My 14 year old is discussing “the next level” with his girlfriend

[Amandasummers]

What do I actually do?!

@Batatahara

🤷🏻‍♀️

What do you want me to say?

You are correct, of course, for some teens. Mine are very open. They are not worried re judgment or privacy. That may, and I'm sure, will change.

The nature of their friendships with the opposite sex plays a role too - it's quite uncommon in my kids' peer groups to have GF / BF, tho not unknown. But the friendship groups are much more a thing.

I'm as certain as possible to be that sexual relationships are rare and that's based on a host of factors.

Entirely up to you if you want to keep repeating the same point over and over, which I've acknowledged.

😂 well that's another perspective entirely. Sounds like Sex Education (and isn't describing me at all either).

it's spectacularly naïve to think you know for sure that they aren't sexually active just because they haven't told you they are

And that's not what I said, at all. So go away with your 'spectacularly naive' snark, thanks

17 is very different to 14 though. I wouldn't expect to know where my 17 year old was all the time but a 14 year old is still very young.

Ok. But you did say

Not one teen in my circle currently is having sex

That's what I was questioning. If you're now saying "it's rare for cultural reasons", I can buy that.

I know what you mean. In my social circle, at the time I was a teen, nobody was having sex at 16. Some at 17, most of us later; it's not that we grew up in a strict or religious society, it's just that dating happened later than it does in my teen's circle (we also live in a different country now). In her circle, there are many quite serious couples at 15.

That's what I was questioning. If you're now saying "it's rare for cultural reasons", I can buy that.

Look I thought it was reasonably clear what I was saying & that anyone sensible could deduce that I was not saying 'I know without a shadow of doubt that no teen at all ever that's ever crossed my path has had underage sex'.

'Cultural reasons' - it might sound like I'm being semantic but that's not what I'm saying either, as in, it's not that there's some homogenous culture in Ireland that is anti-underage sex! I'm saying the particular culture of where I live, and the teens I have / know & their parents, having sex young is unusual, broadly not happening.

My parents were very much like this. I sort of listened and didn't have sex till 19. They weren't controlling but they were clear on what they felt was right and wrong in their eyes. They trusted me and it mostly paid off, even though I had my own views. Even at 19, I'd say I was a bit too immature but I suppose you need to start somewhere.

We are really close - me and my parents, it didn't affect my relationship with them. I think earrings is saying that if you instill certain things from young, children will generally follow that.

Thanks @incognito50me that's it, really!

And funnily, in my teens' circles, the dating / kissing thing is happening later too.

In my case, even tho I was a desperately shy geeky teen, the only entertainment was to go to these godawful GAA discos in random clubs around the countryside. The only thing anyone did there was kiss!

I hated it. But did it. (Peer pressure).

My 16 yo DD has had no interest in discos but does way more interesting thing than I ever did. She goes for coffee in mixed groups, cinema, food, hill walks, swimming & plays loads of sports. My 14 yo DS similarly does loads of sports, and hangs out with pals but mostly boys. Some go to discos, some have kissed girls, he's said he's not ready. To be honest I expect that to change shortly enough, and hopefully he'll have enough sense to make good choices as he hasn't a dither of wit at times.

But in both cases it's happening quite a bit later than my youth, even tho I was a million times less cool.

It's all very much contextual I think. The other difference is their willingness to discuss 'cringey' stuff with me. Not even the sex-stuff, per se, just the awkward fancying someone / how would I kiss them / what would it be like / what if .... kind of stuff.

My parents were very much like this. I sort of listened and didn't have sex till 19. They weren't controlling but they were clear on what they felt was right and wrong in their eyes. They trusted me and it mostly paid off, even though I had my own views. Even at 19, I'd say I was a bit too immature but I suppose you need to start somewhere.

That's interesting Merry. This is it I think. I've no doubt my DC will make choices I wouldn't personally endorse - it would be mad if they didn't! As long as those are informed, safe, age-appropriate & that they feel good about, I'll be ok (if I know them!)

But I hope my input on values, respect, safety for both people, friendship mattering, will all influence them.

I actually realised I wrote earlier that I was nearly 18 having sex, actually I was a few days away from being 19 - poor maths!

My parents, unlike yours, were just like 'no sex before marriage'. They would have been horrified if I'd lived with someone before I got married. So I didn't - obviously had sex - but once consequence was ending up married up a highly abusive man. I possibly would have married him anyway even if we'd lived together but it certainly would have made me a bit more aware about what I was facing if I had! I've been really clear with my DC about the core values for relationships / marriage as a result.

You do not need to be permissive that you blithely allow underage sex to have a good relationship with your children.

Different families have different values and it is possible to consistently apply limits and boundaries in a way that is respectful to teens.

Brilliant way of dealing with it. Better to be safe not sorry always xx

They are kids. You must stop them

You need to drill it into his brain that every single time he has sex, there is a chance he will make a baby. Contraception is fallible. He needs to really truly understand consent, and the law doesn't think he or his gf are old enough to consent

This.

I would not say anything to the girl's mum - I would speak to your son and possibly the girl herself but I wouldn't be speaking to her mother.
You can't stop them if they are really determined but if her parents wanted to kick off and make a fuss afterwards they could and your son could be spoken to by the police. In reality the police would not pursue anything but she (the girl) cannot give consent as she under the age of consent - likewise the other way around.

Totally agree. I have teenage daughters, 16 and 18. Neither has been on a date yet but we have had conversations about under age sex and why having sex very young is a bad idea.
Personally I feel the age of consent should be 18.

I would definitely talk to her Mum. Girls have more to lose from this than boys, pregnancy is always a risk. I don’t think it is a good thing for boys either though.

Difficult to know how to deal with this although you know it's not right for a child to have sex with another child so maybe you need to say it how it is to him and explain why the law is the way it is to protect vulnerable persons against acts which can have long-term consequences. As a mother you have a moral and legal obligation to protect him.sorry to be blunt. Good luck.

The matter isn’t just my son’s decision, it is his girlfriends also, whom I have no control over.

with all due respect to those mentioning police, I’m not worried about protecting him from accusations, I’m more concerned about both of them and their well-being etc etc

ive got a bit more info on the parents today and they are really strict and seems like the girl has to lie about where she is and who she is with all the time to prevent kicking off, so obviously this isn’t something she’s going to talk to her mum about, I don’t want to say anything and potentially cause this girl hell at home. All I can do is try my hardest to make sure the opportunity isn’t there and keep reassuring my son to talk to me and be honest etc. I have put condoms in the house. Not condoning it but if they’re going to do it then it should at least be safe. Urgh. I don’t know how to feel right now

You seem to have a very different picture of the parents than you had this morning OP?

Earlier they'd had her at 15, didn't really care & didn't like you.

Now they are super-strict, she has to escape behind their backs ... and you've moved to stocking the house with condoms.

Riiiight.

Personally I feel the age of consent should be 18

My kids were talking about this because in Canada the legal age to DRINK alcohol (nb. Not purchase alcohol, just drink) is 19 😱.

I’d just be glad that they are being sensible, looking at protection etc. I would just leave it be. It’s not at all unusual for 14-year-olds to have sex and it’s not a casual hook-up is it? If you interfere, or go to the girls parents, you will destroy any trust they may have in you. What were you doing ‘accidentally’ looking at his messages anyway?

Neither can the boy, so no issue!

I think I would say that whatever he might think/feel now, sex never ever makes a relationship easier - it always makes it more complicated. That if he's really happy with her one of the best things he can do for the relationship is allow it to remain happy and uncomplicated for a long while yet.

I would be unhappy about this. My ds2 is going into year 10 and I think 14 is too young.