My 14 year old is discussing “the next level” with his girlfriend

[Amandasummers]

What do I actually do?!

Judgy judgy!!

I've had those conversations with my 9 year old. He is currently repulsed by the idea of sex, (not through our discussions), I absolutely expect this to change. I don't expect to know where he is at all times when he is 14. There will be times after school I don't know where he is immediately. All kids this age need freedom to some extent. If they want to fit sex in, even at school breaks, they totally will find a way. Your closeted view of your children will probably mean it will happen without you having a clue. I had a few friends at school whose parents were strict with freedom. They all ended up with teenage pregnancies and losing their virginity at an early age. My parents gave me lots of freedom on the other hand and non judgemental discussions. I waited until I was 17 as did my other friends who had freedom.

Read my posts properly @delphi13

Nothing 'judgy' at all 🙄

If they want to fit sex in, even at school breaks, they totally will find a way.

Wasn't my point. Wasn't what I said. Try a bit of closer reading, eh?

Your closeted view of your children will probably mean it will happen without you having a clue.

Not 'closeted' (whatever that's supposed to mean). Fully aware, engaged & connected with my kids.

The rest of your post is both insulting & presumptive.

As I say, have a little read, do, and see if that helps you some.

@AnnieSnap im using an old phone as mines broken and his TIk tok was logged in and they were popping up on screen in real time. No need for your tone really

@EarringsandLipstick i never said they didn’t care? They did have her at 15? They don’t like me, but I didn’t realise the extent of their rules around boys and who they’re with and where they are until I witnessed some of it today. I’m also more worried about approaching the mum now because I’m not sure she will be reasonable and actually the girl is going to be in major shit and I don’t want her to not have any adults she can trust so I’m sitting on that for now.

I haven’t stocked the house with condoms. I’ve prepared because at the end of the day I’m not naive enough to believe that I can 100% prevent it so if it’s going to happen I’d rather it was safe? Doesn’t seem stupid to me?

@EarringsandLipstick very late to this thread but just wanted to say that I'm also in Ireland and agree completely with everything you've said. My sons are in their 20s now, and I took the same approach as you.

Sorry OP you're right (you said Her parents had her at 15, so I don’t think they can punish her but I misread that in terms of your later post which said they were ultra-strict so I guess I took that that they were punishing her

I still would approach the parents but I do understand it is tricky.

I think it doesn't sound like a very appropriate relationship if she's having to escape to see him & Id discuss that with him.

I really don't know what making condoms available (isn't that what stocking means?) is going to do.

It's not just about safe sex, which frankly no 14 year old is going to be properly able to ensure, it's both their emotional well-being. They are not ready for sex.

I'd have a very clear conversation with him, several times, outlining all the concerns & try to hear his thoughts on it. Does he really want to have sex? Is this more testing out scenarios than a real plan? Etc.

But I'd be much more proactive than it appears you are (and I can appreciate it's a worry & you are trying to get it right).

Relieved to hear that @DramaAlpaca !

Sometimes it's hard to explain one's approach without sounding out of touch. It's great to hear that it all worked out well with your DSs 😊

Sorry last one - if you are providing condoms, I think you need to very clearly show him how to use them. There's no point in just having them.

@EarringsandLipstick you don't sound out of touch at all. Having been through it all myself your approach sounds very sensible to me. FWIW I think most of my sons' friends' parents took the same approach.

we have spoken at length and will continue to do so, I will not be giving them the privacy to do it in my house, he’s not welcome in hers and he dad is anti boys, I have obviously told him he’s too young and all the rest of it and have asked him to continue to be open with me and talk to me moving forward, I haven’t given him condoms and said here lad crack on, but they are here, because as I say, if it does happen, then it’s the best of a bad scenario, I am not encouraging their use!

I haven’t ruled out speaking to the parents but I am planning to, I have no way of contacting them at present to be honest

Do they both go to the same school?

If so, the school may be willing to make her aware if you discuss the situation with them.

It would probably be a good idea to make the school aware anyway, if they do go to the same school- it's not usual but not impossible for students to have sex on school grounds etc so good for them to be aware and they may be able to offer some support.

Definitely discuss contraception and remind your son that it must be used every time, and that consenting once doesn't mean consenting for ever- and remind him that he can say no, too, if he's uncomfortable. You can say, at the same time, that you feel he's too young and it's a bad idea- but if he does it, it's much better that it's safe!

What do you mean It's not his decision?

Of course he can choose to opt out!

Kids that age should not even be allowed by their parents to have "relationships."

You really should tell the mother, as any pregnancy would adversely affect your whole family. And the girl controls the decision to abort, or not.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune i said it’s not JUST his decision, it’s hers too and she isn’t my child so there’s only so much I can do

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune
"Kids that age should not even be allowed by their parents to have "relationships.""
This sounds good in theory, I'm just wondering how parents can stop a relationship. Minimize contact, not allow them to be together when the parent is around, yes, but you really can't prevent two 14 year olds falling in love and snatching moments together, or online.

@Amandasummers
"I haven’t given him condoms and said here lad crack on, but they are here, because as I say, if it does happen, then it’s the best of a bad scenario, I am not encouraging their use!"
That's a good approach; I did something similar with the same rationale.

You are in a difficult position because the girl has to lie to her parents in order to see your son already, so contacting them opens a can of worms.
How well do you know the girl?

DS 16 has asked out a few girls at his school but it's not really went any further so I can't offer any advice except to just keep the communication channels open for him if he wants to approach you. Make sure he knows you are there for him.

I agree with @EarringsandLipstick , I don't know any of DS friends shagging yet. They are all geeks though so not really overly confident around girls 🤷🏻 I suppose that's an upside for now. I don't want to be a granny aged 40😮

Aged 14 DS wasn't really bothered about girls tbh, more into chatting to friends offline/online. That must be difficult navigating this topic under 16.

My DD is 14 and has had a bf (also aged 14) for the past 5 months and I have read through all the comments with interest and a feeling of dread.

I have been very supportive of there relationship because it’s sweet, they get on well etc but also because at her age I was under no illusions by my parents that I wasn’t allowed a bf and boys weren’t allowed in the house etc. This was repeatedly told to me. This meant I lied and didn’t tell my parents things and also felt that wanting to have a bf was something wrong and it made me feel bad.
I went round in a group who mostly all had bfs but i didn’t which also made me feel bad etc

so now reading this I’m now worried I’ve been a tad too encouraging so as not to make her feel there is anything wrong with having a bf.

I have spoken to my DD about relationships/sex and there are a few girls that she knows of in her year who have had sex and I have spoken to her about it being too young and she tells me she agrees and that her and her bf have agreed they are too young for any of that for a long time.

I hadn’t given it any more thought but now reading this I realise this needs to be an ongoing discussion and I should probably be asking questions more regularly. As if I think back to those days long ago there was definitely lots of chat amongst us about what you’d done with bfs, and there was lots of things before full sex. I definitely think my DD seem to be more innocent than the girls were at my school back then. But that doesn’t mean that peer pressure to do certain stuff if you’ve been with your bf for certain time no longer exists it must do.

OP it’s very tricky as I would definitely want to know but I am an open parent who has a good relationship with my child, so I would just want to be able to open the conversation with my dad. you telling me would not result in a big row, me stopping them seeing each other which would cause upset which could impact your relationship with your son. So I understand your rationale for holding off. I think I would be saying to my son and his gf that you think they are too young, there is an age of consent for a reason etc and that both of them can talk to you.

My main area of concern at this moment is your son spending time with someone who has to lie to their parents and whose family do not welcome him to their home. That would be my initial issue and trying to gently speak up him about it doesn’t matter how much he likes/loves his gf this relationship is going to always be problematic because you shouldn’t have to sneak around etc so he really needs to give this some thought before thinking about taking there relationship to another level. If they want to be together long term (as you think at that age) then they need to start by being in a relationship that is not based around sneaking around etc

I do agree though, kids will go ‘underground’ and do something if they are going to do it so there really is a thin line to tread

This is so true and good advice.

They are probably being pressured by mates as well and it may just be that they think they have to go to the "next level"
I wouldn't talk to her mum but I would be tempted to talk to them both and remind them it's good to wait, build their relationship and not add another stress into their young lives as it is illegal etc just chatting not preachy.
Also 14 year old sex isn't going to be wonderful and they might enjoy it more if they are a bit older and more mature?!
If it turns out they are feeling the pressure they could just agree to lie and say they have and continue on.

Agree with this too.
I am finding the comments from the Irish posters on here interesting. I am Welsh and grew up in a similar family culture, not the same as being in a Catholic country, but with some similar core values . I still live in Wales, in a part where the culture of my childhood has largely gone, but does exist in pockets. In my younger dd’s friendship group (about to go into the sixth form), none of them have had sex. My older dd is 18 and at university, and hasn’t even been on a date yet. Her peer group at school however had a few girls having sex at 14. One ended up pregnant and had an abortion. There was a distinct pattern of coercion from older boyfriends, so I have talked a lot with my dds about this, about the inequality in the level of risk between boys and girls, and about the social pressure now on kids to be sexualised from a younger age.
Thinking back, we have had a lot of these conversations, just chatting in the car, they understand my views and the reasons and cultural context for those views. Actually I was chatting to my older dd yesterday about this thread and she’d had some conversations this Summer with other older students from various European countries, and the differences were interesting. Definitely less sexualising of under sixteens from the Europeans compared with Britain.
There is often a “well they will have sex anyway so what can you do” attitude from many on Mumsnet, but family and the broader local culture that children grow up in does make a difference. It is important that adults give that structure to kids growing up and talk through feelings, consequences, pressures , before those things happen and during those mid teen years.

@SirVixofVixHall

Great post.

I think all those quick car-based conversations are essential. I'm under no illusions that, especially for my DSs, the prevalence & nature of porn is a huge issue, and the possibility of them seeing coercive sex / force being used and so on is real. So while I still have full control of their phones (the younger one doesn't even have a smartphone yet), we've talked a lot about this, and what respectful sex looks like vs sex where there's physical aggression or force, and why this has come to be an issue.

It's all a learning curve as none of this existed in my youth but I think there's always been worry & insecurity around sexual relationships & I hope these conversations (which my teens slag me about!) help alleviate that or at least let them know there's help / support there if needed.

The choice to refrain from sex can indeed be entirely one-sided on his part. He doesn't need her to agree.

I'm astonished that anyone would think otherwise.

Maybe I'm an old bag but I think 14 really is too young. Dd is 12 and I would be horrified to think she might have sex in 2 years time. I know you can't stop them but I would be seriously discouraging it. I don't think 14 year olds are emotionally equipped for sex

Most of the boys in year 9, last year - 13 nearly 14, now going into year 10, 14 nearly 15, are quite immature. Ds2 has a few friends who had girlfriends in year 9, but they were very sweet, barely talked let alone kissed. One boy did have sex!

It is illegal. They aren't supposed to have sex till the legal age of 16.