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Original poster

My 14 year old is discussing “the next level” with his girlfriend

125 replies

Amandasummers · 02/09/2023 07:24

What do I actually do?!

OP posts:
Coffeaddict · 02/09/2023 07:26

How do you know this? Has he told you?

You need to have a conversation about consent and protection

You can state that this is a very grown up decision and that they shouldn't rush into anything. But if they are going to make sure they are safe.

Mine are younger so have yet to go through this

Original poster
Amandasummers · 02/09/2023 07:46

I accidentally saw some messages (his Tiktok was on my phone and they popped up, I really wasn’t snooping) I’ve already discussed previously and he said he wasn’t thinking about that so obviously lying. Do I talk to her mum? I don’t want to embarrass or break trust but I also feel this isn’t entirely my call if that makes sense

OP posts:
superplumb · 02/09/2023 07:50

Remind him he is underage and could get in trouble with the police, that may work. Failing that, if they are going to have sex they will.

incognito50me · 02/09/2023 07:51

I agree with @Coffeaddict . The fact that they are discussing it rather than just letting it happen is not a bad sign.
Discuss consent, safe sex and that you believe sex should be delayed until after he is older (he will agree, but you have very limited influence on what actually happens). Also discuss sharing intimate images, it never hurts to repeat that.

From my own experience with DD, you have very limited influence on this and what they decide to do. If you don't allow them to spend time alone in your home, they will find another place if they really want to do it. A "success" in our case looks like safe and consensual sex, not absence of it, even if I think both of them are too young for it, emotionally.

No, I would not discuss it with her mother except, maybe, in the most general terms.

WmFnKdSg1234 · 02/09/2023 07:54

I would make sure he is aware of his responsibiliy to use contraceptive, and that he fully understands what consent is and is not. It will be difficult to speak to him about these issues without him realising that you have looked at something...

Original poster
Amandasummers · 02/09/2023 07:55

They are discussing as sensibly as they can. Taking about being ready, discussing protection and obviously where it would happen etc and I know I can’t stop it but can’t condone it either

OP posts:
Original poster
Amandasummers · 02/09/2023 07:56

@WmFnKdSg1234 i will tell him I saw the messages we are fairly open and he knows I don’t try to spy but also do need to have some awareness

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 02/09/2023 08:02

He is 14. I never understand the idea of stepping lightly around this.

I have a 14 year old DS who is not yet at the stage of having girlfriends. For years before now, I've been clear about the practical & emotional issues around sex, the appropriate age & boundaries & consent.

You can't go back in time but now is the time to have that conversation, clearly. He is too young and you need to explain why. It's possible this was more at attempt to sound cool rather than being with intent, but it's still something that needs to be clearly addressed. Yes, I would say to him that you may need to share with her parents.

There's no need to get upset or over the top in your reaction, but firm, clear & informed responses are needed.

EarringsandLipstick · 02/09/2023 08:03

I know I can’t stop it but can’t condone it either

Of course you can stop it. He's 14

Original poster
Amandasummers · 02/09/2023 08:05

I can’t physically stop it can I?! I’m not with him 24/7

OP posts:
Tara24 · 02/09/2023 08:05

How would you stop it?

GloomySkies · 02/09/2023 08:06

EarringsandLipstick · 02/09/2023 08:03

I know I can’t stop it but can’t condone it either

Of course you can stop it. He's 14

What's she going to do, put a padlock on his penis? Wise up. My friends used to have quickies behind a bush in the park on the way home from school, or in the back of a car if they had access. They'll find a way.

You need to drill it into his brain that every single time he has sex, there is a chance he will make a baby. Contraception is fallible. He needs to really truly understand consent, and the law doesn't think he or his gf are old enough to consent anyway.

PinkRoses1245 · 02/09/2023 08:08

EarringsandLipstick · 02/09/2023 08:02

He is 14. I never understand the idea of stepping lightly around this.

I have a 14 year old DS who is not yet at the stage of having girlfriends. For years before now, I've been clear about the practical & emotional issues around sex, the appropriate age & boundaries & consent.

You can't go back in time but now is the time to have that conversation, clearly. He is too young and you need to explain why. It's possible this was more at attempt to sound cool rather than being with intent, but it's still something that needs to be clearly addressed. Yes, I would say to him that you may need to share with her parents.

There's no need to get upset or over the top in your reaction, but firm, clear & informed responses are needed.

Yes he’s 14. If he’s going to have sex; he will. Same with alcohol and drugs. Best to have open, honest conversations about contraception and consent, than telling him/them no.

Original poster
Amandasummers · 02/09/2023 08:10

I will do all of this but does anyone else have an opinion on wether I should approach her mum?! I don’t want to make the wrong call here

OP posts:
Greenwitchhorse · 02/09/2023 08:11

Some really daft responses on this thread.

The mind boggles that grown women are actually posting things like ''of course you can stop it''...

How exactly? Are you going to lock up your son 24 hours a day in your basement until he turns 18?

Because teens will have sex if they wish too. No matter what.

The adult and sensible approach is to speak to your son (and frankly by the time they are 14 that conversation should have been had already...) and discuss the importance of safe sex, not pressuring a partner into doing anything they don't want to do and also about healthy relationships in general and respecting women.

LlynTegid · 02/09/2023 08:11

Talk to him first.

BananaSpanner · 02/09/2023 08:12

How old is his girlfriend? If she is under 13 and a professional finds out about it, it will be reported for causing a child under 13 to engage in sexual activity.
If they’re both aged 13-15, they are both committing a criminal offence that would be recorded if reported (though likely not much would happen).

In any case, I think you’re being overly passive about this. I would be speaking to the girls parents and making sure the opportunities for sex to occur are v limited. Yes have the talks re consent and contraception. But absolutely reinforce that it should not be happening.

Shinytaps · 02/09/2023 08:14

I wouldn't approach her Mum. What if she goes nuclear and stops her seeing your son. He may not trust you in future when the shiz really hits the fan and he needs you.

frozendaisy · 02/09/2023 08:17

I would also emphasise that there isn't any rush.
That once you are grown up you are grown up and whilst it might be all cool to rush into these things or they think they are ready they really can't make that call and 16 is still young enough. Etc etc

RedHelenB · 02/09/2023 08:18

Amandasummers · 02/09/2023 08:10

I will do all of this but does anyone else have an opinion on wether I should approach her mum?! I don’t want to make the wrong call here

I wouldn't, I assume she knows about ds. Hopefully her mum has seen the tiktok messages too

Rewis · 02/09/2023 08:28

I wouldn't contact the mom. But I'd have a talk with my son about safe sex and within that talk bring up how they're young and it would be worth to wait a bit longer and something about emotional maturity and it would be more special and they have plenty of time and better not rush. And not mention that you've seen their conversation

ForthegracegoI · 02/09/2023 08:39

Sorry to piggy back on your thread OP, I have a similar situation except my son is 15.

Do any of you ask your teen outright if they are having / have had sex? Would you expect them to spontaneously tell you? We've done multiple talks about consent, contraception etc etc. But at the moment he hasn't told me one way or the other, and IDK if I have a right to know? If he was 13 I'd definitely feel I had the right to know. If he was 17 then I really wouldn't, it would be his private life. I'm finding the 14/15yr to be right in the middle and hard to deal with. His girlfriend is also 15.

Andanotherone01 · 02/09/2023 08:42

How old is the girlfriend?

EarringsandLipstick · 02/09/2023 08:44

Amandasummers · 02/09/2023 08:05

I can’t physically stop it can I?! I’m not with him 24/7

If you think he's going to have underage sex, surely you'll do as close to this as you need?

I know exactly where my 14 yo is at all times? It's not that hard.

clpsmum · 02/09/2023 08:45

I would absolutely tell her mum. They are children

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