After! They always go down down better when everyone is full and had a drink. Everyone is more relaxed. My cousin did them before and everyone was just willing then to hurry up and finish so we could get fed. There wasn’t any canapés and the photos took ages so everyone was hungry.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 23/09/2023 20:04

If you’re having 5 speeches, FGS make sure they keep them short!! 10 mins max. And preferably 5. Nothing is more tedious for guests than speakers who drone on and on.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/09/2023 20:08

Nothing is more tedious for guests than speakers who drone on and on

Actually there is - the ones who insist on singing, even though they can't!! Confused

RampantIvy · 23/09/2023 20:08

10 minues x 5 = 50 minutes. That is far too long. People will be getting up for extended toilet/fresh air/cigarette breaks to relieve the boredom.

RampantIvy · 23/09/2023 20:09

Or browsing on their phones.

grayhairdontcare · 23/09/2023 20:25

Don't worry about guests being distracted during speeches.
I can assure you they will remember for eternity how many they have had to sit through at this wedding

CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/09/2023 20:28

Oh god, there's only one answer to this and that's AFTER! No guest wants to sit starving and without a drink in them listening politely to anecdotes which aren't that funny while the food is going cold and the kids who are present are fidgeting and whispering that they're hungry. People giving the speech haven't had enough time to have a drink to relax and get in the mood.

Doing them afterwards means that everyone's belly is full. Everyone's relaxed, had a drink, got to know the other guests at their table. They're very open to hearing some speeches after that, and being really supportive with enthusiastic applause, and finding lame jokes quite funny and will actually listen.

I went to a wedding once where the guests arrived at the reception venue straight after the marriage ceremony at the register office, only to hang around waiting for the bride and groom for about an hour and a half. No-one knew what was happening or where the bride and groom were. People were getting really hungry as the marriage ceremony was about 11.45 so no-one had had a chance to get lunch anywhere and most guests had had breakfast quite early. I'm sure people would have just paid for food at the bar, a few sandwiches etc, but for all they knew the bride and groom were going to arrive imminently and it would have looked rude so no-one did order food except a few packets of crisps. All the kids were getting restless. It was mainly outside so was freezing.

Eventually the bride and groom arrived and there was more faff for group photos. We were then all seated in the marquee. The food (very casual, pizza slices, chicken legs etc - fine) was put out on non- hot plates at the side and just slowly went cold. Kids were eyeing the food drooling and so were the adults (it was about 2.30 by this time). Then they announced that they were going to change things round and do the speeches first. There was an inward collective groan but everyone listened politely whilst thinking of their empty stomachs. Speeches to go on for aaaaages. No-one had had enough to drink yet and they were all a bit too cold and hungry to applause with much enthusiasm.

Finally we were allowed to get at the food. It was all a bit congealed and sad by that time.

I mean, that sensible thing is obviously to do the speeches after the food. But if someone is so anxious about giving the speeches that they are knocking back drink after drink and at risk of embarrassing themselves and the bride and groom by slurring their words and forgetting things then maybe they could do them somewhere in the middle? Maybe one of the speeches could be given after the first course? Then one after the mains? A third one (if needed) at the end? Break it all up a bit.

But always remember. Food is the MOST important part of keeping your guests happy! 😄

HerMammy · 23/09/2023 20:45

I've only ever seen a Best Man and Brides dad speeches. There's no need for 5 speeches, very tedious.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 23/09/2023 20:50

I've just remembered I went to a wedding once where the bride's dad gave a speech and it was 95% about her and her life from a baby to an adult. It was more of a euology for a funeral, it was so wierd and cringe. I mean, it was a wedding. There are 2 guests of honour. It's not the bride's 40th or funeral.

Personally I'm happy with a short toast before the meal as the bride and groom sit down, to thank everyone for coming. Probably one of the bride or groom's parents, whoever's had the biggest part in helping with planning, maybe. Groom (or bride, or both) can thank the bridesmaids and the stags and their parents for helping etc, say how lucky they are to be marrying the love of their life blah blah. The serious romantic stuff can happen before the meal, and the main wedding party can relax that they've done their bit.

Then the eating happens.

Then the "funny" speech can happen after the meal. Usually the best man if they're any good at public speaking but personally I would think a lot of a best man who stood up, acknowledged that while they were proud of their role as best man they weren't noted for their public speaking skills and were happy to step aside to let "Smithy" (or whoever else is in the stag group) regale everyone with funny tales of the groom.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/09/2023 21:27

Slimerrr · 20/09/2023 15:55

Honestly, neither. I hate the speeches. That’s a lot of speeches, I’d do them after so people aren’t thinking about food

This. Please.

How about recording & posting on YouTube so those interested can look them up?

Maireas · 23/09/2023 21:28

grayhairdontcare · 23/09/2023 20:25

Don't worry about guests being distracted during speeches.
I can assure you they will remember for eternity how many they have had to sit through at this wedding

💯 this

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/09/2023 21:28

5 min each is still 25 min that your guests are a captive audience.

Maireas · 23/09/2023 21:31

Plus, it'll be longer than 25 minutes because of applause etc and the next person getting ready
So even 5 mins each is going to be at least 40 minutes.

D1nopawus · 23/09/2023 22:19

Most of the people advocating for speeches before are concerned for the speakers and their nerves, whilst most people voting for afterwards seem to be guests.

The usual etiquette is to look after the guests.

If speakers are nervous, honestly no one will mind if they propose a toast and thank everyone for coming and leave it at that. In fact, I think most people would be pretty happy.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/09/2023 02:54

Very well said, @D1nopawus !!!

RampantIvy · 24/09/2023 07:24

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 24/09/2023 02:54

Very well said, @D1nopawus !!!

Seconded.

Wolfricbriandumbledore · 24/09/2023 08:05

D1nopawus · 23/09/2023 22:19

Most of the people advocating for speeches before are concerned for the speakers and their nerves, whilst most people voting for afterwards seem to be guests.

The usual etiquette is to look after the guests.

If speakers are nervous, honestly no one will mind if they propose a toast and thank everyone for coming and leave it at that. In fact, I think most people would be pretty happy.

Yes, I mean, who cares if the speech-givers are nervous? Better, surely, than starving the far larger numbers who have to listen to them.

I’ll admit this thread is fascinating to me. People obsess on here so often about completely unimportant things like wedding favours and first dances, but appear to accept unquestioningly the need to bore their guests with dull, necessary speeches, whenever they’re held…

Changingplace · 24/09/2023 08:09

D1nopawus · 23/09/2023 22:19

Most of the people advocating for speeches before are concerned for the speakers and their nerves, whilst most people voting for afterwards seem to be guests.

The usual etiquette is to look after the guests.

If speakers are nervous, honestly no one will mind if they propose a toast and thank everyone for coming and leave it at that. In fact, I think most people would be pretty happy.

Totally agree, I’d much rather a quick toast from a nervous speaker than anyone talking for more than 5 mins, even people who think they’re great speakers shouldn’t be allowed to go on for longer, most people will zone out.

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