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Original poster

Wedding Speaches - before or after the meal?

162 replies

WeddingSpeaches · 20/09/2023 15:53

Hi all.

My DD is getting married soon, and is deciding whether to have the speaches before or after the meal. There will be 5 speaches in total : Brides Dad, Grooms Dad, Best Man, Groom & Chief Bridesmaid.

Our opinions differ!

Would love to know what you would prefer, if you were a guest, and why?

Thanks!

OP posts:
Middlelanehogger · 20/09/2023 16:52

I've been to plenty of weddings where there were multiple speeches - they have always been done as, 1-2 between each course.

In my experience it works best if you coordinate what each person will say, so let each person say a few minutes of cute personal things about the couple/relationship, and then have each person say a different toast e.g. to absent friends, to the happy couple, to my beautiful bride, to "love" etc. So you don't have everyone having 2 minutes of thanking everyone for coming, etc which gets repetitive.

chipsandpeas · 20/09/2023 16:52

preferably after the meal, but i would be sitting there thinking what the fuck was going on with 5 speeches

ParkingTrouble123 · 20/09/2023 16:58

ReeseWitherfork · 20/09/2023 16:17

Not a helpful response but I don’t understand why we call them “speeches”. “Toasts” surely?

I vote you split them.

Because they are speeches..? The toasts are the boys at the end wear they say “raise your glasses to the bride and groom” and everyone raises their glasses. The rest of it is a speech.

Anyway, DEFINITELY after the meal. It will have been a while since most people last ate… even if there are canapés, they don’t fill you up. You can’t concentrate on a speech if you’re hangry.

I don’t think 5 speeches is too much, as long as they are commensurately shorter.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Original poster
WeddingSpeaches · 20/09/2023 16:59

Firstly, apologies for spelling speeches wrong! I thought it didn't look right, GAH!

So, DD has been told by the hotel, that it's better to do the speeches before the meal. I can't help but wonder though, whether that just suits them more, as it gives them longer to get prepped in the kitchen etc.

My thoughts were that it's better AFTER the meal. Because people will have been fed and watered, and be more relaxed. Also a bit tipsy and jovial.

I think if they are before the meal, that people will be hungry and not paying as much attention, and they will just want the food to come out. Hotel is saying (to DD & Groom), that doing them before, means that the speakers can relax over dinner. But to my mind, if the speakers have a few drinks before they speak, it might help with any inhibitions.

Each speech will be 5 minutes MAX.

Re doing speeches between courses, I'd be a bit worried that waiters milling about, clearing plates etc, might cause a distraction.

We went to a wedding about 10 years ago, where the speeches were before the meal. There were lots and they went on for over an hour. Everyone was starving. I hated it!

OP posts:
MadamWhiteleigh · 20/09/2023 17:03

I’ve only been to one wedding where the speeches were before the meal and I hated it. You’re not enjoying it because you’re thinking about food and you want them to shut up.

Do them after dinner, when everyone is happy and relaxed.

Trisolaris · 20/09/2023 17:08

@CateringPanic

Fine if they all want to do one! Just give them a 2 minute limit and you can still be done in about 20 mins. Better than a couple people droning on. Most weddings I’ve been to with more speakers kept each speech very quick (other than one notable exception) but I’ve been to several where the brides dad got lost in reminiscing for ages as he was given loads of time to talk.

Mammamiammamia · 20/09/2023 17:11

After. I'm a wedding planner, and I always discourage speeches before or during the meal. Speeches over run, and that messes up timings with the kitchen. Suddenly your rare beef is tough as old boots because Uncle Bob was waxing lyrical about that time you were in your sandpit aged three.... or they massively under run what was estimated, and you've got a massive lull where everyone's looking around for the food but it's not ready.

Do yourself a favour and feed and water people first. Then if your dad rambles on for hours it's not going to cock everything up!

Rainbow1901 · 20/09/2023 17:14

No problem with having speeches before as long as they are fairly brief!! Last wedding I went to was one of my nieces - the wedding was late morning in church. By the time photos were done and we had driven to the reception we were starting to feel hungry. We were stood around for 3 hours with only one drink and no canapes for nearly three hours and then had speeches to sit through before the meal started to be served so coming up to six/seven hours!! The venue was one that didn't even sell crisps at the bar to stave off the hunger pangs. The trouble was that once everyone had actually eaten and the evening reception began they brought out hot food snacks which were wasted as no-one was hungry!! Bad timing all round in my opinion.

StorminanDcup · 20/09/2023 17:21

MetaMette · 20/09/2023 16:00

Speeches between courses can work ok too.

I much prefer this, maybe do couple before then groom and best man between main and dessert

gogomoto · 20/09/2023 17:25

During dessert/coffee is traditional. I would cap them at 3 minutes a piece if you are having 5, with a bit of changeover that's already 20 minutes, more than enough

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 20/09/2023 17:28

After, definitely after.

and not 5. The groom’s dad and the chief bridesmaid do not need to be doing a speech.

Dobbly · 20/09/2023 17:39

Definitely speeches afterwards. People will be hungry and grumpy if you do speeches before the meal. Maybe some of the speech-givers will be nervous and want to get it out of the way, but they don’t have to give a speech if they’re that worried about it. In my experience most people who are not very close to the couple/family won’t get half the things you say (in jokes etc) and won’t really be that interested either! If you really want to have 5, just make sure they’re not too long (and as pp said, get speakers to confer so they’re not repeating each other).

Bluevelvetsofa · 20/09/2023 17:42

Five minutes each is still 25 minutes of speeches. That’s far too long. If you must have five, limit them to two minutes each.

Kam610 · 20/09/2023 17:51

I personally prefer them before. At weddings I've been to I find that after a meal people generally go off and start mingling, go outside or go to the bar, so would be difficult to round them all back up again. 5 is a lot though so just ask them to keep it kind of short and sweet so people don't get bored and hungry.

Inkypot · 20/09/2023 17:57

Far too many speeches in my opinion. It should go (traditionally):

Father of the bride toasts the happy couple

Groom toasts his new bride

Best Man toasts the bridesmaids.

That's it. It's that simple. There is no requirement for a bridesmaid or father of the groom to do a separate speech/toast and having been at weddings like that as a guest, they just take time away from enjoying the meal and getting on with the celebration. And always speeches before meal so everyone can relax and enjoy their meal rather than eating on an anxious tummy.
But it's ultimately the bride's choice really.

jolaylasofia · 20/09/2023 17:57

after the meal and no need for dad speeches. people will be bored witless

Lavender14 · 20/09/2023 17:59

I'm firmly a believer in speeches before food purely because then if people are nervous about giving them they can relax and enjoy their meal knowing its all over with and they can have a drink and let their hair down etc. I think when people know it's before the food they try to keep it shorter as well. If speeches are after then nothing to stop them dragging on.

Maireas · 20/09/2023 18:05

After the meal, most definitely. Easier to sit through if you're replete. 5 is too many - I would cap at 3 mins if there's no budging on that.

Redglitter · 20/09/2023 18:18

My brother did the speeches before the meal because he wanted to relax & enjoy his dinner. There was only his, best men & brother of the bride. None of them were particularly long & it worked well

AffIt · 20/09/2023 18:24

This thread has reminded me of a wedding I once went to which had nine - NINE - speeches.

Before the first course - father of the bride, brother of the bride, some person (not sure - neighbour?).

After the first course - the minister who held the service, some friend of the groom, another brother of the groom.

After dessert course - father of the groom, chief bridesmaid, best man (this one lasted about 50 mins and had people biting the inside of their faces with embarrassment).

(Yes, you're right, there was ONE woman there.)

I have never been so bored in my life and I LOVE weddings.

My OH and I now still, ten years on or so, refer to it as 'the Oscars'.

Gizlotsmum · 20/09/2023 18:26

We did before as a few people were nervous about their speeches and wanted them to enjoy the meal

HowcanIhelp123 · 20/09/2023 18:28

How many courses?

2 course meal - one before, 2 between, 2 after

3 course - 2 between each of the courses then one after

Roselilly36 · 20/09/2023 18:31

After, guests have sat through the wedding, hung around whilst photos are taken, so they maybe hungry by the time they get to the reception venue. To then sit through various speeches. Have the wedding breakfast first.

MsFrost · 20/09/2023 18:35

We did ours after the main and before dessert. But we only had two and both were under 10 minutes.

Realistically, people won't want to listen to five speeches, that's a huge amount. If they have ten minutes each that's an hour with a quick changeover between each one.

I feel a bit sorry for the guests having to sit politely through that - so definitely don't make them do it whilst waiting for food! It needs to be after the meal.

Could one or two of those people do a reading in the ceremony instead of a speech?

SageRosemary · 20/09/2023 20:06

I've been to 2 weddings where the speeches were done before the meal: -

  1. Short and sweet - about 6 or 7 minutes in total - the best man and groom were very shy, so it turned out were the FOG and FOB, speeches involved welcoming the bride/groom to the other family and the traditional toasts.
  2. Long and excruciating - about 90 minutes in total, it was torture. Best man was rambling, an aunt from America had sent a letter which was about 4 A4 pages long and he read every single word, bridesmaids and other groomsman read out the wedding cards and emails sent by all the American relatives, work colleagues, neighbours who were unable to travel. Fortunately, we were at a table with good friends and had some laughs through it all. The guest book was circulated whilst the wedding was going on and one woman at our table wrote an essay in Irish which she (and we all) had pretty much learned off by heart in primary school in her lovely calligraphy style handwriting. We all wondered what the Americans would make of "Lá a tharla an timpiste". I imagine the bride would have thought it was a lovely Irish Blessing, well there was a happy ever after ending to the story. It was the only thing we could fault in what was otherwise a most excellent day out with a lovely church ceremony, fabulous food and excellent music.

So, every other wedding I've been to has had the speeches after the meal, the best ones are short and snappy. I prefer it when more of the wedding party are involved than just the groom, best man and the 2 fathers. Even if the Bride just thanks everyone for coming and the bridesmaids read out 1 or 2 special messages each.

At our own wedding, my DH and best man were both quite nervous, they had the starter and soup and asked the kitchen to hold their main courses until after the speeches - which was no problem to the hotel.

I think speeches work quite well straight after dinner if the dessert is cold. It's nice for the guests to have a little breather to appreciate the medley.