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Original poster

Wedding Speaches - before or after the meal?

162 replies

WeddingSpeaches · 20/09/2023 15:53

Hi all.

My DD is getting married soon, and is deciding whether to have the speaches before or after the meal. There will be 5 speaches in total : Brides Dad, Grooms Dad, Best Man, Groom & Chief Bridesmaid.

Our opinions differ!

Would love to know what you would prefer, if you were a guest, and why?

Thanks!

OP posts:
jonnyjanetkeogh · 21/09/2023 01:02

AffIt · 20/09/2023 18:24

This thread has reminded me of a wedding I once went to which had nine - NINE - speeches.

Before the first course - father of the bride, brother of the bride, some person (not sure - neighbour?).

After the first course - the minister who held the service, some friend of the groom, another brother of the groom.

After dessert course - father of the groom, chief bridesmaid, best man (this one lasted about 50 mins and had people biting the inside of their faces with embarrassment).

(Yes, you're right, there was ONE woman there.)

I have never been so bored in my life and I LOVE weddings.

My OH and I now still, ten years on or so, refer to it as 'the Oscars'.

Sheesh! And I thought the one I attended where there were SIX was extreme 😂🤣
OP I know you've said they'll last 5 mins each max, however stop and consider that in real terms.
Basically about half an hour of speeches?? Allowing time for handing over Mother of the Bride/Groom flowers, hipflask or similar to the Father of Bride/Groom, and time to announce the speeches etc.
The father of the groom and the chief bridesmaid absolutely do not need to be making speeches. If they're that bothered let them say a few words at the evening meal during the buffet.
I'd also say to let the happy couple be guided by the venue on when to do speeches, they will do weddings day in and day out, they'll be a very well oiled machine.

thecatsthecats · 21/09/2023 11:01

Basically about half an hour of speeches??

I'm a bit baffled, as I've not been to many weddings where the speeches lasted less than 45m, mine being one.

I'd also say to let the happy couple be guided by the venue on when to do speeches, they will do weddings day in and day out, they'll be a very well oiled machine.

Hard disagree on this one! I've seen plenty of venues and suppliers fuck up. I've managed a lot of events where I've had to step in and manage the venue to prevent obvious and avoidable mistakes. At the end of the day, the venue want to make it easy for them, not you, and to make money. They don't care if guests are a bit hungry or bored, but the B&G should.

And the biggest, BIGGEST feedback I've had from hundreds of event attendees is that seating and feeding/boozing issues are paramount. Nail those, and people will merrily sit through as many speeches as you fancy!

MariaVT65 · 21/09/2023 11:12

AFTER FOOD

Op, what are the timings of the wedding? What time is the ceremony and what time is the food? Are there any canopes beforehand.

Absolute priority here is feeding your guests, not how nervous the speech makers are. Especially if it’s a lunchtime wedding.

When people think back to the wedding, they’ll remember how well they were catered for, not what everyone said in speeches.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
HeidiWhole · 21/09/2023 11:16

We went to a wedding last year with one speech before the starter then the others in between the courses which worked well

RaraRachael · 21/09/2023 11:24

From my experience, do them before the meal and get them out of the way. Is anybody really interested in them anyway? Unless you're some smartarse who thinks their hilarious and loves the sound of your own voice, I've found that the speech makers aren't comfortable standing up in front of lots of people and the listeners can't be bothered with them.

Maybe they're another outdated part of weddings that should be done away with.

stargirl1701 · 21/09/2023 14:22

After.

Marmite27 · 21/09/2023 14:29

Isthisreasonable · 20/09/2023 16:14

Why on earth are there 5 speeches? Does the groom's dad not understand that he doesn't have a speaking part? Could the best man & chief bridesmaid do a joint speech?

The suggestion of doing them between courses is good as long as it's not too disruptive for the caterers. Do you want to wait until all the previous course dishes have been cleared before people start giving their speeches? Servers starting to serve next course to the top table might act as a useful signal to stop talking if a speaker tends to ramble.

If they want the grooms dad to do a speech, he can.

My dad is really dyslexic, so to even stand up and say anything was a huge ask. (He managed ‘Congratulations x & x’), FIL was an experienced after dinner speaker, so we asked him to do a speech.

We did them before dinner, or my dad would have been so wound up he wouldn’t have eaten.

Whataretheodds · 21/09/2023 15:57

fsr111 · 20/09/2023 16:22

I work in weddings and would definitely say not to split them between courses. Loads of people get up for a wee / a drink after they have finished eating, it takes ages to get everyone back in to start the next speech, the whole thing just drags on and on and on. My advice would be to keep them all together and do them either between mains and dessert or all at the end - and give guests a coffee as well as the toast drink to help keep their attention!

This. Don't be putting speeches between the guests and their food. I have never yet been to a wedding where I wasn't VERY ready for the meal by the time we sat down. To sit people down and then make them wait through 2 + speeches before feeding them is just mean.

mrssanchez · 21/09/2023 17:09

Another vote for Way Too Many Speeches!

Sorry but that sounds really boring. The only wedding speech I actually remember was one from a best man who went way too sexual and inappropriate and the poor bride was begging him to stop, it was unbelievably awkward.

I think I tuned out during speeches at my own wedding tbh!

CateringPanic · 21/09/2023 19:59

@RaraRachael I’m interested in them as long as they are well considered. Too many people are terrible at public speaking but if someone is good then the speeches can be lovely.

jonnyjanetkeogh · 21/09/2023 22:47

thecatsthecats · 21/09/2023 11:01

Basically about half an hour of speeches??

I'm a bit baffled, as I've not been to many weddings where the speeches lasted less than 45m, mine being one.

I'd also say to let the happy couple be guided by the venue on when to do speeches, they will do weddings day in and day out, they'll be a very well oiled machine.

Hard disagree on this one! I've seen plenty of venues and suppliers fuck up. I've managed a lot of events where I've had to step in and manage the venue to prevent obvious and avoidable mistakes. At the end of the day, the venue want to make it easy for them, not you, and to make money. They don't care if guests are a bit hungry or bored, but the B&G should.

And the biggest, BIGGEST feedback I've had from hundreds of event attendees is that seating and feeding/boozing issues are paramount. Nail those, and people will merrily sit through as many speeches as you fancy!

You don't have to agree with me, I'm basing it like everyone else- on my own lived experience of weddings including my own and with experience of working weddings as well.
Most weddings I've attended the speeches haven't lasted anywhere near 45 minutes. Sod that 😂 Usually it's 5 mins allocated per speaker as a maximum, however most people stick to around 2/3 mins for their speech in practice. So 15 mins is more than adequate to complete all three speeches. This is only different where there's random extra speeches but usually people stick with the standard father of the bride, bridegroom, best man, done and on to dinner 🥳
Your experience may be different, fair enough, but 45 mins of speeches is a looooong time 😅

BlowDryRat · 21/09/2023 22:58

After. Before, everyone will be hungry and just want the speakers to hurry up so they can eat.

UsingChangeofName · 21/09/2023 23:08

Definitely after the meal.

For all the reasons you said at 16:59

I agree with most that 5 is too many though.

I think we've all been at weddings where the traditional 3 have been too many, tbf Grin

Overthebow · 21/09/2023 23:10

thecatsthecats · 21/09/2023 11:01

Basically about half an hour of speeches??

I'm a bit baffled, as I've not been to many weddings where the speeches lasted less than 45m, mine being one.

I'd also say to let the happy couple be guided by the venue on when to do speeches, they will do weddings day in and day out, they'll be a very well oiled machine.

Hard disagree on this one! I've seen plenty of venues and suppliers fuck up. I've managed a lot of events where I've had to step in and manage the venue to prevent obvious and avoidable mistakes. At the end of the day, the venue want to make it easy for them, not you, and to make money. They don't care if guests are a bit hungry or bored, but the B&G should.

And the biggest, BIGGEST feedback I've had from hundreds of event attendees is that seating and feeding/boozing issues are paramount. Nail those, and people will merrily sit through as many speeches as you fancy!

45 minutes! Wow, I’ve never been to a wedding where they’ve lasted that long. Most I’ve sat through is 30 mins and that was too long, everyone got bored.

RampantIvy · 21/09/2023 23:15

Each speech will be 5 minutes MAX.

That's 25 minutes of sitting there hungry, drinking on an empty stomach.

That is a terrible idea.

Original poster
WeddingSpeaches · 22/09/2023 08:56

Thanks everyone. I think after seems to be the main opinion!!

OP posts:
Cinnamope · 22/09/2023 09:12

If you really must do 5 speeches then please make sure people have had something to eat and drink first

RaraRachael · 22/09/2023 11:09

45 minutes of speeches! Glad I haven't been to any of those weddings. I'd have excused myself for a very long toilet break if that was the case.

Most weddings I've been to, they didn't really want to do it and just basically thanked everyone and got on with the meal. When you do get somebody that's "an after dinner speaker" they usually bore the arse of everybody as they think they're really witty and they're actually not,

neleh87 · 22/09/2023 11:55

I know this is against the consensus but I did a speech last year and I just could not relax during the meal. So everyone was enjoying a really amazing meal and I was just picking at it. I'd been told that the speeches would be before. I'd had one glass of wine and was feeling quite prepared. I didn't want to drink too much and do a bad job. But then they started bringing the food round.

So I would ask the speech givers.

If they don't care, do them after.

reabies · 22/09/2023 12:03

We did ours between mains and dessert, so people had some food in them, and speech givers could still enjoy some food if nervous beforehand. Weirdly I was way more buzzed (adrenaline?) after my speech and ate barely any dessert. DH took mine down as well as he'd been too nervous to touch starter and main. Different strokes for different folks.

I think time of day matters more than order of things tbh. So if going for before dinner, then cut your reception a bit shorter so everyone is seated earlier to listen. Don't seat everyone at 4.30 then make them wait 30-60mins for food, if you've already had 1-2 hours of reception and mingling before that. Or do standing speeches before seating everyone for dinner.

D1nopawus · 22/09/2023 12:09

I've been to weddings where speeches were before and went on too long. Lots of trips by guests to the loo and bar which I found really distracting. Bar must have made a fortune though.

Funnily enough when one of my DC started planning their wedding the venue suggested the speeches first. I guess it helps the venue with food timings as well as boosting their profits.

From the guests point of view it's mostly shit though.

SkyTree · 22/09/2023 17:45

Definitely before, afterwards people want to go to the loo and to the bar and stuff. Also, if they’re before you can relax into food and drink when they’re done. The speeches aren’t fun for anyone but the bridal party, you want them done with as soon as possible surely!

Toddlerteaplease · 22/09/2023 17:47

No speeches at all would be my ideal!

Kwasi · 22/09/2023 18:52

Speeches after.

Five speeches is loads. People will be bored to tears. At least if their bellies are full, the speeches will be more bearable.

RaraRachael · 22/09/2023 18:56

Toddlerteaplease · 22/09/2023 17:47

No speeches at all would be my ideal!

Definitely! Do away with the lot of them 🤣